I can't live like this

[Achtung_Bebe]

My typical weekend goes like this: I work one day, stumble in at 3-4 am the next coming up with a horrible lie to tell my parents. Well they've had enough, and I have too.

I just can't go on living like this... living in a lie. Going out, getting drunk off my ass, then repeatedly getting used. I don't know where to begin picking up the pieces. I haven't always been this way. I almost figure "why bother?" because I feel like a worthless piece of shit--that is exactly how I'm treated.

I need to find a new crowd, because this is causing some serious self destruction on my part and I can't bear to stay in this feeling of worthlessness any longer.

Has anyone else gone through a phase in their life that they were not proud of whatsoever and felt this way? It's funny... I surround myself with all of my "friends" on the weekends, yet I have never felt so alone.

 

[Lilly]

Originally posted by Achtung_Bebe:

Has anyone else gone through a phase in their life that they were not proud of whatsoever and felt this way? It's funny... I surround myself with all of my "friends" on the weekends, yet I have never felt so alone.

{{{{{{{Achtung_Bebe}}}}}}}}}

That's really odd that you bring that up. I'm sorta in the same rut (more sober and coming in at midnight (curfew!) though). I've just been branching out, hanging around with friends I haven't been with for a while. It's really healthy (and so much fun too). I've also met new friends be it via interference or just going out to random cities and befriending the locals. (Hey, have a befriending the locals night, those are great.) I don't really know what to say to you though...yea, you do seem to need new friends if they don't make you feel valuable. You are important though, and don't ever forget that. Ok?

{{{{{{{{{{Achtung_Bebe}}}}}}}}}}} <- In case you need two.

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Proud owner, maker and baker of THE U2 cookies.

 

[BabyGrace]

Jen, I have a friend going through exactly the same thing right now; I'm watching all her self-esteem disingtegrate right in front of my eyes. you are such a kind, intelligent, sweet person from what I have seen around here. Nobody has any right to treat you like a piece of shit, and I'm glad you realize that

please e-mail me sis, honestly I don't know if I can help but I know exactly what you're feeling and going through. I dont really want to write about it all here, but if you want to talk, I'm always here. Hang in there, you're going to be alright

ZooFlyersU2@aol.com
thats my screenname on AIM too

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You make yourself vulnerable to change in your life. But in the end, you've got to become the change you want to see in the world.
-the B-man

 

[bullet the blue sky]

You need to get a haircut.

Now, I'm not being flippant, but for gradual reclamation of your self-pride, you need to start with the little things. A new little thing each week adds up to a new you eventually.

So what I suggest you do is get a haircut, get a new item of clothing and a new pair of shoes. Then visit somewhere new you haven't been before, or haven't been in a long while.

Trust me. You will be surprised.

 

[Sicy]

(( Bebe ))

I went though a similar period a few years back. Basically I ended up changing jobs/hours and moving into my own place and feeling a lot better about myself.

You're not worthless Bebe.. you're incredibly smart. I dont want to sound stereotypical but it sounds like its just a phase and its not uncommon for people your age. Try setting yourself some goals and just go for it.. I know you can.

And you know where I am if you ever want to talk.

 

[Zoomerang96]

its funny how people make drinking look to be the sexiest thing ever. particularly young people. i have never fully understood or even comprehended the "fascinating" aspects of losing control of your senses and making regretable mistakes because of it.

bebe, i know ya a bit, as does everyone else here who spends WAY too much time here, and everyone will agree your a beautiful little lightbulb. i know it can be tough to stand up to your dumbass friends, but if you dont do it now, you might run into trouble down the road, or even sooner.

just last night at the bar i was at, a whole bunch of my friends were there and everyone was drinking, naturally. sure ive often had some, and a bit more than a little at times too, but lately i dunno for how long, maybe the new year (who cares, why am i rambling) i dont even buy one. ill take a bottle of water anytime. i drink it proudly too. it also helps that i drink it completely rediculously, pouring it on my pants near my crotch, on my armpits to make me look like i have pit stains and wherever else. but you know what. the bottom line is im sick of superficialiaty and so i completely fuck that trend in the ass and let it go crawling home with its tail between its legs. i will not bow down and do something i dont want too.

how does this help ya by me telling you this? maybe its just a little inspiration, i dunno. i dont know really know what im talking about anymore, if i ever did, all i hope is that you can deal with this constructively and find some people that dont need to get drunk every weekend.

more often than not id rather lick the toilet seat at a train station.

