Question for Married Folks, or anyone with a opinion I guess

[BEAL]

Having some difficult times right now. I don't want to get all the details, but my wife and I have been married for 6 months. Known each other for well over 1 1/2 years.

Around 4 months ago, she quit her job because it was making her unhappy. I happen to make a good amount of $ to support both of us, so I tell her to just take some time off. She's planning on starting school in September. So be a nice little break for her.

Anyway, the exact opposite happened. She became more miserable with the time off. Basically she's not sure what she wants to do with her life. She thinks the schooling might do it, but she's worried it won't. She's depressed, and is on medication. Too early to tell if it's really working. She does seem to be a little bit better now that I think about the past week or two.

With all of this knowledge now known, her problem is with my interests. The stuff that I like to do, that truely makes me happy.

3 nights a week, I practice TaeKwonDo. 2 of those nights I teach the beginner (white belt class). I go straight from work to TKD those 3 nights, and I'm home around 8pm.

This past summer, I've picked up golf, as my best friends do it quite a bit. So I've golfed quite a bit this summer. It's pretty much replaced "Guys Night Out".

It's also football season. I love football, both college and pros. My wife HATES sports. Obviously she was fine enough with it to marry me.

Now I'm being told that she has a problem with my interests. They take too much time. Consume too much effort by me. She feels that she is not the priority, and that football, or TKD, or golfing with friends is.

She hates how all I talk with my family is my interests, and how I'm doing in them.

It's getting very frustrating on my part because I'm the one who's PROVIDING a living for us. I can contribute to her happiness, but I'm not responsible for it. That is the way I feel.

She on one hand says she loves the fact that my interests make me happy, but then will come right out and say I spend too much time on them.

I have golfed maybe 8 times this summer. I've been doing TKD for almost 4 years, and I haven't changed my schedule, and I was told it was OK prior to getting married. And she hates how I want to constantly check stats on Sunday for my Fantasy Football team.

I really don't know what to do. We took a marriage counselor prior to getting married to help get a jump start on the "troubles of marriage". Now it just feels like a bitch fest, and most of it at me.

Can I go overboard on golf or football? Yes, but since we've even started dating, anytime we have an appointment, or something to do, I do it with her. I can always tape a game, or get my stats late at night. I can maybe limit my talk with her about my teams.

We took Salsa dancing about 5 months ago, and it was on one of my TKD nights. I taught my class, and then booked it to go dancing with her. So there isn't one instance where I put my interests over our relationship or appointments together. She goes to the gym every morning, which TKD in one respect serves as my gym/workout. It's just that I WORK and the only time I can take TKD is at night.

I don't know. This is really just one big rant. I do love her to death, she's extremely unique, but at the same time, extremely stubborn.

I gave up my cats, and the prospect of having pets for this women. I love animals, but finding a love of your life is entirely different. I can't be expected to give up everything I love? Can I?

I don't expect big answers, or any really, just kind of venting my frustration.

 

[Sicy]

I'm really sorry. Not to be a downer, but this is why I think marriage is over rated and at times just uneccesary. (If it aint broke dont fix it type thing). Seems a lot of the times, once you get married, all the 'true' stuff comes out. I remember when you had to give up your cats and I felt really bad for you and I think that was a flag right there. I think maybe once she figures out what she wants to do with her life, things will get better. Maybe you can help her make that decision.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

It sounds as if she's going through a lot and deflecting a lot of that onto you, which completely isn't fair.

I also feel that having to give up numerous things to make the other party happy isn't right, the person they fell in love with is who they married, so why should they expect you to drop those interests or, going along the same vein, not pick up new ones after the honeymoon is over?

Best of luck.

 

[Bonochick]

Even if you weren't the sole source of income for you two, you are still entitled to go do the things you love. It sounds like you try to balance between work, hobbies, and your wife. As long as you aren't neglecting your wife, you need to have fun and do the things you love. I feel like if you stop doing those things, you may come to regret your wife because you'll feel like she made you stop, she's keeping you from doing the things you love.

I'm not married, but I've lived with my boyfriend for over 2 years. Pretty much every Saturday, he goes and hangs out at the hobby shop (he collects trains). For awhile, he was going out with his friends afterwards for dinner and drinks. My parents came to visit one Saturday, and they seemed to feel really bad that I spend most of my Saturdays alone...but it doesn't bother me. I do my errands and house cleaning...and I have time for my hobbies, like reading or playing video games or watching DVDs. I like my "me" time...and I'm also glad that he gets to go out and do something fun. He works hard all week, and it makes me happy that he has something to look forward to come the weekend.

