Without going into too many details, let's just say Dave and I screwed up and now there's an 80% chance I'll be giving birth next July. That thought should probably terrify me to my core. But somehow, it doesn't. Personally, I just can't wait to see my baby. The doubts are still there and running strong. What if David and I break up? What if he decides he has to marry me? Not that marriage would be a bad thing, I just want him to marry me because he's truly in love with me, not just because we've procreated. And I don't doubt that he loves me. Even if he can't express it, I feel it. I see it in his actions. I don't need to hear him say the words to know it. Yes, he was a bit of a turd when I was freaking out over the card my father sent me, but he apologized for the knee-jerk reaction and conceded that he never should have acted the way he did. I forgave him because I knew he meant it and there's no point in holding a grudge against someone you love. I know I haven't painted the best picture of him in the superthread, but that's because I only tend to post about him when there's something to complain about. All the times you never hear from me about him, I'm perfectly happy with him and things are going swimmingly.
But here's where my worries come in. He doesn't have a job and no matter what I do to try to motivate him, nothing works. He has two bachelor of science degrees. He could walk into almost any position anywhere and be paid amazingly well and make something of himself. He's inordinately concerned with "working on himself," which equates to sitting around drinking beer, reading books, playing video games, and smoking weed all day. So maybe this will light a fire under him. Because then it's not just about him anymore. It's about me and our child, too. I could deal with him staying home and taking care of the baby while I worked, if I had any sort of a decent job. I'm barely living paycheck to paycheck as it is. Factor in the cost of a baby and...
And that's another worry of mine. Thanks to 40 years or so of privatized health insurance, I have no coverage for me, so no prenatal visits, unless I can get on some sort of government assistance program. The care isn't the best, but as long as it doesn't hurt me or the baby and I don't have to pay for it, I guess I can't complain.
But the worst part is not knowing how my friends and family and Dave will react. Most of my family, I'm not that worried about. They're assholes and they're gonna gossip and look down on me for getting pregnant out of wedlock and I just don't give a fuck what they think. I love my boyfriend, he loves me, we're having a baby and nothing they say or do is going to change that, so they can suck it up or suck my left nut. That's their choice. My mom, I am worried. I don't want her to think that she's going to have to help me raise this baby and put another strain on her finances. I have a contingency plan if Dave reacts badly. If he insists that there's no way I can be pregnant because he took the necessary precautions. Well, his idea of contraception fails 30% of the time. And his use of it was imperfect. And he knows it. At least he better know it. The initial panic has subsided and I have an idea of how me telling him is going to go down.
First of all, I'm going to tell him, point blank, "I have news for you. I'm pregnant." I'll take an extra pregnancy test with me and he can watch me pee on the stick for all I care. It's not going to change the result. And after he panics for a bit, he's going to calm down and ask me what I plan to do about it. And I'm going to tell him that I'm going through with the pregnancy. He'll probably press me again about an abortion, but unless this pregnancy becomes life-threatening, I'm not going to have one. i don't think we'll get in a fight over it. I know he'll say he needs some time to think, and I hope he'll eventually come around. And if not, I'll ask him if it's okay if I give the baby up for adoption. I know a couple who's dying for a child of their own, and if Dave won't be a part of the baby's life, then he/she deserves to have two parents who love him/her. I know I can't raise a child on my own, and I don't really want to try. I mean, this is all worst-case scenario. In a perfect world, he'd just shrug and roll with it, but I know he's going to get a little freaked. And that's okay. I'm expecting it. I just hope he doesn't take too long in realising that he does want to be a father and leave me wondering for weeks or even a couple of months.
I'm sure there's other things I'm not thinking of, but my brain's kind of fried at the moment.
it's going to be ok. Don't psych yourself out.
