It's just another day, nothing in my way...

[AtomicBono]

There must be something wrong with me. My life really isn't that bad compared to many. My parents love me (though they're divorced, that's never really affected me, it's been that way since I was two and I see them both plenty) and aren't too restricting, I have lots of friends, my dad's well off so I don't have to work, I have a car (shitty, yes, but it works), I get straight A's, I'm about to graduate... yet I'm unhappy.

Perhaps "unhappy" isn't the right word. I am happy some of the time, extremely happy even. I've just been moody as hell lately. It seems every day I have a high point and at least one low point, usually more, and the low points are bad. I've gone through this before...in fact I'm always kind of like this...but it seems like it's worse than ever lately.

I do have my reasons. I didn't get into the college I wanted to so badly. I was really reluctant to leave home for a long time but when I visited NYU and found out about their Recorded Music program I fell in love. It got me to want to grow and be on my own. It gave me hope that I could really do something with my life and live somewhere exciting. I guess I kind of put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. I really hoped I'd get in, but I didn't. Now I'm planning on going to IU where my mom goes to graduate school and I'm cool with that, because I know some of my friends are going there and I can live with my mom and I'd only be an hour away from home (Naptown) so I could even visit my other friends. But I can't help but feel like I failed. Instead of going away I'm taking the safe route and staying home, basically. And I haven't told my dad yet, which I dread doing because he wants me to go to an Ivy League or some prestigious little liberal arts school, and the ones I was going to apply to I couldn't because I waited too late to take SAT subject tests, because I thought I'd get into NYU. So basically it's all my fault.

Then there's this other thing. I've been head over heels in love with this guy who happens to be one of my best friends for like two years now. I know it sounds dumb and I hate it but it's really taken its toll on me. I really just can't deal with it. It just eats away at me and makes me feel pathetic. I haven't had a boyfriend throughout high school at all; I feel like a worthless loser. I get so goddamn lonely sometimes...

Then there's the little things. Like driving. It terrifies me. I've been in two [minor] wrecks and I've only been driving my car a few months. I'm not a reckless driver yet both wrecks were arguably my fault, or at least partially my fault. So driving scares me, which is retarded. i've been avoiding it, which makes me feel like a coward. I hate it. and people... it's like lately, I get so lonely, yet at the same time I'm avoiding people. it doesn't make sense.

I just think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I'm so depressed and lonely and hopeless and stuff, and other times I'm just fine. I mean, I know everyone has mood swings to an extent, especially teenagers, but it's just killing me. I don't know what to do. Is it all my fault? Do i need to change? Should I go back to a psychiatrist and therapist and take antidepressants again? I was on Zoloft from the fourth grade all the way until sophomore year, when I fell in love and quit because antidepressants don't cure lovesickness. But I don't want to be on pills again. What if they just repress who I am? Maybe I'm meant to be like this? I'm not sad all the time. I still function. I don't cry in front of anyone. I haven't even done any form of self-harm in like a year. But inside I'm breaking down.

Sorry for the long post...

 

[cdisantis83]

Sometimes depression can be brought on by one's own personal philosophies, which at times can make that person simply incapable of reconciling certain facets of their life or the events of the world and/or people around them with their hopes and expectations. Admittedly, I battle depression from time to time for the aforementioned reason. "I'm not broke, but you can see the cracks" often seems incredibly apt for my overall state of mind as of late. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I am able to offer any sound advice for dealing with it, except simply to attempt to work out such problems intellectually.

 

[onebloodonelife]

I'm also in my senior year and didn't get into my first choice college. It sucks, bigtime. I'm on a waitlist for my second choice and appealing that decision (long story, but it's basically because of my health problems in the past year). I've got to apply to another college soon so that I at least have somewhere to go next year.

I haven't had a boyfriend in high school either. The guys I've liked (which is not very many) haven't liked me back or whatever. Plus, my school doesn't exactly have the cream of the crop or anything. I just look at it like, well, if they don't want to date me, that's fine, they probably weren't what I'm looking for anyway.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice about the antidepressants, I take enough meds as it is and I try to avoid more than I need to take.

again, and please post again if you're in need of any more help.

 

[Liesje]

I don't think you should feel bad for feeling this way. Like you said, sure you a privileged compared to most, but you feel how you feel, the important thing is to figure out why and what can be done about it.

I think most people get down during their senior year. In fact, I'd worry more if people didn't. A lot of changes are ahead, so it's impossible to avoid stress and anxiety.

I too did not go to the college that was my first choice. It was very far away, which would have been fine (I don't get homesick), but since I'm not a resident of that state, tuition is way more, plus travel expenses I just couldn't afford with my after-school and weekend jobs. Also, the program I wanted to do is intense, you have to apply into the program of study even if you get into the school, and I decided that it would be too much to move thousands of miles away and not even have the chance to make new friends. I often wonder how things would have been if I'd still gone. I don't regret choosing a different path, but I can't say this path has been easy.

You can always give yourself a break the first few years, to adjust, and transfer later on or go to grad school at one of the Ivy League schools. You sound pretty smart and well-rounded, like you know how to consider your options and that's important. Most people go to school near home because they can't cut the umbilical cord and wouldn't even consider going elsewhere. You have researched other options, so there's no reason to give up on them yet.

