ask Irvine about men!

[Windmilllane]

if that's not you, then it's not you, but...

the fact you're not that type of woman doesn't mean that type of woman doesn't exsist...(Anna Nicole)

or guy either...(Kevin Federline-Spears)

I thought Britney was the one who was hot for Kevin. Kevin was the one who went up to Britney and said, "you know you want me cause I'm hot," and Britney was like, "fuck yeah, you're hot. I want to do you right now," and starts to suck his cock, much to Kevin's delight. Next thing you know, they're married, have a kid and Kevin is still going up to hotties and saying, "you know you want me cause I am so hot."

 

[For Honor]

....

...........

..........................

.... *music on*

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

I thought Britney was the one who was hot for Kevin. Kevin was the one who went up to Britney and said, "you know you want me cause I'm hot," and Britney was like, "fuck yeah, you're hot. I want to do you right now," and starts to suck his cock, much to Kevin's delight. Next thing you know, they're married, have a kid and Kevin is still going up to hotties and saying, "you know you want me cause I am so hot."

that's disgusting. there's no need to be quite so graphic.

and yeah, this whole "women only like hot men" generalisation you continue to make (look at your location, for crying out loud) is getting rather old. get some self-confidence and stop trash-talking yourself so much. i've seen men you'd probably classify as "ugly" manage to snag women and they're not rich. believe it or not, not every woman out there is shallow enough to only rely on a man's looks as to whether or not she'd date him. some rely on personality, sense of humour, etc. as well.

i don't care how hot a guy is, if he's got no inner-beauty, i wouldn't go near him. guys who are ugly on the inside either because of low self-confidence, because they have bad personality traits, or something else...those are the ones who stay single. and it's obviously not just me who feels this way, given some of the comments others have made.

 

[Windmilllane]

that's disgusting. there's no need to be quite so graphic.

and yeah, this whole "women only like hot men" generalisation you continue to make (look at your location, for crying out loud) is getting rather old. get some self-confidence and stop trash-talking yourself so much. i've seen men you'd probably classify as "ugly" manage to snag women and they're not rich. believe it or not, not every woman out there is shallow enough to only rely on a man's looks as to whether or not she'd date him. some rely on personality, sense of humour, etc. as well.

i don't care how hot a guy is, if he's got no inner-beauty, i wouldn't go near him. guys who are ugly on the inside either because of low self-confidence, because they have bad personality traits, or something else...those are the ones who stay single. and it's obviously not just me who feels this way, given some of the comments others have made.

Okay, point taken.
But I am sick and tired of women saying, "no, it's not about the looks, it's about his personality, sense of humour, blah, blah, blah," and then you see shows like "Average Joe" where the girl will pick the hot guy over the average-looking or ugly guy who is sweet and kind-hearted.
Even playboy playmates, in their data sheets, will list personality, sense of humour, confidence, blah, blah, blah, as their turn-ons, but there is no chance in hell that an ugly or average-looking guy will ever date a girl of that caliber. No way. These playmates, or any girl for that matter, will never list good looks as their turn ons. Is it because that it's a given or it's so understood it doesn't have to be listed?
So when I am bald and you look at me, with my big nose, bald head and skinny face, please ask yourself, "would I date this person?" The answer is no. We all go by the two-second rule. The first two seconds you see a person for the first time, you automatically know if they are hot or not. If they are not hot, then you will never have any interest in that person.
So with all due respect, the "inner beauty" must always match the outer beauty. That's the quest for all women in this world. No matter how great my personality is, if i am ugly, it's still no good. Women want to find personality, sense of humour, confidence in a good-looking guy, not an ugly guy.

 

[Muggsy]

I'm sorry... but i'm starting to think that you just want to get attention in all the threads you can and you say that women don't like you????? maybe I can tell you why: is not that your nose is big and blah blah... is because you are so monotonous and so narrow minded, you can't talk about anything but your looks. any girl would be offended (and bored) if you start with "i'm ugly" thing over and over again.

