Am I impolite?

[Liesje]

...I absolutely DETEST small talk.

The thing is, my boyfriend is the type of person who's friendly and outgoing. He knows EVERYONE and is always talking to people. Tonight we went to see a movie and he found 2-3 groups of people he knew just in our theater. Then we made a quick stop at the store because I was out of shampoo and he found two other groups of people to talk to. I'm not mad at him for being so nice, but seriously we can't go ANYWHERE w/o meeting less than 20 people he knows. I said "you and your small talk..." and he said "I can't help it, when you live in the dorms you meet everyone." Funny, 'cus I lived in the dorms and made a point of making myself as invisble as possible. I'm not anti-social, I just hate having fake friends, like people you see maybe once every few months. I don't need to get to know EVERYONE in my dorms or in each class. Sometimes we'll be leaving for somewhere and he gets stopped by 3-4 different sets of people who want to chat and I seriously start walking away. I don't know these people, I honestly don't care to know these people....am I rude? I mean, I smile and let him introduce me, but I'm just not the type of person that has to be popular and chatty with everyone. I have as many good friends as I feel I need and don't mind going to classes and never meeting more people than the two that sit next to me. I guess it's the best example of how different my bf and I are. I hate talking on the phone. I don't have a cell phone. My best friends who go to the same school as me all live w/ me so if I feel "chatty", we can actually sit together and hang out instead of standing in a circle in some mall or store, pretending to care about what so-and-so's been up to since we last saw each other. Usually I'm fine b/c I stick to myself or with my friends, but honestly sometimes I can't go out w/ my bf and have any time for US to talk.

 

[u2valleygirl]

Some people are introverts and some are extroverts. Everyone is different. Either it is tolerable to you or it's not. You can't change him. You can either live with it and accept it. Or not. If you don't accept it, you are not rude you just have a different outlook. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Liesje]

Yeah, I mean, what he does is his business and that's not what bothers me, I just could NEVER be like that is all.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I'm not all that fond of small talk and the like myself. Because of that, a lot of the times I'm labeled as stuck up, but sometimes I will engage in it.

 

[meegannie]

I'm just BAD at small talk...or any kind of talk for that matter! I can never think of anything to say to people face-to-face, on the phone, or even online (which probably explains why I have no friends ). I've always been really introverted and have gotten called stuck up, arrogant, intimidating, etc. because of it. In college I had to force myself to be more outgoing because I was really involved in local/state politics and president/vice president/secretary of loads of societies. It was SO exhausting and draining to keep it up, though, and I eventually reverted back to being incredibly shy. I would love to be able to be at least a little more outgoing again, but I just can't speak to people anymore (not that I have many opportunities to since I don't see/speak to anyone apart from my husband).

 

[ShellBeThere]

yeah, what u2valleygirl said!
I love smalltalk myself, never actually think of it as 'small', and the bf might resent it being refered to as such. It's conversation is all, and he might get very charged on it, while you need something different. tricky maybe to reconcile the two approaches though...

 

[Mr. BAW]

You know, I don't know how BAW would answer this question but in life, this world is quite small..I mean, I can literally go anywhere here in So. CA and possibly run into somebody I know...With BAW in tow, I've seen old friends at airports, shopping centers, baseball games, in town and out of town...and if you don't say hello, well, its just not right...I admit that I won't go into a 20 minute conversation but nice a cordial exchange and "how wonderful it is to see you" whether you mean it or not seems warranted no matter how long its been since you've talked....anyway, that's just me....BAW will let you know along with some of you who have met with me that I LOVE TO TALK....

 

[Liesje]

yeah, what u2valleygirl said!
I love smalltalk myself, never actually think of it as 'small', and the bf might resent it being refered to as such. It's conversation is all, and he might get very charged on it, while you need something different. tricky maybe to reconcile the two approaches though...

