Uber beaver = Douglas Adams
“well you can’t simply go back, it’s against the rules, and that’s that.”
“you sure? I mean if you allowed Jesus to get away with it, and half of all the bleeding hindus, why not me? Me thinks, you might be a wee bit impartial in this respect.”
“you leave my son out of this! That was a totally different situation. And as for the hindus, that has nothing to do with me, it’s part of an imbalance in the equat…”
“ah, so you have seen the Matrix! I knew it! I just knew it! All of you preachy types, pretending like you never watch Tinsel town trash, EVERYBODY watches the puree with sick fascination”
“look erm, what exactly is it that you want again?”
“well, it’s simple. I want to go back. Look at it this way, nobody will have to know about the Carry On DVD series you’ve got hidden back there.”
“HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW ABOUT THAT?????”
“well, you just told me – so do we have ourselves a deal then?”
“not quite. It is technically against the rules for you to go back, but…I could cook up something by borrowing a page from the Hindus”
“wot are you talking about?”
“well you can’t go back as yourself, but I could arrange to send you back in another body, how’s that sound to you?”
“oh wait, and since you were famous and all as a notable English writer, it might be slightly more prudent to send you back as a Yank – they’re notoriously well known for corrupting the language.”
“I can’t go back as an American!”
“no-no, you need to annunciate as though you had an incurable sinus problem, it is “C-A-N-T” …focus on the “N” or else this will not work – try it with me”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
"C-A-N-T ”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“C-A-N-T”
“Enough! My ears are bleeding, you’ve got it right!...now there is one other little thing that remains…”
“and wot, pray tell, might that be?”
“well you must remain invisible, erm, not call any attention to yourself or your cover might be blown – I’m afraid no more best sellers for you”
“but that’s everything! You C-A-N-T ask me to stop writing! It’s my life!”
“hmm, you have a point, I wouldn’t want you back here just after you left, how about you tone it down a notch or two eh? Let’s see…perhaps try your hand at something on the net? Find a niche for yourself somewhere online where you can express yourself”
“heya, big guy, I know just the scene, there’s this bunch of weirdos devoted to something called U2, I could spot a home there and do my thing!, I’ve been tinkering around with this idea for people’s alter egos”
“that sounds splendid Douglas, quite a gimmick, I’m certain you’ll be very good at it too, sounds exactly like your scene”
“Grand! Settled then it is, thanks a tonne old man!”
“Douglas, it’s T-O-N, and chips in America are what come inside shiny plastic bags. You would do well to remember such differences. Might I suggest you start off in a neutral place like Canada? Work your way down to America, like all other Canadians do”
“yeah perhaps, but no thanks, I can’t exactly be in a country that is proud to have a “loony” as its coinage, yuck! Wait, I have an idea, you have a point in that it is going to take an effort getting accustomed to Yanglish. I should position myself closer to the 49th, that way I could get away with a few errors here and there. New Yawk Baby! New Yawk!”
Sigh.