I think what's hard for your wife is that with her not working...plus being depressed to boot (I've been there before, I can sympathize), she has all the time in the world for her interests while you're at work. So she's probably feeling that when you're not working, she wants you to be with her. Maybe once she starts school it will be better. She will be busier, and she might even meet people to do things with. I would try to be patient with her and see how she acts once school starts.


The fact that you are even here asking for advice shows that you care about your wife and the relationship that you have. Relationships involve a lot of sacrifice, and you seem to be aware of that (giving up pets, Salsa dancing on your TKD nights). You shouldn't have to give it all up though. Her happiness is important, but so is yours.

I hope that you are able to work this out.

 

[BEAL]

I really think she's scared she'll end up like her parents. Her mother divorced her dad because she felt his priorities were with his job and sports.

From what I understand, they both regret the split, and their lives aren't any better because of it. Mother remarried, and the Dad still does his thing.

Difference is, her Dad was a teacher at a high school, and he also coached Basketball, and Baseball for the school. Then on the weekends he liked to watch sports or participate in them.

There are some parallels between us, except I don't spend every moment of my life doing sports.

When I come home during the week, I try to have a conversation with her. Except when I ask how her day was or what did she do, I get the same response "Boring or Nothing". Tough to continue on from there.

I work in IT, so it's tough for people who don't work in the field to understand what my job consists of. I still will talk about how my day went, and try to elaborate on things that don't make sense to her.

I really do hope the schooling and job will help. Get her out of the house and doing something.

She also needs to stick with it as well. In these 3/4 months she's been off, she has quit 3 jobs. All within 1 week of starting. Just didn't do it for her.

While it was depressing to me to hear her give up, I also felt it'd be better to support her, rather than a round house kick to the temple ; )

I am not going to give up my tkd as it really means a lot to me and she knows that. I believe the golfing can find some balance. Maybe not hang around aftewards for so long chatting with buddies.

And I believe there can be a balance with the football. She has no right to tell me what I can watch or if I can play in a FF league. But she has the right to tell me if I'm going overboard in my excitement or if I'm doing something that is annoying her with it.

As for Sicy;

The cats were very hard. I know you're a huge cat person, and would seem near impossible to give up. Believe me, there were many questioning and scenerios thinking going on in my head.

In the end, I guess I didn't feel like being known as that old man with the cats down the street. Both of my cats went to homes that will provide them with the same love, if not more, as what I was giving them. There isn't a night that goes by without me having a dream about them. I miss them a ton, but I don't regret my move. At least this way I won't be there when they pass away. I can at least dream they'll always be how I remember them.

I'm still holding out on maybe a shot or drug that will make cat dander useless to those with allergies. : )

 

[sweetie]

Hi Beal. I've been married for 6 years and I was with my husband for 8 years prior to that. We never lived together before getting married. Boy was marriage a HUGE awakening!

The first two years are the hardest you will ever go through. But if the love is there - its worth it to stick it out.

Ranting is good. Get it out. Talk to people. Its possible that she is also feeling the newlywed blues - trying to find herself but not knowing how to.

I hope this works out for you.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I think she is just frustrated with her life and also like you said, she is afraid of repeating what happened with her parents. You do seem very understanding about it and it seems as if you care about her well being very much. As tough as it is to deal with and understand sometimes, when people are frustrated internally they will act in ways that aren't always rational and fair to others and their relationships. So maybe when she starts school it will improve- but if school doesn't work out, if she quits or whatever, maybe you could talk to her about getting counseling in addition to the meds. Dealing with someone who is depressed is extremely difficult- so no need to beat yourself up about that.

Maybe when you ask her about her day, she somehow feels it is not significant (through no fault of your own, but she thinks that or she thinks that you think it) because of what you did all day. So maybe you could tell her that what she does and thinks about is important to you, that you want to share it with her. My gut instinct is that she feels insecure about herself, and that is the reason behind her issues with your interests. No one can ultimately help her resolve that but her, the best you can do is be a loving and supportive husband. Good luck

 

[Liesje]

I'm really sorry. Not to be a downer, but this is why I think marriage is over rated and at times just uneccesary. (If it aint broke dont fix it type thing). Seems a lot of the times, once you get married, all the 'true' stuff comes out. I remember when you had to give up your cats and I felt really bad for you and I think that was a flag right there. I think maybe once she figures out what she wants to do with her life, things will get better. Maybe you can help her make that decision.

