I was visiting a college friend's home in Kansas. My friend's name was Joe H. His father Bill H. was a Lt. Colonel. Joe H. was a Southern Baptist and I was an agnostic. Joe asked me to pray with him before dinner while in his room. I told Joe that I could not as I did 'not believe.' Joe told me that my problem was that I was 'afraid to pray.' So, being 21 one and feeling invincible, I told Joe that I accept his dare and I would pray. Joe closed his eyes and lowered his head, but I did neither. I kept my eyes open and said the following prayer: "If I have done anything wrong, I am truly sorry, and if there is a God I want to know you." Immediately, something like scales fell from my eyes. The scales were gray in color and seem to have the consistency of me of snake scales or the fragility of cigarette ashes to the human touch. I was amazed when they fell from my eyes and put out my hands almost in reflex in an effort to catch them; the scales fell into the palms of my hands but I felt nothing, they had no weight. Suddenly, a brilliant crystalline white light appeared above me half the distance between where I was sitting and Joe was sitting. Time seemed to stop. The amazing light flooded the entire room and everything it shone upon became a bleached white color: the furnishings, the beds, wood surfaces, painted walls, everything except for the skin tones of Joe and I. Our skin tones of our bodies and faces were unaffected. The light seemed infinitely bright, brighter than a million suns, but its light did not hurt my eyes. I could look into the light without pain. The light seemed to surrounding a being that I could not see. The being was occupying space but not space like we normally think of space. It seemed to be there and everywhere at the same time. The being seemed to possess a kind of infinite depth to itself.
Immediately, a strong but gentle voice spoke to me from the light, a voice heard not with my ears but with my mind. The being of light said, "Carry, I love you exactly the way you are." The funny thing was that when I heard that voice I recognize it. Somehow, I 'knew' this being. He was like the best friend I always wanted and wished for but did not know it. But, upon hearing his voice, I knew him immediately.
When the being of light first said this, I felt like the most loved human being of all time, the most favorite of all human beings in the universe, past, present or future, yet at the same time I knew this being loved everyone equally and just as infinitely as I felt right then. The being delighted in me and was completely focused on me. I was the center of its attention yet somehow I knew everyone was at the 'center' of its attention.
When the being said those words to me I knew it saw me as I was, faults and all, not just at that moment, but for all the moments of my life. I felt no shame, no judgment; in fact, it was so liberating to be known so perfectly, to be so wonderfully accepted, yet at the same time, not judged or condemned in the slightest way.
I saw this encounter as my best chance to ask the being of light a question. I somehow knew this being was God, Jesus in fact. I had been struggling with homosexual thoughts since a teen and felt so ashamed, so I asked this being, "Is it alright to be gay?"
I could not see the face of this being, but I can tell you I 'know' it smiled and laughed. It did not laugh at me. It seemed to enjoy the fact that I asked my question as if it knew how hard it was for me to ask it and how earnestly I sought the answer. It 'looked' at me with such love (I felt this but again I could not see its face) and then the loving being said, "Carry, that is not the most important question." He said that with such gentleness; it clearly wanted to draw me into his life so that all my questions could be answered. Before I could ask, "What is the most important question?," it "touched" the top of my head. Again, I did not see this being touch me, but I know it did. And, when it touched my head my whole body became translucent. I could see right through my body and my clothes yet at the same time I could make out every detail even as I could see right through myself! Then, it poured something of itself in me, and a wonderful golden light poured into me. It was pure gold, a shimmering golden light. It was so beautiful; it was not like any ordinary light as this light was 'alive' with pure joy, peace, goodness, life. And, I watched as the golden light 'filled' up my feet and then my legs and then my whole body to the very top of my head. At that eternal moment, I felt so alive, so free, so loved, so joyful that I no longer wanted to be on this earth. I realized that if I wanted to I could 'will' myself to leave my body and enter that wonderful light, becoming one with that being of light. And, so I did will that I leave my body, but the light instantly disappeared. Later, my friend Joe admitted that in his mind's eye he also saw a being of light while praying but as his eyes were closed he did not see what I saw. A few days later, I met a friend who knew nothing of what had happened and she immediately exclaimed, "Carry, what happened, you are so bright!" All of this happened years ago.
The experience changed me. God is real to me. I eventually became a Catholic priest. One of the lingering effects of this experience is that I am able to "see" spirits of people for a few days after their deaths. I have many encounters with loved ones right after their deaths. I could 'see' them and they communicate to me their joy. One told me, "Carry, it is so beautiful!"
I have felt the same unconditional love and exquisite joy that I felt with the being of light (Jesus) when they 'visit.' As a Catholic priest, I have experienced loving spirits at the funerals of parishioners. Sometimes, I can 'see' their loved ones standing next to the bereaved and I can feel their heavenly joy.
Consequently, I have no fear of death as I know that this loving being of light is real. As I say, I know that this being of light is Jesus. If we only knew, how loved we are loved by God and that we are truly beings of love meant to love and receive love!
Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes I can describe it but I express in words the love/joy/peace I felt.
At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No
At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? The entire time I was fully alert and fully conscious.