 

[indra]

Okay, point taken.
But I am sick and tired of women saying, "no, it's not about the looks, it's about his personality, sense of humour, blah, blah, blah," and then you see shows like "Average Joe" where the girl will pick the hot guy over the average-looking or ugly guy who is sweet and kind-hearted.
Even playboy playmates, in their data sheets, will list personality, sense of humour, confidence, blah, blah, blah, as their turn-ons, but there is no chance in hell that an ugly or average-looking guy will ever date a girl of that caliber. No way. These playmates, or any girl for that matter, will never list good looks as their turn ons. Is it because that it's a given or it's so understood it doesn't have to be listed?
So when I am bald and you look at me, with my big nose, bald head and skinny face, please ask yourself, "would I date this person?" The answer is no. We all go by the two-second rule. The first two seconds you see a person for the first time, you automatically know if they are hot or not. If they are not hot, then you will never have any interest in that person.
So with all due respect, the "inner beauty" must always match the outer beauty. That's the quest for all women in this world. No matter how great my personality is, if i am ugly, it's still no good. Women want to find personality, sense of humour, confidence in a good-looking guy, not an ugly guy.

I wouldn't give you a second look.

Happy now?

It's not because of how you look (I've never seen you), but how you act. And you act like a self absorbed ass. And yeah, when it emanates from every pore as it does from you, two seconds is more than enough time to discover your personality.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

I'm sorry... but i'm starting to think that you just want to get attention in all the threads you can

I believe this is exactly the case.
We should all ignore him from now on.

 

[Windmilllane]

You are all ignoring me because I speak the truth of all women being shallow.


And all you women who ignore me refuse to accept the truth. So why don't you all just accept it.

 

[BVS]

You are all ignoring me because I speak the truth of all women being shallow.

No, I can pretty much say with confidence it's because you are a forum troll.

 

[Got Philk?]

Windmilllane,
WTF is your problem. Every thread you enter into is about how ugly you are and how women are only into hot guys. You know what? If I were a woman, of course I wouldn't give you the time of day b/c your attitude tells me you would think me so friggin shallow to begin with. I've said this before, I'll say it one last time. There are women out there who will find you attractive. Maybe it's you who won't date someone b/c they don't meet YOUR standards. Get some help mate. Life is not all about looks. And if so, check yourself before bashing everyone else.

You seem to know exactly what a woman wants. Except, seemingly nobody agrees with you...men and women. Take a hint. Until you realize that you have beauty in you, nobody will see it.


I remember a thread where you came to the conclusion you weren't ugly and you were going to change your attitude b/c you thought that was the problem...what happened pal...
I will not respond to you ever again until something changes.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

The ignore function on here is great!

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

Okay, point taken.
But I am sick and tired of women saying, "no, it's not about the looks, it's about his personality, sense of humour, blah, blah, blah," and then you see shows like "Average Joe" where the girl will pick the hot guy over the average-looking or ugly guy who is sweet and kind-hearted.

right, because reality shows are a total indicator of real life. i think most people agree they're scripted/rigged. and honestly, what do you expect from shows like that which are essentially a televised version of speed dating? on the first episode you've got to cut someone when you've talked to each man for MAYBE five seconds.

the more i read your posts, the more i see how the way you describe women is actually the way you are. you're actually the one who's all wrapped up in looks. i've got no idea what you look like but i can at least attest to your inner beauty. it sucks. you've got zero self-confidence, and you love to blame it on how shallow women are. well guess what? no matter what you look like, if you go around thinking women are these shallow creatures, they won't give you the time of day. it's incredibly insulting to think such a thing.

i'm through trying to make you see this. you don't want to listen and i'm tired of talking to a brick wall.

 

[joyfulgirl]

 

[For Honor]

You are all ignoring me because I speak the truth of all women being shallow.


And all you women who ignore me refuse to accept the truth. So why don't you all just accept it.

You don't really want that, do you?


What would you talk about then? I mean... it's kind of ironic that you have posted this way in a thread like this.

Would you really feel better if someone agreed with you?


All women are not shallow - that's just a lie your making for yourself, and you know it. I'm sorry - and I do pity you - for it seems like you had some past issues that hurt you in this area. But.... that past never changes......... ... ......... so I suggest you live in the present.


so please don't "ignore me (and) refuse to accept the truth."