As for the driving thing, I can totally relate. I'm a perfectionist and I don't do things I can't do perfectly. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm not a great driver, intuitively at least. I've hit so many other cars it's not even funny. Fortunately, no major accidents, only twice the car had to be fixed (once was like my first time driving and the other I got rear-ended at a light). I also have very bad vision and seeing at night, I basically see double (reading light on dark - street signs - is the most difficult for me). Typically, I will not drive unless I know exactly where I'm going and won't need to read street signs. One thing that helped me was just telling myself "Yeah, so I suck at driving sometimes, big deal. I get As and I'm not a bad kid. We can't be perfect at everything." As long as I'm not in a major accident, I've learned to laugh it off. The more you drive, the easier it gets. As a teen, I never had a car and was not allowed to use my parents, so I rarely drove (just gave friends gas money and tips). Now that I have my husband's car for work, I'm getting better and more confident.

I think you are just ready for a change and ready to figure out what you really want in life. Looking back, I was pretty much the same way during highschool. I had friends, straight As, I worked and made my own money, I was captain and MVP of the gymnastics team.....but sometimes I just felt like it meant nothing and I was just going through the motions. Once I got to college, I could pick what courses to take, get new jobs that were more related to my field of study, do a study in Africa, make some new friends, get away from my family and have my own space, etc. Keep toughing it out until college and of course seeing a counselor or therapist could only help.

 

[Lancemc]

Senior year is tough for everyone, and not getting into your choice college is obviously really affecting you. That's not surprising. You're at a point in life where the future is incredibly vague, and that is scary for everyone. It's how you trat yourself and your own attitude that can make the difference, because the circumstances are probably not going to change.

As for the other things, well, I'm definitely not the best person to offer advice. Just continue to be strong and have faith. I wish I had more to offer. I know you really helped me out though my whole romantic drama, and I want to do my best to return the favor.

 

[LJT]

In the states can you put off going to college for a year to reapply to elsewhere?

A tad cliche, but I think you need some little victories in your life...like maybe just taking your car out to a really quiet road, just to build up your confidence again...or ask your dad or mum to come driving with you for a wee bit.

Feeling like your going nowhere builds up pretty fast and can weigh you down, it self-perpetuates. Have you ever attempted to tell your friend how you feel?

 

[Liesje]

In the states can you put off going to college for a year to reapply to elsewhere?

Yes, you can put it off indefinitely. Some people start when they are 40. Some people start when they are 17, but maybe take a year or two off to work for more tuition money or change schools. If your money so you can do whatever you want.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Not having a boyfriend, the driving thing, or anything else you have said here, doesn't make you a "loser" or "pathetic" or anything of the sort. From reading your posts here I think you're an intelligent and self aware girl, with quite a bit going for her. It is a difficult time in life in general, but my opinion is that you have to go through it in order to get to the point of being a woman. Not that that is a walk in the park, because it certainly isn't. But everything you go through when you are younger makes you stronger and better, well it did for me.

If you feel you need to talk to a professional, by all means do it. But my inclination is to avoid the drugs if they are not necessary. But if they are you need to find that out from a professional, and one who will truly listen to you and do what is best for you.

Feel those things and work through them. Feeling things deeply and feeling conflicted is an indication of a good and thoughtful person, a person who thinks seriously about what really matters. You are too tough on yourself, just in my humble opinion. Give yourself more credit for who you are.

Have you, and can you, talk to your parents about all of this?

 

[redhotswami]

you sound so stressed! like, MrsS said, perhaps talking to your parents and a professional may help.

it sucks not getting into your first choice, but that doesn't mean your chances are ruined forever. you can always transfer!! just keep up with those As, and get on board with an admissions counselor at the other school so you can have your application in tact.

by the way, my friend went to IU and did the music program, he loved it! so...maybe this is a window to potentially beneficial direction?

i sometimes wish i had went to college out of state, just to experience a new state. especially with grad school, since it is paid for and out of state tuition wouldn've been a problem. but... i made up for it by doing volunteer programs in other states and other countries. so you can still get that experience!

By the way, I never had a boyfriend in highschool, and to this day my awesomeness is not questioned so that doesn't make you a loser that makes you awesome like me!

 

[UberBeaver]

to this day my awesomeness is not questioned so that doesn't make you a loser that makes you awesome like me!

That's true, it is not questioned. Ever. By anyone. Even Chuck Norris.

AB, I'm sorry to hear of your condition. It makes me sad. And I am also sad to find that such sadness can exist in a place called "Naptown". That sounds like another word for Heaven.

 

[AtomicBono]

Thanks for the replies guys, I really appreciate it

I haven't had a boyfriend in high school either. The guys I've liked (which is not very many) haven't liked me back or whatever. Plus, my school doesn't exactly have the cream of the crop or anything. I just look at it like, well, if they don't want to date me, that's fine, they probably weren't what I'm looking for anyway.

Yeah that's pretty much the same with me, I fell in love with this one guy (who graduated almost two years ago anyway) but other than that I don't really like anyone at school. I get crushes sometimes but there's not a lot to pick from... I mean there's very few guys I'd actually want to date even if they wanted to date me. guess i'm picky

Originally posted by LJT
Have you ever attempted to tell your friend how you feel?

