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absintheminded

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I am 29, currently just moved out of my apartment and back in with my mom and her kids, ages 10, 13, and a very temperamental 17 year old.

My duties are each to do laundry, clean house, watch the kids- take them places, and SOMETIMEs prepare dinner.

I do not have a bedroom, so I sleep on the couch. I am unemployed right now and have no income. My parents are complaining that I should pay rent, and I should do more, like take the kids out EVERY SINGLE day, when I don't have money for gas, food, and for the activities (movies, etc) for the things that we want to do. My mom tosses me a $20 here and there, then later acts like I owe her for the money "she lent me".

Is it fair to ask for an "allowance" of $50 a week for the things I do? Or should I pay rent?

My friend is currently hiring a nanny/housekeeper and said that she would pay her nanny about $100 a week, let her have a room of her own and even give her food. So when this was brought up to me, I suggested this to my mom, who thought it was ridiculous.
 
After I went to college I spent one summer back at home and that was enough to keep me gone for good. I slept in the back of the basement (partially finished) on a couch that I bought from a friend. I car-pooled with my dad to work and back since I worked full time on the same hours as him. I paid my friends for rides elsewhere since I was not on the car insurance policy. My parents did not ask me to pay rent, but I did not ask them for money since I was working the same hours as them, but I only had myself to cover and they had my two younger siblings. I had far more disposable income than them since I was using loans and scholarships for tuition.

$100/wk isn't so bad if it's live-in. That saves you rent, utilities, groceries, and having to drive to another job AND $100 spending money. I wouldn't worry what your mom thinks. A job is a job. I was a full time nanny during one of my high school summers and got $250 a week for 4 kids, 8 hrs a day, but I did not live there and was not reimbursed for transporting them to all their summer camps.

IMO, parents shouldn't really ask for rent unless they've had to make a sacrifice, like give up a room in the home. I think helping with the chores is an even trade since it's not like they are paying more for utilities or a house when you are there, just a tad more for food. But I would definitely not ask for spending money.
 
I never paid rent when I went away to school. That said, I've not actually been home for longer than 2 weeks at a time since leaving. But I did work full time for a period AND I had a good salary AND I lived at home and didn't contribute a single penny. My parents refused to accept any, stating that they felt if they collected $ from one of their children for bills, mortgage, etc, then they would no longer feel like their assets and therefore, our inheritance, could be evenly split. That was the main issue and so I got a free ride.

Since you're not really putting them out AND you are doing them a favour by taking care of the kids, I'd say no rent. And they should reimburse you for activities - those are still their kids, not yours and it's not your responsibility to pay for their fun time.
 
I think it's wrong to ask your parents for money. Why should they be paying you to go to the movies and do things when they're at work? They probably didn't factor into their budget having another person living with them. Yes, you're family, and yes, they love you, but let's face it--you're eating their food and using their water and electricity and other things that will cost them money. Doing the chores that you're doing should be your way of thanking them for taking you in again. If you want money, you need to get a job. I think you need to be thinking of this situation as temporary and be looking for work ASAP. And if you continue to stay with them after you're working, I don't think it's wrong of them to ask you for a small amount of rent to help cover the cost of you being there.
 
Did you guys forget that I'm doing ALL of the household duties that I do not contribute to? It's a family of her husband, my brother and my sister and then my mom's dishes that I always have to do, regardless of whether or not I eat or not. (And to add, I do not eat much, I drink water and I am on a diet, so it's not like they put extra money into feeding me.)
There are about four loads of laundry to do a day, most of which ARE NOT MINE.
My mom asks me to do daily activities with the ten year old, take her to the movies, take her to a baseball game, take her to her soccer practices, take her to the mall, take her to the athletic club. Etc.
I sleep on the couch and I do not have a room of my own.

The reason I am not looking for a job is because my parents forced to me to quit my job, vacate my apartment and enter rehab (another long story). And I'm on the waiting list and will be entering rehab here in about two weeks.

If I wasn't here, the house would be a mess for my mom to come home to clean everyday, AND she would have to pay a babysitter to take care of her ten year old. I think doing a few chores a day would be fair just for me staying here for another few weeks, but come on, babysitting and basically doing 85% of ALL the chores is not fair.
 
By making me take care of a family that I did not get married for or take care of children that I did not give birth to?

And then paying for entertainment for them out of my own pocket?

