Am I spoiled?

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nip this in the bud...get a job and get away from the issues that shouldn't be so troubling. Hopefully, you've got more important things to focus on that will be more rewarding to you.

I don't think there is one person that I know that hasn't gone through something like this. I got sick of hearing it and chose not to get tangled up in it myself.
 
Liesje said:


You can't build a life for yourself until you let go of the past.
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I agree with Liesje on this point. I think this is something that is just sinking in with me. Am trying to make up for lost time with my father now. Just sent him a fathers day card. Neither of us can change our past but hopefully we can get to know each other again. Thats another story though.

Hope things work out for you. From what you have said i agree with the others who have said you're best staying with your friend. I hope this person is really supportive of you and your rehab goes well and you get alot out of it and can begin again. :hug:
 
unico said:
girl didn't i tell yo ass to go volunteer in dublin??? :wink: really though, what happened, did you decide it wasn't for you?
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I did look into that, unfortunately the places I wanted to volunteer at were all taken up. am trying for next year.
 
New issue here, but didn't want to start a new thread.

I've been staying at my friend's apartment everyday. My mother keeps calling me three four times a day, asking me to come home. "Or at least babysit and take the kids out."

The other night while I was there, visiting, my stepfather made a comment, while I was watching Ellen Degeneres with my sister and my brother and he said, to me only, "Oh you like Ellen huh?" I just ignored him. Then he goes into the kitchen and mumbles, "Yeah you and her have something in common, I bet you like Rosie O'Donnell too, huh, don't you?"
The previous night he was looking thru my photo files on my laptop, and said, "You are soooo conceited! You have no reason to be! You can't even get a boyfriend!" (I caught him "zooming" in on my boob area because I was wearing a low cut top.)
About ten days ago, he said, seriously, as we were watching a Forensic show about a man poisoning his wife, he points to me and says, "I bet you'd do that to your husband, if you ever get one. Seriously, I'm scared of you. You're a cold blooded killer."

Not only does he say mean things like that to me, he touches me, either on the arm, or the neck, or the waist, sometimes on the face or ear, sometimes near my breasts, sometimes on the buttocks, and he brushes up against me while I'm trying to pass him, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, because I know it's not in a normal father/daughter manner, I can't explain it or why I think it's wrong, but I just FEEL it is. When I was younger, he used to hold me down and tickle me, until I blew up at him telling him never to touch me again, he continued to touch me, but not tickle.

I tell my mother and she sticks up for him. He says he is joking when he says mean things like that... I've been telling him that the constant touching and the weird looks he gives me is wrong and makes me uncomfortable for FIFTEEN YEARS and he continues to do it, until my little brother stuck up for me and said was invading my boundaries and that it was sick. He tries hard not to touch me, but still brushes up against me and looks at me weird.

My mother says I should go into therapy for this, because obviously I do not know how to deal with people and it will continue to create problems, but she says I NEED help with it, and not him.

I say this is abuse, she says it's my fault. She ignores when I tell her about the touching and stuff.
 
Because in the past, whenever I need help, they offer it to me, and my stepdad zooms over and helps me right away with my car, or whatever I need help with.
My mother says I cannot live without her or her help. And in some sick and psychotic way, I believe that is true.
My friend is moving far away and wants me to go with her and in a sadistic way I keep sticking up for my parents, saying I need them and I cant think that I can make it by myself.
I just talked to a counselor who said that I was being abused and have been abused for the past fifteen years, twenty years. My mother keeps putting her relationships before me.'

I love my brother and sister, and they are lonely wihtouth me so that is why I stop by.
I don't take my mom's calls, she leaves messages and she gets mad when I don't answer her calls, saying that "boy if you ever need help, don't call me because I won't answer YOUR call."

My counselor said it is manipulation. But even if I know it's manipulation, why do I still feel obligated? Why do I feel bad? I feel guilty for leaving and not answering their calls.
 
Yeah, you need to leave. Do the rehab thing if that's still in the works, or pack it up and go with your friend. Or something. It sounds like you need rehab from your mom. Seriously. A lot of people get "addicted" to the pain and suffering caused by their own family, because to leave that means you have to start being responsible for yourself and don't have a crutch or someone else to blame. If you were 16, I'd say call the authorities (b/c of what your stepdad is doing). But you're 29. They are not going to change; YOU have to change. You can't change unless you tell them to fuck off and they tell you to fuck off and that's that. You can't have it both ways. You can't stick around and be a martyr for your siblings, but still blame your parents for your problems. I'm sure they are part of the cause, so they aren't going to be part of the solution. If THEY were going to change, they would have done so a long time ago. Time to move on (literally).
 
