unforgettableFOXfire
I serve MacPhisto
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2001
- Messages
- 2,053
Normally Id post this in my journal, but since dealing with the issue of loneliness in a personal journal that noone reads doesnt help to allay the issue in any way, its in here.
I dunno what it is. Maybe its the air. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the fact that one of my friends is engaged with his American girlfriend of 3 years. Maybe its the realisation that I was just being humoured when people said 'oh dont worry, youll find someone when you get to university, just give it a chance'. Maybe its that those who are the better of my friends all have someone and I dont, and I get the same consoling 'oh well youre a good guy, its just a matter of time' from each of them; the ones who blame me for being idealistic at times, but yet seem to think that the world is ideal enough to hand me something beautiful just because Im a 'good guy' - beautiful not being purely aesthetic beauty, but the entire scope of beauty.
I have love, but I have no object of love, and as such I have emotional overflow with no outlet... and thats not an easy thing to deal with... theres so much beauty in the world, and yet its other people who make things ugly by failing to appreciate things for what they are and arent...
I dont know what to think of love... is it just a psychological means to justify sex as a way to subvert our animal instincts as rational beings? or is there truly a love as I want to believe there is and dont want to miss out on, in my 0.0000000074% of existence... A love wherein a comprehensive and unspoken understanding and trust underlies a symbiotic and inexplicable and totally irrational bond that results in those ever-so delightful warm joyful feelings that pulse through the very core of ones being.
And how, having known those feelings, can one continue on without them, without being crushed in the infinite sadness of losing that one true and rare connection - even with everything else to appreciate, how can one still be that happy without any way to supplement the loss and again be a whole without sorrows; when their stone turns to sand, how will they keep from sliding? How can I stop my sliding.
I dont even know anymore, to be perfectly honest, what I even think I want... I dont even care what I want. I just dont want to want. I dont want to feel anymore. Im tired of feeling. Feeling anything short of happiness isnt living. Im tired of thinking. Thinking about feeling doesnt make feeling stop.
All I know is that no matter how nice, how pleasant, how much effort or energy I put in, at the end of the day I still havent any more friends than I had before, and at the end of the day Im still coming home and sitting in my room alone reading and fucking around on the computer.
Feh... who knows... surely not me...
Anyone and everyone, join the club. Membership is free. There will be cake every Tuesday, lounge singers every Wednesday, and professional shoulders to cry on every hour on the hour. And by everyone, I mean coupley people are not allowed.
Bleh.
I dunno what it is. Maybe its the air. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the fact that one of my friends is engaged with his American girlfriend of 3 years. Maybe its the realisation that I was just being humoured when people said 'oh dont worry, youll find someone when you get to university, just give it a chance'. Maybe its that those who are the better of my friends all have someone and I dont, and I get the same consoling 'oh well youre a good guy, its just a matter of time' from each of them; the ones who blame me for being idealistic at times, but yet seem to think that the world is ideal enough to hand me something beautiful just because Im a 'good guy' - beautiful not being purely aesthetic beauty, but the entire scope of beauty.
I have love, but I have no object of love, and as such I have emotional overflow with no outlet... and thats not an easy thing to deal with... theres so much beauty in the world, and yet its other people who make things ugly by failing to appreciate things for what they are and arent...
I dont know what to think of love... is it just a psychological means to justify sex as a way to subvert our animal instincts as rational beings? or is there truly a love as I want to believe there is and dont want to miss out on, in my 0.0000000074% of existence... A love wherein a comprehensive and unspoken understanding and trust underlies a symbiotic and inexplicable and totally irrational bond that results in those ever-so delightful warm joyful feelings that pulse through the very core of ones being.
And how, having known those feelings, can one continue on without them, without being crushed in the infinite sadness of losing that one true and rare connection - even with everything else to appreciate, how can one still be that happy without any way to supplement the loss and again be a whole without sorrows; when their stone turns to sand, how will they keep from sliding? How can I stop my sliding.
I dont even know anymore, to be perfectly honest, what I even think I want... I dont even care what I want. I just dont want to want. I dont want to feel anymore. Im tired of feeling. Feeling anything short of happiness isnt living. Im tired of thinking. Thinking about feeling doesnt make feeling stop.
All I know is that no matter how nice, how pleasant, how much effort or energy I put in, at the end of the day I still havent any more friends than I had before, and at the end of the day Im still coming home and sitting in my room alone reading and fucking around on the computer.
Feh... who knows... surely not me...
Anyone and everyone, join the club. Membership is free. There will be cake every Tuesday, lounge singers every Wednesday, and professional shoulders to cry on every hour on the hour. And by everyone, I mean coupley people are not allowed.
Bleh.