Varitek
Blue Crack Addict
So my day just turned into a really, really bad day.
Slightly relevant background, just writing it out for my own examination mostly: The story is, (as discussed in the perfectionist thread), I used to do all my work, do it as best as I could, and do it well, and get good results (grades, college, etc.) But I burned out, and going to a college with a totally different and wonderful educational philosophy didn't change this. Freshman fall I had pretty easy classes, I slacked off a little (was really late with one paper), and did almost as well as I could have. Freshman spring I was late with several other papers, did lots of things at the last minute, and not nearly as well as I could have. I told myself that the activist work I was doing (on Darfur) was what was bringing me down, because it was more work than an extra class. Now for someone with my history of performance and at a really good school (and I realize I am lucky to even be in this position at all), this sucked. I travelled for the summer, change of pace, and when I got back I vowed to do my work on time. Not 3 weeks into the semester I was the victim of an accident involving a drunk frat pledge that was very debilitating (head/neck injury, headaches, tired all the time) and got very behind on my work. Of course professors were understanding, but as 2 classes dragged incomplete into the spring and I didn't want to bring the spring semester down by doing 2 semesters work at once, I just ignored them. I ended up with grades last spring like my Freshman fall grades, never was late with anything but always very very very last minute and could have gotten better grades across the board. The other two classes dragged into the summer, and one I finished towards the end of the summer (again my mindset was, why let that asshole and that accident ruin my summer?) and got a B in the class when I should have had an A, the other is still incomplete on my record. This semester I'm abroad and classes aren't nearly as work intensive as I'm used to.
Now I was probably PTSD and depressed a little because of the accident last fall, and my already weird sleep cycle (basically I can never get to sleep) got worse, making me more tired, less quality work, etc.
The Wake Up Call: I applied for a very valuable, prestigious and useful connectionswise scholarship this month. Several people I know (the dean of my college, a friend who has it) think I would be perfect for it. I procrastinated terribly on the application, right up until the last minute, not enough time to have my friend on the scholarship edit it or anything. You have to be nominated by your school to be considered for it, and there's the application and an interview. My interviews usually kill, but I'm abroad and over the phone and they had connection troubles so it was late and shorter which flustered me. Short of it, I was rejected just now.
Usually, I procrastinate, it turns out OK. I get by. I get an a- instead of an a, or maybe a b+. The consequences of this won't really hit me until I apply to grad school some time in the foggy future, so this never got to me. But this scholarship would have been immensely helpful, useful, and probably partially for my procrastinated gpa, for my half-assed application, I lost an incredible, incredible chance.
If you're still reading, haha, here's where I'm asking for support and not just writing a diary. I've got it. I fucked up. I could have had this, should have had this, and I fucked up. Maybe someday I'll look back and say, getting rejected for that scholarship was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I woke up, got better grades, got this fellowship or that scholarship down the road, got into the best grad school, etc. Maybe. But how do I get there from here? Every time I get a grade I know could have been better, I just think I'll do better next time or next semester... and maybe it lasts a few weeks, to the first paper deadline. But then I slip back into my rut. How do I get out of my rut? I'm more awake than I've ever been, but I've never been able to follow through before.
In the meantime, I'm trying to remind myself
And you can dream
So dream out loud
And don't let the bastards grind you down
Slightly relevant background, just writing it out for my own examination mostly: The story is, (as discussed in the perfectionist thread), I used to do all my work, do it as best as I could, and do it well, and get good results (grades, college, etc.) But I burned out, and going to a college with a totally different and wonderful educational philosophy didn't change this. Freshman fall I had pretty easy classes, I slacked off a little (was really late with one paper), and did almost as well as I could have. Freshman spring I was late with several other papers, did lots of things at the last minute, and not nearly as well as I could have. I told myself that the activist work I was doing (on Darfur) was what was bringing me down, because it was more work than an extra class. Now for someone with my history of performance and at a really good school (and I realize I am lucky to even be in this position at all), this sucked. I travelled for the summer, change of pace, and when I got back I vowed to do my work on time. Not 3 weeks into the semester I was the victim of an accident involving a drunk frat pledge that was very debilitating (head/neck injury, headaches, tired all the time) and got very behind on my work. Of course professors were understanding, but as 2 classes dragged incomplete into the spring and I didn't want to bring the spring semester down by doing 2 semesters work at once, I just ignored them. I ended up with grades last spring like my Freshman fall grades, never was late with anything but always very very very last minute and could have gotten better grades across the board. The other two classes dragged into the summer, and one I finished towards the end of the summer (again my mindset was, why let that asshole and that accident ruin my summer?) and got a B in the class when I should have had an A, the other is still incomplete on my record. This semester I'm abroad and classes aren't nearly as work intensive as I'm used to.
Now I was probably PTSD and depressed a little because of the accident last fall, and my already weird sleep cycle (basically I can never get to sleep) got worse, making me more tired, less quality work, etc.
The Wake Up Call: I applied for a very valuable, prestigious and useful connectionswise scholarship this month. Several people I know (the dean of my college, a friend who has it) think I would be perfect for it. I procrastinated terribly on the application, right up until the last minute, not enough time to have my friend on the scholarship edit it or anything. You have to be nominated by your school to be considered for it, and there's the application and an interview. My interviews usually kill, but I'm abroad and over the phone and they had connection troubles so it was late and shorter which flustered me. Short of it, I was rejected just now.
Usually, I procrastinate, it turns out OK. I get by. I get an a- instead of an a, or maybe a b+. The consequences of this won't really hit me until I apply to grad school some time in the foggy future, so this never got to me. But this scholarship would have been immensely helpful, useful, and probably partially for my procrastinated gpa, for my half-assed application, I lost an incredible, incredible chance.
If you're still reading, haha, here's where I'm asking for support and not just writing a diary. I've got it. I fucked up. I could have had this, should have had this, and I fucked up. Maybe someday I'll look back and say, getting rejected for that scholarship was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I woke up, got better grades, got this fellowship or that scholarship down the road, got into the best grad school, etc. Maybe. But how do I get there from here? Every time I get a grade I know could have been better, I just think I'll do better next time or next semester... and maybe it lasts a few weeks, to the first paper deadline. But then I slip back into my rut. How do I get out of my rut? I'm more awake than I've ever been, but I've never been able to follow through before.
In the meantime, I'm trying to remind myself
And you can dream
So dream out loud
And don't let the bastards grind you down