The Shyness Support Thread

[Pearl]

I have thought about starting a thread like this for a while, but what I experienced over the weekend has inspired me to do this.

I admit that I am a shy person. I'm the type who needs time to lighten up around someone new, have trouble making eye contact in a group setting with people I don't know (but eventually I relax), and I'm not someone to tell my life story to people I just met. If I'm feeling really shy and anxious, I might even stutter a little, which is horrible. I really wish I could be more relaxed and outgoing, but I just can't.

But even more frustrating is the way people perceive me. Because I am a quiet person, they assume that I am a snob, that I have no personality or simply there is something wrong with me. And I've had people tell me that to my face. I've also had people try to force me out of my comfort zone, and that upset me because I felt they were not being considerate. I understand more outgoing people are baffled by shy people - but outgoing people can baffle me sometimes!

Anyway, I found this group for shy people and I attended one of their meetings over the weekend. We had to get into small groups and discuss our shyness and later rotate. The meeting was amazing! We all shared our war stories, and it felt so good to be understood by others and know that we weren't alone.

So I wanted to start this thread for fellow shy people, where we can express our frustrations, and also say loud and proud: I'm shy and I'm OK with it!

 

[bonocomet]

Thanks. I also consider myself shy, though I think I got better at hiding it the older I got, and made more teen and adult friends. But as a child I'd say I was painfully shy. I was small for my age and was bullied a lot (I think because of my extreme quietness and shyness to join in with others), and never thought to try to stand up for myself because of shyness. That began to change slowly the older I got, but I still feel that way inside sometimes even now.
I don't think I would join a group right now anymore, but that is great that you found one and it helps you.

 

[Rachel D.]

I have been really shy, too, for most of my life and am still a quiet person and an introvert. I usually don't talk very much and I don't mind doing things on my own. I have a coworker who is the opposite; she never stops talking and it amazes me that one person can find so much to say for such a long time!

I used to think that shyness was a flaw (and American culture treats it as such) until I read this book:

Amazon.com: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking (9780307352156): Susan Cain: Books

I've mentioned it before in the reading thread, but it really changed my perspective about being shy and I don't feel like there's something wrong with me anymore. I recommend it to all the shy people out there.

Now when someone says, "You're so quiet; you don't say much, do you?" I think, "Yeah, and it makes you uncomfortable because you're an extrovert and require constant stimulation, don't you?"

 

[Pearl]

I used to think that shyness was a flaw (and American culture treats it as such) until I read this book:

Amazon.com: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking (9780307352156): Susan Cain: Books

I've mentioned it before in the reading thread, but it really changed my perspective about being shy and I don't feel like there's something wrong with me anymore. I recommend it to all the shy people out there.

I read it too, and it made me relax about being a quiet person.

Now when someone says, "You're so quiet; you don't say much, do you?" I think, "Yeah, and it makes you uncomfortable because you're an extrovert and require constant stimulation, don't you?"

If someone were to say to me, "how come you don't talk much?" - out snarkiness and honesty, I would say, "why can't you shut up for once?"

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i too am shy. it may not seem like it on here but anyone on here who's ever met me in person knows how quiet i actually am. once i come out of my shell i can be talkative (and at times can never shut up), but otherwise yeah, i'm definitely an introvert. in recent years i've only then come to the realisation that people thought i was rude or something as a result of my shyness or not wanting to talk unless i really had something to say. people i knew had relatives who were also as shy as me (maybe even shyer) and actually had the audacity to bitch that i was rude because i wasn't super chatty. okay. but i've just cut asses like that out of my life who were just clearly looking for things to criticise. it means i have less friends but i'd rather have two really good friends i can trust than ten i have to wonder about and always play my cards close to my chest.

 

[FlyontheHorizon]

A lot of people seem to be highly recommending that Susan Cain book. Hmm... Have to look into that one.

The thing about shyness is that I'm not accustomed to communicating, which only accentuates the problem. In real life, I can get through entire days without saying a word. Then, when I do speak, I often say little more than just a few words, and some people think I'm dumb, that my mind is so blank all the time, and I can't keep up with conversations. Sometimes I feel shy people have it rough already because it's harder to talk (as we constantly discourage ourselves from speaking up for whatever reason), only to have others look down on us as a result, making it even more discouraging. But introversion can be kind of fun sometimes, having your own conversation in your head and not feeling the need to having it critiqued by others.

Huh... that sounded a little anti-social...

 

[Rachel D.]

^ I know what you mean, I can keep myself entertained just with my own thoughts. That sounds a little nutty, but I'm always thinking about something and I don't need other people to keep me from being bored. I've heard that referred to as "living inside." The Edge strikes me as someone who is that way.

 

[U2360]

It's so weird to read exactly what I'm thinking.

 

[Saracene]

I used to think that shyness was a flaw (and American culture treats it as such) until I read this book:

Amazon.com: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking (9780307352156): Susan Cain: Books

I've mentioned it before in the reading thread, but it really changed my perspective about being shy and I don't feel like there's something wrong with me anymore.

I thought it was a great book as well. It really made me realise how hard I'd been on myself over the years for being a person who is quiet in large groups, doesn't have a large social circle, doesn't enjoy loud places like bars and clubs, likes to be by herself a lot and so on. I was also quite socially inept and closed off on top of that, but even though I've changed quite a lot in this regard and I'm a lot more comfortable with people and socialising, all of the above things are still true and reading that book helped me to accept that this is just my basic personality and I'm ok with that.

 

[anitram]

I think that there is a significant difference between shyness (especially in extreme forms) and introversion.

I am an introvert by nature but I am really not that shy. I work in a profession which is very aggressive and which demands confidence and an outgoing nature most of the time. And I do very well, but at the end of the day I need time to myself to just be quiet and introspective.

The Power of Introverts book is very good, however, I think it's important to realize that introversion is not the same as extreme shyness.

 

[Rachel D.]

It really is true that social situations can be physically exhausting for an introvert. My friend's bachelorette party was last Saturday (it was the least wild bachelorette party ever) and I didn't realize how much it wore me out until the next day. I was totally wiped out just from being in a group of people all afternoon and evening. I must have been tense the whole time without realizing it; when I was driving home, my neck and shoulders hurt like crazy, and that's where I "carry" my stress.

Now that I understand myself better, things like this are really fascinating to me instead of terrifying. In the past, I would have had a massive panic attack in this situation.