I told him I liked him two years ago. He had a girlfriend (still does), so I really shouldn't have told him, but he was very nice about it. He knew that after I told him I started to get really depressed about it and he felt bad, and he would say things like "yeah i'd totally date you but i'm so close to my girlfriend" and tell me i was hot and all this...I think I took him a little too seriously, like I actually expected something to happen, when really he was probably just trying to make me feel better. Once he graduated I stopped bringing it up. sooo...that was about a year and a half ago. nothing's really changed since. we're still good friends, he still has the same girlfriend, i still feel the same. i fear i've posted about this before

Originally posted by MrsSpringsteen
Have you, and can you, talk to your parents about all of this?

thank you for your kind words... yeah, I actually called my mom last night. I feel so fortunate that my mom and I are incredibly close. she made me feel a little better.

I told my dad I was going to IU, and I got about the reaction I expected. He obviously was disappointed, but in a very quiet way. I feel like I failed him, but I'm not ashamed to go to IU. I'm looking forward to it, actually. I told my dad I was considering medical school and he didn't seem to think I was serious about it, said it was just because I started watching House i've always been fascinated by the human body though and as a kid i was absolutely obsessed with it for awhile and wanted to be a doctor. so i'm kind of trying to learn to disregard what he thinks. mom told me i can't spend my life trying to please other people, and since my dad was so brilliant (valedictiorian in high school, got accepted early decision into Harvard, then went to law school at University of Michigan) I've always pressured myself to live up to that. but that's not what I want in life. though if I did go to medical school i'd love to go to Harvard.

for now I'm looking forward to IU. I'll see how I like it and consider applying to transfer, or I may just wait til grad school to go elsewhere. I just have to get through the rest of senior year now. I think I just have a bad case of senioritis; I'm sick of school and everything that reminds me of it, yet I still have an attachment to it.

Liesje - glad to know I'm not the only one with a driving problem. I'm thinking I'll only drive when i need to, but not avoid it completely, and maybe practice more with my mom, though she says i'm a perfectly good driver. but driving in bloomington is a lot less stressful for me at least, less traffic and all.

Originally posted by UberBeaver
And I am also sad to find that such sadness can exist in a place called "Naptown". That sounds like another word for Heaven.

if you don't know, Naptown is what we call Indianapolis, and it's not quite heaven unless the Colts actually make it this year, then maybe it will be!

 

[sami0201]

I think all of us seniors have the same issues. I didn't get accepted into my first choice school either, and I was really upset for a while but I guess we have to accept that everything happens for a reason. I still have no clue where I'm going to go, I need to wait for the rest of my decisions. It's really frustrating to not know where I'm going next year or what I want to do with me life, it seems like I'm the only one. I got into IU, maybe I'll see you there! I have kind of the same situation, straight A's all through school, good SAT scores, etc. and I didn't get into UNC.

As for boys, I say stay away from high school boys. I also have never had a real boyfriend in high school, and I get lonely a lot too. Especially when I look at my friends who have amazing boyfriends. But the thing is that the few great guys who I would actually consider as a boyfriend have girlfriends! Lucky girls. Lately I've been partying way too much and hooking up with way too many guys, from my experience they are all assholes. I just think it's true that girls mature faster than guys and I personally don't even want to get involved with anyone in my school anymore. I'll wait until college and find an older guy. I'm sure we will all find someone great eventually.

And I just want to tell you that you're really lucky that you're close to your parents. I'm not close with my parents at all, I barely even talk to my dad and we live in the same house. It sucks sometimes to have no one to talk to about things like this. When I didn't get into UNC and I was obviously extremely upset, my dad told me I was an ungrateful bitch and that he was happy I didn't get in. I'm really close with one of my aunts and I call her a lot to talk about things but she lives in NY (I'm in FL) so it's frustrating a lot that I can't see her in person. I have one teacher who I am extremely close with and I tell him everything but besides that I have no one. Anyway, appreciate your parents!

for now I'm looking forward to IU. I'll see how I like it and consider applying to transfer, or I may just wait til grad school to go elsewhere. I just have to get through the rest of senior year now. I think I just have a bad case of senioritis; I'm sick of school and everything that reminds me of it, yet I still have an attachment to it.

I agree. I'm looking forward to college too and if I don't like it I can always transfer. I may also stay in state and go to UF (if I get in) but I'm scared that I'll regret it. I moved here from NY 5 years ago and I've ALWAYS told myself that I'll finally be able to get out of this damn state when I go to college. But I also feel bad making my parents pay for me to go somewhere like Michigan (I got in) when it's the same kind of school as UF. And I love being a senior but I kind of hate it! I'm looking foward to college but I'm also very attached to my school and some teachers and stuff so it'll also be really sad. On one hand I wish I could stay in high school forever, on the other I can't wait to get the hell out of my house and meet all new people and start a new life in college.

 

[AtomicBono]

And I just want to tell you that you're really lucky that you're close to your parents. I'm not close with my parents at all, I barely even talk to my dad and we live in the same house. It sucks sometimes to have no one to talk to about things like this. When I didn't get into UNC and I was obviously extremely upset, my dad told me I was an ungrateful bitch and that he was happy I didn't get in. I'm really close with one of my aunts and I call her a lot to talk about things but she lives in NY (I'm in FL) so it's frustrating a lot that I can't see her in person. I have one teacher who I am extremely close with and I tell him everything but besides that I have no one. Anyway, appreciate your parents!

i'm sorry i do appreciate my parents, believe me, especially since a lot of my friends have at least one parent they don't get along with at all. that's partially why i feel like such a failure, because my dad is such a caring, nice, good person and i feel terrible disappointing him in any way.