Yeah, she sounds like she's jealous of you and is too insecure about herself to be happy that you are happy.

I've been married for 11 months and we dated for 3.5 years first. We both have our own hobbies and friends, to the extent that some people make comments (jokingly, but still...) about how independent we are. I do things with my dog, I hang out with my girlfriends from college and high school, I go to U2 shows. Phil plays in soccer and softball leagues and goes to his friend's for video game nights. We have different work schedules, which means different sleep schedules. Honestly, I sometimes need my space. I don't feel left out or jealous, but I imagine if I had nothing else to look forward to, I might.

I think your wife needs to get into some new things and start getting out more. You shouldn't have to sacrifice everything just b/c she feels lonely. She shouldn't bring you down because she feels depressed.

 

[BEAL]

Thanks for the replies.

She has seen a counselor off and on for many years. Her parents divorce really messed her up. She still wishes they were together, and in some respects, that is part of her problem. She needs to move on.

She does have a lot of baggage, and it is something I have to deal with it. I by no means go play golf to get away, although the past month or so has been very nice to do so.

She tells me that she repects my interests, but then turns around and tells me they are too time consuming, and that she feels that they are ranked #1 in my life.

I sometimes wonder what world she is living in. Most guys like sports. Most guys like to talk sports. Most guys like to make fun of each other.

Our counselor has been frustrated with her, as have I. Basically the message is, move on. To me, she's being selfish right now, as it's all about her. I understand she's going through a tough time, but be glad she has a roof over her head.

In some of our talks before marriage, she told me that a lot of guys broke up with her, and not the other way around. And their reasoning was that they weren't good enough for her. I never really felt like I was being held to this standard. Now I do.

I'm sure things will work out one way or another. It's just so frustrating going to MY home and worrying about setting her off.

 

[indra]

I can contribute to her happiness, but I'm not responsible for it.

Yep. I think you could do absolutely everything she says she wants you to do and she would be no happier because it certainly seems that her unhappiness is not with you, but with herself. You can't make her happy -- she has to do that on her own, and I think counseling is a good place to start. (individual counseling because she has to work through her own problems, then perhaps a bit of couples counseling if need be)

 

[martha]

I agree with all the counseling suggested here, and maybe some for just you so you can deal with her problems more.

I've been happily married for 18 years to someone I've know for 34 years or so. We didn't live together before we were married. Take all that for what you think it's worth now.

Your wife is going through an extremely difficult time (perhaps of her own making). You may have to make a choice between your sports and your wife right now. You keep insisting you won't give up your sports, that she knew this when you got married, etc. She may need you more right now than she did in the past, she may need your time more than you need it. Look at what happened to her parents: they let this same issue break them apart. Are you willing to have than happen to you?


On the other hand, she may be manipulating you to bend to her will. It may be that she has no intention of ever getting over this slump and she wants to take you with her.

I would certainly consider putting my wife first over my sports right now if I were you. It may be something that she really needs and your refusal to do it lets her know she's #2 in your life. Give it some thought.

Also, ask her specific questions about her day, not just how it was. Have her tell you what she did specifically. If she just watched TV, have her tell you about the shows. Ask her how her plans for school are coming along; did she buy her books yet, etc. Be interested in her boring days.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I hope you guys can find a way through this very soon.

 

[Liesje]

I would encourage her to go back to school as planned or if not, make a list of interests and find ways to volunteer within those interests.

I will say that when we were first married and I didn't start my job right away, it was torture. I was so bored, stuck in the apartment all day with no cars and no friends at our apartment complex. As fun as it sounds to have time to do whatever you want to do, you end up feeling more stupid and hopeless and worthless. I don't particularly enjoy my current job, but enjoy having A job. I enjoy the volunteering that I do, and if I didn't have to work, I'd probably volunteer for at least half of the day or I'd go crazy.