I forgot to mention that I haven't lived with my mom for awhile, the last time I lived with her was in 2000-2001, while I was working, shared a SMALL room with my sister, did a lot of chores AND paid $400 a month rent. This caused a fight between my parents and my Godparents, my Godparents thought they were overcharging me, since I didn't even have a room of my own. My mom's loser husband had lost his job, gotten his fifth DUI and was in jail, so she used me to help her through this hard time. I didn't mind though, I helped with the kids and the chores and I paid the $400 a month rent.
But I'm having a tough couple of weeks here, I need money and my mom says she won't give it.

But that's ok. I'm just not going to do all the chores they ask. And I'll take off during the day like I want. It's not like they're paying me to babysit the ten year old...
 
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Good thing your mom didn't think it was unfair to clean up shit that wasn't hers when you were a baby.

And yes - the point could be made that she chose to have a child and therefore she should do that, however, you've made choices that go you where you are now too.
 
^ Um she didn't even take care of me when I was a baby, so that smartass comment is invalid.
I was taken care of by my father and my Grandma, then was raised by my Godparents until my mother realised she could get money (inheritance from my father) and she got full custody when I was 9, convieniently enough when I was "old enough" to do everything for myself.
 
Regardless of who did the cleaning, someone who didn't create the mess cleaned it up for you. Whether it was your mother or not is irrelevent. You made an issue of having to do dishes and laundry that weren't yours.

You're still old enough to do everything for yourself and she's conveniently got custody of you again. If she's your only refuge at this point she can pretty much charge what she likes, and while it might be the decent thing to not ask you to fork out while looking after the kids, if that's always been her way then it's too bad you've ended up relying on her.
 
I know. I did something about it. I took the security deposit from the apartment and will be living wiht my friend for the rest of the month.

I am fucking fed up.

Just told my mom and now she's livid she doesn't have a slave/babysitter.
Not only that, I have to tell her every time I am going out, with who, not because of anything special, just because she's nosey.
She also looked thru my cell phone and text messages (even answered some of my calls when I was away from my phone).

Fed Up.
 
I forgot to mention that my 'perfect' mother stole all of my inheritance, and was a horrible mother.
Now that she quit drinking, she acts like shes done perfect with me, and that I owe her.
While i lived with her when I was a teenager, I had no social life, she had two boys that I took care of during the weekends and summers AND afterschool, so I could never join after school activities. PLUS I had a 25 hour a week job as a restaurant hostess to buy the things I wanted, clothes, cds, makeup.
When I was 18, I found out she had been getting monthly checks from my father's estate, not to mention $1000 social security and when I wanted MY CHECKS that were IN MY NAME, she told me that I had to start paying $500a month rent.
 
absintheminded said:
I know. I did something about it. I took the security deposit from the apartment and will be living wiht my friend for the rest of the month.

I am fucking fed up.

Just told my mom and now she's livid she doesn't have a slave/babysitter.
Not only that, I have to tell her every time I am going out, with who, not because of anything special, just because she's nosey.
She also looked thru my cell phone and text messages (even answered some of my calls when I was away from my phone).

Fed Up.
Click to expand...

Didn't you just post something about going to rehab? Maybe she doesn't want you to fall into whatever trap you were in before? That is probably why she looked thru your cell phone. Maybe she's trying to look after you so you don't fuck up again. Who knows. You only know. You asked for advice did you not? You're 29. Be a little more responsible with your life.
 
U2Girl1978 said:


Didn't you just post something about going to rehab? Maybe she doesn't want you to fall into whatever trap you were in before? That is probably why she looked thru your cell phone. Maybe she's trying to look after you so you don't fuck up again. Who knows. You only know. You asked for advice did you not? You're 29. Be a little more responsible with your life.
Click to expand...

You said a lot of what I was just going to.

You can complain about what a horrible mother she is/was, you can complain about how unfair your situation is, but more than anything, you have to be willing to take responsibility for your actions. You have to deal with this for two more weeks. You put yourself in a situation where your family felt that they needed to intervene. If you want to be treated like an adult, try acting like one.

You have answer for any piece of advice people have tried to offer you. If you keep that attitude, you're not going to overcome the problems that you're having. You can keep complaining about how unfair everything is, or you can do what you need to to make sure you don't end up in a similar situation again--go to rehab, put your life back together, and learn to make better choices.
 
absintheminded said:
I forgot to mention that my 'perfect' mother stole all of my inheritance, and was a horrible mother.
Now that she quit drinking, she acts like shes done perfect with me, and that I owe her.
While i lived with her when I was a teenager, I had no social life, she had two boys that I took care of during the weekends and summers AND afterschool, so I could never join after school activities. PLUS I had a 25 hour a week job as a restaurant hostess to buy the things I wanted, clothes, cds, makeup.
When I was 18, I found out she had been getting monthly checks from my father's estate, not to mention $1000 social security and when I wanted MY CHECKS that were IN MY NAME, she told me that I had to start paying $500a month rent.
Click to expand...