I hope you find a college you enjoy, let me know if you end up at IU...

i know what you mean about both loving and hating being a senior. lately i've been feeling very lonely yet I also have a strong desire to be alone, which is confusing to say the least. I think it's because I'm sick of all my friends (well, most of them) and I don't want to leave them at the same time

 

[sami0201]

Yeah I know what you mean. Even though I don't get along with my dad I think part of my problem is that I also feel like I disappointed him by not getting in and maybe that's why he freaked out. Obviously he went about it the wrong way but maybe he was just diasppointed. Sounds like we are in the same situation. My dad is also so smart, got accepted to Harvard Law, etc. I have always worked so hard in school my whole life because he kind of expected it from me. I don't know.

And I know exactly what you mean about your friends. I kind of got sick of my friends (the "good girls") and I started hanging out with the "fast crowd" which explains all the partying and stuff. But that's a whole other story. I'm kind of over that now too and I just want to meet all new people but at the same time I don't. Ugh, being a teenager sucks sometimes!

Anyway, sorry for hijacking your thread!

 

[VertigoGal]

I can relate to both of you about so much.

although I'm a sophomore (god please kill me).

they've already succeeded in stressing me out about my future which I'm apparently going to fail at because I have no direction in life. I'm sure even if I get into a college I want to, I'll never be able to afford it. I'd also love to go to NYU (and UNC too actually) but it'll never happen.

I completely relate on the wanting to be alone yet not wanting to leave your friends or be lonely. I dunno. you have every right to feel that way, anyway, you don't have to justify your feelings.

sami I can't believe your dad said that to you. "disappointment" or not it's ridiculous how many adults never learned to express themselves in a constructive way that doesn't traumatize their kids. sorry.



I seriously am convinced I have no future because like you guys I get good grades but lack confidence, direction, whatever the opposite of procrastination is...oh yeah motivation. oh well.

 

[LJT]

And I just want to tell you that you're really lucky that you're close to your parents. I'm not close with my parents at all, I barely even talk to my dad and we live in the same house. It sucks sometimes to have no one to talk to about things like this. When I didn't get into UNC and I was obviously extremely upset, my dad told me I was an ungrateful bitch and that he was happy I didn't get in. I'm really close with one of my aunts and I call her a lot to talk about things but she lives in NY (I'm in FL) so it's frustrating a lot that I can't see her in person. I have one teacher who I am extremely close with and I tell him everything but besides that I have no one. Anyway, appreciate your parents!

Some people seriously should not be allowed to be parents. Life does tend to suck for people who have intelligence in high school.

I honestly think in the US or here they try to make you decide your life away far too early, from 16 you are meant to know what you want to do for the rest of your life, not many people really do...but the expectation to have everything already sorted out in your life drags people down...direction in life comes with a bit more experience of it. I had to drop out of uni to figure out what I wanted to do, I believe that course changing is a more flexible in the states than it is here? Here if you don't have certain subjects already attained...say if you only had Biology, Computing, Physics, you couldn't transfer to Biochemistry, Medicine, Microbiology etc, you would need to drop out and get Chemistry over a year period to go back to uni to do one of those....currently what I am doing.

Anyways we have 3 highly articulate and intelligent girls here in VG, Saimi and AtomicBono, that's a brilliant enough direction in life as they come

 

[sami0201]

that way, anyway, you don't have to justify your feelings.

sami I can't believe your dad said that to you. "disappointment" or not it's ridiculous how many adults never learned to express themselves in a constructive way that doesn't traumatize their kids. sorry.



I seriously am convinced I have no future because like you guys I get good grades but lack confidence, direction, whatever the opposite of procrastination is...oh yeah motivation. oh well.

Thanks.


And you DO have a future, even if it's not decided anytime soon. I think I have a future, even though I have no idea where I'm going to school or what I'm going to do with my life. I'm just going to be one of those kids who goes to college with an undecided major, and I think eventually I'll figure myself out. Hopefully. Don't lose your motivation just yet, wait until you're a senior. Please don't stop trying and stuff, because I know plenty of people who did and I cannot tell you how much they regret slacking off sophomore and junior years, because it really affected the places they can go to college. It's so fucking competitive presently, it's basically sickening.

 

[AtomicBono]

I think I have a future, even though I have no idea where I'm going to school or what I'm going to do with my life. I'm just going to be one of those kids who goes to college with an undecided major, and I think eventually I'll figure myself out. Hopefully.

yeah tons of people start with an undecided major, and most people switch majors anyway...

man today was worse than i've been in a long time, i thought maybe i was getting better but I guess not. I couldn't even function in all my classes. a couple people even noticed i looked upset and i usually do my best to hide it. i keep going back and forth between feeling excited for the future and feeling hopeless and empty. almost all day i felt like i had no future, like i had nothing i wanted to do at the moment, like i didn't want to be around any people. i feel like in so many ways i'm going nowhere.

