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Old 07-26-2010, 02:45 PM   #21
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i don't have children but will at some point. i don't see anything wrong with one solitary smack to the backside when they act up, but i don't think i could do more than that.
Yeah that. Not that I plan on having kids, but I feel that a smack on the butt is fine when necessary.

We used to get the belt, the spatula (from my Italian mother) a backhand across the face at dinner if we didnt eat our food or acted up (from Dad) or a pinch to the leg in the car on vacation... etc. My parents didnt 'beat' us, but we were definitely punished by force as well as getting grounded, or things taken away. Times have certainly changed now and if parents did all that nowadays they'd get arrested.

In this day and age and from what I've witnessed with my 4 year old nephew, is that if he doesnt listen or talks back, he gets things taken away... no toys or no desert, or no we are not going to the park now, things like that. And rewarding by telling him if you eat all your food you get desert, or you can pick out a toy if you poop in the toilet. It seems to be going ok and he listens to his parents the majority of the time because he knows they will take things away if he doesnt listen.

It's kind of hard though because his parents are not together so his disciplining is slightly different, a bit more strict when he's with my brother I think because of our upbringing compared to the upbringing of his mom.
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Old 07-26-2010, 03:00 PM   #22
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Like BVS I've experienced both "spanking in anger" (okay, it was straight up abuse. Fortunately it was mostly when I was too young to remember. What I remember from that time is just being scared all the time) and what I would consider appropriate spanking. The former was from my dad, who we left when I was seven and the latter was from my mom. My mom only spanked me three times that I can recall and to this day I remember exactly what I was spanked for (which might indicate what an impact it made). Once was for swinging on a towel rack until it broke after being warned repeatedly not to do it. The second time was because I called my mom an "ass" to see what would happen. Needless to say, I found out. Third, was when I hit my sister. My mom was determined that we would understand that hitting a girl was never, ever acceptable.

The spankings themselves I don't recall--it was a probably a few swats from this evil looking buckle-less belt that she kept coiled up like a snake on the top shelf of her bedroom closet.

My son is two, and I don't think we've ever given him a spanking so far. He's too young, I think. When he's older we may use it, but if we do it will be as rare as it was with my mom and it won't be done in anger. The idea of spanking only in cases of outright and repeated defiance, blatant disrespect, and when the safety of my son or someone else is at stake seems reasonable to me.

I would also add that spanking is most effective for a limited time in a child's life when they are old enough to know what they are doing, but not so old that reasoning alone is a sufficient deterent.

That's my take anyway.
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Old 07-26-2010, 04:50 PM   #23
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I would also add that spanking is most effective for a limited time in a child's life when they are old enough to know what they are doing, but not so old that reasoning alone is a sufficient deterent.


this seems very perceptive to me.

i'm not a parent, but i'm interested. i'd probably come down on the anti-spanking side of things. but this makes sense.
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:17 PM   #24
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Interesting replies!

I like how some people are against spanking, but some see it as a necessity.
I'm neither. I'm not vehemently against it though I don't plan on doing it to my kids. I know plenty of people who spank or got spanked and did not grow up in fear of physical punishment. Nor do I see it as a necessity. I just think that the same level of consequence can be achieved a different way, or, the bad behavior can be prevented altogether. It's not really the spanking that would bother me, but that the child's behavior escalated to that level.
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:29 PM   #25
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Do you or could you ever spank your children? How do you discipline your child without resorting to physical discipline? Does it work?
Never had to.
The kids have been very good about listening to us and if they don't, then we resort at taking away some their valuable things; i.e. Wii time, Poptropica, etc.

I've seen worse than physical discipline, I have seen verbal and mental abuse which I believe stays with them longer and it creates bigger scars. I just do not understand how parents can do this to THEIR children.
All in all, we've been very lucky with our kids...but I would never "spank" them if it came to that scenario.
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Old 07-26-2010, 08:22 PM   #26
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I'm a parent and never spanked my son. He had clear cut rules and learned by example.
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Old 07-26-2010, 09:53 PM   #27
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I've seen worse than physical discipline, I have seen verbal and mental abuse which I believe stays with them longer and it creates bigger scars.


i hear that.

there's a big difference between a smack on the bottom, and a slap across the face. the force could be totally equal, and the intention the same, but the effect on a child is, i think, dramatically different.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:08 PM   #28
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It should be noted that I do not mind disciplining other people's brats.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:13 PM   #29
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It should be noted that I do not mind disciplining other people's brats.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:22 PM   #30
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i hear that.

there's a big difference between a smack on the bottom, and a slap across the face. the force could be totally equal, and the intention the same, but the effect on a child is, i think, dramatically different.
I don't remember being spanked, not sure if I ever was (but I don't think my parents were absolutely opposed to it), but BOY do I remember getting slapped! I was backtalking and being disrespectful which was not normal for me, I can look back and laugh about it because I really did deserve it.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:52 PM   #31
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Pearl, there was a really interesting thread about this topic in here, a few years ago.

