lady luck said:
I had the feeling it was a built-up city, full of surgery, false things and all that stuff.
Not to sound unpatriotic - I respect my country a lot, and thankful for all the privledges and rights I do have.........
But I feel that way a great deal of the time
I could write 1000's of words about that, but..... there is no use in whining, or complaining about it...
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Me and moving on........
Well, for one thing, I'll be going to college in January - which I am looking forward to a lot. I can't wait for that. So that is about 4 months away, really.
I'm doing a lot of waiting, passing the time, etc. That's what it feels like to me. But also, I have just now "moved out" of my home, so to say, but moved into my home. It sounds strange, but my family is rather unique. Essentially, I live with my mother, and it is just her and I during the week days. During the weekends, I would come see my father, and stay at the house there. As long as I have lived, there has always been that division of time, every week going from one place to another (I think that effected me a lot in different ways, but that's another story, too). Now, after my Father and Stepmother have divorced, my stepmother has the house, and my father in his own apartment.
Seeing how I'm going to college, my mother wouldn't be able to keep up her house alone, so, she will be moving in with her sister, which is good, as they get along very well together.
So now, I will be staying with my stepmother for the next 4 months, which is a good transition, and makes it easier on everyone that way. I kind of am going to enjoy it... I never really liked where I lived. It was not a bad place, just...... rather desolate, sort of lonely, and there weren't many people around.
So yes, now I am staying with my stepmother for a while, which is great, because we get along so well. (She is a Sagitarius, just like my mother!) Those two, my mom, and stepmother are so similar! It's kind of funny. But they are each special in their own way, you know? And I care about them both a lot.
I'm worried about my mom, because she's going to be alone (well, not alone), but, I won't be there, and the house will be kind of lonely for a week or so. But that's alright. She was happy to see me go, keeping in mind that she is a mother, and is very emotional about everything.............
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So yes, there is that.
And during this summer, I think i've had a lot of personal growth. I've found more of "who I am". Oddly enough, a lot of that has to do with a relationship I had, or perhaps, moving on from it. I don't really know how to talk about it, so I won't. But.... to make a long story short, understanding and accepting not being in love with someone.
I don't know, I don't think I can say if I was or was not. I know what I felt, but...... ah..... it's very, very, very complicated, trust me.
There is also a paradox.
A contradiction of sorts.....
I will do my best to describe it.
In the days after we essentially "went our separate ways", I couldn't listen to love songs, or most music, or watch TV. Anything having to do with relationships was too much. Now, we parted on good terms, great terms. No malice. And perhaps our separation was for the best, in all reality. It is the right thing to do, I realize.
But regardless......... I am a serious lover. I don't like to say "love", because most people don't understand what it means when I say it. So, again, being concise, it took me a while to get over it. But that fact that it was a move for the best, a move for progress, a step in the right direction, and ultimately..... that it was the best thing to do for her, and myself. I believe, and I always will, that if you really care about someone, you do what is right for them, what is best for them. Always.
And....... It was very "With or without you"....... 'you give it all but I want more'.... Essentially, our relationship had gotten to the point where we either needed to be together all the time, or not at all. It was very strong... but.... fortunately or unfortunately, it didn't work out. I was really....... not feeling well about it, because there was nothing I could do. And I hate that feeling. But then I realize that there was nothing WE could do- not just "me". It was always....... more of a dream, our relationship. But a good dream. A worthy dream. There was....... a lot of loving shared, at least on some level, I admit. But you have to wake up from your dreams sometime, and face the day, face reality.
So yeah.... that is a big part of moving on.
The paradox, though............
So yes, after that stage of my life ended, I realize that I'm always going to be very choosy, very selective, very picky about the people that I associate with, and especially so when it comes to dating/romance/love and thereafter. This isn't really an arroagance, though. This isn't "I'm superior to others". NO, this is something much else. I never really understood what it meant to be in love. I did not know the depth of my passions, or how I could love. But now I do. And knowing how you love is really important, because once you know that, you know what you have to look for in other people.
(Side note for later ----- I've been doing a lot of thinking about Love lately, and what it is, what it takes)
But the paradox comes from this -
I have already mentioned my "selectiveness", my careful of who I associate with, etc. I mentioned why I am that way. But there is something else......
Since the end of that 'relationship', I've slowly been feeling better and better. About everything. I've grown a lot... I'm learning how to be happy more, how to smile more. I've realized mostly that I am actually a social person and..........
really, I don't like to spend a lot of time alone.
I've spent more time alone, I think, than anyone should. And I just don't mean socially, I mean.... physically. Just actually being alone in a room, with one other person in a house, on the other side of the house. I also realize that...... living like that for so long - it warped me, and made me weaker, made me strange. It's like not getting enough to eat, or not enough oxygen - you act differently......
So I realized that I am indeed a social person.
I'm still not a complete "extrovert", no, not at all. That isn't me. But I am social, and like socializing, I realize.
Slowly, I've been making more jokes, being more socially involved with everyone. And my personality has gotten a lot better. I'll tell you about my NYC trip in my next post - I realize I've written a lot already!
SO yeah, to sum it up ... I'm going to be very selective about people, very high standards. I'm not going to compromise who I am.... (actually, I realize, that.... although I've said it a lot, it is true - I'm not like most other people. I'm kind of different. Not being arrogant, either, I just am. I've taken a few personality tests and they all say that. I think it's true - I'm most comfortable when I'm being an individual, when I do things my own way, even if it is against the grain). Anyhow.................
So the paradox, yes - - - -
Being uncompromising of my values, standards, being selective about who I associate with, and careful about relationships. At the same time - enjoying everything more; being more social, being more confident and happy, a whole lot more sure of myself and who I am, and just feeling good, and enjoying interacting with other people.
I've done a lot of growing, I think that's what it is. But I'm really happy and proud of the person I am - - - though there is a lot of room for improvement, and I sure do plan on improving. (Also, I've realized I have a certain love of learning now... and I'm beginning to embrace that more.....). But yeah, I'm feeling really good these days.
I wish I could give some of this... happiness to the rest of my family, lol, a lot's happened. But....... I've learned many times that the only thing you control is "you", what you do, how you act. I think everyone has their authentic self to be, and you can only change that so much. You've gotta be the hero in your life, and not be the victim....
(hahaha....... yes, now, to take it all the way back to the top - I feel Americans are too in to "being the victim"... but enough of that for now)
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Ah, lost my train of thought! Got distracted....
Oh, and lastly.........
I just got "Actung Baby!" the other day, and listened to it all the way through. I've heard some of the songs before, and was kind of turned off by the music. But someone here on Interference wrote a really good review, and it was actually really good. I got the lyrics to all the songs, and read the review as I listened to each song, and it was great. Now I understand "Actung Baby" and that period in U2 history.
So yeah, I guess that's all for now.
Wow, I wrote......... quite a bit.
Hope you enjoyed reading, lol