==========


So sorry your thread got hijacked, Irvine


==========
=========
==========



Windmilllane, you know....... if you hate women so much, maybe you should look into a guy who would be more understanding and less "shallow". I mean.......

Part of being a man, and part of being alive, period, is doing something that works. It looks like ladies aren't working out for you, man. Or....... maybe.... you're just not working out for the ladies. But I don't mean to imply anything............


I mean.... do you really even like them anymore?
Completely being serious - if you hate them all so much, maybe you should try something new?

 

[HelloAngel]

You are all ignoring me because I speak the truth of all women being shallow.

And all you women who ignore me refuse to accept the truth. So why don't you all just accept it.

Sweetheart,

I feel bad for you. I do. Women are into personality, personality, personality. I guess you don't have enough experience with women to know that.

As far as being shallow? I settled down with the standard band nerd/math nerd/computer geek, and I thank my stars that I did. I found a real man, and he isn't a GQ hottie. But to me he is. To me he is the sun, the moon and the stars and I see no other man on the streets of this planet.

If you keep with your poor, sexist attitude, you'll never find a woman. If you develop some confidence, you will. It's your choice.

 

[Meghan]

So when I am bald and you look at me, with my big nose, bald head and skinny face, please ask yourself, "would I date this person?" The answer is no. We all go by the two-second rule. The first two seconds you see a person for the first time, you automatically know if they are hot or not. If they are not hot, then you will never have any interest in that person.
So with all due respect, the "inner beauty" must always match the outer beauty. That's the quest for all women in this world. No matter how great my personality is, if i am ugly, it's still no good. Women want to find personality, sense of humour, confidence in a good-looking guy, not an ugly guy.

I realise you'd probably never do this, but maybe you should take a trip to PLEBA.

I'm serious.

Bono's hair doesn't look like its got any plans for staying on his head -- at least without surgery or whatever he's doing. He's got a pretty big nose, too.
Edge is bald. He has a funny shaped head. He's got (virtually) no arse at all.
Adam's gone grey and has put on a few pounds over the years.
Larry has started to age noticably and never had the nicest nose to begin with.

If you're gonna say, "They only like them because they're rich and famous," You're wrong. Most of them are genuinly interested in the guy's personalities, and still find them incredibly hot despite their physical flaws.
If they made music which made us feel shallow and selfish, and pretty much seem to be trying to say that they hate women in general, the smilie would rarely be seen in PLEBA, apart from in sarcasm.

 

[Sicy]

Windmilllane,

If you continue to troll Zoo Confessionals with your garbage I will remove your access to this forum. I think we've all had enough.

Thank you.


P.S. To everyone else that responds to him, you are only feuling his fire, as he has a habit and past record of doing this over and over and over again. Best bet would be to ignore him, as it seems he enjoys getting the rise out of everyone.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

maybe now the thread can get back on topic

 

[hiphop]

Yeah.

Topic is: being confident, calm, strong, in control.

Question if the day: Is it realistic to expect a man to always be like that? Women, do you expect that; if yes, why do you expect it of men in particular? Is strength and confidence something you look for in a man? Why? Because it makes you feel comfortable? Protected?

Do you agree that is an old, dated gender role (kinda sexist) or not?

 

[phanan]

The ignore function on here is great!

 

[anitram]

Yeah.

Topic is: being confident, calm, strong, in control.

Question if the day: Is it realistic to expect a man to always be like that? Women, do you expect that; if yes, why do you expect it of men in particular? Is strength and confidence something you look for in a man? Why? Because it makes you feel comfortable? Protected?

Do you agree that is an old, dated gender role (kinda sexist) or not?

I think it really depends on the personality.

For example, I was good friends with a guy who at one point was interested in dating me (and my best friend, but that's a topic for another day, lol) and the reason I was never attracted to him is because he lacked confidence and almost lacked any opinions of his own. If you asked him, "Do you want to do ___ today?" he'd reply with "Only if you want to." And that extened to pretty much everything and I don't know, it's irritating to me personally. It's like, does he not have a spine or an opinion of his own? And he felt he was a NICE guy, which is true - he was, but to be a nice guy doesn't always mean that you defer to the woman on everything for fear of possibly offending her in some small way.

