Weird Place in my Life

[U2fan6313]

This is sort of embarassing, but I feel close to my U2 family and I feel sort of lost so I could use some help...
As of three weeks ago, I officially have depression-anxiety. It started last school year. And now that I'm back at school, it's just gotten worse. I just started medication but I've had to drop two classes because I can't handle all the work. I'm in my fourth year at university going for a Bachelor of Arts in Honours History. I have no idea what I want to do with my life after that in terms of occupations. And I don't think I enjoy school anymore. It's such a burden now... I have several options. I could stop now, graduate with a three year degree, work, and travel. I would be closing some doors, as an Honours degree qualifies me for more than a three-year degree. Or, I could continue to struggle and suffer through my fourth year and come back next year to pick up the dropped credits.
My godmother said I light up when I talk about traveling to Ireland. It's the only thing I know I want. So basically...I'm torn between what I should do, and what I want to do.
And I don't even know if this is the depression/anxiety speaking or it's me. I KNOW the Ireland part is me. I've been dreaming about it for years. I can't focus on school work, but I can spend hours and hours looking up places to visit in Ireland. I have a list. And it's not just about U2. It's so much more than that. I feel drawn to it for some reason. I want to see the Cliffs of Moher, Skilleg Michael, Dublin Castle, the library in Trinity College Dublin...I love Irish history. So I know I love history and I love some of the things I learn in school.
And I always have the option to graduate now with a three year degree and then come back after traveling once I figure out what to do with my life.
But......I just don't even know. I have this and so many other things racing through my mind all the time and I can't even begin to sort through it all. Anyway, any advice or anything would be really appreciated...

 

[redhotswami]

Does your program allow you the opportunity to study abroad in Ireland for a semester?

 

[ryancoke71]

If you can afford to take a year off, that might work for you. I know the honours program is quite heavy, and if you are feeling the strain already, perhaps you need a break. I know many people who have taken a year off and gone back later for it.

So sorry to hear about the depression. I have gone through episodes of it myself, and it can be hell. I hope the cloud lifts soon!

Ireland is on my bucket list too. I have always wanted to visit. Of course U2 is part of the draw, but only a small part. It is such a beautiful country!

Good luck!

 

[Got Philk?]

I think you should go. When you say things like "struggle" and "suffer" for one thing...but then say "light up" for another. I think that says something.

I am convinced that there are just times where one just needs to get away. I'm not saying it will completely heal everything going on in your life, but it may help you figure out where to go next.

Whatever you choose, I hope it is exactly what you need.

 

[financeguy]

Just so you know what you're getting yourself into, Ireland has high unemployment, the economy is fucked and it rains a lot.

On the plus side, yes, there is a lot of culture if you know where to look, the people are friendly, and the winters are a lot milder than Ontario.

 

[VintagePunk]

and the winters are a lot milder than Ontario.

Sold.

 

[U2fan6313]

Does your program allow you the opportunity to study abroad in Ireland for a semester?

Perhaps...if I went through my school I would be able to take a few courses that could count toward my degree. I'm just not sure how much it would cost or even if I want to study...

So sorry to hear about the depression. I have gone through episodes of it myself, and it can be hell. I hope the cloud lifts soon!
Good luck!

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it...

Just so you know what you're getting yourself into, Ireland has high unemployment, the economy is fucked and it rains a lot.

Haha, yes, I know. But for some reason when I look at the pictures, rain or not, it feels like home. I have an aunt from there and I could listen to her talk about it for hours.

I am convinced that there are just times where one just needs to get away. I'm not saying it will completely heal everything going on in your life, but it may help you figure out where to go next. Whatever you choose, I hope it is exactly what you need.

Thank you for your advice and your wishes. It means a lot.

 

[Rachel D.]

