dazzledbylight
Blue Crack Supplier
It "wasn't supposed to" BE like this.......
AAArrrggggg!!!
#warning# rant ahead....
I think my mom's death is hitting me more now emotionally. I'm still sometimes "zoned out". I am sleeping more , which messes up some of my errand schedual. I defiantely been crying more in total this past week or so, sinse the last 2 days we knew she was probably going to die.
The timing makes "sense"- since I sometimes didn't see her for 4 - 6 weeks at a time, though usually I saw her every 2- 3 weeks. SO that the action of going the long way up (byPublic transit: 2 - 2/ 1/2 hrs each way) was not as often if we'd been in closer neighborhoods....so now it's getting to be the 4th week. Though I'd call her usually 2 - 3 x's a week.
And I didn't see her (till the hospital) for the previous ? 5- 6 weeks (infrequent), which while my sis managed to talk me out of having massive guilt... I still have some on that.
Even though we went through all of this, saw her (even after she had died) ...it's TRUE, but it still feels SO unreal.
I'm not really shocked per se at anything I'm feeling...I've read enough about grief in the past- but it still "gets" me, now that it actaully has come to pass.
One of the things that makes it more upsetting..is that she went in for something she's goine in before for -in a sense- a brerathing problem. I guess the clot partially blocking one of her pulminary atteries...made it worse, besides the heavy amount of phlegm in her chest (lungs).
It was like...in a way...a simialr script, BUT THEN somebody snatched the script AWAY......and REWROTE the last 2/3rds!
One of the most ***WONDERFUL BLESSING for me about m y mom was how she had a often besides a creative mind, a curoius. She had different levels of passion & interest in so many things.
The "TROUBLE/TORMENT" for now is the so many things & situations I'd want to share with her- since we did that SO much..... I forget (even tho I wake up every morning knowing that she's dead) -- like oh! Wait till I tell/show Mo......" And then I remember. And sometimes this happens every 5 minutes when I'm looking at, or involved in certain creative activities.
ANd....i was trying (sometimes hard, somestimes less so- because of other upsets - like that one miserable roommate ruining my homelife at times, ,and of course all the various medical emergencies with her & our dad) to get my various types of artwork back up to speed in ideas/physcial skills, and output levels.
I said to her.... maybe out last regualer visit in the Nursing Hoime or over the phone...I've x years to "retirement" (Social Security- much less than most of you)...but that probably won't be enough to have a comfortable life. So I figured I'd spend the next 2 years ramping up in all these areas- so I'd have (under 10 years) toi get my artisitccareer back on track, and going well.
And NOW she won't even be around to see that! She'd point out what she thought were errors or need improvement in m y work- but she was champion of my art (various kinds). Not that my sis isn't for most of it. ANd my friends and other family support me alot too.
But for those of you also lucky enough to have loving moms /or dads...to lose someone like that .....especially when I feel I haven't reached what I consider sucess......
anyway........ I JUST HAD TO GET MORE OF IT OUT...
*THANKS* in advance.....
III AM looking at & doing enjoyable things. I'mnot always down & out but it's def more these days.
AAArrrggggg!!!
#warning# rant ahead....
I think my mom's death is hitting me more now emotionally. I'm still sometimes "zoned out". I am sleeping more , which messes up some of my errand schedual. I defiantely been crying more in total this past week or so, sinse the last 2 days we knew she was probably going to die.
The timing makes "sense"- since I sometimes didn't see her for 4 - 6 weeks at a time, though usually I saw her every 2- 3 weeks. SO that the action of going the long way up (byPublic transit: 2 - 2/ 1/2 hrs each way) was not as often if we'd been in closer neighborhoods....so now it's getting to be the 4th week. Though I'd call her usually 2 - 3 x's a week.
And I didn't see her (till the hospital) for the previous ? 5- 6 weeks (infrequent), which while my sis managed to talk me out of having massive guilt... I still have some on that.
Even though we went through all of this, saw her (even after she had died) ...it's TRUE, but it still feels SO unreal.
I'm not really shocked per se at anything I'm feeling...I've read enough about grief in the past- but it still "gets" me, now that it actaully has come to pass.
One of the things that makes it more upsetting..is that she went in for something she's goine in before for -in a sense- a brerathing problem. I guess the clot partially blocking one of her pulminary atteries...made it worse, besides the heavy amount of phlegm in her chest (lungs).
It was like...in a way...a simialr script, BUT THEN somebody snatched the script AWAY......and REWROTE the last 2/3rds!
One of the most ***WONDERFUL BLESSING for me about m y mom was how she had a often besides a creative mind, a curoius. She had different levels of passion & interest in so many things.
The "TROUBLE/TORMENT" for now is the so many things & situations I'd want to share with her- since we did that SO much..... I forget (even tho I wake up every morning knowing that she's dead) -- like oh! Wait till I tell/show Mo......" And then I remember. And sometimes this happens every 5 minutes when I'm looking at, or involved in certain creative activities.
ANd....i was trying (sometimes hard, somestimes less so- because of other upsets - like that one miserable roommate ruining my homelife at times, ,and of course all the various medical emergencies with her & our dad) to get my various types of artwork back up to speed in ideas/physcial skills, and output levels.
I said to her.... maybe out last regualer visit in the Nursing Hoime or over the phone...I've x years to "retirement" (Social Security- much less than most of you)...but that probably won't be enough to have a comfortable life. So I figured I'd spend the next 2 years ramping up in all these areas- so I'd have (under 10 years) toi get my artisitccareer back on track, and going well.
And NOW she won't even be around to see that! She'd point out what she thought were errors or need improvement in m y work- but she was champion of my art (various kinds). Not that my sis isn't for most of it. ANd my friends and other family support me alot too.
But for those of you also lucky enough to have loving moms /or dads...to lose someone like that .....especially when I feel I haven't reached what I consider sucess......
anyway........ I JUST HAD TO GET MORE OF IT OUT...
*THANKS* in advance.....
III AM looking at & doing enjoyable things. I'mnot always down & out but it's def more these days.