No no, I'm not saying it's a problem in our relationship, I'm just saying I don't understand why he and the people he knows feel obligated to drop everything and stand there awkwardly and talk when everyone knows they're just trying to be polite and wouldn't miss each other if they never saw each other again. When I see people I know but don't hang out with, I just say hi and wave and that feels like enough to me. Am I weird for not trying to get to know everyone? I don't push people away or act rude, I just choose to only really get to know people I actually care about. Sometimes I do get sick of it though, especially when we're on the way out and maybe have to be somewhere at a certain time and get stopped every 10 feet. I usually stand there and smile thinking about how much I hate being fake around these people I don't know. If I'm already in a bad mood I'll end up feeling like I'm some kind of accessory being shown off and introduced to all these people who don't really care about me and I don't really care about them. I'm not shy and I'm not introverted, especially not w/ my friends! With them I am loud and crazy and probably annoying at times. I dunno, I guess it's hard to explain, but sometimes the small talk feels like nails on a chalkboard.

 

[Mr. BAW]

I would hope he would at least introduce you when he see's someone he knows.. and no, I don't believe your rude, you just see these passings differently than your B/F...

 

[BAW]

Okay, Mr. BAW put in his 2 cents, now its my turn

Its REALLY hard at times to be an introvert when your spouse/bf/gf is an extrovert who LOVES to talk. Not just to friends but to the grocery clerk, the woman in line at the movies, the person next to him on an airplane, servers in a restaurant, random strangers in a parking lot, etc.

To compound the situation, he knows SO many people, we run into someone he knows almost everywhere we go. We even see people he knows on TV!

I on the other hand, am happy with a quick "hi, how are you" and I'm on my way. I'm not comfortable making small talk unless its a planned social gathering or get-together. When I run into a friend at the gym or the grocery store, the last thing I want to do is stand there for 20 minutes chit-chatting and I will avoid it all costs if possible. I just don't see the point in it.

Its not a problem in our relationship and I normally don't get mad or upset about it because I married him this way and I can't ask him to suddenly be unfriendly LOL! Its just one of those things you learn to live with. In a way I'm kind of glad he's not anti-social like me because it kind of balances things out.

 

[Phalanx]

I'll be honest and say that I'm not much different. I don't go out of my way to meet people and I don't feel the need to have trivial relationships so I can have vapid conversations. I feel like I am insulting my intelligence by doing so.

That said, I don't think you're being impolite, although that's my perspective on things, which isn't much different than yours. Can you be more warm to people? Maybe. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like - you never know when you might need some of these people. But don't force yourself either - I'Ve done that in the past and it isn't healthy. You won't be very patient with them.

 

[BostonAnne]

Aww to the BAW family! You both complement each other nicely!

I'm more of the type that doesn't do well with small talk. I tend to like conversations that are more personal. I rarely join in, but don't mind watching other people converse.

 

[Mr. BAW]

Okay, Mr. BAW put in his 2 cents, now its my turn

Its REALLY hard at times to be an introvert when your spouse/bf/gf is an extrovert who LOVES to talk. Not just to friends but to the grocery clerk, the woman in line at the movies, the person next to him on an airplane, servers in a restaurant, random strangers in a parking lot, etc.

To compound the situation, he knows SO many people, we run into someone he knows almost everywhere we go. We even see people he knows on TV!

I on the other hand, am happy with a quick "hi, how are you" and I'm on my way. I'm not comfortable making small talk unless its a planned social gathering or get-together. When I run into a friend at the gym or the grocery store, the last thing I want to do is stand there for 20 minutes chit-chatting and I will avoid it all costs if possible. I just don't see the point in it.

Its not a problem in our relationship and I normally don't get mad or upset about it because I married him this way and I can't ask him to suddenly be unfriendly LOL! Its just one of those things you learn to live with. In a way I'm kind of glad he's not anti-social like me because it kind of balances things out.

I would guess that our friends know that about us...most of them tend to drift toward me during any accident meeting!!!

 

[celia]

I'm not very good at small talk at all, I think I have a short attention span for one, I can be shy at times and I'm just really bad at thinking of things to say, It amazes me how people can talk non stop about absolutely nothing.

Sometimes I wish I could talk more easily with people, espeiclly new people that I meet cos I think that some people see me as a little akward but do realise I can be shy at times.

But Yeah we are all different. If we were all extroverts then everyone would be shouting and talking over each other lol.

 

[Schmeg]

I'm just BAD at small talk...or any kind of talk for that matter! I can never think of anything to say to people face-to-face, on the phone, or even online (which probably explains why I have no friends ). I've always been really introverted and have gotten called stuck up, arrogant, intimidating, etc. because of it.