I think you should also discuss each others expectations as far as work/ not work. You don't want to end up resenting her for not working right now and you don't want to develop the attitude that you deserve to do what you want b/c you pay for everything. Right now, I'm the one working to put Phil through school and he knows that I don't resent the fact that I have to work b/c we decided beforehand that when he gets the career he always wanted, I will be free to either go back to school, do more volunteering, or find work in the field that I enjoy (not exactly what I do right now). We had long conversations about this before I went back to work and before he quit working and started school, so we are responsible for holding to the agreements we made and can't start resenting the other person b/c we're not happy. He's passed on certain extracurricular activities with his friends b/c of money and time. We also wanted a dog and basically I got to pick the dog and when he finishes school, he gets to pick the next dog. Some people will say that it's dumb to have to talk about these things and makes these types of decisions beforehand, but I disagree b/c even spouses can't always accurately "read" the other person and just KNOW what they want and what they are thinking. Just sit down and get it all out in the open, come to some basic agreements and let each other know how you feel and what you expect.

 

[martha]

Some people will say that it's dumb to have to talk about these things and makes these types of decisions beforehand, but I disagree b/c even spouses can't always accurately "read" the other person and just KNOW what they want and what they are thinking. Just sit down and get it all out in the open, come to some basic agreements and let each other know how you feel and what you expect.

Then some people are fools. The only way to make a marriage successful is to communicate.

 

[Liesje]

Then some people are fools. The only way to make a marriage successful is to communicate.

Thanks! And I agree! But I've gotten comments in the past like "Why do you have to make it 'fair' by you picking a dog and then him picking a dog? Shouldn't you just pick everything together?" Um, no b/c we both want different things, silly! Dogs are my hobby, so I need a performance dog. Phil would not have picked this dog. We also say things like "You clean the bathroom and I'll straighten up and vacuum the rest of the house." I mentioned our style in this thread about house chores on another board and a bunch of married people were like "um....should both of you just automatically do chores without asking b/c you love each other?" Erm...no! Each person has different standards and expectations, and in my experience that applies to EVERYTHING, not just doing chores or picking a dog or who is making how much money.....we deal with it all very openly, not by assuming that one person knows what the other person wants or will figure it out b/c we are lovey dovey. Phil has often said to me "Am I working too many nights? Do you want me to cut back so we can plan some things together?" and I'm honest and say "No, I don't mind time alone." or "Yes, can you take Friday night off for this party..."

 

[Hinder]

Liesje: Gah! No! Absolutely not! Two people getting married are still two people! You do not become the Amazing Stepford Twins! I /hate/ hearing people do that. It's ridiculous. /rant

Anyway, to the guy who is dealing with the depressed wife. As a person who is clinically depressed, I can tell you that the worst possible thing you can do is give in to her nagging. It will not make her feel better if you gave up all your stuff. She'll tell you it does, she'll tell you you're not putting her first, and all manner of things to manipulate you into doing what she wants you to do. Misery loves company, as the old saying goes. Simply continue to do the things you love. Tell her you love her. Remind her that you need to do things that have nothing to do with her. Loving what you love does not mean you do not make her a priority. She simply isn't the only one, which, in the long run, is MUCH healthier for her. Encourage her to go out and do things, to find something she likes. And encourage her to continue therapy.

But above all else, DO NOT let her drag you into being a closeted, depressed person because she is. The only one who can make her better is /her/. She has to solve this problem, not you.

 

[BEAL]

I agree with all the counseling suggested here, and maybe some for just you so you can deal with her problems more.

I've been happily married for 18 years to someone I've know for 34 years or so. We didn't live together before we were married. Take all that for what you think it's worth now.

Your wife is going through an extremely difficult time (perhaps of her own making). You may have to make a choice between your sports and your wife right now. You keep insisting you won't give up your sports, that she knew this when you got married, etc. She may need you more right now than she did in the past, she may need your time more than you need it. Look at what happened to her parents: they let this same issue break them apart. Are you willing to have than happen to you?


On the other hand, she may be manipulating you to bend to her will. It may be that she has no intention of ever getting over this slump and she wants to take you with her.

I would certainly consider putting my wife first over my sports right now if I were you. It may be something that she really needs and your refusal to do it lets her know she's #2 in your life. Give it some thought.

Also, ask her specific questions about her day, not just how it was. Have her tell you what she did specifically. If she just watched TV, have her tell you about the shows. Ask her how her plans for school are coming along; did she buy her books yet, etc. Be interested in her boring days.

I do understand what you're saying. I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place. I have offered to skip my TKD sessions to spend time with her, and she insists that I go. I have randomly taken nights off just to spend time with her.