 

[JanuaryStar]

First of all, I'd like to give a big hug to anyone here that has felt depressed or is feeling depressed at the time... I know it's only virtual, but do know that it is well-meant and comes from the bottom of my heart I've been there, I know how tough it can be. In fact, I have been suffering a bit from it again lately, but not as much, and hoping that I will be the full old 'me' again soon

BUT, I'm not here to talk about myself... AtomicBono, don't apologise for your post being too long. Talking about you and your emotions really can't be valued in space

I hear what you're saying... Feeling lonely and depressed like this really does get you down so much, even though you know there 'shouldn't' be anything to be sad about, because you have a good life and all that.

But still, feeling like this, you should NEVER, ever blame yourself for. Being a bit pessimistic or feeling depressed can be a personal characteristic sometimes, but it doesn't have to be that bad that you feel lonely or sad all the time.

The first thing I noticed when I read your part is that you blame a lot of things on yourself... Calling yourself a failure and feeling like you're the one that should change really doesn't help. You should try and be more open about your emotions. If you never talk to people about how you REALLY feel deep down inside, and, for example, never dare or want to cry in front of anyone, then you're holding up your emotions. Then you start to 'overthink' about how you're the person that's doing wrong things, and if you think like this over and over again, then yes, someday you will start believing it and that's what gets you down so much.

Do try to talk about how you feel in daily life. Whether it is to friends or your family, it can start to get better from here. Also, if you really continue to feel depressed, you could start to get counselling again. No need to feel ashamed for that, I think it's brave to admit that you need help instead of feeling as a 'failure'. It doesn't necessarily have to mean that you have to start taking antidepressants right away again... But taking a step in the right direction is really what you need to do right now. 'Cause it's such a shame when you have to worry so much already in your life... You still have such a long time ahead of you

If you ever want to talk about stuff, or just about how you feel or what you've been through, don't hesitate to PM me or send me an e-mail... In fact that's for everybody who has read this and thinks, I want to talk sometime. Don't worry about me judging you, I've really seen a lot already and I don't care where you come from or what bad things you've done in life... All those things have made you the person you are today

EDIT: Sami your father really said that?? He's the one that's being the ungrateful one here I'm sorry to hear this, and also that you don't have a good relationship with your parents... Though I'm glad that you have a good relationship with one of your aunts

 

[VertigoGal]

Thanks.


And you DO have a future, even if it's not decided anytime soon. I think I have a future, even though I have no idea where I'm going to school or what I'm going to do with my life. I'm just going to be one of those kids who goes to college with an undecided major, and I think eventually I'll figure myself out. Hopefully. Don't lose your motivation just yet, wait until you're a senior. Please don't stop trying and stuff, because I know plenty of people who did and I cannot tell you how much they regret slacking off sophomore and junior years, because it really affected the places they can go to college. It's so fucking competitive presently, it's basically sickening.

thanks. I know I can have some kind of future. to be honest I have a few dream jobs that I wouldn't tell anyone about because I don't feel like I'm smart or capable enough to achieve them. I mean I get good grades but that doesn't really make me feel smart necessarily. I dunno.

anyway I don't think I'm capable of letting my grades drop as much as I may hate certain classes or feel like it's a pointless degrading useless waste of my precious time on earth. I'm just like that, I don't think there's anything wrong with B's at all but it would actually kill me to get one. stupid I know.

anyway, sorry to go on and on about myself it's just I'm worried about about how competitive it is like you said- like even if I put so much effort into it, I'll never be perfect or outstanding enough to get into anywhere or get any money to afford the places I do get into. so I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those people that limits myself to a job I don't really want because I'm afraid I'm not capable of doing what I (think I) want to do.

 

[AtomicBono]

thanks. I know I can have some kind of future. to be honest I have a few dream jobs that I wouldn't tell anyone about because I don't feel like I'm smart or capable enough to achieve them. I mean I get good grades but that doesn't really make me feel smart necessarily. I dunno.

anyway I don't think I'm capable of letting my grades drop as much as I may hate certain classes or feel like it's a pointless degrading useless waste of my precious time on earth. I'm just like that, I don't think there's anything wrong with B's at all but it would actually kill me to get one. stupid I know.

I know exactly how you feel. I get straight A's but still feel like a moron. You know what it's like when you get good grades - everyone assumes you're smart, and they expect more out of you. Sometimes I wish I had just been an average student so people would be thrilled that I was going to IU instead of thinking of it as a disappointment. I abhorr pretension (though, ironically enough, I'm sure I'm guilty of it), which is partially why I felt an aversion to the Ivy League schools... but at the same time I can't help but feel that I threw away my chance at a great education. Yet I hate the attitude that any school is inherently so much better than another, because then you degrade the people that aren't in those goddamn $45,000 a year schools that the average person can't afford anyway.

Yeah, I'm going in circles.

I know what you mean about getting a B though. Again, since you get good grades people expect more of you, so if a C-average student gets a B his parents are proud, but if a straight-A student gets a B it's like "what happened?"

anyway, sorry to go on and on about myself it's just I'm worried about about how competitive it is like you said- like even if I put so much effort into it, I'll never be perfect or outstanding enough to get into anywhere or get any money to afford the places I do get into. so I have a feeling I'm going to be one of those people that limits myself to a job I don't really want because I'm afraid I'm not capable of doing what I (think I) want to do.

No one is perfect and there is always someone better than you. It's obvious but that feeling can eat away at you regardless. As for money... if you really want to go to a good expensive school, go for it. Scholarships, student loans... there are ways to get money. you might go into deep debt but it's worth it if it helps you get the job you really want. if you have some dream jobs, pursue them. if you fail at all attempts then you can get stuck with the job you don't want, but you should try first!

