meegannie
Blue Crack Addict
I have no self-esteem. I'm incredibly self conscious and so hyper-aware of everything I do that it prevents me from doing anything. I avoid people whenever possible because I feel inferior to absolutely everyone in every way. I'm embarrassed about my job, my home, my accent, my past, my education, everything. I'm envious of people who have or are things I don't even want or want to be. I try to be invisible and only speak when necessary, but I feel like I'm huge and loud and obvious. I feel like everyone hates me (I can't even walk to the bus station in the morning without feeling like strangers are staring at me because I'm hideously ugly or they think I'm an idiot) and if someone shows signs of liking me, I become suspicious that it's some sort of joke at my expense. When I'm convinced that it's not, I start to wonder what's wrong with them if they like me.
I have no solid sense of who I am, but feel like I'm everything at once. Everything about me is contradictory; I want to be the most and least everything. I love and hate nothing and everything. I'm always stuck in a corner of my mind, completely surrounded by myself, and I get stuck in these patterns where I drive myself crazy obsessing over one thing. Then the next day, I can't force myself to concentrate on it at all, and my mind wanders until it fixates on something else.
I know that it's all in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel this way and that I'm constantly on the defensive and ready for someone to randomly accost me. I feel completely unable to appreciate things I know logically that I should, and I know that even if I were a beautiful, talented genius and elected Supreme Ruler of the Universe, I'd feel the same way.
How do you like yourself when there's no you to like? Or there are so many co-existing, mutually exclusive yous that you love them and hate them all at the same time?
I have no solid sense of who I am, but feel like I'm everything at once. Everything about me is contradictory; I want to be the most and least everything. I love and hate nothing and everything. I'm always stuck in a corner of my mind, completely surrounded by myself, and I get stuck in these patterns where I drive myself crazy obsessing over one thing. Then the next day, I can't force myself to concentrate on it at all, and my mind wanders until it fixates on something else.
I know that it's all in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel this way and that I'm constantly on the defensive and ready for someone to randomly accost me. I feel completely unable to appreciate things I know logically that I should, and I know that even if I were a beautiful, talented genius and elected Supreme Ruler of the Universe, I'd feel the same way.
How do you like yourself when there's no you to like? Or there are so many co-existing, mutually exclusive yous that you love them and hate them all at the same time?