Unfortunately, some of those nights turn into a bore fest. She doesn't want to do anything, except eat ice cream ; )

I do not want to make it sound like I'm chosing sports over my wife. I need a life too. She is in a dark place right now, and the worst thing to happen would be to put both of us there. TKD has been my release for many years, almost a therapy for a lot of agression I do have. Agression I don't want to unload on us (and I'm not talking physical, but more of just crabby moods, etc). I've gone to therapy for this type of behavior and working on a more positive outlook in demeanor and communication. I think I've made great strides. So does she.

Asking her specific questions can be good, except a lot of times it's this exchange:

Me -- What did you do today? Go anywhere? Talk to anyone?

Her -- No. I sat here on the couch watching TV. I'm worthless and stupid..etc.

Now she's been doing better on that type of thinking, or at least she's kept inside. But honestly, it's tough to talk to someone like that.

She needs a hobby/job/activity, and very soon. School starts next Friday. She has a follow up interview on this Friday. I hope the job works out and school gives her some structure.

I really don't want to seem like I'm the one being punished, there are plenty of things that annoy her about me. Those I would say are more "life adjusting" as opposed to a depression/illness.

I'm going to hang in there, it's the right thing to do. It is nice to have message boards though Going to family/friends can often lead to a bad perception, and I don't want that. Of course family knows of issues, but being able to really pour it out and not worry helps.

 

[anitram]

Does she not have any friends of her own? Old girlfriends from college, etc? Could you try to encourage her to get out of the house for a movie night or girl's night out or shopping or whatever?

 

[JCOSTER]

I agree that communication is key to a great relationship. I'll be married 17 years this fall, and we both respect each others interests no matter how crazy or far fetched they are, we also give each other space and let one another be independent. I'm a stay at home mom, but I don't and don't want to depend on him. If he wants to go play softball, watch sports, etc. then so be and he understands and lets me have the freedom to do what I like to do too.

Somewhere along the line we always end up meeting in the middle.

I was in the same situation when we first got married too, I didn't know what I wanted to do, go back to school, whatever, I did do alot of vented on the person that was trying to help me the most.
This is the part of marraige when they say through good times and bad, that doesn't necessarily mean both of you at the same time, right now she's the one having a hard time. Communicate and be there for her. Talk to her about how your feeling like a battering ram. Things will get better, you guys are just "stuck in a moment."

 

[AchtungMike]

I think you are focused more on what she's "taking away" from you than the relationship itself. Your wife sounds like she is in a depressed state right now and needs you more than ever. A marrage is never 50/50 it should be 100/100. If you focus on getting back to what you feel in love with you can be in a happier place. I'm not saying you should give up your hobbies, only put them on the back burner until she gets out of her funk.

on a side note, Ive been married for 8 years, together with her for 16. We have 4 kids and both work. I still find time to play fantasy football, go to games, golf, fish etc. I just don't do it as much as I used to. Hope this helps.

 

[martha]

Going to family/friends can often lead to a bad perception, and I don't want that. Of course family knows of issues, but being able to really pour it out and not worry helps.

Yes. Telling people who have no stake in the relationship is way better than complaining to family. We won't throw it back at you or hold anything against her when it's better.

 

[BEAL]

Well, after my last post she came upstairs and I pretty much made us discuss what's been bugging myself and her.

I told her straight up that it feels like I'm being forced to give up things I truely love to do. I mentioned that I can do a better job of not talking/focusing on those interests when we have time together. That is what I can control. She agreed.

I told her it's not fair to bitch about my topics of conversations with parents and friends. They are my friends, and we will talk about what we want. It would be one thing if we're making racial/sexist jokes, but we're just talking about a game that's on tv, or how our favorite teams are doing. I told her that she can bring a book, or she can stay home when I go to my parents house. My wife is naturally a very shy person, and sometimes my parents don't quite now what to talk about with her. I've had conversations with my parents in trying to get them more involved. Sometimes it works great, other times my wife gives a one word answer and stares off into space. I also told my wife that if a game is on tv at my parents, that I'll try to do a better job of making sure she is comfortable with the surrounding. I really don't know what else to do besides tell my family to turn off the game and we can talk about food or shopping.

She understands that she has a lot of issues with sports, and other things, and she's learning how to deal with them. Unfortunately, I take some of the abuse when she's not dealing with them in a positive manner. She said she is really trying hard not to take out her issues on me.