I probably seem hypocritical since I'm going in state where it's cheap for college but I fucked it up for myself by not taking the SAT subject tests. Maybe I'll apply to transfer, I don't know. I'm very uncertain and indecisive.

JanuaryStar - thanks for caring... i'll probably go to a psychiatrist if it gets really bad... but i want that to be last resort. it's true that i don't like showing emotion in front of people because i feel like it's a sign of weakness... when i was a kid i was really sensitive so i cried a lot. usually just in front of family but yea. now i'm pretty much the same, i just hide it better. when i was in 9th grade i started a really stupid habit because i was depressed and eventually broke down and showed my dad, sobbing and stuff...i don't want him or anyone to think i'm not in control now. I don't want to bother people with my problems (hypocritical seeing as I made this thread )

 

[JanuaryStar]

JanuaryStar - thanks for caring... i'll probably go to a psychiatrist if it gets really bad... but i want that to be last resort. it's true that i don't like showing emotion in front of people because i feel like it's a sign of weakness... when i was a kid i was really sensitive so i cried a lot. usually just in front of family but yea. now i'm pretty much the same, i just hide it better. when i was in 9th grade i started a really stupid habit because i was depressed and eventually broke down and showed my dad, sobbing and stuff...i don't want him or anyone to think i'm not in control now. I don't want to bother people with my problems (hypocritical seeing as I made this thread )

Really there's no need to thank me

Just want to say one more thing... You're NO moron just because some things don't always work out the way you want them to... Getting a B instead of straight A's all the time? I feel the same like you sometimes, feel like I'm a failure or something... But hey, guess what, you're not I know it won't help much that I'm saying this, but sometimes you really don't have to deliver top-notch... Sometimes it's okay to be glad with a little less.

And, you're not bothering people with your problems. You're sharing, so please don't hold those emotions/thoughts inside whenever you talk to somebody... It's kind of weird me saying this, because I can totally relate to you, I'm the same in so many ways... But you have to try. You have to try to show people the real you, who you really are... Not the person who's always hiding. Just let that mask go, and show your thoughts I'm also still in this 'learning-process', but what is a better day to start than today?

 

[Allanah]

Trust me, AtomicBono, what you're going through is completely normal. If anything, you have far more drive than most high school seniors I've ever known. I know I'm a newbie here, but I've lurked for quite awhile, and I've always found your posts to be insightful and funny (I was shocked to discover how young you are.) You've got a brain, a sense of humor, and self-awareness. You're already WAY ahead of 99% of America's youth.

I'm 24, and finally winding up my own college career (I'll be done at the end of the summer.) I didn't figure out what I wanted to do until a few years ago, and had been pretty much winging it until then. I still am, kind of. But finally, finally I feel that I'm at a point in my life where real "adulthood" is in sight for me. Just recently everything's begun "clicking" for me. It takes a while; give it some time. I've stayed in-state and still live at home; fortunately, I've always gotten along fabulously with my parents, so living with them has never been an issue for me. Besides, the food's better and rent's cheaper.

Also, don't be afraid to take time off from school, especially if that's what you need to get into NYU (and what's with these new SATs? A few years ago, it was just the math and verbal portions. What sort of hell are they putting students through now?) There'll always be someone who'll say, "Don't take time off, or you won't go back!" Bullshit, says I. I've taken two semesters off, both at separate times, and now I'm about ready to graduate. Sometimes it's good to just work for a while, maybe travel a little.

On the guy front: lord, honey, don't ever feel bad about that. I'm 24 and have never had a real boyfriend. Partially because I feel like I've got enough on my plate already when it comes to school and work, and partially because I'm just really picky. And kinda bitchy. I think it's quite normal these days, espeically reading what some other ladies have had to say in this thread. And yes, it does get lonely sometimes, being single, and GOD does unrequited love ever suck. We've all gone through it or will go through it at some point in our lifetimes. All I can say is that as much as it hurts, it WILL pass, and you WILL find someone. Toughing it out sucks, I know, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Once you're in college, I suspect that you'll have a whole different outlook on things -- and it's not that far away, just hang on tight until then. If you're ever feeling low, just throw on "Discotheque" and dance around your room like a moron. Works for me, anyway.

 

[AtomicBono]

Trust me, AtomicBono, what you're going through is completely normal. If anything, you have far more drive than most high school seniors I've ever known. I know I'm a newbie here, but I've lurked for quite awhile, and I've always found your posts to be insightful and funny (I was shocked to discover how young you are.) You've got a brain, a sense of humor, and self-awareness. You're already WAY ahead of 99% of America's youth.

wow, thanks a lot... that's very kind of you to say i hope to read many more posts from you! it's good to lurk awhile first though. i lurked the blue crack on and off since 2001.

So you've been alright with staying in state and living with your parents? Because I get along well with my parents too, and it's strange but ever since I got rejected from NYU I've kind of changed paths. I want to ultimately go to medical school and I'm looking forward to studying at IU for undegrad (majoring in cognitive science)... but i mean, a couple months ago I was absolutely certain (well, okay, mostly certain...) I wanted to go to New York and do the whole producer thing. so...I don't know. I guess this is why college kids are always changing their major. I haven't even started yet and I've already completely changed careers!