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-deathbear

 

[A|catura]

Well Bebe, I know if I say that I've been there, it won't help much. Sometimes people try to convince us that everything will pass and the best is yet to come, but it's hard to believe that when you're the one living in the moment. Words seem cheap at times. But I can honestly say that alot of people here care very deeply about you. Lean on their words of encouragement. When someone offers to listen, they're not just trying to be polite. Take advantage of those offers.

You're willingness to speak about these feelings and show you're vulnerabilities is absolutely incredible. That means that you have alot of faith and trust in everyone here. How can we not want to reach out and help you when you've just given us such an awesome compliment. A few months back, I was going through a very difficult time and you gave some words of encouragement. It was extremely encouraging because I knew your words were authentic. You're a very kind and sweet person. I never had the chance to thank you. Thank you very much for that, I'll never forget it.

Unless I've walked a mile in your shoes, it would probably be pointless for me to throw around all kinds of advice and inspirational phrases. But beyond anything else, you need to know that there are alot of compassionate friends here that are more than willing to walk through the fire with you. Unfortunately, I don't know you as well as everyone else, but I know for a fact that I'm speaking for each of them that do.

The friends that are hurting you are obviously people who have absolutely no respect for themselves. They're trying desperately to suppress their insecurities and low self esteem at any cost. When someone is self destructive and has no respect for themselves, then you know it's impossible for them to treat you with any respect. In other words, you feel lonely and used because you're hanging out with people who are incapable of reaching out beyond themselves. It's not your fault. Don't let it be a reflection of yourself, because it's not.

I wish there was more I could do, but like I said, there are many friends here that are more than willing to listen and support you. Draw strength from all of them. This is your time. I know you have some close friends here, but if I can help in any way, please feel free to contact me at Alcatura@go.com

Take care of yourself


--------

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle

 

[brettig]

Originally posted by Zoomerang96:
its funny how people make drinking look to be the sexiest thing ever. particularly young people. i have never fully understood or even comprehended the "fascinating" aspects of losing control of your senses and making regretable mistakes because of it.

the bottom line is im sick of superficialiaty and so i completely fuck that trend in the ass and let it go crawling home with its tail between its legs. i will not bow down and do something i dont want too.

bear, thats a great post, and i 2nd everything u said, cept for the armpit/crotch stuff(!)

Bebe, i know you well enuff to know u dont need to hang with this group. Be honest with them, tell em where to go if they keep at you to get wasted every week. I agree with bullet, try to break out of the routine with a few small things at 1st. Maybe it might also be good to negotiate the cutting back of your work hours a little, as youve given the cafe good service now im sure theyll be receptive if youre honest with them.

Im sure youll get thru this in time, ill be prayin for ya...

 

[christiana]

Bebe, I didn't have this kind of experience so I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better. But anyway...

(((((((((((((((((Bebe)))))))))))))))))

Maybe a little change in your life style will help a little bit. Go for a hike or whatever you'll feel comfortable...

You're a great person bebe, please don't give up on yourself! We're always here to listen.

 

[z edge]

Bebe i can honestly say I have a little bit of experience like yours. In Korea I was literaly stuck into a cycle of drinking every single night with my friends and living it up! After 9 months of torturing my body with this routine, I quit my job (I was a civilian this time around) and flew back here for a fresh start.

It was so bad that I was drinking in the airport prior to my 12 hour flight just to feel "normal"

I occasionally have a few on the weekends now, but not on worknights and I try not to let it become my routine or do it for lack of anything better.

Some great suggestions were offered above, and one I liked was to go and see new places and meet new people. This can fill whatever void might be left if you were to find different friends and different activities.

Whether or not you distance yourself from these friends of yours completely is up to you given the circumstances you are in. You could always socialize with them but as Deathbear said choose to "not drink".

I'll will give you one example from my own personal experience. Last night I went over to my neighbors' house and got lit up like the moon, then came back here and posted quite a bit of stuff while I was still zooted. I also posted on here the night before last when I was quite tipsy as well. Tonight, they are throwing another party and suprised when I declined to go. I had some other friends that I don't hang out with very often ask me to go out tonight and I told them next weekend maybe.

The truth is that I am staying sober on a saturday night and saving my $$$ while giving my body a break from 2 nights of thrashing the booze. It is very tempting, but I feel I owe it to myself to practice self control.

I am sorry to ramble about myself so much here, but you met me in "my element" and saw how alcohol affects people firsthand that night in austin.

