My Grandmother is terminally ill

[Lancemc]

It came out of the blue. Nobody expected this to happen. She went into the hospital this past Saturday for a stomach ulcer, and just yesterday morning we find out she had brain cancer and liver cancer. I just got the call from the hospital, my mother and father are there now, telling me she's now blind and could pass away at any moment. Though everything thinks she'll at least make it another day or two. But she could make it through. Nobody fucking knows, and that's the worst part. I'm just not sure what to think or do right now. I feel like I should go see her, the whole family is there, but I don't want my last memories of her being her blind and dying in the hospital. I could, should say goodbye, but I know she's already too gone to even recognize I'm there or for my visit to make a difference with everyone else already there. And I'm just afraid I'll have anotner nervous breakdown if I go there...that's just what my family needs. I don't know what to do. I'm staying home today, but I might go tomorrow if she's still around. Christ, how do these things happen like this?

 

[elevated_u2_fan]

Shitty things are always happening, along with good things hopefully, that's the way life is...

Both my Grandmother and Great Aunt were killed in a car accident on Christmas Day. My father was driving and my mother was in the passenger seat, both were not seriously hurt. Needless to say that every Christmas since has been rather depressing...

I would say that if you can, go see her in the hospital. It will suck, yes, but you will probably regret it if you don't. I know I regret never getting to properly say goodbye.

Just my opinion though.

 

[Screwtape2]

The decision is yours but if I were you I'd go see her. In the short term you might feel better to have not gone but in the long run you might find that you regret not saying goodbye. Don't think of that last memory as being something tragic. That's not how you'll remember her. You'll remember her for the beautiful and amazing things she was to you and to teh rest of your family.

 

[redkat]

Only you know what you can handle. With your whole family being there though you may find more comfort being with them. Also being there for your family and supporting them might make you feel stronger. She doesn't need to be consciously aware of your presence for you to say goodbye or I love you.

What a horrible thing to happen. I'm very sorry.

 

[JCOSTER]

I am soooo sorry for you and your family.

Something similar happend with my grandfather and I was called to comeback from vacationing in Vermont. I was really afraid of what I was going to see. It wasn't pretty, but I was and still am very happy that I went so I could tell him things I never did before.

 

[Liesje]

I would go if you can. It's scary and awkward and painful, but you may regret it later on. I understand about not wanting to go with everyone else around, I'm the same way. Maybe you can go early/late and just have a moment to yourself, or ask for a moment to yourself? Often the hospitals will only let two people in at a time anyway.

My grandpa went into the ER thinking he had stomach flu, was put in the ICU and never came back out. A few days later he was gone. They didn't let me see him because I was too young (9) to visit in ICU, so I never got to see him or say goodbye. I couldn't even see him at the funeral b/c the illness he had made him swell and he wasn't recognizable.

 

[Lancemc]

Thanks everyone. I'm going tomorrow with my father.

 

[anitram]

That's probably the best thing. Go with your family, and it's about being with them too as much as it is about saying goodbye.

I didn't get a chance to do so when my grandmother died two weeks ago because I was just finishing exams and I don't live even remotely near her, so it wasn't feasible. That kind of makes things all the more surreal, so I'd probably recommend you go see her. At the same time I totally understand your reluctance - I admit that in many ways I am grateful that my memory is of a woman taking care of her rosebushes and not one lying in a hospital bed. So, I understand it either way.

 

[redhotswami]

I think it is great that you have the chance to say goodbye. I've been able to do that some times, and other times not. It is a hard thing to do though.

But, you'll be with your family. At least you will all be together, you need each other.

 

[BonosBaby12]

I am so incredibly sorry Think it's a good decision also that you are going to go visit your grandmother.

 

[LemonMelon]

So, so sorry to hear this, man. Listen, I know it's not easy to go, but I'm glad you decided to anyway...I know you won't regret it. You're in my prayers, of course, not just for this, but all of the other crap you've posted about as well. Take care.

 

[Lila64]

I'm so sorry for you & your family

Ultimately you have to do what you feel is the best for you. You don't want to live to regret it. I can understand you not wanting to go see her the way she is now.

My maternal grandmother had taken sick & was in the hospital in 1992-93. When I was little, I may have been closer to her, but growing up & as I got older, we weren't close. Actually she kind of drove me crazy. And I'm sure she meant well, but sometimes said some stuff about my Dad that just sat with me wrong (like saying he went thru her purse and took something - totally ridiculous). And to me it seemed like she took alot of my Mom's time (not that Mom minded). But some of that time was my time and I didn't get to spend it with just my Mom. So in other words, we weren't close. She took ill, was in the hospital, had lost some weight (she was a heavyset woman). I think we knew it was just a matter of time. I know all the family went to see her, but I never went. I didn't want to remember her like that, and I knew everyone told me about regretting it or not. I knew it upset my Mom that I didn't, but I just couldn't. And I still don't regret it. But that's just me.