But one time, I introduced him to a friend of mine, a woman who was really outgoing and really confident, and the kind of person who would pretty much dictate the terms of the relationship. And she really liked the fact he was weak and deferred to her because she loved being in control, she loved making all the decisions and she loved somebody hanging on her every word. And before introducing them I thought that he may find her annoying because she is so loud and abrasive, but to my surprise, he liked her a lot. So I think it's because she allowed him to be the way he was, and she was in charge, they worked well together.

Ultimately it's a mix of personalities, some people will click regardless of how confident the guy is and some just won't.

 

[Irvine511]

One thing I disagree with what Irvine said - about how women are attracted to asshole guys. I really don't think that's necessarily true per se (obviously I can't say for every case), but it's more that sometimes you have very nice guys who happen to be under the impression that "nice" is a personality. Well, it isn't. And so when women are attracted to men who maybe aren't as "nice" but they put forth their personality in a better way, ie. they are athletic or they enjoy music or they read certain types of books or they like hiking, or whatever shared interests, of course we would rather go for that. And many times, this bites us in the ass, because you get to know the guy and you realize that you want somebody who would treat you better. But nonetheless, IMO, some men have this tendency to rely on their "nice guy" status to attract women to the point where they feel like because they are a nice guy, that is enough, we should fall at their feet and immediately date them. It just doesn't work like that.

i think this is a good point (as per usual by antiram). i would also add that sometimes, men sometimes mistake being nice for being timid -- women do want nice guys, we all want nice people, but it's flattering to be pursued, to know that someone is interested in you, and oftentimes i think "nice" guys sit back and think she'll notice what's going on in your head -- women might be more intuitive, but they are not mind readers. i was certainly guilty of this in college when i was trying to date girls. i remember spending several hours in a girl's room, we sat on the bed and she showed me her pictures, then we talked, then we layed down and sort of spooned, and talked some more, and i remember thinking that i should be nice, i shouldn't rub up against her, i shouldn't kiss her unless she puts herself in a position where she clearly wants to be kissed, etc. eventually, nothing happened, not even a kiss, and i went home thinking she just wasn't interested. this was being timid. i wanted (at the time) something, and she had obviously invited me into her room, and what i should have done was simply catch her glace and pause the conversation and move in for the kiss. what's the worst that could happen? she moves her head, and we talk for a bit more but then at least i'd know.

men: you've got to put yourself out there. take a bit of a risk, make a decision, and then act upon it. if you are rebuffed? well, it happens. who cares? move on. this is one of the things that's interesting about being gay -- you are often both hunter and pursuer. and i can say that there is nothing sexier than being the object of a pursuit. even if you're not interested, it's still flattering, and you simply have to be polite either way.

 

[Irvine511]

I have a question!

Irvine, how long do you reckon it would take for an average 19 year old guy to get over breaking up with his girlfriend of 18 months?? When she's been a bitch to him since they broke up and they don't see each other or have any contact any more? On average, say..

every relationship is different, though it sounds like it didn't end well, so it might take a little bit less time than if it was suddenly taken away from you. kind of how death is more tragic when you don't see it coming, whereas you can prepare for it if you're watching a relationship fall apart in the way that you can prepare for death if someone has, say, cancer.

it sounds like, though, you've got yourself a reason to get over her -- if she's being awful to you, then you're obviously better off without her. are you upset that the relationship is over, or are you upset that the relationship is over and now she's being awful to you? it sounds like there's a bit of a power struggle there, that she's trying to control the post-relationship narrative -- i.e., well, what are we now? you'll never cease having a relationship with someone, the relationship will just change, they will not be part of your own personal narrative, just in a different capacity -- and it sounds like the best thing for you to do would be to be zen about it. let it go. don't let her get to you -- and i don't mean that in a "if you just ignore the bully he'll go away" sort of way. i mean that you can't allow her to have such a negative impact. 18 months is a long time when you're 19 -- though it's not as if you moved in together and had children and now you're getting divorced. you'll rebound, and you'll rebound that much more quickly if you refuse to allow her to have any sort of control over what you're doing -- don't allow her to be a factor or a consideration when you do things, or date new people. she's over. take what you've learned, and let her -- the person -- go. that's another thing to help you get over her -- start dating someone. since you're rebounding, it's probably not a good idea to think you must fall in love with someone or find another 18 month relationship right off the bat. you're young -- go date. date lots of different girls, and have no expectations other than living date-by-date -- let's have fun tonight, and see if we want to do it again. keep yourself and your emotions busy.