I've been through anxiety and depression off and on my whole life; it's very hard, I know. Is yours related to social interaction, or just general anxiety? From my experience, counseling helps because it allows you to talk to someone who understands what you're going through (I got so sick of people telling me "Just relax!" or "What are you so afraid of?" It's not that simple). Also, finding something that you really love to do, anything that occupies your mind, helps to get your focus off of yourself; a trip to Ireland may be what you need if that's what you really want to do. Finally, avoid caffeine, especially if you know you're going to be in a situation where you might get anxious.

If you do have social anxiety disorder, it helps to sit in the front of the class if the class is crowded. I've found that the crowd of people in the room doesn't bother me if I can't see them (it sounds so simple, but it's true!). Since social anxiety disorder is based on a feeling of self-consciousness and the feeling that everyone is judging you, it helps to stop caring what everyone thinks of you. It's hard to do at first, but it doesn't matter what other people are thinking, because they aren't any more important than you are and you aren't any worse than them.

 

[Lila64]

I think you should go. When you say things like "struggle" and "suffer" for one thing...but then say "light up" for another. I think that says something.

I am convinced that there are just times where one just needs to get away. I'm not saying it will completely heal everything going on in your life, but it may help you figure out where to go next.

Whatever you choose, I hope it is exactly what you need.

I like Phil's advice

 

[U2fan6313]

I've been through anxiety and depression off and on my whole life; it's very hard, I know. Is yours related to social interaction, or just general anxiety?

I don't really know. It started in April or May when I was finishing my third year of school. In two weeks, it seemed like every major project was due and I wasn't getting sleep or eating right, and I had just found out my dog had cancer (he died later in the summer) and my grandmother wasn't well. And it started with what I called emotional attacks...hours when I couldn't stop crying and then couldn't do any school work. It was better during the summer when I was home and working, but I was terrified to go back to school because I didn't want to go back to that place. And as soon as I got back it crashed down on me again, except worse. So I got help. But now I'm just not sure if I want to be at school if this is what I have to deal with, especially when right now I don't even know what to do with school when I'm done...

 

[redhotswami]

Perhaps...if I went through my school I would be able to take a few courses that could count toward my degree. I'm just not sure how much it would cost or even if I want to study...

It shouldn't cost you any more than would going to Ireland to be a tourist. If the classes are required for your degree anyway, then it wouldn't be a problem.

If you're looking for some sort of life purpose or direction, then perhaps you can look into volunteer opportunities in Ireland. That will definitely help.

 

[indigo tree]

Ugh. This semester of school has been rough on me, too U2fan. I suffer from pure obsessive compulsive disorder and the thoughts get so distracting that it is very hard to focus on my studies. It causes enough fear and anxiety that I can't motivate myself to do the things I want to do. And for some reason it has caused my self esteem to plummet lower the last two months than it has been in a while.
I know I need therapy; I just need the money to get it.

I really do hope you can make it to Ireland. I have made it a goal myself to live for a few years once I get out of college.

Don't know how much that helps, but at least you know your not alone.

 

[Rachel D.]

I don't really know. It started in April or May when I was finishing my third year of school. In two weeks, it seemed like every major project was due and I wasn't getting sleep or eating right, and I had just found out my dog had cancer (he died later in the summer) and my grandmother wasn't well. And it started with what I called emotional attacks...hours when I couldn't stop crying and then couldn't do any school work. It was better during the summer when I was home and working, but I was terrified to go back to school because I didn't want to go back to that place. And as soon as I got back it crashed down on me again, except worse. So I got help. But now I'm just not sure if I want to be at school if this is what I have to deal with, especially when right now I don't even know what to do with school when I'm done...

I'm sorry to hear about all of these things. Depression often causes anxiety and can be brought on by a lot of emotionally-taxing events like the ones you described. It's good that you are talking about your depression and not bottling it up. If you really feel like the school you are at now is more of a burden than a benefit, then maybe you really should take a break from it for now; you could always finish later and even transfer somewhere else. It could be that a trip to Ireland is what you need right now if that's what you really want. It might help you to gain new insight and find a new direction. Once, in a moment of hopelessness, I was inspired by the phrase from the Bible, "Behold, I make all things new." A new beginning is always possible; have faith and don't lose hope!