Same here, up to and including the lack of friends!

I don't like being the center of attention so when I have to make small talk I will ask someone tons of questions so I appear friendly and interested...which I think I am anyway. It keeps the conversation going and it keeps them from asking me tons of questions.

I am really bad at talking on the phone. Half of my conversation is facial expressions and arm gestures...the phone eliminates all of that and I don't know how to make up for it. I will avoid making phone calls at all costs, and I usually call people when I know they won't answer their phones so I can just leave a quick message.

 

[TheBrazilianFly]

You’re not impolite, you're exactly like me but I actually am antisocial. I don't like to bullshit or be “bullshited” and that's what small talk is to me. Pure bullshit. It ain't for me, people however have a tendency to think that people who act like that are impolite or whatever. It's a long road to personal recognition of who you are but once you get there people love ya for who you are! Am I getting off topic? Anyway I don’t know what else to say except that you’re not impolite!

 

[ShellBeThere]

No no, I'm not saying it's a problem in our relationship, I'm just saying I don't understand why he and the people he knows feel obligated to drop everything and stand there awkwardly and talk when everyone knows they're just trying to be polite and wouldn't miss each other if they never saw each other again. When I see people I know but don't hang out with, I just say hi and wave and that feels like enough to me. Am I weird for not trying to get to know everyone? I don't push people away or act rude, I just choose to only really get to know people I actually care about. Sometimes I do get sick of it though, especially when we're on the way out and maybe have to be somewhere at a certain time and get stopped every 10 feet. I usually stand there and smile thinking about how much I hate being fake around these people I don't know. If I'm already in a bad mood I'll end up feeling like I'm some kind of accessory being shown off and introduced to all these people who don't really care about me and I don't really care about them. I'm not shy and I'm not introverted, especially not w/ my friends! With them I am loud and crazy and probably annoying at times. I dunno, I guess it's hard to explain, but sometimes the small talk feels like nails on a chalkboard.

Oh, yes, then I agree completely that it's not impolite to want to make those interactions short ones! Life itself is too short for getting stopped every 10 feet!
sorry for misunderstanding you

 

[-macphisto-]

I like the lyric from the song "GRACE" "she's got the time to talk"
You dont have to have a small conversation with someone, but you should always recognise the person you know, and at least say hi. Of course it would be impolite to just ignore the person you know, and walk off.

 

[ShellBeThere]

ooh, now I feel like I didn't say quite what I wanted to before...
I didn't actually read all the dense text livluv put out there
Feeling like an accessory must stink, feeling awkward must stink, but that's coming from my perspective of truly loving to connect with people, even on things that seem mundane. I keep hearing the line from the muppet movie my hubby likes...people's people...very silly. I wouldn't want to feel like an accessory, and if your b/f treats you that way, instead of trying to have a conversation that includes you too, then perhaps there is a problem in the relationship?
Have you spoken to him about your feelings? I'm sorry for being ignorant here, not having time to read upthread much, but that might be a good thing to do...beyond "you and your small talk", maybe something like "can you involve me in these discussions too?". Otherwise, what is he discussing with the folks he meets that would make you miss appointments? feeling like you have to be 'fake' must be no fun, I'd surely want to avoid that. Does he feel like he's being 'fake'? anyway, there really is something to this extrovert/introvert thing I believe, and I wonder about it as a big issue in relationships. Introverts truly need a lot of alone time and find socializing hard and unpleasant, while extroverts get charged by chatting, so hmmmmm how would *that* combo work in action?!

I think I'm skulking out again now before I say something else I'm not happy with afterwards...

cheers all!

 

[bonosloveslave]

Okay, Mr. BAW put in his 2 cents, now its my turn

Its REALLY hard at times to be an introvert when your spouse/bf/gf is an extrovert who LOVES to talk. Not just to friends but to the grocery clerk, the woman in line at the movies, the person next to him on an airplane, servers in a restaurant, random strangers in a parking lot, etc.

To compound the situation, he knows SO many people, we run into someone he knows almost everywhere we go. We even see people he knows on TV!