i think relationships are living things, and when they end/die, you have to grieve. it takes time. you have to give yourself time to understand that life will go on, it just will go on without this person in the way that your life goes on after a grandparent dies. it's awful when it happens, and you'll be reflective -- and reflection is a good thing, think about what went right, what went wrong, who you were then, who you are now, try to give a name to the ways in which you have seen yourself change, describe your feelings in as much detail to yourself -- and you might not think about it for weeks, and then it will hit you while stopped at a traffic light: it's over. it's really over. life is nothing if not fleeting and impermanent, and while we miss things, we can and do and must adapt.

so i can't give you a time frame, but i hope that's some food for thought -- think of it as a process, and that there are things that you need to do in order to move on. it won't just happen if you sit there. make pro-active choices.

my first real relationship took over a year to get truly over -- i actually had to see him again, after a year of no communication, to realize that, yes, i could live without him and that, in the end, all was for the best.

 

[Irvine511]

Wow this thread took a shit turn quickly...some people don't get it.

You've handled yourself fine Irvine...

Now back to the questions:

1. Why is it nice guys finish last?

2. Does this stigma exists with homosexuals as well?

3. Does it change with age(I actually have a theory about this one, but would like to hear yours first)?

1. i don't think nice guys finish last. i think nice guys who allow themselves to be pushovers, or nice guys who aren't assertive and are actually timid instead of just nice might finish last. there's a line from ferris bueller when he's talking about cameron: "he's going to marry the first girl he lays. and she's going to treat him like shit. because you can't respect someone who kisses your ass." there's a line between nice and being a doormat. i suppose the big thing that i want to hit home -- because i was one of these guys -- is that being nice cannot be an excuse for inaction. don't use nice as an excuse to not try at all.

one other example i can think of is that i have a friend who's father treats his mother (sometimes) like garbage. i remember being at their house when i was 11 or so and she was crying and said something like, "mark, i am not a child." and i was like, "what's going on with your parents?" and he said, "sometimes, my dad is a real jerk." these days, he has no problems dating lots of girls, and he's almost overcompensating for his father -- he treats them almost too well to the point where they don't feel like he's relating to them as people; that he's almost worshipful, and this can make someone uncomfortable, and it can be almost patronizing. he does things like fly them to california for a week's vacation (after only dating her for 3 months) and using all his spare miles to upgrade them to first class. very nice thing to do. but imagine the pressure that puts on her: like, oh my god, have i earned this yet? i'm not ready for him to do things like this for me. and then they break up with him because all that niceness can be suffocating. women want to be treated as human beings, not lapdogs.

nice will get you everywhere, but nice is in engaging someone in a conversation, introducing them to your friends, looking at them in the eye, being interested in what they have to say, asking them questions, not constantly flattering everything they say or do but making thoughtful comments -- i.e., it's much more meaningful to say "that shirt really brings out the color of your eyes, looks great!" than a "wow you look good!"

2. i think so. there are gay men who are horrible, predatory assholes, and there are gay men who fall into the timid category. it's really the same thing for homosexuals as heterosexuals, however i think homosexuals, because they are both of the same gender, don't labor under the illusions that many men have where they need to "win her over" or that if they are too assertive they think that she will think that he thinks she's easy, or any other things nice straight men i think have been taught about women that often leads to analysis-paralysis -- there's an equality between 2 men or 2 women that negates, i think, much of the almost post-feminist pressure men feel to be nice and respectful and aware of "boundaries" and such. note: this isn't a, "men have your way with women," and more of a, "men, let her know what you're thinking, let her know that you're interested, and don't worry so much about what you think being 'nice' means -- be authentically nice."

i am so much more assertive when i like a guy that i would ever have been with a girl, because i don't worry about all the things nice guys have been taught about women -- if i'm interetested, i let him know. i will touch the shoulder, make a bit of a suggestive comment, move in for a kiss if it strikes me as appropriate, say, "would you like to come upstairs," etc. i don't see any of this as being anything other than nice -- honest, straightforward, but always nice and respectful.