 

[U2fan6313]

If you're looking for some sort of life purpose or direction, then perhaps you can look into volunteer opportunities in Ireland. That will definitely help.

I will look into that. Thank you for the idea!

Ugh. This semester of school has been rough on me, too U2fan. I suffer from pure obsessive compulsive disorder and the thoughts get so distracting that it is very hard to focus on my studies. It causes enough fear and anxiety that I can't motivate myself to do the things I want to do. And for some reason it has caused my self esteem to plummet lower the last two months than it has been in a while.
I know I need therapy; I just need the money to get it.

I really do hope you can make it to Ireland. I have made it a goal myself to live for a few years once I get out of college.

Don't know how much that helps, but at least you know your not alone.

It does help, thank you so much. At least we're in it together. I definitely understand about the low self esteem thing... Anyway, I very much hope your situation gets better...I know it's rough.

I'm sorry to hear about all of these things. Depression often causes anxiety and can be brought on by a lot of emotionally-taxing events like the ones you described. It's good that you are talking about your depression and not bottling it up. If you really feel like the school you are at now is more of a burden than a benefit, then maybe you really should take a break from it for now; you could always finish later and even transfer somewhere else. It could be that a trip to Ireland is what you need right now if that's what you really want. It might help you to gain new insight and find a new direction. Once, in a moment of hopelessness, I was inspired by the phrase from the Bible, "Behold, I make all things new." A new beginning is always possible; have faith and don't lose hope!

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your kind words and advice.

 

[Purplereign]

I like Phil's advice

I can't really add anymore, because any thoughts I had whilst reading your thoughts have already been expressed by the lovely folk who posted here before me

All I will add is a pocketful of sunshine and a bunch of happy thoughts being sent your way ~ depression and anxiety really are the pits and I hope you manage to find a light within that points you in the direction that will ultimately make you happy ~ I wish you nothing but love, luck and light

 

[U2fan6313]

All I will add is a pocketful of sunshine and a bunch of happy thoughts being sent your way ~ depression and anxiety really are the pits and I hope you manage to find a light within that points you in the direction that will ultimately make you happy ~ I wish you nothing but love, luck and light

Thank you so much!


And thanks again to everyone who responded. I think stopping school for now, working, and traveling is where my heart it. I'm going to try to hold off on that desicion until December, but my performance at school has significantly gone downhill even in the last week. At the beginning of the semester I told one of my professors what's going on, and he gave me a week extension on the first assignment (he's amazing - my favourite prof). That week is now up, and I haven't even started the assignment. I can't focus. I can't get motivated to do anything and I'm so tired because I haven't been sleeping right. *sigh* this sucks...

 

[U2fan6313]

Just thought I'd update those who responded...

Last week was very rough. With housemate drama, family stress, plus just a bad few days with the depression, I wasn't in a great place. Additionally, school was awful, mostly because last Wednesday was the extended due date of an assignment that I hadn't even started. And Friday, also a due date and one that I wasn't able to make.

So I went home this past weekend and did a lot of thinking. And I've decided to withdraw from school now. I can't handle it because I can't focus on work or get anything accomplished. My counsellor and a professor I talked to both think it's a good idea, and my parents fully support the desicion. I'm just worried people will think I'm giving up.... I just talked to my dad on the phone and he said not to worry about it, but that's easier said than done I suppose. But the thing is, I'm not giving up. I just need a change of scenery and a chance to get better. I can't do that when I'm stressed out about school all the time. And it's not like I'm walking away with nothing. I will have my Bachelor of Arts degree in history. It will just be a three year degree instead of four. And I only really need the four year degree to get a Masters, which I don't want at this point anyway. And if I ever did, my academic advisor says I would have no trouble getting accepted back for a year. Anyway...my plan is to get a job and work for a while to earn some money to travel next year. And then hopefully by that point I'll know what I want to do.
I feel like this is the right move. But the anxiety is just twisting it and making my gut churn. The annoying part is every person I've talked to - friends, family, professionals - all think it's a good idea and yet I'm sitting here crying thinking people will think less of me.

