AttnKleinkind
The Fly
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2005
- Messages
- 181
So I hope that this doesn't make me sound selfish or vain, but I'll try and best explain my situation. My boyfriend and I (he's 24 I'm turning 21) have been dating for just over a year, and things have been going very very well. Basically, before he really noticed me, I had been lusting after him at church for about three years (I was 16 when this started, hence why I didn't make a move), so when he actually started talking to me, I just couldn't believe it, as he is one of THE most attractive people I've seen. So I am very much attracted to him, but, about a year or two around before we started dating, he started to gain a bit of weight. Before, he used to go to the gym every day, go running always, so it's not like before he used to just be average weight, he was fit. He stopped going to the gym after a really bad breakup, and sort of let himself go a bit. It's not like he's really really overweight...but he has a belly and it shows in his face as well.
He hates that he's not as fit as he used to be, and I've tried to encourage him be more active. In the past six months he's started swimming weekly with a friend, which is good, but sometimes they just don't go. He's also started riding his bike to work, I think a couple of weeks ago, but he only really did it consistently for one week. I'm still very much attracted to him...but when I see pictures of him that are only two years old, it's frustrating to know that he could look like that. I don't want to make it sound like I only care about his appearance, I love so much about him, but it's frustrating to me that he seems to be not caring when he's so young. I understand that people get older, and bodies change, and you get wrinkles and grey hair...but it doesn't even seem like he's making a real effort to look better. He is going back to school in the fall (he had been out for a bit) and he says that he is going to go to the gym there (when he was in school two years ago that was when he was most active at the gym), but I'm not sure if he's really going to go through with it, just based on how he hasn't seemed to put that much effort into being active in the ways he's already started.
I guess I'm asking for advice on how to bring it up (if I should?) to let him know that it's something that does bother me...I mean, I've tried to encourage him when he says he is unhappy with his body, I've never been critical, but I don't just let it slide. But I guess from that it hasn't really come across that it is something that's important to me? I don't want to make it sound critical, or for it to backfire, so I'm just wondering how to broach to the topic. I've been wanting to bring it up for a long time, but I just don't know how to go about it, and I want to make sure I do it right.
This is sort of part of a larger issue that also frustrating to me; the effort I put into my appearance for him versus what he seems to do for me. I used to dress really casually before we started dating (jeans every day and solid colour tshirt), and sometimes I felt I was dressing nicely, but I really just didn't know how casual I was presenting myself. So I invested a bit more into different kinds of clothes, after he expressed a desire that I dress a little nicer (not overly different from what I used to wear, but I do have some nicer pieces). Also I used to wear studs as earrings, but he mentioned that he really likes large earrings (you couldn't really see mine), so I gradually started getting larger earrings. And I like doing this because I know it's what he likes, but the problem is he doesn't really seem to act on what he knows that I like. He knows that I prefer how he looks with contacts on rather than glasses, and because of this he's worn contacts a few times, but hardly ever. And he also knows I prefer his hair when it's short, and he's way overdue for a haircut, but he just doesn't really seem to care. I hope the way I'm saying this doesn't make me seem like I really care if he wear contacts or styles his hair the way I like it...it's the principle of it I guess, of how I've made certain changes in my appearance because I want to do something nice for him, but he doesn't really seem to want to do the same for me.
So that kind of goes along with the weight thing, since it seems like he's just not making an effort, or sees it as important as trying to please me this way. I don't know. I hope this made sense? And really, there is so much more to our relationship than physical appearance, but this is just the one issue I've been trying to sort out, since I really don't know how to bring it up. Sometimes I think it may just be trivial, but it is an important element to a relationship, isn't it?
Any advice on how to talk about these concerns with him would be wonderful!
He hates that he's not as fit as he used to be, and I've tried to encourage him be more active. In the past six months he's started swimming weekly with a friend, which is good, but sometimes they just don't go. He's also started riding his bike to work, I think a couple of weeks ago, but he only really did it consistently for one week. I'm still very much attracted to him...but when I see pictures of him that are only two years old, it's frustrating to know that he could look like that. I don't want to make it sound like I only care about his appearance, I love so much about him, but it's frustrating to me that he seems to be not caring when he's so young. I understand that people get older, and bodies change, and you get wrinkles and grey hair...but it doesn't even seem like he's making a real effort to look better. He is going back to school in the fall (he had been out for a bit) and he says that he is going to go to the gym there (when he was in school two years ago that was when he was most active at the gym), but I'm not sure if he's really going to go through with it, just based on how he hasn't seemed to put that much effort into being active in the ways he's already started.
I guess I'm asking for advice on how to bring it up (if I should?) to let him know that it's something that does bother me...I mean, I've tried to encourage him when he says he is unhappy with his body, I've never been critical, but I don't just let it slide. But I guess from that it hasn't really come across that it is something that's important to me? I don't want to make it sound critical, or for it to backfire, so I'm just wondering how to broach to the topic. I've been wanting to bring it up for a long time, but I just don't know how to go about it, and I want to make sure I do it right.
This is sort of part of a larger issue that also frustrating to me; the effort I put into my appearance for him versus what he seems to do for me. I used to dress really casually before we started dating (jeans every day and solid colour tshirt), and sometimes I felt I was dressing nicely, but I really just didn't know how casual I was presenting myself. So I invested a bit more into different kinds of clothes, after he expressed a desire that I dress a little nicer (not overly different from what I used to wear, but I do have some nicer pieces). Also I used to wear studs as earrings, but he mentioned that he really likes large earrings (you couldn't really see mine), so I gradually started getting larger earrings. And I like doing this because I know it's what he likes, but the problem is he doesn't really seem to act on what he knows that I like. He knows that I prefer how he looks with contacts on rather than glasses, and because of this he's worn contacts a few times, but hardly ever. And he also knows I prefer his hair when it's short, and he's way overdue for a haircut, but he just doesn't really seem to care. I hope the way I'm saying this doesn't make me seem like I really care if he wear contacts or styles his hair the way I like it...it's the principle of it I guess, of how I've made certain changes in my appearance because I want to do something nice for him, but he doesn't really seem to want to do the same for me.
So that kind of goes along with the weight thing, since it seems like he's just not making an effort, or sees it as important as trying to please me this way. I don't know. I hope this made sense? And really, there is so much more to our relationship than physical appearance, but this is just the one issue I've been trying to sort out, since I really don't know how to bring it up. Sometimes I think it may just be trivial, but it is an important element to a relationship, isn't it?
Any advice on how to talk about these concerns with him would be wonderful!