Feeling left behind.

[FitzChivalry]

This past weekend was hard for me.

First off, work has been really busy and I've worked late nights and 6 days each week for the past few weeks. So Sunday was my only day off. But family committments had me up early Sunday and then one of my best friend's birthday dinners Sunday evening.

So, I have my group of really close friends. I'm gay, but they are all straight, married and have kids, and I'm Uncle Ethan. Well, one set of my friends, the "M" family is moving to Portland, OR in less than 2 weeks. So our friend's birthday dinner on Sunday was the last time they were going to see most of our big group of friends. Needless to say, it was very emotional and draining . . . . and I didn't have much reserves in the first place. There were lots and lots of tears and I just felt so drained afterward.

To top it all off, the night before, I was haging out with the birthday boy, his wife (my best friend) and my 3 year-old "nephew". I call him my nephew and everyone calls me his Uncle. So we're just haging out eating pizza, and they drop this bomb on me that if everything works out right, they'll be moving to Seattle, WA at the end of September!

Now the "M" family moving to Portland is one thing. That was hard enough. But my BEST friends in the whole world AND my nephew!!!

I just feel so alone right now. I'm single and have been for a long time. I have a job, and it's just ok, but I don't absolutely love it. And now my biggest support person/family may be moving away. I cried Saturday night, on Sunday before the dinner and this morning on the way to work I had tears in my eyes.

I want my friends and nephew to be happy. And they have very good reasons for wanting to move. And all I really care about is that they're happy. And if moving to Seattle will make them happy, then great. But I just feel such a sense of loss and "lost".

They told me I'm moving to Seattle with them. They just stated it matter-of-factly. But I don't have a license to practice law in Washington, and the thought of taking another Bar Exam just makes me want to bury myself alive! Plus, in my heart of hearts, I know I can't pick up my whole life and move for them, no matter how much it's going to kill me to see them go.

I live in very conservative, not very gay-friendly Orange County, California. I'm in a job I don't love, and I'm lonley. And without my biggest source of comfort, well . . . . . it's just going to suck.

I know this may be the perfect time for me to examine my life and make some changes, but for this weekend . . . . . I'm so physically and emotionally drained, I just want to go home, crawl under the covers and not wake up until Friday!

 

[Lancemc]

 

[JCOSTER]

Sorry, your going through such a rough time. I know if my niece moved away I would be devastated so don't think your crazy for feeling that way.
Maybe this is an opportunity to get out of something you really don't like.

I'll be your friend and if you need to talk

 

[redkat]

sorry Fitz

there are some pretty friendly people in OC on this very board. I'm sure that's little consolation. Losing friends sucks, extending your network of friends might be a good way to cushion the blow.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

You're so sweet, I can't imagine that a bunch of new people wouldn't be lining up to be your friends

I think you can get through it, it will be tough but you can. You never know how random events can conspire to change your life for the better even when it looks like it's nothing but bad.

Maybe you could join some sort of local activity club, some sort of hobby you enjoy-something like that.

 

[FitzChivalry]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

It just feels like maybe this year may end up being the year of change for me.

Redkat is actually right in that I mis-stated Orange County's gay friendliness. I've actually never really had a problem with homophobia in Orange County, rather, I meant to convey that Orange County is predominantly comprised of familes. It's basically suburbia defined.

So not that OC isn't gay friendly, but rather, there's not much of a gay community here.

So maybe it's time I examine my life, figure out my goals and what I want my life to be. And maybe that will have to entail a move to, perhaps, a "Gaytropolis" like West Hollywood or San Francisco (places where I can still practice law with my CA license).

All except one pair of my friends that are coupled or married are heterosexual. I only have 2 gay friends who are a couple. All my other gay friends are single like me. I'd hate to think that I have to live the rest of my life single just because I'm gay. So maybe if I want what everyone else has, then I have to go where the boys are.

You work really hard to get through school and get a career, and then you rest and coast a bit and life gets comfortable and predictable, and then events come along and shake things up . . . . . and I guess I just feel upside-down and disoriented.

My sister has 3 more years of high-school and then she will be off to college. I'd like to stick around and be close by at least for her high school years. After that, I'll have done all I can and the rest will be up to her.

Wow. Life. Crazy and strange.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Awwwww Im so sorry Fitz If I lived near you I would hang out with you in a heartbeat .

One of my absolute closest friends moved away from me last June. Remember just crying so much when he left because I knew we wouldn't see each other much. Hang in there I hope everything brightens up for you soon

 

[Mr. Green Eyes]

First off, I'm sorry to hear about your friends moving. Don't forget that you can always call them and maybe visit once and a while. Secondly, that is very nice what you are doing for your sister, staying until she is finished with high school. Thirdly, you will find your perfect guy, he is out there waiting for someone like you to find him. Lastly, at lease you are comfortable about being gay, I still have to come out to my family, and at the rack that I'm going, it seems like it may still be a while. Never forget that, to quote Augusten Burroughs memoir, Dry, that "you are somebody" and your friends and family all love you.