Her friends have been pretty flakey as of late. She feels they don't like her anymore. I asked if there were any facts, and she just said their tone is different. My advice to her was to call these friends up, leave a message asking to talk to them, that it was urgent and in regards to their friendship. If they don't call you back, you have an answer. I'm sure this is more of a girl thing, as I've gotten into fights with my friends, but we usually tell each other to fuck off, and then we're hanging out the next week.

Maybe school will introduce her to some more stable friends. I will say that a lot of her friends have similar issues. They're all depressed, or at least they are some of the time, and they disappear into a hole. I'm sure that's hard to deal with....well, I know it's hard to deal with, cause I'm dealing with it right now

It was a good talk, but sometimes talk is cheap. We are at least talking to each other and discussing in a positive way to improve. I told her that she has always been my priority, and I can understand how sometimes she feels she is not. I have a personality that is very outgoing, and when I have something I enjoy doing, it can carry over into regular conversations at home. I'm hoping in time a balance will be created and happiness is everywhere

 

[JCOSTER]

^ sounds like you 2 are heading in the right direction.

Good Luck.

 

[martha]

ahhh, communication.

Good for you, BEAL. Keep talking.

 

[Kiki]

I've had similar things happen with my husband, concerning the medication and the depression, so I know what you're going through is tough. I've also been through the "no work phase" with him, although it's been him quiting due to the depression, now getting fired due to someone else's problem. So I've been there and am there right now with having to be the bread winner of the family and I know it sucks at times. well....it sounds like you guys are doing okay in that aspect, it sucks for us because unfortunetly I don't make enough money for us to live off of with out him working.

Anyway, we've been married for 3 years, you guys have just 6 months behind you. First, the medication is going to take a good 6 months or so to really work out all the kinks in her that it needs to.
Second, don't go from one extreme to the other: don't give up everything you do for her and don't fight it either. Yeah, I've given up pretty much everything in the first two years of our marriage--friends, going out, having friend over, talking to friends, etc. Now I'm thankfully able to get back in to who I was and who I like myself as, but with respect to my husband as well.

See, I felt bad because he moved here for me and when he would get depressed one of the things he'd complain about is "I have no friends". Well after our first two years I finally decided....you know what?! Not my problem! Make friends. Hang out with some of the guys from work, go to the driving range, hit some balls.

Granted your wife doesnt like sports so you should really curb the sport talk with her and try to find something else to talk about. I'm not sure if it's like this in every marriage or not, but my husband can go on for hours about airplanes and the military and how things work and this and that and the other thing and I have learned to just....sort of tune him out and agree or pick up little points when I need to respond. I know it's not the best thing to do and I've brought it up to our counselor as well....but he just doesnt get it that sometimes when I've dealt with things on my own through out the day, the last thing I want is a lecture about something.

Same goes for his part, if I've had a shitty day the last thing he wants is me getting worked up about it at home. It's one thing to vent or share, but another to end up lecturing someone when all you mean to do is share or have a simple conversation.

Best thing to do would to probably go back to a counselor. It doesn't have to mean your marriage is in trouble or your marriage is over, it's just that you need to communicate in a different way and they'll be able to give you good ideas too.