3. i think women get over the "bad boys" when they start to view themselves as adults. this might happen at 23, it might not happen until she's 40. but while assholes might seem appealing when you're young -- that whole, "why does he think he's so great, let me find out" -- that gets old, and substance starts to take over. you want someone you can build a life with, and that involves treating each other like human beings. if you're a total asshole guy, you're not treating her like a human being. if you're trying so hard to be "nice" and wind up acting like a lobotimized ass-kisser, then you're not treating her like a human being.

 

[martha]

Sicy

 

[Irvine511]

I should probably know the answer to this, but I don't:

Why is sex so important to men?
Do they secretly recent their significant other if they don't have sex as often as they like?

sex is important to men for two reasons. the first is that sex is such a commodity, used to sell everything, the message is that if you're not having it, you're nothing. if you're a man, and you can get it, you're nothing. so buy our products. i remember being in college and there was a big thing about who on the swim team had had sex with as many girls as his age. there was only one guy (he was a model ... very hot, and he knew it too) who said he had done that, but i think it speaks to the pressure men feel to acquire sexual experience as if it were baseball cards or video games -- that quantity is, by definition, quality. so i think that's bullshit, but that is some of the pressure men are under.

the second is that i do think that men and women are hardwired differently. for men, the simple act of having sex, even if it isn't good sex, is still a goood thing. i hate saying things like this sometimes, but i do think that men have a fairly innate urge to ejaculate. it's that simple. i can't speak that much on the sexual response in women, but it seems to be a much more complex thing, entertwined with more emotion. i think the sexual response is fairly simple in men -- men are turned on by what they see (oh, and please note, i am just talking about sex, not about love or making love or whatever, this is mechanics) and there's a direct relationship between stimulus (naked lady) and response (erection).

i think men (as always, in general) are capable of having sex with many different people for this reason -- it's just simpler. this is why gay men, on the whole, probably have many more sexual partners than straight men. two gay men can meet each other and find each other attractive and go off and have sex and never see each other again and both are pefectly happy to do that. this is not to say that women aren't capable of promiscuity or fucking strangers, but i would venture that when women do these things, it's almost as much of a psychological desire than a purely physical deisre. of course a woman's sex drife is just as powerful as a man's; but it's different. but i think men are hardwired to find a greater variety of people attractive as sex partners than women are, and i think men are often capable of having sex at the drop of a hat. boom. it springs up. ready to go.

while a man might understand if his partner (man or woman) isn't up for sex as much as he is, he's definitely going to have a problem if they don't want to have sex at all. it becomes, "what's wrong with me? why am i not sexually attractive?" if two people have vastly different sex drives, i do think this is going to become an issue. and, yes, resentment might take over, but that's usually after a man has gone through a "what's wrong with me" stage.

 

[Irvine511]

So Irvine,
Why does an ex boyfriend contact you after 7 years after he dumps you? Why does he want to take you dinner to talk to you and tell you things that he rather tell you in person? What unresolved issues could he have!? HUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!????

he might not miss you, but i bet he misses what he had with you. perhaps you made such an impression on him that he's spent the last 7 years comparing each girl to you, and no girl has measured up. in his mind, with each passing girl, what he thinks you two were grows and grows and looks better and better. maybe he thinks he wants you back, but really he just wants the idea of you back, the romanticized idea of what you had in his head back. you will never be what you are now in his head, and you never were what you are now in his head. the silence, i think, speaks volumes. and it can play terrible tricks on memory.

maybe he just needs to have dinner with you again to remind himself of why things didn't work out in the first place.