Anyway...just thought I'd update you all. Thanks for the support. I love my U2 family. They're the best.

 

[ryancoke71]

All the best my dear! Making the decision is the hard part! It sounds like you have people around you that offer great support! Wishing you all the best!

 

[Rachel D.]

All right, Bachelor of Arts! That's what I have, too.

I hope things go well for you!

 

[U2fan6313]

Thank you both. I really appreciate it!

 

[MsPurrl]

I agree with the suggestions that others have made, but I have one more. I was feeling like you do last spring: overwhelmed, not sleeping, feeling like crying all the time. When I saw my doctor for my six-month blood work, I told her. She asked me if I ever felt like harming myself (NO! I like myself too much for that! ), and then asked me if I would consider trying a lose dosage of an anti-depressant. I agreed. For about two weeks, I didn't feel any different, then one morning I realized--hey!--I don't feel like crying anymore!

I know that pharmaceuticals aren't the answer for everyone; just something to consider. And I share your feeling and thoughts about Ireland--finally made the trip last summer, and would very much like to go back!

 

[U2fan6313]

I know that pharmaceuticals aren't the answer for everyone; just something to consider. And I share your feeling and thoughts about Ireland--finally made the trip last summer, and would very much like to go back!

Glad you made the trip to Ireland! I can't wait until I have enough money to go. I'm aiming for September-October of next year.

And thanks for your suggestion! I actually am on an anti-depressant. So far, it hasn't really helped but I know it takes a while. Hopefully I will start to notice the difference soon.

Thanks, MsPurrl!

 

[cathou_u2]

Hey! I thought I'd offer some advice, but it's really a bit more my own point of view as I'm going through the same thing!

I started uni last year, I was studying politics (Bono is very convincing!) planning to do law afterwards, as I didn't have the grades to get accepted straight ahead into law school. But long story short, the first semester was hell, by the midterms I was bawling my eyes out like twice a week , and like you did, didn't sleep much, drank too much coffee and just kept plummeting down and down with decreasing motivation, isolation... see the cycle here?! I'll always remember just crying to my mom in the car telling her how I wasn't sure if that was really what I wanted to do anymore, I was just so sick of it all... She told me to finish the semester, as best as I could, I could think about it all when I was properly rested and had a clearer head during the xmas break.

And although for the next semester I finally settled on a minor, English lit which I adore, I was just so terrified of going through what I'd experienced during the first semester, that I adopted kind of a "who cares?" attitude for certain classes. You see how I went from one end of the spectrum, going nuts over it all, to "whatever!". So here's the thing, one fine morning while walking to my Russian lit class, I had an epiphany psychology was what I really interested in. I'd always loved it and only changed plans when I was 16 or so when I figured that I couldn't work in a tiny office and travel the world I hadn't heard about "compromises" back then

So, to finish my little story here, I'm now in psychology and I finally feel like I belong where I am. Of course I'm still dealing with some mild social anxiety (that's another story) but I'm feeling SO much better than last year. Plus, I've decided that next summer I'm going to Ireland You can't wait for others to give you what you really want, sometimes you have to go for it yourself So I'd say, listen to that tiny voice wispering in your pushing you to do what you really love above all else and forget that controlling "mind" of yours that keeps giving you excuses, that's what I'm trying to do, that might be helpful for you too...