I on the other hand, am happy with a quick "hi, how are you" and I'm on my way. I'm not comfortable making small talk unless its a planned social gathering or get-together. When I run into a friend at the gym or the grocery store, the last thing I want to do is stand there for 20 minutes chit-chatting and I will avoid it all costs if possible. I just don't see the point in it.

Its not a problem in our relationship and I normally don't get mad or upset about it because I married him this way and I can't ask him to suddenly be unfriendly LOL! Its just one of those things you learn to live with. In a way I'm kind of glad he's not anti-social like me because it kind of balances things out.

I feel ya sister

 

[Liesje]

I like the lyric from the song "GRACE" "she's got the time to talk"
You dont have to have a small conversation with someone, but you should always recognise the person you know, and at least say hi. Of course it would be impolite to just ignore the person you know, and walk off.

The thing is, I don't know ANY of these people and never will, I just have a bf who knows EVERYONE.

 

[Liesje]

ooh, now I feel like I didn't say quite what I wanted to before...
I didn't actually read all the dense text livluv put out there
Feeling like an accessory must stink, feeling awkward must stink, but that's coming from my perspective of truly loving to connect with people, even on things that seem mundane. I keep hearing the line from the muppet movie my hubby likes...people's people...very silly. I wouldn't want to feel like an accessory, and if your b/f treats you that way, instead of trying to have a conversation that includes you too, then perhaps there is a problem in the relationship?
Have you spoken to him about your feelings? I'm sorry for being ignorant here, not having time to read upthread much, but that might be a good thing to do...beyond "you and your small talk", maybe something like "can you involve me in these discussions too?". Otherwise, what is he discussing with the folks he meets that would make you miss appointments? feeling like you have to be 'fake' must be no fun, I'd surely want to avoid that. Does he feel like he's being 'fake'? anyway, there really is something to this extrovert/introvert thing I believe, and I wonder about it as a big issue in relationships. Introverts truly need a lot of alone time and find socializing hard and unpleasant, while extroverts get charged by chatting, so hmmmmm how would *that* combo work in action?!

Oh yeah, we talk about it. He knows perfectly well I despise the fact we couldn't walk from the dorm lobby to the car without having to chat for 15 minutes. He's always saying "sorry, sorry!" hehe. I feel bad b/c he can't just blow people off, but they're ALL people HE knows. I don't know if he feels "fake" or not. He has mentioned to be before that sometimes he feels like he has no real friends, just tons and tons of acquaintances, I guess you'd call them. Like I said before, this is not really an issue in our relationship, I just had to vent b/c we had gone out to a movie and chatted with like 20 people he knew, while I saw a friend from work and did nothing more than wave and say hi. I guess it was more of an observation. I don't expect him to change, I just get sick of having share a date night with 20 other people I've never met before. And really, I don't think I'm an introvert in the way you're thinking. I don't avoid socialization or find it awkward or unpleasant. I just prefer to socialize with people I care about rather than try to be as popular as possible, standing around chatting with people I've never met before and won't ever meet again.

 

[Diemen]

I don't like small talk. At all. And that is largely the result of having to be subject to my mom engaging in small talk with people she knows. After church, at the store, wherever - my mom can turn a passing moment into an agonizingly long conversation - I'm talking a half hour easily. It's unnerving.

I can relate to the cellphone thing, livluv. I have one, but really use it just to have a source of communication when I'm away from home (I do small road trips pretty often). The height of cellphone stupidity (I was in college I saw this more than once): two girls - usually sorority girls wearing the same shirts and the same jeans and the same shoes and the same baseball hats - walking to class together, both on their cellphones talking. Why even walk together if you're going to ignore them the whole time?

Here's an even dumber one I just saw tonight. I go to the door to give candy to trick-or-treaters, and it's two teenage girls (maybe freshmen in HS). One of them says trick or treat, the other one is on her cell phone talking, and doesn't even bother looking at me when she holds out her bag for candy. I gave her a piece, but in retrospect I should have closed the door on her.

 

[Ellay]

Nothing wrong with small talk,

How are you all anyway?

 

[nbcrusader]

but sometimes the small talk feels like nails on a chalkboard.

I feel the same way. I have no problem talking with friends. Put me with a group of people I don't know, and you have a different story.

Small talk with people I don't know is my worst nightmare. Fortunately, while my wife does not seek it out, she is much better at it than I am.