I can give you a few tips too...I know she's at home and not working, but do little things to sort of brighten her day: leave her a little "love" note on the coffee table or on the fridge with a magnet, come home with a flower from the store for her, send her a text during the day that just says "I love you and miss you".
Eventually I bet she'll start surprising you with little things like that too and she'll probably ease up about the TKD and golfing. I think she probably just misses you right now....you're still newlyweds! Enjoy this time together!!!



~~~~~ I had to edit this. Something else that just popped in my head that I know my husband has done with me that you may want to encourage her to do.
I know she doesnt like sports, but part of it may be that she doesnt understand them or she's intimidated by them. Why not ask her if she'd like to go to the park with you and throw around a football, just to play catch? Or see if she'd want to go to the batting cages on a special date night, then get dinner and a movie?

It ends up being kind of fun to switch on and off different things for date nights. Go shopping with her and to dinner one night, the next time go mini golfing and for ice cream or something like that. I've got a lot of friends who've said they hated sports and it ended up being because they didn't understand it or were scared of getting hit, etc. Once they were introduced in a one on one date setting, they ended up loving different sports.

Good luck!

 

[BEAL]

Well, this morning we went to one of our sessions and it didn't turn out very well.

I brought up the stuff I've ranted about in these posts, and she didn't appreciate me doing that. She felt we worked it out on our own, and I should have left it at that. She felt we did really well this week, but she guess not now. She didn't say a word to me after our meeting was over. So I doubt she'll say a word to me when I get home tonight.

I just don't get her at all. Last week really bugged me, and yes we discussed together. Part of the counseling though is to discuss issues like this. I didn't like the fact I felt like I was being nagged, or controlled like a child. She continues to do this. I brought up the fact that I FEEL everything I do or say makes her upset.

I bring these points up in our session cause she can't run away from them, or less likely she gets mad and throws something in my face. And having a professional there to help mediate the issues is a positive. Just seems that we go in circles.

She came out today and started crying and stating that she doesn't think we will work at all (after I had brought up last weeks issues). She feels that I'm my own person, and that's how I act. She doesn't really give any examples, except that I'm "never home".

So I counter with asking how come it's OK for her to say my TKD and Golf is fine, yet here we are fighting about how I'm never home. I keep trying to stress that I work, while she is sitting at home with her thoughts....which makes her feel like I'm never around. At least when she had a job, she was busy.

She goes to the gym during the day, she goes shopping, and she visits friends. I have my interests and it happens to be AFTER work. I don't know how we can keep going in circles like this.

This past Monday was a good example, I played golf at 7am, came home at 11am, took a shower, and asked her what she wanted to do for the day? She said "I don't know". So then I said lets get lunch and walk around town. So we did. Seemed to go OK. But I feel it shouldn't always be on me to find something to do. You can whine all you want about not doing something, but when you can't provide feedback for a activity, it kind of makes your argument less effective.

I just don't know. I really feel I'm in a no win situation. I'm supposed to have interests, yet these interests is what makes my wife feel as though I don't care about her.

I'm supposed to go to the USA vs Brazil soccer match in Chicago this weekend, but now I feel incredibly guilty in doing so. Is this another example of me being selfish? (Mind you she's known about this trip since beginning of August). The counselor feels I still go on as planned, as not going could be used later on in a fight, and last thing we need is more guilt trips.

I will be honest, but I am a little insecure about going. Will my wife pack things up and be gone when I get back? Will she go out and meet someone? The latter being the more stupid thought, but the former I feel can happen this weekend.

No way will I bring these thoughts up to her, as then it'll turn into some form of "trust" issue. I don't have these issues with her, but after seeing her react in our meeting, I just wonder when the day is going to be that I get a call from a lawyer.

 

[Sicy]

I keep trying to stress that I work, while she is sitting at home with her thoughts....which makes her feel like I'm never around. At least when she had a job, she was busy.

Exactly. Like seriously, she needs to get a job or a hobby because I think her sitting at home bored and miserable is not helping your relationship at all.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Sounds like she needs a job, hobby - something, pronto.

 

[BEAL]

She interviewed for a job last week, and was told she'd know early this week. I haven't heard anything yet. It would work out nicely with her school schedule. She starts school Friday. So that will hopefully tide her over a little bit.

I don't want to make this sound like it's all on her, but WTF am I supposed to do? She doesn't give good feedback for me to work with? It's always shrugging the shoulders.

She says she wants to spend time with me, yet when I'm around, all she does is nag on me. She should have married one of her queer friends if she expects me to act like a girlfriend.

I enjoy doing stuff with her, but it's crazy to expect us to have some event every night. And I really can't talk about sports cause she's not interested in them.

I don't know, maybe it would be better if we start preparing for a seperation. Cause neither one of us are anywhere near happy with each other.

 

[Sicy]

I know this doesnt help but maybe it can help others. I feel like even if you date someone for 4 - 5 years you still cant really know each other. It takes a really long time to learn everything you need to know about the other person and how the two of you will manage to live a life together. For instance, I feel that you have to live together first to get the full effect of how life will be. SO MUCH changes when you live together, and I speak from experience. Perhaps this is why I've had 4 or 5 year relationships and I'm still not married. A year and a half is just about at the point where you start getting bored/restless with each other. Again, this isnt true for eveyrone of course but in so many cases I have given friends advice and they come back to me and say 'you were right'. I have a friend that was so madly in love with his gf, and he wanted to marry her and blah blah and I told him, move in together first and give it a year and see how it goes. It hasnt even been 6 months and he's already semi miserable. They are bored, they dont have sex as often and I dont think he wants to marry her anymore. You can go from thinking you are with your soul mate, to realizing one day that there's no way you could spend the rest of your life with this person.