Another story from back in '97 - my Uncle (the grandmother's son) was not well for part of the year. In August he was diagnosed with brain cancer (terminal). He lived in S.Carolina, and I (and my Mom) in California. I was heartbroken, and my Mom has never been in the best of health. I had a 3 year old child at the time, but I just knew I had to hop on a plane and see him and say goodbye. And I needed to make sure my Mom got there as well. It was around labor day weekend that year, and I got there on a Saturday night and flew home Monday - Mom stayed til Tuesday. And I kept in touch with my Aunt online for updates as well as an occasional phone call. I don't regret going at all, and felt so much better that I made the trip, even though it was quite difficult. My Uncle still was aware enough at that point to know what was going on, and he appreciated me being there. My aunt told me later that I was the favorite niece. Funny, I was scared of him as a little child & would run & hide when he'd come to visit. I miss him so much & still think about him often. This was the same weekend that Princess Diana was killed in the car accident. I knew nothing about it at all til I got to the airport to fly home.

So now that I've bored you to tears... just do what you feel is right. Death is just part of life...

 

[coemgen]

Lancemc, sorry I'm just now seeing this. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. It's terribly sad to have this suddenly come upon her and everyone else. I'll definitely be praying for her, you and your family. I'm glad you made the decision to go. I got to see my grandfather on my dad's side and grandmother on my mom's side days before they died. It was terribly sad, but I'm forever grateful I got to say goodbye and I know it meant a lot for me and other family members to be there, too.

Hang in there. May God give you peace and understanding during this time.

 

[gman]

Sounds exactly how my mother went. At the end of the day Lance, you have to do what suits you. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. You will always have your memories of her, unless you get a bump on the head!
As i sed, the symptoms are exactly same as what took my mother, difference being I last saw her 5 days b4 she died. Nobody saw it coming. I got a phone call about about 8-30 one saturday morning to tell me to get to hospital quick as crash teeam was with my mother. I was alone with my 3 kids at the time as my then fiancee was working away. just got things organised then phone went and was told she had gone. I did see her in the coffin and it was not how i wanted to remember her as they had made an arse of it.
It breaks my heart to this day. As I sed, do what suits you pal, you know best!!

 

[AchtungGirl219]

I'm so so sorry for you and your family.

I know how you feel... and I think you've made the right decision... I know it's hard... I was there when my Pa died (holding his hand) and it was one of the most important moments of my life...

And you know what? When I remember him I remember all of the wonderful times I had with him and his amazing personality, warm heart and how he always always made me laugh... of course I can't forget how sick he was but the good stuff always shines through...

I hope you will be okay... stay strong...

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

Sorry Lance

 

[tiny dancer]

Prayers are being sent your way. ray:

 

[Lancemc]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the prayers and the kind words.

I did get to see her... several times. She's still alive, and has been moved back into her house with a stay-in nurse. It's not looking good at all though. She's been blind since Monday I think, and the left side of her body has stopped functioning. We're all praying for a swift and painless passing. It's really all anyone can do now.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I'm sorry Lance

My mother was with my uncle when he died, and the way she described it to me will be forever in my memory as one of the most beautiful moments I ever shared with her. As strange as that is to say, it's true. So I think perhaps you will be glad that you went to see her- regret about something that you could or should have done in a situation like that is painful to live with when it's too late.

 

[redhotswami]

Just wanted to thank everyone for the prayers and the kind words.

I did get to see her... several times. She's still alive, and has been moved back into her house with a stay-in nurse. It's not looking good at all though. She's been blind since Monday I think, and the left side of her body has stopped functioning. We're all praying for a swift and painless passing. It's really all anyone can do now.

I'm glad you got to see her. It isn't easy, but I'm grateful for the times I've been able to say goodbye to my loved ones. I wish I could say goodbye to them all before they pass away.

 

[Lila64]

 

[U2Girl1978]

 

[cell]

 

[BonosBaby12]

 

[JCOSTER]

ray:

 

[AtomicBono]

I'm so sorry lance... I'm glad your family is there so you can support each other through this, at least. I honestly don't know what it feels like as I've never lost anyone close to me, so I don't have any advice, but I'll be thinking of you.

 

[cobl04]

This is what happened to my Grandfather. I adored him, and, six months on, the pain is still there, and I keep having dreams about him.

Anyway he was the healthiest 87? year old man you have ever seen. He was admitted to hospital with a brain tumor. He was fine, I talked to him, we were discussing where he was going to stay when he got out.

Then WHAM he falls into a coma. The hospital calls and then Dad calls me, asking do I want to go in and see Pa. He says he won't be awake, he looks bad. It's up to you. I began to cry it I couldn't decide if I wanted to go or not.

My other Grandfather passed away about 18 months ago now, and I never got to go in and see him, and that's why I was so distraught. I didn't get any closure.

Eventually I went in to see him, and I am so glad I did. Walking down the hospital corridors was by far the scariest, most intimidating moment of my life so far. I was shocked when I saw him. Literally shocked. But about 40 minutes later we walked out, and I had the closure I needed.

So my point is I think you made the right decision. Closure will help so much and I still feel rotten over not being able to see my other grandfather before he passed away.

It was a lot to happen to a 16 year old.

Anyway sorry to hijacki the thread and my condolensces to you and your family.

 

[Lancemc]

She passed away around 9:00 PM tonight. She went quietly and painlessly. Now it's time to get super sad and buy shoes for the funeral.

 

[LemonMelon]

She passed away around 9:00 PM tonight. She went quietly and painlessly. Now it's time to get super sad and buy shoes for the funeral.

Sorry to hear that, man. Hang in there. The worst is over. Remember to be with your family as much as possible right now...in these tough family situations, you have to stick together.

 

[Lila64]

So sorry Lance. May she rest in peace