If you will remember there was a little "spot of bother" involving me and some guys in the other side of the bar. It could have gotten real ugly, but the common denominator amongst all involved was alcohol

And if you remember talking to me the next day in line for the show, I felt like complete crap and worthless and wanted to go lay down in a corner and die

Anyway, you are a very sweet and beautiful person and if people are using you then they are excersizing clouded judgement at best, if not just being complete idiots.

I applaud you for having the sense to recognize the problem or situation for what it is, and open up about it instead of letting it consume you even more.

As long as you use this sense, and follow it to the source you will find peace of mind and rejuvinated self respect.

You will be fine BeBe, so keep your chin up and persevere

 

[popkidu2]

Bebe,

I had a similar experiance when I was 19-20. I ended up failing out of college. It took me another 5 years to figure out this little gem (which I'm still learning as I go

)

*drinking is not a problem. drinking is a solution to a problemm, one that you do not want to think about.*

In my honest opinion, find someone to talk to, and start being honest with yourself. I know everyone here means well, and I think what has been said is positive, but this is not the right place to figure this stuff out. Seriously. Face to face interaction with another human being has an impact that words on a screen just cannot convey. I'm not saying drink or not drink, be with your friends or find new ones, all I am saying is, find someone who will be real with you, will listen to you and allow you to see yourself for who you really are. Then, and only then, will you find the answers.

I wish you all the best. If you have any questions about what I've said, you can always email me at nswogger@aol.com.

 

[bonovista]

Zoomie couldn't have said it better.

 

[zooropamanda]

Jen, I know we've already talked about this recently, but you know where am if u still want to talk, babe.
Listen to these people, they are right!

 

[U2girl]

If anyone's a piece of shit, it's people who make others feel worthless.

It's not your fault they act like that, so don't torment yourself like that. Seeing the problem at hand and realising what you need to do is a good place to start.
You're one of the best/kindest/warmest... people around here IMHO.

Deathbear: i agree. I never understood the "greatness" of getting drunk out of your mind either.

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- be uncool, yes be awkward

[This message has been edited by U2girl (edited 03-10-2002).]

 

[Salome]

Originally posted by Sicy:
I dont want to sound stereotypical but it sounds like its just a phase and its not uncommon for people your age. Try setting yourself some goals and just go for it.. I know you can.

I don't like quoting others in threads like this one, but this is what I wanted to say

I know it sounds easier then it is, but try to aim for something you're passionate about wanting to achieve (+ aim high!) and go for it

 

[The Wanderer]

I like to have a drink or two myself, but I physically and mentally cannot do it on a consistent basis nor to any kind of extreme... and similarly to a few other stories in here, I did at one time indulge a bit too much and luckily came to my senses very quickly... you'll get past this, just hang in there and try not to do anything irreparable, the good news is you realize it's a problem

I've been posting at interference for well over a year and a half, I don't know you personally other than the thousands of threads I've seen you post in, but my impression of you has always been that you are bright, talented, passionate and basically just an incredibly good soul. I'm not sure that this helps in any way, but just look around and realize that I am not alone here in thinking this about you

take care, Jen

 

[bono_man]

I think what you will fine AB is that many people feel similar to you. You are by no means alone!

Not long ago I had similar feelings of self destruction. I did lots of drinking, taking recreational drugs, etc. It seems to take you to a really low point then things start to turn around and look up. Now things are grand but I am glad I went through that time too, it has made me a stronger person just getting through it.

Feel free to email me if you need me to lend an ear

jonedwards80@hotmail.com

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"we're free to fly the crimson sky...the sun won't melt our wings tonight..."

 

[EdgeVox]

whoah.....hey jen email me or call me...seeing how you're schedules all over the place...

 

[zoomerang II]

I find the answers to all of my problems are in music, and the lyrics are the key to the soul.

Anyway, there is a little song by a little band i know called The Waifs, it's called "Brain Damage" it was written about a guy in your situation when he was about 20.

I'm going out to damage my brain
you wont come - you say you're staying at home
its no shame, night and day we see each other anyway
we've got to move, we've got to get away
It's a long cold night but there's a better day
wouldn't you say, correct me if i'm wrong
we've got all the good reasons for time on our own...

you see me all of the time
hey... babe throw me a line

It's him and its her its this and its that
i feel my tyres going flat
Theres no get up and go for gettin it on
we got all the good reasons for time on our own...

Your time is coming and in your own way you will move and grow from where you are. We all do things we don't like or regret, however when we can acknowledge it, i guess it just makes us appreciate those people and things in our life which make us who we are even more.

 

[V Nura]

well said zoom