All I can say is that as much as it hurts, it WILL pass, and you WILL find someone. Toughing it out sucks, I know, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I sure hope so...I'm just paranoid I'll be alone forever... yet at the same time I know deep down that even if every other guy at my high school was interested in me (SO not the case, but my school is also 80% African American and I'm not...of course there's plenty of interracial dating but i'm not so much into the hip hop ghetto culture), I'd feel just as lonely because I really just want this one guy. so...I guess I just have to wait til I find someone better, or at least someone who can distract me. that's partially why I wanted to move away honestly, because I thought if I went way the hell away I'd be forced to get over it. instead I'll be about an hour away from where I am now. and I don't want to just not see him because we're good friends, so...it's complicated. but I've survived for two years so I guess I can for longer.

Originally posted by JanuaryStar
And, you're not bothering people with your problems. You're sharing, so please don't hold those emotions/thoughts inside whenever you talk to somebody... It's kind of weird me saying this, because I can totally relate to you, I'm the same in so many ways... But you have to try. You have to try to show people the real you, who you really are... Not the person who's always hiding. Just let that mask go, and show your thoughts

thanks I guess the irony is that my dad is the kind of person that keeps his feelings inside a lot, so i've kind of inherited that, and now i feel like i have to hide from him too. i dunno. maybe i should be open. it can just be hard. it's just easier to go "yeah, i'm fine" and pretend to smile instead of saying "no i'm depressed" and explaining everything...

Originally posted by Allanah
If you're ever feeling low, just throw on "Discotheque" and dance around your room like a moron. Works for me, anyway.

hellz yea, that's my jam right there. without discotheque i wouldnt be a U2 fan

 

[Allanah]

wow, thanks a lot... that's very kind of you to say i hope to read many more posts from you! it's good to lurk awhile first though. i lurked the blue crack on and off since 2001.

You're welcome!

So you've been alright with staying in state and living with your parents?

Absolutely. I hate that stigma that goes along with living with your parents once you're past age 18, though it seems to be less prevalent now. Sometimes it's the smartest thing to do. I go to Georgia State University, which is in downtown Atlanta. It's a commuter college, which was probably the best thing for me. Had I gone to the University of Georgia (which is in Athens, a major college/party town) and lived on campus, god knows what kind of trouble I'd have gotten myself into. At the very least, partying would have made my grades slip.

Oh, and speaking of which -- don't fear getting a B once you're in college. I was a straight-A student in high school and freaked out at the possibility of tarnishing my GPA. This is just a guess, but I'm willing to bet that you don't have to study much (or at all) to keep your grades up. I was like that in high school, and then got slapped back to reality in college. Heh. It wasn't that it was difficult, it was just a level of effort that I wasn't used to. Of course, that only applies to some classes -- "Legal Issues for Law Enforcement Personnel," I'm looking at you. Others are walks in the park. But yeah, do not fear the B. The B is your friend.

Because I get along well with my parents too, and it's strange but ever since I got rejected from NYU I've kind of changed paths. I want to ultimately go to medical school and I'm looking forward to studying at IU for undegrad (majoring in cognitive science)... but i mean, a couple months ago I was absolutely certain (well, okay, mostly certain...) I wanted to go to New York and do the whole producer thing. so...I don't know. I guess this is why college kids are always changing their major. I haven't even started yet and I've already completely changed careers!

Hee! You sound like me. My advice: just go in undeclared. I started out as a business major, then switched to journalism, contemplated economics, and finally settled on Criminal Justice. For the first few years, you'll still be getting your core curriculum out of the way anyways, so your major won't matter. You'll have plenty of time to think about it, and talk to other students (or your student advisor) about what kind of career path would be best for you. I suspect you'll do well no matter what you choose.

I sure hope so...I'm just paranoid I'll be alone forever... yet at the same time I know deep down that even if every other guy at my high school was interested in me (SO not the case, but my school is also 80% African American and I'm not...of course there's plenty of interracial dating but i'm not so much into the hip hop ghetto culture), I'd feel just as lonely because I really just want this one guy. so...I guess I just have to wait til I find someone better, or at least someone who can distract me. that's partially why I wanted to move away honestly, because I thought if I went way the hell away I'd be forced to get over it. instead I'll be about an hour away from where I am now. and I don't want to just not see him because we're good friends, so...it's complicated. but I've survived for two years so I guess I can for longer.

Every woman in the world hears you on this one (well, I can't relate on the type of high-school, unless going to one that's 95% spoiled rich white kids counts .) Sigh. Most of the guys I like are unavailable or just not interested. Or they turn out to be assholes. And then I'm never interested when a guy likes me. For the love of Bono, is it that difficult to have mutual sparks going on with somebody?

....and I'm ranting about me again. Sorry. Heh. But even moving an hour away can do you a world of good. Just put some distance between yourself and this guy.

hellz yea, that's my jam right there. without discotheque i wouldnt be a U2 fan

Boom-cha, baby.

 

[onebloodonelife]

So you've been alright with staying in state and living with your parents? Because I get along well with my parents too, and it's strange but ever since I got rejected from NYU I've kind of changed paths. I want to ultimately go to medical school and I'm looking forward to studying at IU for undegrad (majoring in cognitive science)... but i mean, a couple months ago I was absolutely certain (well, okay, mostly certain...) I wanted to go to New York and do the whole producer thing. so...I don't know. I guess this is why college kids are always changing their major. I haven't even started yet and I've already completely changed careers!

