what's the best joke?

[ishkash]

Aussies "Blaady wudden hava khlu maite"

 

[cass]

3 men walk into a bar, and irishman, an american and an australian. They do a double take is that Jesus Christ sitting in the corner by himself? "yesh" says the barman

hang on
hang on
this joke is derogatory to australians, my mother told it to me, bloody funny,
but derogatory.....

I'll have to think of another one


PS: it was nice that for once, the Irishmen wasn't the brunt of the joke. I once rang the radio station and told them off for telling bad irish jokes on St Pat's day...some ppl just have no sense of humour eh?

what do you call an irishman who sits on your verandah all day?

Patty O'Furniture

 

[cass]

ummm
i think that should be

paddy O'furniture

still not that funny eh?
signed
cass o'wary

 

[Natztar]

Man these are lame. Anyone got some good jokes?

 

[ABEL]

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?




A: He had no guts!

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what i was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. for some reason i decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "a" for everything. in that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
the following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "is everything okay?" "sure," i said, "why? "well, here's your test," he said and handed me a piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "can you explain why you chose an 'a' for everything?"

knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, i said, "well, I've always wanted to be an 'a' student."

mmwwwwwuuaaaaahhhaha

ah theyre great at jokes.com. ah that is if youre stupidissimo

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

i did like this celebrity computer virus though:

oprah winfrey virus: your 200mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80mb, and then slowly expands to 300mb.

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

ah but here's an old favourite of mine:

two titties in an enveloppe,
put a stamp of 50 cts on it

its almost the mother of all jokes when it is literary translated in dutch.

 

[Angela Harlem]

[Irish joke]
A man goes into a bar at 4pm and asks the bartender for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman thinks its a little odd, but obliges. The man sits down, has his drinks, and leaves.
The next day it happens again. 4pm. The barman watches him and wonders why on earth he orders 3 then leaves.
The next day, same thing. Not being able to hold back his curiosity for any longer, the barman asks why he does this.
"Aye, you see, well I have 2 brodders and dey be over in Oireland still ye see, and so we made a promise to have a pint for each other at 4pm every day. So Oi'm really drinking deese in moi brodder's honour, ye see".
"Oh! Thats great! What a nice tradition!" the barman says. And pours him his drinks.
This goes on for a few weeks until one day the odd little Irishman comes in and says "Make it only 2 today please". The barman has a dreadful feeling something might have happened to one of his brothers back in Ireland. He tentatively asks if they are all ok.
"Oh yes, dey be fine, fine de pair of dem. Ye see, I went to de Doc dis morn and he tells me moi liver is playin up and I have to cut out the drink. So I have."

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

[dirty joke...from an actual book i saw called 'dirty jokes', so don't read on if you're easily offended]

why did the condom fly across the room?
it was pissed off.

 

[cass]

to be sure , to be sure...my next feeble attempt

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time in fact all of it.
What do you get at the end of it?
Death. That's what, a bonus?!! I think the life
cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Than you
go live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young
go collect all of your super, then , when you start work, you get a gold
watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough
to enoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you get
ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating with luxuries
like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish of as
an Orgasm!'Amen.'

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

that's indeed hilarious cass!! and it would be nice if it were that way. great finish.

 

[TylerDurden]

So Superman is flying around in SuperHero World. All is good except he's feeling a little randy. After flying around for a while he sees Batman up ahead.
"What's up Bats"
"What's up Supe"
"Oh, you know, it's all good except I'm horny as all hell"
"Well, you know there is Wonderwoman, she's a slut, you should go find her."
"I can't Bats, she's a really good friend, couldn't do it"
"Well, thats your loss Supe"

Superman keeps flying around, soon he see's Spiderman hangin' on a rooftop.
"Hey Spidey"
"What's up Supe!"
"Not much, I could really do with a shag though."
"I saw Wonderwoman earlier, she'll f*k anything, we've all done it."
"Nah, I can't, it wouldn't be cool at all."
"Supe, man, you're missing out."

Superman goes on his way. Soon he's flying over a field and he see's Wonderwoman lying there completely naked, legs spread.
This is too much of a temptation for him, and he thinks about it for a minute.
"I am Superman of course. I'm faster then a speeding bullet. I could be in and out of there before she even knew anything had happened."
He decides to do it.

Suddenly there is a flash of light and a sonic boom.
Wonderwoman says "What the hell was that?"
The Invisible Man rolls off her "I dunno, but my arse is killing me!!"




If I were any funnier I'd be twins.

 

[Flaming Friar Sr]

yikes i just visualized that tyler! great joke though.

 

[therulz]

lol...New Additions to the Periodic Table of Elements

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements



Element Name: WOMANIUM

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there)

Physical Properties:

Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties:

Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage:

Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.



Caution: highly explosive in inexeperienced hands!





Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties:

Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties:

Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element:CHILDIUM) for long periods of time. Neutralise by saturating with alcohol.

Usage:

None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on demand.

Caution: in the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

[cell]

Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fucking think so.

 

[deep]

A long time ago, in a small village, there was a young man who had been born with no arms. The village church took pity on him and gave him a job as the bell-ringer. Since he had no arms to work the ropes, he would take a running head start and slam himself into the bell.

One day, the man was feeling a little dizzy, and as he ran towards the bell, he completely missed and fell out of the bell tower to his death. Two men witnessed the fall and ran over to see if they could save him. One of them had a hard time recognizing the young man on the ground, so he asked his friend if he knew who it was.

"I'm not sure," said his friend, "but his face rings a bell."

About five years goes by,
an armless man shows up at the church looking for work.
The Priest says we do need a bell-ringer.

On day he slips, misses the bell and falls to his death.
When the town policeman arrives
he says, this guy looks like the last guy.
The Priest says, yeah he is a dead ringer.

 

[U2girl02]

^


Once there was a man who lost his eye in an accident. He couldn't afford a glass eye, so he opted for a wooden one instead. Because it was wood, it didn't look at all natural, and the man was very self conscious about it.

After a few months of listening to this man complain about how he would never get a date again because of his ugly eye, his best friend dragged him out to a club. While there, the man sat in the corner, complaining that no woman would ever want to dance with a man with a wooden eye. His friend, who was getting really ticked off, noticed a woman across the room who seemed just as reluctant to dance as his friend. She had a harelip, and was sure that no man would ever find her attractive.

So, the friend convinced the man to go ask the woman to dance. The man worked up the courage to talk to her, and crossed the room. Once he reached her, he tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, miss, would you care to dance?"

Her eyes lit up, she turned and said, "Would I!?"









Would I... wood eye... yeah yeah lame I know

 

[Danospano]

Q: What has 9 arms and sounds like shit?

A: Def Leppard

 

[Danospano]

Man #1: My dog's got no nose

Man #2: Well, how does it smell?

Man #1: Awful!

 

[SkeeK]

for some reason that one about the pirate and the steering wheel is one of the funniest jokes ever.

 

[bammo2]

Rude joke.....

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."

Not rude joke:

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the
dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Good ones, bammo!