AtomicBono
ONE love, blood, life
There must be something wrong with me. My life really isn't that bad compared to many. My parents love me (though they're divorced, that's never really affected me, it's been that way since I was two and I see them both plenty) and aren't too restricting, I have lots of friends, my dad's well off so I don't have to work, I have a car (shitty, yes, but it works), I get straight A's, I'm about to graduate... yet I'm unhappy.
Perhaps "unhappy" isn't the right word. I am happy some of the time, extremely happy even. I've just been moody as hell lately. It seems every day I have a high point and at least one low point, usually more, and the low points are bad. I've gone through this before...in fact I'm always kind of like this...but it seems like it's worse than ever lately.
I do have my reasons. I didn't get into the college I wanted to so badly. I was really reluctant to leave home for a long time but when I visited NYU and found out about their Recorded Music program I fell in love. It got me to want to grow and be on my own. It gave me hope that I could really do something with my life and live somewhere exciting. I guess I kind of put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I really hoped I'd get in, but I didn't. Now I'm planning on going to IU where my mom goes to graduate school and I'm cool with that, because I know some of my friends are going there and I can live with my mom and I'd only be an hour away from home (Naptown) so I could even visit my other friends. But I can't help but feel like I failed. Instead of going away I'm taking the safe route and staying home, basically. And I haven't told my dad yet, which I dread doing because he wants me to go to an Ivy League or some prestigious little liberal arts school, and the ones I was going to apply to I couldn't because I waited too late to take SAT subject tests, because I thought I'd get into NYU. So basically it's all my fault.
Then there's this other thing. I've been head over heels in love with this guy who happens to be one of my best friends for like two years now. I know it sounds dumb and I hate it but it's really taken its toll on me. I really just can't deal with it. It just eats away at me and makes me feel pathetic. I haven't had a boyfriend throughout high school at all; I feel like a worthless loser. I get so goddamn lonely sometimes...
Then there's the little things. Like driving. It terrifies me. I've been in two [minor] wrecks and I've only been driving my car a few months. I'm not a reckless driver yet both wrecks were arguably my fault, or at least partially my fault. So driving scares me, which is retarded. i've been avoiding it, which makes me feel like a coward. I hate it. and people... it's like lately, I get so lonely, yet at the same time I'm avoiding people. it doesn't make sense.
I just think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I'm so depressed and lonely and hopeless and stuff, and other times I'm just fine. I mean, I know everyone has mood swings to an extent, especially teenagers, but it's just killing me. I don't know what to do. Is it all my fault? Do i need to change? Should I go back to a psychiatrist and therapist and take antidepressants again? I was on Zoloft from the fourth grade all the way until sophomore year, when I fell in love and quit because antidepressants don't cure lovesickness. But I don't want to be on pills again. What if they just repress who I am? Maybe I'm meant to be like this? I'm not sad all the time. I still function. I don't cry in front of anyone. I haven't even done any form of self-harm in like a year. But inside I'm breaking down.
Sorry for the long post...
Perhaps "unhappy" isn't the right word. I am happy some of the time, extremely happy even. I've just been moody as hell lately. It seems every day I have a high point and at least one low point, usually more, and the low points are bad. I've gone through this before...in fact I'm always kind of like this...but it seems like it's worse than ever lately.
I do have my reasons. I didn't get into the college I wanted to so badly. I was really reluctant to leave home for a long time but when I visited NYU and found out about their Recorded Music program I fell in love. It got me to want to grow and be on my own. It gave me hope that I could really do something with my life and live somewhere exciting. I guess I kind of put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I really hoped I'd get in, but I didn't. Now I'm planning on going to IU where my mom goes to graduate school and I'm cool with that, because I know some of my friends are going there and I can live with my mom and I'd only be an hour away from home (Naptown) so I could even visit my other friends. But I can't help but feel like I failed. Instead of going away I'm taking the safe route and staying home, basically. And I haven't told my dad yet, which I dread doing because he wants me to go to an Ivy League or some prestigious little liberal arts school, and the ones I was going to apply to I couldn't because I waited too late to take SAT subject tests, because I thought I'd get into NYU. So basically it's all my fault.
Then there's this other thing. I've been head over heels in love with this guy who happens to be one of my best friends for like two years now. I know it sounds dumb and I hate it but it's really taken its toll on me. I really just can't deal with it. It just eats away at me and makes me feel pathetic. I haven't had a boyfriend throughout high school at all; I feel like a worthless loser. I get so goddamn lonely sometimes...
Then there's the little things. Like driving. It terrifies me. I've been in two [minor] wrecks and I've only been driving my car a few months. I'm not a reckless driver yet both wrecks were arguably my fault, or at least partially my fault. So driving scares me, which is retarded. i've been avoiding it, which makes me feel like a coward. I hate it. and people... it's like lately, I get so lonely, yet at the same time I'm avoiding people. it doesn't make sense.
I just think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I'm so depressed and lonely and hopeless and stuff, and other times I'm just fine. I mean, I know everyone has mood swings to an extent, especially teenagers, but it's just killing me. I don't know what to do. Is it all my fault? Do i need to change? Should I go back to a psychiatrist and therapist and take antidepressants again? I was on Zoloft from the fourth grade all the way until sophomore year, when I fell in love and quit because antidepressants don't cure lovesickness. But I don't want to be on pills again. What if they just repress who I am? Maybe I'm meant to be like this? I'm not sad all the time. I still function. I don't cry in front of anyone. I haven't even done any form of self-harm in like a year. But inside I'm breaking down.
Sorry for the long post...