Medical school Don't feel bad for changing what you want to do, all through high school, I've been the "political" one, the one everyone expected to go into politics somehow. And, now that I've been taking college classes for the past semester and will be again this semester, I realized how much I love biology, the human body, and how amazing it would be to be a doctor. So, now, my plan is also to go to medical school and ultimately become a gastroenterologist. My family doesn't know yet, but most of my friends do, and when I told them, they were shocked. Anyway, my point is to do what you have a passion for, if it's medicine, great, if it's music, great, but study what you love.

I sure hope so...I'm just paranoid I'll be alone forever... yet at the same time I know deep down that even if every other guy at my high school was interested in me (SO not the case, but my school is also 80% African American and I'm not...of course there's plenty of interracial dating but i'm not so much into the hip hop ghetto culture)

Hey, no worries, my school is 90% rednecks and rich spoiled kids. I got to the point that I couldn't stand being in my school anymore and opted to take college classes my senior year. I only go back to the high school for Knowledge Bowl and when I need to speak to the guidance counselor.

 

[VertigoGal]

so I guess that's 3 of us who want to go to med school.

except I don't tell anyone that because I'm a high school sophomore and for some reason I think my family/friends wouldn't take it seriously or would think it's a stupid idea. It does seem kind of impossible.

anyway I'm sure I'll change my mind about a million times but it's good to have goals because it keeps me a little bit sane. which is hard in high school. but I'm starting to think whether it's medicine or something else I'm going to have to find something I want to do and at least try for it...because it's my life and I only get one. I sound like I've been attending motivational speaker seminars.

 

[AtomicBono]

Oh, and speaking of which -- don't fear getting a B once you're in college. I was a straight-A student in high school and freaked out at the possibility of tarnishing my GPA. This is just a guess, but I'm willing to bet that you don't have to study much (or at all) to keep your grades up. I was like that in high school, and then got slapped back to reality in college. Heh. It wasn't that it was difficult, it was just a level of effort that I wasn't used to.

thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. you've got me pinned. I pretty much do all my work but I rarely actually study. I usually study for a test the period before

Every woman in the world hears you on this one (well, I can't relate on the type of high-school, unless going to one that's 95% spoiled rich white kids counts .) Sigh. Most of the guys I like are unavailable or just not interested. Or they turn out to be assholes. And then I'm never interested when a guy likes me. For the love of Bono, is it that difficult to have mutual sparks going on with somebody?

for the love of Bono I've actually said that before... yea I feel the same. it's rare that a guy likes me but when he does I never do back...I always fall for the attached guys. I mean come on, freshman year I had a huge crush on my teacher! that lasted until i fell in love 4 realz. i've liked other guys since then but it's not the same. it's like comparing liking a new song on the radio to my love for U2. U2 has become a part of me and I feel like I've let this unrequited love become a part of me too. oh well.

oh, and had I not chosen to move to Indianapolis for high school, I would have been going to a school of 95% spoiled rich white kids I grew up in that kind of place so I know a little where you're coming from

onebloodonelife - nice to hear someone else understands! I'm just really fascinated with the human body. I was when I was a kid too. medical school just seems so interesting and it'd be great to be a doctor and be able to help people. my friend and i are going to see if we can sit in on an autopsy or something, or at least visit a morgue, to make sure we can handle medical school. and for my art class i'm doing a project where I draw people but you can see a part of their body - their skeleton, muscle, heart, veins, brain, kidneys, whatever.

music is my passion too though, and I've always loved it, though i didnt start playing guitar til 8th or 9th grade. i write my own songs and i'm interested in production and stuff... medicene is a more sure career though. i dunno. can i be a rock star doctor?

 

[AtomicBono]

so I guess that's 3 of us who want to go to med school.

except I don't tell anyone that because I'm a high school sophomore and for some reason I think my family/friends wouldn't take it seriously or would think it's a stupid idea. It does seem kind of impossible.

you too huh?

i know what you mean about people not taking it seriously, like i said, my dad doesn't think I'm serious because it came way outta left field. and I haven't even told most of my friends. but right now it's what i want, and there are people who support my decision.

if it's what you want, go for it. whether you've been attending motivational speaker seminars or not , you're absolutely right. what i'm trying to learn is to not live my life pleasing others. not that i'm not selfish, i think i am in a lot of ways, but i do also try to please others a lot, and when I don't and it's someone I care about a lot I feel terrible. like with my dad. but i know, logically, that I shouldn't have to feel constantly guilty about disappointing him when it's really my life, and I have to decide for myself what's best for me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is... go for your dreams. if i may ask, what makes it so impossible for you? the work load or the money or what?

 

[VertigoGal]

I dunno. I know I could handle the workload. I know it's expensive as hell but you earn it back...eventually. I know I'm smart enough but I don't feel like I am. I've wanted to be a doctor for a long time but eventually convinced myself I wasn't smart enough in a decision making kind of way. It's hard to explain I just kind of doubt myself when I shouln't. Anyway I'm going to be volunteering at a hospital starting next month and if I'm lucky I may even get within 50 feet of a real live specialist treating real live sick people so I'll just see how I like it.

Oh also my dad has this idea that doctors all work 17 hour days, have no families, get sued for every last cent, and drink themselves to death in the resulting depression.