Kiki
New Yorker
alright....here's my confession. My heart is breaking in to a million pieces and I don't know how to fix it this time.
........reality check. Of course I know I that people with addictions and depression and bi-polar and all that stuff, will tend to lose control when they are off meds or what not.
At first I felt like it wasn't my fault at all he came off his meds. Yes I know, we don't have insurance, we couldnt afford it, and stupidly I really was thinking it had only been a month or so.....
yeah...turns out it's been more like 4 months he's been without his meds. You'd think I'd learned my lesson the last time, when he was suicidal and all that, and I had to get the police involved.
So of course I have to talk to his dad to ask for help, who had said all along he'd pay for the meds. I had to admit it was a pride issue on both our parts, we were paying off all our bills ahead of time and what not, but we just couldn't afford the $230 a month extra for the meds.
Yeah.....how stupid are we?
So now on top of the depression and the bi-polar crap showing through....his addictions back in swing, full force and worse than it was a year and a half ago.
So off to the counselor we go.
I fully expected to hear the worst come out, the abolute worse things ever. Instead we're each talked to alone.
When I'm talked to, I'm told that he was given three choices.
1. to come clean with me on absolutely everything, the entire who, what, where, when, etc.
2. if he's not ready and willing to honestly give this up once and for all, he needs to let me go, file for a divorce.
3. come clean with me on everything and work on taking control of his life again and putting the addiction away for good.
He was told not to decide for a few weeks. Then I was talked to and warned on if he does come clean, what my feelings would be and what emotions I'd go through.
Apparently he couldn't refrain from answering the counselor, even though the counselor really just wanted him to think about everything. The counselor told me he basically came out and said he'd walk on hot coals for me before he gave our marriage up.
I was told that if he becomes manipulative with the counseling then that will be the end of the counseling for him and at that point I'll be encouraged to leave him.
I went through so many emotions on Saturday. Being exhausted from fighting this for nearly 4 years. Being absolutely angry and wanting to walk away right then and there.
Then I started writing everything down in a journal. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to absolutely hurt him the way he's hurt me.
One problem.........I'm madly in love with him.
That's a pretty big problem if you ask me, if you're to give an ultimatum and stick to it, or if eventually this doesnt stop and you have to get out......how do you walk away from a marriage with someone you're so desperatly in love with?
It all starts with a beautiful ceremony, a glowing couple who is just swimming in their love for one another.
And it would end with a cold walk in to a court house....to sign a piece of paper declarring you un-wed? And a false sense of hate for one another?
I don't think I can do that, if things work out that way.....I really don't.
But I know deep down that I can't live my life with this dark shadow, knowing I could potentially really be harmed and my health put in danger.
I just pray to God that this time he really works at giving this up.......as the saying goes......All I want is you...Brian. All I want is you.
........reality check. Of course I know I that people with addictions and depression and bi-polar and all that stuff, will tend to lose control when they are off meds or what not.
At first I felt like it wasn't my fault at all he came off his meds. Yes I know, we don't have insurance, we couldnt afford it, and stupidly I really was thinking it had only been a month or so.....
yeah...turns out it's been more like 4 months he's been without his meds. You'd think I'd learned my lesson the last time, when he was suicidal and all that, and I had to get the police involved.
So of course I have to talk to his dad to ask for help, who had said all along he'd pay for the meds. I had to admit it was a pride issue on both our parts, we were paying off all our bills ahead of time and what not, but we just couldn't afford the $230 a month extra for the meds.
Yeah.....how stupid are we?
So now on top of the depression and the bi-polar crap showing through....his addictions back in swing, full force and worse than it was a year and a half ago.
So off to the counselor we go.
I fully expected to hear the worst come out, the abolute worse things ever. Instead we're each talked to alone.
When I'm talked to, I'm told that he was given three choices.
1. to come clean with me on absolutely everything, the entire who, what, where, when, etc.
2. if he's not ready and willing to honestly give this up once and for all, he needs to let me go, file for a divorce.
3. come clean with me on everything and work on taking control of his life again and putting the addiction away for good.
He was told not to decide for a few weeks. Then I was talked to and warned on if he does come clean, what my feelings would be and what emotions I'd go through.
Apparently he couldn't refrain from answering the counselor, even though the counselor really just wanted him to think about everything. The counselor told me he basically came out and said he'd walk on hot coals for me before he gave our marriage up.
I was told that if he becomes manipulative with the counseling then that will be the end of the counseling for him and at that point I'll be encouraged to leave him.
I went through so many emotions on Saturday. Being exhausted from fighting this for nearly 4 years. Being absolutely angry and wanting to walk away right then and there.
Then I started writing everything down in a journal. I wanted to hate him. I wanted to absolutely hurt him the way he's hurt me.
One problem.........I'm madly in love with him.
That's a pretty big problem if you ask me, if you're to give an ultimatum and stick to it, or if eventually this doesnt stop and you have to get out......how do you walk away from a marriage with someone you're so desperatly in love with?
It all starts with a beautiful ceremony, a glowing couple who is just swimming in their love for one another.
And it would end with a cold walk in to a court house....to sign a piece of paper declarring you un-wed? And a false sense of hate for one another?
I don't think I can do that, if things work out that way.....I really don't.
But I know deep down that I can't live my life with this dark shadow, knowing I could potentially really be harmed and my health put in danger.
I just pray to God that this time he really works at giving this up.......as the saying goes......All I want is you...Brian. All I want is you.
