As repetitive as this situation may seem..

[youtooellen]

I hope anyone could help me out with this. It's quite... long so I apologize, but this has been driving me nuts the past week or so, and I would appreciate any advice, help, suggestions, anything from anyone. Thanks.

Well here goes...

So I've currently been going out with this guy from my church youth group. He's a senior in high school now, and I'm a junior. We've liked each other since my freshmen year, or also in other words his sophomore year. He's best friend's with my brother who is also a senior. But the thing is, this guy and I have been going out for maybe a month and a half now, and before we started going out, we were great friends and talked to each other about everything. But on our dates and whatnots, we talk so much and of course I love our conversations, but sometimes when we show affection towards each other, I feel really.. uncomfortable. And I feel like my feelings are slowly fading away or something. When we hold hands and whatnot, I get awkward.

And in school I feel like I'm gaining interest for other guys. For example, at school there's this one guy who I've heard from friends, his favorite band is Van Halen and he's shy and everything, so I really want to get to know him. But I feel like I could be confusing this feeling of wanting to get to know him as liking him?

I feel INCREDIBLY guilty to feel this way, because I've never been in a situation like this before. And I feel so bad cause I feel like I'm betraying my boyfriend in a way. And I think I should break up with him because we rarely see each other and when we do, I always end up having to cancel plans with my friends. And when I cancel plans on them they get all defensive and remind me of the 'chicks before dicks' rule. These friends and I have been friends since kindergarten/Pre-K. Yes. Insane, I know.

But anyways, if I do break up with him, things could get bad. Because during our relationship, his friendship with my brother drifted apart a little and I could tell that their friendship is already dying. I feel so guilty for that too. I am also his first relationship, and I'm worried that if I do hurt him, it might affect his senior year (college apps.).

I'm thinking it's because I've lost attraction towards him. And as much as I make this sound so magnified, it's because the past years that I did like him, I liked him SO much. And of course I love him as a great friend, I'm worried too that if I end the relationship, our friendship will most definitely come to an end.


sorry for it being so long and 'dramatic'. Any help, advice, suggestions are welcome. I'm in desperate need of any.

 

[For Honor]

Heh....

First of all, remember you are still in high school. Not to sound contracending at all, no. Honestly. But just keep that in mind. Highschool is just a moment in your life. Try to enjoy it, responsibly, as much as you can.

First relationships can be really weird...

But since you are unlikely to marry this guy, I'd say take a break from each other for a while, unless you are the uberultramega serious type. But even then, if you just know one person, I suppose it's agood idea to at least take a break, or give yourself some space.

I wouldn't worry about it so much.

But if it's stressing you, then maybe it's time to let go.
Some people will still be able to be friends after separating, other people can't deal with it at all, so don't be mad if you loose a friendship like that. It's sorta out of your control....

==
===
==


Lastly, how serious is your relationship with your current guy?

I know what you mean, about loyalty/betrayal...
But really, what is your relationship?
What do you two expect, what are your plans, etc?
How serious is your relationship?
How long term do you see it, do you want it
and
how long term does he see it, he want it?
How serious does he take it?

These are my initial questions to you.

 

[youtooellen]

well seeing that we've liked each other the majority of our high school lives, I suppose we figured it'd be pretty long term. I know for a fact though that he's thinking that we'll be lasting for a long time. Both of us are TOO alike, the way we think, our humor, just everything.

I wasn't really expecting much from this relationship until I entered it and I guess realized what situation I've gotten myself into. Going out with my brother's best friend, and realizing that what happens in the end will affect many people.

But yeah, he's pretty serious about it actually. I recall having past conversations with him about him and college and he said that we could make it work when he goes to college..

it's just, I guess my main concern is that this is his first relationship (not mine), and I want his first relationship to be a good one, so it doesn't corrupt his mindset about future relationships. Knowing him, if I ended it very abruptly, it would affect him very much.. in a negative way.