Then I think it's long past time to move on. Move out, let her deal with her own issues so you can deal with yours. You keep going back to her and you guys are just enabling each other and continuing the vicious cycle. If she's a horrible person, then just tell her you can't be happy living with her and move on. Neither of you owe each other anything.

If you have a problem that requires rehab, then I don't think the mother you are describing is going to be a positive role model and I don't think sticking around is going to be good for you. Surround yourself with people who are supportive of you and also set an example by supporting themselves.

You can't build a life for yourself until you let go of the past.
 
U2Girl1978 said:


Didn't you just post something about going to rehab? Maybe she doesn't want you to fall into whatever trap you were in before? That is probably why she looked thru your cell phone. Maybe she's trying to look after you so you don't fuck up again. Who knows. You only know. You asked for advice did you not? You're 29. Be a little more responsible with your life.
Click to expand...

You're being a little hypocritical here. I am twenty nine years old, not a kid, she has no right to invade my privacy, I've been clean and sober, ON MY OWN, for almost over a month. I'm 29 years old, I shouldn't have a babysitter. Yet, I am treated like a kid when I am around her. I have no privacy. Even when I lived at my apartment and the door would be unlocked, she would just walk right in and snoop around. She also opens and looks thru my mail that comes at my Godparents house. I've been responsible with my life, ok, since i was fucking nine years old. When she was gone drinking for days at a time, I had to cook for myself, clean, and clothe myself and get myself to school. I left her house when I was 18, lived with her briefly when I was 22, and really helped her out financially and otherwise.
The reason I am going to rehab is because when I was in Hawaii, I was drugged with GHB, and left outside passed out in a hotel lobby, and taken to the hospital because I was barely breathing. My parents think that my drinking had something to do with it, so now I am labeled as a "raging" alcoholic. I like to party on the weekends just like everyone else does, but apparently getting GHB'd happens to just the drunks and alcoholics. They've since talked me into rehab, otherwise they'd have to not be apart of my life. My mom said that after I'm done she's going to get me a good job and she wants me to continue living with her (ahh hell no- I said, living with them drives me crazy). But to appease my parents and not have them worry or be mad at me, I've agreed to rehab.

I have never done anything in my life that I am not responsible for. So please don't assume that I'm not being responsible just because I've been staying at my mom's house for the past two weeks. That wasn't the issue here anyway. The issue is that I think I was fair in asking my mom for a little financial help, $10 a day to watch her kid and do all the chores and do the activities that my mother stated she wanted me to do with her children.

My being 29 has nothing to do with this. This is not a long term situation and I'm not putting my mother out by staying with her.

My question was answered by a few of you, thanks.
 
Time to grab on to the positives which are coming your way. Use this rehab, milk it for everything you can. Learn as much as you can about living and being a functional person. Your addictions and your past do not have to control you anymore. Ask them to help you stop living like it does.

You're 29. You can live cleanly and independently now. Look forward. You've got a great chance coming up.
 
Liesje said:


Then I think it's long past time to move on. Move out, let her deal with her own issues so you can deal with yours. You keep going back to her and you guys are just enabling each other and continuing the vicious cycle. If she's a horrible person, then just tell her you can't be happy living with her and move on. Neither of you owe each other anything.

If you have a problem that requires rehab, then I don't think the mother you are describing is going to be a positive role model and I don't think sticking around is going to be good for you. Surround yourself with people who are supportive of you and also set an example by supporting themselves.

You can't build a life for yourself until you let go of the past.
Click to expand...

My thoughts exactly, which is why I'm moving in with a friend tomorrow.

And since I told her that today, she is livid and you should see her face. She swears that I'm going to rescind on my agreement to treatment and swears that I'm not going to make it without her.
I told her that if it wasn't for her "ultimatum" I would still have a job and still have my apartment. I gave all that up for treatment, so why in the world would i rescind my agreement now? Gah!
 
absintheminded said:


You're being a little hypocritical here. I am twenty nine years old, not a kid, she has no right to invade my privacy, I've been clean and sober, ON MY OWN, for almost over a month. I'm 29 years old, I shouldn't have a babysitter. Yet, I am treated like a kid when I am around her. I have no privacy. Even when I lived at my apartment and the door would be unlocked, she would just walk right in and snoop around.
Click to expand...

I don't know how I'm being hypocritical. :shrug:

Maybe her problem is just trying to make up for lost time and is just trying to look out for you. Maybe not.

Anyways, just take care of yourself and be careful.
 