It sounds like you have definitely been verbally abused & manipulated and made to believe you can't live without them and this is just from what I briefly read in a few posts. A very unhealthy relationship. You should definitely get out if you can. Try and get yourself together and work on yourself and getting the help you need. Don't feel guilty. You have to live your life and be happy. Take responsibility for yourself. I wish you all the best :hug:
 
Yeah, I have to echo the previous comments. You need to get out of there. It's not necessarily going to be easy, particularly at first, but it's going to be the right thing to do, and I think you'll find out that you ARE strong enough to stand on your own.

But your counselor is right, and you need to get out of there.
 
I still feel guilty. I've been sad and mad all day, praying to my father to make me feel better. How can my father watch over and see his only daughter be treated this way?

My cousin recently asked me, "Why when anyone hugs you, you pull away and give an ass out hug? Is it because you don't like hugging?" And I thought long and hard about it, and then realised that since I began developing (I have 36DD's) I have grown up shy and ashamed of my body. She asks why, I say, John(stepfather) would often make fun of my body- make weird comments about my big breasts, and often times I didn't like hugging and having people feel them against their body. I often hunch over (still) when I'm around certain people (especially John) and I dislike being touched, because of the way I was brought up, with John always touching me and tickling me. I still don't like being touched today, even by boyfriends. I often think this is insecurities.... I have never thought of myself as being abused...but now having talked it over with a therapist and being seen the 'patterns' of abuse, it all makes sense.
Is there anyone else on this forum that has been verbally or sexually abused that I can talk to? Because I cannot connect with people that haven't been, they just don't understand.

And I do not feel that I am addicted to this, it hurts way too much. I just feel obligated, I have tried in vain to get away from my mom but in the end, she's always there and 'tries to help' me when things are rough.

I just feel like I owe my mother something because yes they do help me when I need help, and I feel like in some way I'm obligated to listen to them, even when I'm 40 or 50.
And in return, I'm verbally abused, and her fucking loser of a husband makes me uncomfortable with odd sexual advances and insulting and humiliating off the cuff remarks.

:|

And it is sick because still after all of this I still feel like I NEED them and it would be impossible for me to leave because for some fucking reason that I cannot put my finger on, I feel like I just cannot do it.
 
I stand by my previous comment. You can only change yourself. If your mom wants to change, she will have to make that decision. You can never fully heal if you still allow the poison (these people) to have a say in your life. There's no way you'll be able to have a supportive, compassionate relationship with someone to sexually abuses you and another person who just lets it happen and makes excuses. Something's gotta give, and I don't think it's going to be them.

There are people on this forum who have been verbally and/or sexually abused.
 
After reading the whole thread my take on this is:

You have to decide what you want more -- their "help" or your sanity.

Once you make that decision you have to act on it (or not act on it if what you pick is their help). If you choose your sanity my guess is that one of the first things you will need to do is to sever all ties to your family, both physical and emotional, until you are strong enough to be able to deal with them without falling into the same patterns. Be prepared for that to take years, not days or weeks or months.
 
absintheminded said:
I still feel guilty. I've been sad and mad all day

...

And it is sick because still after all of this I still feel like I NEED them and it would be impossible for me to leave because for some fucking reason that I cannot put my finger on, I feel like I just cannot do it.
Click to expand...

How else should you feel? It's not easy to accept that the people who are supposed to care for you and keep you from harm are the ones hurting you. I don't think anyone could accept that truth easily. As an outsider looking at your situation, it looks like your mom is choosing her husband over you, her own daughter, taking his side over yours. How can that NOT be hard?

Do you have other family members that can at least provide emotional support for you? Or close friends?

I'm almost uncomfortable giving advice or suggestions, because this is big stuff, and I think your best bet is to keep working with the counselor. It's easy to sit here and say "oh my god, get out of your mother's home!" But there is no easy solution or resolution to something like this. It's going to take work, time and courage on your part.

But if you really want to take control of your life and be happy, you need to try and work through this, to get yourself out of your current situation which is unhealthy for you.

You said you relied on her for help, and I know it will be a scary, huge step to get yourself out of there and be independent. But do whatever you can to do that. If your mom gives you a guilt trip about that, it's just another example of how messed up your situation is. This isn't about her - it's about what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Listen to your counselor, okay? I would bet yours isn't the first situation like this they've encountered.
 
I have my uncle, and my two brothers are sticking by my side and sticking up for me while I'm not there at home. (my mom and her husband has been bitching about me non-stop when I told her that we have to see an advocate tomorrow)
My uncle says that he doesn't think outside of physically punching a woman or having sex forcefully without a woman's consent is "abuse". He says that John is telling me "things I need to hear" and just trying to "discipline" me. But he's an 85 year old man, I didn't expect for him to understand. Saying that I'm a serial killer in the making, conceited when I can't even get a boyfriend, and saying that I'm a lesbian is not things ANYONE wants to hear, especially from a father-figure. Had John been a boyfriend, I would have been out the door before he could even finish his FIRST insult.