 

[Got Philk?]

I can only offer a little advice. This is not a fun situation for you and I can tell you are too nice and really care for his feelings. Alright, here goes...

If you really don't see this relationship going anywhere beyond a high school relationship, and you want be the sweety you are, do not allow him to go to college still with you. I did this with my girlfriend, but it was a little different. I was the guy going to college and I kept it going even though I knew I should have ended it b/c i knew it was just a relationship that wouldn't last. Long story short, we broke up and she's married to my once best friend.

Gosh, I was just like you. Constantly wanting to meet/get to know other girls. If you know it's not what you want, don't lead him on too much farther love.

Good luck. Hope I helped at all.

 

[discothequeLP]

i guess you should end it as soon as you can bear to. christ, all you girls are the same. you find a nice guy who treats you well, whom you've fancied for a while, but then, once you actually have him, you get bored.


be forewarned, though -- even if you break up with this guy, it's not over for him. he'll keep chasing. guaranteed.

 

[Badyouken]

I agree you have to break up with him.

What's worse:
- Staying with him, giving him the illusion that this relationship is going somewhere and breaking it up further down in your relationship;

or

- Doing it quickly. Like a band-aid. Explaining everything you just said here to him (except for the Van Halen guy).

Option 2 is obviously the best. He'll know what's going on and will have more time to recover.

 

[youtooellen]

i guess you should end it as soon as you can bear to. christ, all you girls are the same. you find a nice guy who treats you well, whom you've fancied for a while, but then, once you actually have him, you get bored.

whoever said he treated me well?

in the past I had a thread in here, asking for advice because he would get ticked off when I wanted to pay for myself when we went out for meals, movies, etc.

and he's obviously a nice guy, why wouldn't I be with him in the first place? it just seems the things he does in our relationship could be affecting my feelings for him.

have I also mentioned that he likes three of U2's songs, but he always says crap about Bono and the things he does (ex. Live8, helping Africa, making music...) ?..

 

[Got Philk?]

have I also mentioned that he likes three of U2's songs, but he always says crap about Bono and the things he does (ex. Live8, helping Africa, making music...) ?..

Kick him then leave him.

 

[dandy]

i guess you should end it as soon as you can bear to. christ, all you girls are the same. you find a nice guy who treats you well, whom you've fancied for a while, but then, once you actually have him, you get bored.

yes, right, all women are superficial cockteases.






ellen, i know it's not easy being in your situation, but if you know it's not going to work, it's best to be honest about things and end it sooner than later. the longer it goes on, the worse the end will be. he will be hurt, obviously, but you'll both be happier in the long run.

don't beat yourself up about this. be honest and be kind, but beyond that, you can't be responsible for his feelings, or his relationship with your brother, etc. you're young, you should be enoying your friends, meeting new people, and having fun, not feeling caged in a relationship you're not sure you want to be in.

 

[youtooellen]

this is really difficult for me, but I've come to the conclusion of talking to him first.
I don't see him in a week because both our schedules are so busy so I think during the time I don't see him I'm going to have to choose my words carefully about what I'll talk to him about.
one of the main things I'll have to talk to him about is what he's expecting out of the relationship. and how he feels so far about us (doubtful, confident, etc.).

thanks for all the help everyone and I really appreciate. just getting it off my chest was a relief.

Kick him then leave him.

haha



let me just say that when he says bad stuff about Bono and U2... I defend U2 and Bono with ALL my heart. and it annoys the hell out of him so he lays off.

 

[smurf_sista]

let me just say that when he says bad stuff about Bono and U2... I defend U2 and Bono with ALL my heart. and it annoys the hell out of him so he lays off.

hmmm good work girl defend our boys!!

 

[youtooellen]

hmmm good work girl defend our boys!!

haha definitely

he even made a few sarcastic comments about interference/U2 forums. but I won't say anything else about it. ..

all I did on my part was that I went bizerk on his comments about interference.. .. and. well. it shut him up.

