lady luck said:
It's great that you change your signature so often!
what is the one you have now?
I really appreciate you asking
But, oddly enough, I wonder if I should change it again...
Regardless, the one I have right now sort of has to do with a certain moment in my life. But be warned, it's sort of um..... sappy.
The first part has to do with my upcoming birthday. I'll be "an adult" soon... But there is sort of a contradiction. Because while there is that sense of responsability, etc., there is something else that makes me feel like a total child....
I'm sort of in an impossible relationship, to say the least. I won't get into it too much, but the person involved has a huge hold on me. I feel like a fool because I feel so strongly about it, about her, yet at the same time, it is almost a fact that nothing will ever come out of it. At least not any time soon. And I wonder about it a lot...
I wonder if it is better to just let go, and go our separate ways. If we meet up later in life, then maybe it was "meant to be". We can't do very much right now, especially since we are so far apart. But at the same time- and this has to do with being a child- I so totally and completely do not want to let go in any way.
"I want them so much, regardless of how unlikely they are"
Part of me thinks it's noble or valiant to try and keep it going, because what I think I have is really special. Honestly, I have never thought about someone the way I think about her, and if I could choose to be with her, I would. But I can't make that choice, at least not now, and maybe not for a long time.
"And like a child I need to focus on what needs to be done right here and now"
This means that I still have to worry about what I can directly control. I'm sort of questioning my maturity, because to be mature is to take care of what needs to be taken care of first. But I procrastinate a lot recently, and sometimes I find myself longing for the future, be it colllege or just thinking about being with her.
"And like a child I seek shelter for my blazing heart"
Here I question if it's just infatuation, or if I'm just wounded or something. I really don't understand this connection I have with this other person... or why I think about her the way I do. I don't understand a lot of things about it. But just from an emotional standpoint, it's so very strong, and sometimes I have to really try to not think about her. I find mysef longing for her tenderness, and just to be close to her... But still, keep in mind, it all seems so impossible... so it's very confusing, and perhaps I make too much out of it all. In fact, I am certain that I do. But I cannot deny what I feel, either.
"I believe in the fantasy"
We have a sort of shared dream, her and I. I think deep down we both want the same things, when it comes to talking about the core things in life. And that's why I think about her the way I do. I really think we could make it, if we could get the chance... And it's just about believing in all the great things that love could be. I know it would take work and compromise, it wouldn't be rainbows and smiles all the time. But I think she is someone I could live with for a long, long time, and be happy with that. In all reality, it is such a fantasy that it is almost unreal. But there is still one thing that makes me wonder ----
"I feel like it's the only thing that matters"
Sometimes I get totally overwhelmed by it. I realize that I am the kind of person who would really like to be in a commited relationship. I sort of didn't like this part about me for a while, but then I realized that I am just that way. I don't like playing games, I don;t like things that don't have meaning.
what I wonder about sometimes, and what makes it so hard to just say "alright, lets end this now and just stop",
it's that the possibility of it working out, however small
is so much worth risking the dissapointment of it not working out.
It's a risk, but it's one that I feel, for me, is worth taking.
And if I just let go and said good by, I would always regret doing so.
=================
The truth is, I want her to be happy. So if our relationship, or whatever it may be, is causing her too much stress or trouble, I would gladly end it. I can't be selfish like that. I care about her in such a way that I just want the best for her. (For me, that's sort of how I know she means a lot for me). I would want her to be happy even if I was only a distant friend.
So if we need to go our separate ways, I will be okay with that. But who knows.... the world could change tomorrow.
If I had my choice, I'd be with her right now. But it's not my choice, so I will have to play the cards I've been dealt.
The whole situation is like, "here is a chance at everything you ever hoped to find in another person. But it is not a garuntee, nor possible in the immediate future."
So, I certainly want to keep in touch at the very least, because, say, 20 years down the road, she is someone I would still want to know in life, no matter what. That being said, I cannot focus on too much, because at the moment it is not a major part of my immediate world.
It's like looking at a star in the nights sky. If you look at it too much, you won't get anywhere because you are not focused on the ground in front of you. So you need to watch where you are going. BUt if you are really lucky, and things work out, you might have the oppertunity to find something. If you are really lucky, the right person will be looking at that same star and going on that same path that you are.
But you still need to watch where you are going.
I don't want to loose sight of the star, and I must look where I am headed as well. We are both the same way.
--------------------
Lastly, the "wish" is about my birthday wish
I never before wished for something that was really out there. I always wished for like good health or whatever,, or like for my family, or when I was little, for a certain toy or whatever.
But now, I feel childish, but in a good way, because my wish is for something really worthy of a wish. It's more like asking a dream to come true. I've never really asked for a dream to come true, and that is perhaps because I never had any real dreams.
But Friday, when I make my birthday wish, I think it will be the first time in my life that I really wanted something enough that I would actually wish for it.
and all the while, I know I just have to keep doing what I need to do. I can't worry about whether or not my wish will come true. It's not up to me, basically.
But I've never had something so worhty of a wish, either