Don't get married if you don't want to do dishes and laundry that aren't yours. :shrug:

You say you're 29 yet your replies here sound like someone much younger.

You fucked up, you drink too much, you can't keep an apartment, and you moved back in with a dysfunctional family. And to every piece of advice you have a whiny answer. It's time to grow up, get over some shit, and move on.
 
Well you strongly reminded me that I was 29 years old. Then you said it was perfectly fine for my mother to go thru my cell phone to prevent me from making any further mistakes, aka babysitting.

That does not sound like the right way of teaching someone not to make mistakes.

Liesj was right, my mother is not a good strong sober support system, my counselor even told said this. The way she does things is suffocation, caging me. It forces me to seek out destructive behavior and it is NOT good to go that route with anyone, regardless of drug/alcohol history. He strongly suggested that I never live with her again, and that it might be a good idea after rehab that I cut ties with her, if my sobriety was that important to me.

I think she is trying to make up for lost time, but i've told her time and time again that that time when I needed her is gone and to stop trying. But like i said, she is trying to say that i owe her for living with her, while it was HER idea, and she was the one who talked me into all of this.
Now I see that it was a mistake. I am doing basically everything that a stay at home mom does, yet I am being provided a couch and asked to pay rent. So I'm crazy to think that this is ridiculous?

And then when I ask for $10 a day for gas/entertainment to take the kids around, it's even more preposterous?
 
Right, get away from your mom and leave it be. That means quit with the blaming and guilt tripping, it won't get either of you anywhere. You don't owe her anything and if you want her off your back, you should really just not speak to her unless you can both speak about things other than the past and trying to blame each other or guilt each other. People can so easily become addicted to the pain they cause each other, because then you always have a way to blame your way out of your problems. Take Angela's advice and focus on rehab, not what your mom thinks. Start completely over.
 
martha said:
Don't get married if you don't want to do dishes and laundry that aren't yours. :shrug:

You say you're 29 yet your replies here sound like someone much younger.

You fucked up, you drink too much, you can't keep an apartment, and you moved back in with a dysfunctional family. And to every piece of advice you have a whiny answer. It's time to grow up, get over some shit, and move on.
Click to expand...

Did you not read the circumstances? Obviously you didn't. I was GHB'd and my parents thought that I have a bad problem with drinking. My mother told me that if I didn't quit my job, leave my apartment and go to rehab, I would be disowned.

I didn't fuck up. I don't drink too much, and I did keep my own place for years and years, I've been on my own since I was 18 years old, even moved out of state twice. My counselor said that while it's a good idea to enter rehab to get a piece of reality, ie I don't have to go out every weekend, he never stated that I have a bad problem with drinking. It didn't interfere with my work, my relationships, nothing. The fact is, I was drugged by someone at a nightclub then when I passed out, he just left me in the hotel lobby, face flat on the floor, hardly breathing.
My parents at the time of scheduling the rehab, didn't know I was drugged, so they came to the conclusion that I have a bad problem.
I was explaining. Not whining. I have never whined as a child, and I don't now.
I should also remind myself that people on this forum do not know me personally and do not know what I went through as a child, so even though your hasty replies are a bit snappy, you just don't know what really went on in my life. And if you did know me, know that I'm not whining. I just explain why I think you're wrong. It's fine to have the opinion you have. That's why I came here.
 
Liesje said:
Right, get away from your mom and leave it be. That means quit with the blaming and guilt tripping, it won't get either of you anywhere. You don't owe her anything and if you want her off your back, you should really just not speak to her unless you can both speak about things other than the past and trying to blame each other or guilt each other. People can so easily become addicted to the pain they cause each other, because then you always have a way to blame your way out of your problems. Take Angela's advice and focus on rehab, not what your mom thinks. Start completely over.
Click to expand...

The weird thing is I AM looking forward to rehab. And the relationship with my mother just doesn't help, so I'm really starting to consider leaving state after I'm out and not talking to her at all for awhile.
My counselor told me that I need to start taking control over my decisions and maybe leaving my mother would be the best way to start that.
Although my mother said, again, that if I leave state, she won't help me when I need help, and that she won't let me leave state, she said to her husband, "She thinks she's going to leave state after she's done with rehab." And they both laughed. She doesn't know that the real reason why I want to leave is her.

This two weeks is going to go by fast! But I've been sober for five weeks now, so the month is going to go by just fine.

I'm not Lindsay Lohan here, not going to a club right after I'm out.
 
Did they find GHB in your system at the hospital? How did your parent's not know?

And why did you agree to quit if you don't think you have a problem?
 
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