I'm done crying about this, it's been fifteen years that I've had to deal with this monster.

My mother still doesn't believe it's abuse, especially since John apologizes later for his behavior and I forgive him and we get on after. So I scheduled an appointment tomorrow with someone that is neutral and has training and/or degree with this sort of behavior, so that my mother can see past her blind eyes and really see that her daughter is/was being abused.
I am going to rehab (im even speeding up the process so I can be away from my parents) and have discussed doing rehab out of state in order for me to be away from my mom and stepdad, and we're looking into that (my friend and my uncle and me).

I have since stated to my mother that I am cutting all ties with her starting now and it will continue until I am finished with rehab. I told her that I cannot forgive them for this and I cannot continue my life being abused and then blaming them on it and continuing the "vicious cycle".

This has been very hard and I've been crying all day because of it, but maybe what's worse than not having a mother at all is having one that chooses a loser husband over her own daughter and makes her own daughter miserable/guilty for even saying anything about being mistreated.

Other than my uncle, I've discarded all of my partying and fairweather friends so I'm all in this alone. Except for my one friend who's offered me a job and a home with her in Florida who suggested I move in the first place.

And during all this "mental or nervous breakdown" as my mom called it, I did not drink or wanted to drink. My highschool friend whom I'm still in contact with, is a drinker, but we don't hang out together and she offered to get a couple drinks with me to talk things out, I opted to go have dinner with my non-drinking friend instead.

I can't say that I'm taking all this too good. But at least I'm not being alcoholic and trying to "drink my problems" away...

:sad:
 
Ditto that. Good luck with everything - you're taking a huge step, and that's very brave.

(And geez, even the people who are claiming your stepdad isn't abusing you could at least admit that he's a complete asshole.)
 
Here is an email from my "mother" after asking her to come to talk with an abuse advocate:

"I have told you that when I was in your situation…I had little respect from anyone let alone for myself. Once you turn your life around, you won’t accept this type of behavior from ANYONE. But first, you need to take care of the issues that are staring you in the face. And that is YOU NEED TO GET INTO TREATMENT….ASAP!! ANY ISSUES THAT YOU HAVE WITH ANYONE…you can deal with it in treatment. I will participate in any family counseling or anything that they recommend when you get into treatment and once you get in you can talk with counselors regarding any abuse.



NOW…what is the status of your treatment??????"


Apparently my being abused is taking a major back seat to my treatment status and since I'm having "problems" with my drinking, this has caused for me to be verbally and sexually abused and all of this is my fault.
 
I know this is easier said than done, but you've gotta try your very best to brush her off and not process what she tells you. You don't wanna interalize it. She is no counselor and cannot give you any sort of advice about treatment.
 
I may be mis reading it and if so I apologize and I don't know her like you do. It sounds to me like she isn't dismissing you she's trying to keep the focus on treatment. Abuse issues and family issues are often dealt with in there.

How long until you start? Maybe you should discontinue all contact for now and if you choose to continue contact you could do so in a therapy setting.

It's great that you are seeking help. Take care of yourself.
 
I called the counselors in treatment and begged them to push up my date, so therefore instead of waiting another 3-4 weeks, the lady Mary Ann has "bumped me up" and I will be in the 'Abused Women's' section and I will not be waiting for more than TEN DAYS! Yay!

I've cut off all contact with my parents, and will continue to do so during treatment and thereafter. That email was from yesterday and I just read it today, and it was basically giving my mother a last chance to salvage our relationship.
I've talked it out with my uncle today, difficult but needed, told him that I needed a 'safe' place away from my parents, and that I'd bump up the date of my treatment, but I asked him that he keep my stepfather away from the house until I am gone. I explained to him that I feel not only was I verbally/emotionally abused, but I have been sexually abused and now harassed and if he comes near me and threatens or intimidates me, I will have to leave, and I will have to leave state and forget about treatment.
My uncle has agreed with these terms and is giving me a plane ticket once i finish treatment, saying that maybe I should move.

Thank you guys for all your input and encouragement. I really need as much encouragement, especially when the family is pinned against me right now, saying that I'm crazy for saying my stepfather abused me.
And taking the steps to end my turbulent and unhealthy relationship with my mother.
Things are looking up already for me. :)
 
Good for you! I'm glad to hear those first steps are working so far, and that you have a family member on your side.

Good luck! I bet you'll find you're much stronger than you ever realized. :)

(And to answer your original question, no. I don't think you're spoiled at all. :wink: )
 
No, I'm not spoiled. I'm fucked up.

I belong on Intervention.

But I bet the counselor would say that I wasn't that bad to be on TV or have an intervention. My mom even laughed when I said I wanted to be on that show.
 
:hug: that's great that your uncle is helping you out. I'm glad things are working out this way and that you will get treatment sooner. And no need to thank us for the encouragement, that's what ZC is for :)
 
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