 

[{paintedroses}]

every relationship is different, though it sounds like it didn't end well, so it might take a little bit less time than if it was suddenly taken away from you. kind of how death is more tragic when you don't see it coming, whereas you can prepare for it if you're watching a relationship fall apart in the way that you can prepare for death if someone has, say, cancer.

it sounds like, though, you've got yourself a reason to get over her -- if she's being awful to you, then you're obviously better off without her. are you upset that the relationship is over, or are you upset that the relationship is over and now she's being awful to you? it sounds like there's a bit of a power struggle there, that she's trying to control the post-relationship narrative -- i.e., well, what are we now? you'll never cease having a relationship with someone, the relationship will just change, they will not be part of your own personal narrative, just in a different capacity -- and it sounds like the best thing for you to do would be to be zen about it. let it go. don't let her get to you -- and i don't mean that in a "if you just ignore the bully he'll go away" sort of way. i mean that you can't allow her to have such a negative impact. 18 months is a long time when you're 19 -- though it's not as if you moved in together and had children and now you're getting divorced. you'll rebound, and you'll rebound that much more quickly if you refuse to allow her to have any sort of control over what you're doing -- don't allow her to be a factor or a consideration when you do things, or date new people. she's over. take what you've learned, and let her -- the person -- go. that's another thing to help you get over her -- start dating someone. since you're rebounding, it's probably not a good idea to think you must fall in love with someone or find another 18 month relationship right off the bat. you're young -- go date. date lots of different girls, and have no expectations other than living date-by-date -- let's have fun tonight, and see if we want to do it again. keep yourself and your emotions busy.

i think relationships are living things, and when they end/die, you have to grieve. it takes time. you have to give yourself time to understand that life will go on, it just will go on without this person in the way that your life goes on after a grandparent dies. it's awful when it happens, and you'll be reflective -- and reflection is a good thing, think about what went right, what went wrong, who you were then, who you are now, try to give a name to the ways in which you have seen yourself change, describe your feelings in as much detail to yourself -- and you might not think about it for weeks, and then it will hit you while stopped at a traffic light: it's over. it's really over. life is nothing if not fleeting and impermanent, and while we miss things, we can and do and must adapt.

so i can't give you a time frame, but i hope that's some food for thought -- think of it as a process, and that there are things that you need to do in order to move on. it won't just happen if you sit there. make pro-active choices.

my first real relationship took over a year to get truly over -- i actually had to see him again, after a year of no communication, to realize that, yes, i could live without him and that, in the end, all was for the best.

Lol, thank you but I should have been more clear, I wasn't asking about me, I was asking about the guy I like (I'm a girl). He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago and while I feel things could maybe happen between us one day, he's still quite caught up about his ex and I was wondering how long I'd have to wait and well if its worth waiting for him. I'm not really sure if theres much advice you could give on this actually, but its worth a try I guess.. I'm just a bit confused about the whole situation because I know we both like each other but I also know we might not end up together any time soon if at all, so I don't know what to do other than just sit it out.

 

[Irvine511]

Originally posted by WildHoneyAlways Irvine,
Why is the chase more appealing than the catch for some men?
[/B]

novelty. newness. the chase is thrilling, because you're working towards achieving a goal. and i think the process is filled with possibility, and possibility is more sexually exciting and arousing than certainty. it's like presents on christmas morning -- it's more exciting before they're opened (of course, you open them, and perhaps it's just what you want and need, so now instead of anxious and anticipatory, you're just happy, which is better and lasts all year). the anticipation is delicious. and since men are often in the position of chasing, it's thrilling to watch the process play out, to see the pieces falling together, and sometimes this overshadows the goal. is the goal really what you want, or is the process so intoxicating, like a drug, that you want that rush?

this is happening to me now, a bit. i've got a sure thing. i adore him. but what i don't have with him is the thrill of, is this going to happen? there is no game, and the game can be fun. it can be so affirming to the self-esteem to participate in an ultimately successful chase. but affirming to men in a very particular way -- they have set out to do something, and they have accomplished their goal, and this is then less a reflection on who they are as a person and more a reflection on the set of "skills" men are told from a very young age they must possess if they are to be truly men.

 

[causalitycalls]

the second is that i do think that men and women are hardwired differently.

I think your dead on right there-so how do you get a guy to be more romantic/emotional? If a guy attends to a girl's emotional needs (hugs, kissing, mushy-whatever, etc...) then she's 110 times more likely to want to attend to his physical needs. But god-forbid you freakin tell a guy that, because then he's like "quit telling me-I was about to, but now you had to tell me to & I don't want to...." kinda deal. So how can you drop the hint more subtly?