Whatever you decide, don't worry, you'll feel it when it feels just right. Btw, I've had choruses of "go for it!" from my family & friends both about psychology & Ireland, sometimes those people are right

Good luck, you're not alone!
Cath

 

[Valoria]

I'm somewhat new to these forums, and just read through these threads. Like you, I also suffer frequently with depression, and in my case, generalized anxiety. I worry about pretty much everythng, especially health, money and my future. While this is a continuining battle for me, there are some things that have helped, and hopefully would help you, as well: One, as has been mentioned, is a change of scenery, getting away (which is your goal, in going to Ireland); another is being out in nature, and I also derive comfort from finding a project or purpose with which to focus. Maybe since you are planning to go to Ireland, you could continue to research where you'd like to go, and maybe create a "Ireland trip" folder, and put stuff into the folder, like write-ups, photos, etc. I find that creative work toward some goal I have always keeps me immersed and focused. Also, did you mention you have an aunt in Ireland? Have you been in touch with her about you interest in visiting Ireland? Just thinking she could perhaps be a connection for you or someone you can plan your trip with...Anyway, I hope you are doing better!

 

[nothing_left]

First off, I'm sorry for all the bad things you got by. It had to be very hard, but I'm glad to read that you're quite ok at the moment.
I also think you should go to Ireland. You won't forget that journey. And when you come back to home, you'll know what to do with your life.
Two years ago I was there too and felt like home. It was like outter space! I felt completed in 100 per cent. And then I was like missing something. I'm sure it wasn't my first an last time there. One day...
All the best! And be brave! Everything's gonna be ok even tough you can't imagine it right now!

 

[U2fan6313]

Whatever you decide, don't worry, you'll feel it when it feels just right. Btw, I've had choruses of "go for it!" from my family & friends both about psychology & Ireland, sometimes those people are right
Good luck, you're not alone!
Cath

Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it!

Maybe since you are planning to go to Ireland, you could continue to research where you'd like to go, and maybe create a "Ireland trip" folder, and put stuff into the folder, like write-ups, photos, etc. I find that creative work toward some goal I have always keeps me immersed and focused. Also, did you mention you have an aunt in Ireland? Have you been in touch with her about you interest in visiting Ireland? Just thinking she could perhaps be a connection for you or someone you can plan your trip with...Anyway, I hope you are doing better!

I LOVE that idea! I love scrapbooking, and my counselor said this would be a great project for me, so thank you. As for my aunt, she was born in Ireland but has lived here for 50 years or so and hasn't been back. But I'm planning on asking her about it all the same.

All the best! And be brave! Everything's gonna be ok even tough you can't imagine it right now!

Thank you.


And just so everyone here knows, I have officially withdrawn from this semester of school so I'm no longer in classes and I'm looking for a job. The fact that I already feel a bit better and am relieved to not have to worry about school shows that I made the right choice. And I am thankful to all of you who helped me reach that desicion, and just for the support you've given me. Thank you!

 

[nothing_left]

You welcome .
If it makes you happier, then I'm glad because of it. Hoping some day you'll find something worth living. Maybe Ireland?

 

[cathou_u2]

Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it!

My pleasure!
Last year, you would've told me that I wasn't the only one going through such a terrible experience, and I would've laughed or denied it, but it's comforting to know that at least you're not the only one dealing with such confusion & despair!

"Whenever you see darkness, there is an extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter." - Bono

 

[U2fan6313]

You welcome .
If it makes you happier, then I'm glad because of it. Hoping some day you'll find something worth living. Maybe Ireland?

I hope so! I'm going to start saving up right now!

My pleasure!
Last year, you would've told me that I wasn't the only one going through such a terrible experience, and I would've laughed or denied it, but it's comforting to know that at least you're not the only one dealing with such confusion & despair!

"Whenever you see darkness, there is an extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter." - Bono

That quote literally made my week. Thank you so much!

 

[cathou_u2]

That quote literally made my week. Thank you so much!

I've plenty of Bono's quotes! Such an inspiring individual

And here's another one for the road:
"I love that idea that you can start again, that you don't have to go down the same route. You can turn right or left or keep going. Probably the only thing you can't do is stay still."

That's something I'm trying to tell myself every morning, because I'm tired and done with carrying the same old baggage of issues day in, day out.
To wake up and start the day fresh with bubbling anticipation is a good thing!