 

[For Honor]

But yeah, he's pretty serious about it actually. I recall having past conversations with him about him and college and he said that we could make it work when he goes to college..

it's just, I guess my main concern is that this is his first relationship (not mine), and I want his first relationship to be a good one, so it doesn't corrupt his mindset about future relationships. Knowing him, if I ended it very abruptly, it would affect him very much.. in a negative way.

Hmm..... well, it sounds like you're already "done" with this relationship. (which is not a bad thing) it just seems like, mentally, and emotionally, you're talking about friendship.

And what..... you're just trying to let him down easy or something?

Well, just be honest with the guy.


There is nothing I hate more than insincere emotional attachments. If you don't care about someone, or more so, don't want to care about someone, in the same way, let them know so they can move on.

DOn't waste anyone's time. I try not to, and I can't stand it when others do it to me. Your position is perfectly fine, and acceptable. But just...... don't linger.

 

[For Honor]

i guess you should end it as soon as you can bear to. christ, all you girls are the same. you find a nice guy who treats you well, whom you've fancied for a while, but then, once you actually have him, you get bored.


be forewarned, though -- even if you break up with this guy, it's not over for him. he'll keep chasing. guaranteed.

FH's darkside: ...........(has been restrained through editing)


FH: Well.... I guess everyone should have been more clear about their expectations to being with. But really.... first relationships can be a bitch that way. You don' talways know what you want.....

........

but when you do, be honest about it.

whoever said he treated me well?

in the past I had a thread in here, asking for advice because he would get ticked off when I wanted to pay for myself when we went out for meals, movies, etc.

and he's obviously a nice guy, why wouldn't I be with him in the first place? it just seems the things he does in our relationship could be affecting my feelings for him.

have I also mentioned that he likes three of U2's songs, but he always says crap about Bono and the things he does (ex. Live8, helping Africa, making music...) ?..

Oh.......


well, I see more clearly now......

Yeah, let go, move on


don't get stuck in a moment.



just dance

 

[For Honor]

haha definitely

he even made a few sarcastic comments about interference/U2 forums. but I won't say anything else about it. ..

all I did on my part was that I went bizerk on his comments about interference.. .. and. well. it shut him up.

 

[youtooellen]

thanks alot FH

honesty is the best policy
so as a result, I called him....

and it turns out instead of me saying 'I need to talk to you about something', he said that to me...

maybe he does feel the same? maybe not. but from his tone of voice 'I need to talk to you' , sounds like it's not gonna be a great conversation. I guess I'll find out the next time I see him.

I'm kind of worried about what he'll say now though.

 

[discothequeLP]

i apologize for what i said. i was just being a jackass. i shouldn't have said it.


when are you going to see him next?

 

[youtooellen]

i apologize for what i said. i was just being a jackass. i shouldn't have said it.


when are you going to see him next?

don't fret, it's fine
but thanks for the apology anyways


I think I'll be seeing him this upcoming friday, saturday, or sunday, leaving me more time to consider everything going on

 

[discothequeLP]

jesus, you must be feeling just so

 

[youtooellen]

a tad bit I suppose . but like everyone said and has reassured me, I shouldn't linger with it, or be 'stuck in a moment' with this situation.

for me, I suppose it's easier to get on with life because I've had past experience with heartbreak, but I'm really worried about what he'd do, seeing he's had a past with bad influences..

but maybe seeing him this weekend might change my feelings or something. maybe seeing him will rekindle some feelings in me or something.

 

[For Honor]

you're welcome


But you should expect some feelings to be rekindled, especially if you are prepared to break it off. It's natural, though, and try to be realistic should you feel "swayed". That's because the mind "doesn't want to lose", be it things or people. So be prepared.

I mean, listen to what he has to say, but make life easy for yourself and stick to your decisions. If you don't feel anything, and it's time to move on, don't let rendezvous turn everything around on you. I only say this because I've seen it far too many times.