I come down on the anti-spanking side, for several reasons. My main objection is its usefulness versus the potential harm it could cause, and I think the latter outweighs the former, in most cases. I feel that when taking the distinction between spanking in anger, and spanking in a more calm way as a form of punishment into account, it's the parents who spank in anger who rely on it as a more regular form of punishment, whereas those who do it rarely but in a more calm fashion are the kinds of parents who have better tools for correction available in their parental arsenal.

Ali and Lies made really good points in their posts, and that's the form of parenting that I prefer and have used with great success. Consistency is very, very important, and the consequence for any action has to be logical - for example, if you misbehave in the store, we leave immediately, and next time, you don't get to come with me.

The parent - child relationship is the only one in our society where it's permissible for one person to hit another, and that's never made one bit of sense to me.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:01 PM   #32
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The parent - child relationship is the only one in our society where it's permissible for one person to hit another, and that's never made one bit of sense to me.
Does this mean I can bring charges against my older brother?
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:32 PM   #33
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Does this mean I can bring charges against my older brother?
Sure...?

But you know what I mean, right? Other than children fighting amongst themselves, any person who hits another can be charged with assault. It just seems odd to me that our most vulnerable aren't protected in this way.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:48 PM   #34
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The parent - child relationship is the only one in our society where it's permissible for one person to hit another, and that's never made one bit of sense to me.
Let's exclude hitting in anger for a moment though (since I don't think anyone here is arguing for that) and then ask is there any other kind of hitting besides spanking that doesn't come from anger?

Is the measured, single swat across the behind really equivalent to any other type of violence?
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Old 07-27-2010, 12:04 AM   #35
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Is the measured, single swat across the behind really equivalent to any other type of violence?
I think this comes back to your rather insightful comment about them not being old enough to reason with; There probably isn't an equivalent because the situation is so specific
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Old 07-27-2010, 12:22 AM   #36
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I will chime in. I was spanked a lot...and I deserved it every time but one(my sister lied about something...but reputation follows you). I stole, hit kids/sibling/parents with the wiffle ball bat in anger, rode my bike across the busy street without permission...on purpose, you name it I did it. So, spanking maybe didn't quite work on me, huh? (I was a bad-ass.)

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If one wants to teach their children that physical pain and humiliation is an appropriate way to solve problems and that fear and mistrust molds acceptable behaviour over the long-term then spanking is probably the way to go.
I have always been interested in this idea. When exactly did things change? Lots of people my age were spanked, and don't spank.

Thinking about childhood, the way we boys sorted things out with bullies or whatever was to duke it out. We didn't tell anyone about it, unless we got caught. We roughed each other up, someone lost, and in a couple of days, we'd play baseball with each other again. Now days, kids tell parents, parents call principals, and principals stand at bus stops to keep kids safe.

My point with all this is: Things are different, but what made the change? Do kids have too much power/choice? Are parents too over-protective? Or, have we just found another/better way?
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Old 07-27-2010, 12:26 AM   #37
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Let's exclude hitting in anger for a moment though (since I don't think anyone here is arguing for that) and then ask is there any other kind of hitting besides spanking that doesn't come from anger?

Is the measured, single swat across the behind really equivalent to any other type of violence?
You're right, it probably isn't. But then that takes it back to my other point, that parents who employ it in that way are probably the ones least likely to need to. If "swatting" is that rarely used by the parent, they're obviously doing something right, and have other parenting methods they could use.
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Old 07-27-2010, 11:05 AM   #38
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I don't remember being spanked, not sure if I ever was (but I don't think my parents were absolutely opposed to it), but BOY do I remember getting slapped! I was backtalking and being disrespectful which was not normal for me, I can look back and laugh about it because I really did deserve it.


and my memories are the opposite. the few times i was slapped, i remember being shocking and humiliating and i don't think i deserved it. from what i can remember about being spanked was that it was a fairly clear consequence for a particular infraction, and while i dreaded the pain of the spanking, at least i knew what it was and it was coming. the slaps were just out of left field and looking back, that's what fills me with anger and resentment, not the spanking.

now that i've shared too much ...
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Old 07-27-2010, 11:08 AM   #39
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made you bitter towards your parent/s?
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Old 07-27-2010, 11:36 AM   #40
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I only remember one time in my life when my Mom attempted to swat my behind on the street and I was running ahead of her, holding my butt in my hands.

We were not physically disciplined in any way, frankly I think a stern look from my father, who was not the most jovial of people, was enough.

I also find pre-planned spanking to be kind of weird, to be honest. I just don't think I have it in me to schedule a spanking like that, there is something really premeditated about it that makes me extremely uncomfortable.
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