ANd it is okay to still have concern for someone after you are through with an exclusive relationship.



But I know - it's not always easy to listen to your head in relationships

good luck



and yes, don't get "stuck in a moment you can't get out of".
That song, and honesty, I think those are going to by my "preaching tools" hahaha.

 

[youtooellen]

I'm going to have to watch out about that 'swaying' thing. But I'm sure I'll be keeping to my decision and hearing everything he wants to say first.

your ''preaching tools'' are great!

 

[For Honor]

Keep us updated

 

[Max_theHitman]

First of all, you´re still in high school. Which means your still young, right?
Being young is really messed up. I know, I was there too.
Being in love is also messed up. Makes you do stupid things and say stupid things and think stupid thoughts. I know. I was there too.
But I tell you my best advice that I can give you.
"Follow your heart"
What does your heart say to YOU?
Do you really LOVE him, or do you feel that it is just a "puppy-love" kind of affection? They are both quite different. If you are really not in love, then break it up...but break it up as friends.
Some of my best friends now, used to be my ex-girlfriends from high-school. So it is not so bad, after all.
BUT if you are truly in L-O-V-E. Then you must make a commitment and follow it through.
No relationship is "paradise".
Both sides must make a commitment to understand and love each other. Both must have patience and help each other. Otherwise your sailing on a ship (LoveBoat) with a hole in it, and IT WILL SINK. AND deep it will sink too.
There is ALOT of hurt from a broken heart. Trust me, I have been there. IT HURTS.
So it is better to be honest now (with yourself) than to really hurt bad later on.
If you feel that the relationship is going no where, then ended it soon and just be good friends. (it will seem strange at first, but later both of you will understand the reasons why, and you will be friends)

There is a GREAT BIG Ocean out there.
Your still young. There are alot more fish in the sea than you can imagine. (they are NOT all stuck in a tuna-fish can , you know? LOL) Just be carefull not to sail on the LOVEBOAT that has a hole in it.

(read between the lines, you´ll understand)

Be a good girl (always)
See ya later

 

[youtooellen]

wow max
i think you've just answered many of the doubts i had in my mind

I think I've realized that this is just puppy love. I almost feel... forced? alittle into the relationship (hard to explain). I really truly love this guy, it's just, maybe not the right love?
I think I might've confused it with the wrong type of love. like love for a friend, love for a companion, etc.
or maybe it could be that we waited too long to get this relationship going. I mean, 3 years is a long time..

thanks so much max
I really appreciate your words

Keep us updated

I shall.

speaking of updated though, turns out I won't be seeing him until Sunday. he called and said he's busy on Saturday and Friday
suppose that means I'll be talking to him on Sunday

 

[For Honor]

I guess some people are capable of loving others, but not wanting to spend the rest of their life with them - that sort of way.
I personally never really got that.... but apperantly it happens.

I think people misuse the word "love", or just say it has different levels of meaning. But as Hitman pointed out..... it's a big ocean

and in my opinion, love is a difficult journey, and ideally, a long one. So make sure you've got a good partner. But that's the beauty of it all, I guess.,,,


good luck


PS -ah! my spacebar is broken! h,mmm

 

[discothequeLP]

speaking of updated though, turns out I won't be seeing him until Sunday. he called and said he's busy on Saturday and Friday
suppose that means I'll be talking to him on Sunday

hmm. . . giving you a suspiscious 'i need to talk to you,' and now an 'im too busy' . . . sounds like he's up to no good. i've done it too many times.

 

[For Honor]

Yeah, that's right!

I knew there was something I forgot. And then my space bar broke.

Seeing you only when he wants to isn't exactly a positive, when it comes to real relationships...

 

[youtooellen]

I'm assuming this whole "I'm busy" is just an excuse then huh?



geez. this situation just gets more and more difficult.

 

[For Honor]

more difficult?

well, as you wish. But I'd think that'd make it easier