HELP! Can I tust my heart??

[jessi-ma-ca]

So I have a question for you all…

This guy and I have had something going on for ages, we flirted hung out all of the time and would eventually hook up, but then there was no follow throught. It just kind got stuck in this limbo like place where we weren’t quite friends but we weren’t together. Things got awkward, but we still liked each other.

After time apart and time doing this weird thing, we have finally got things together and are seeing each other. We are at uni together, but it is holidays so I haven’t seen him for a while. Since then, we have been chatting, and sending stuff to each other.

But all of a sudden I just know that he is not the guy for me. I havent meet anyone else. Its like my heart knows that it is over.

My question at the end of this rant, is how can I know this when nothing has changed, when I haven’t even seen him? Is my heart right, or am I being silly?


PS thanks for everyone’s thoughts. I don’t really post often, but I am a fully fledged lurker

 

[AtomicBono]

well, i have zero experience with relationships, but i do know that this happens all the time. people fall in love, they fall out of love.

it could be that when you're around him again you are reminded of why you liked him so much in the first place, so i wouldn't end it yet. but it can happen, unfortunatley, that your feelings just change for no real reason.

and when it comes to feelings, your heart is always right. doesn't mean it's smart or logical or beneficial to you, but it's how you feel

there's nothing wrong with being in a casual relationship. not every relationship has to lead to marriage. the trouble comes when one of the parties is far more attached than the other. wait it out for awhile, see if you still feel this way in a month. you should eventually break up if you aren't feelin' it anymore, but don't be too hasty.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Sounds halfhearted to begin with. He was someone worth not ignoring, but not quite worth pursuing, either.

I'd say trust your heart, but also see what happens when semester starts back.

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

Sounds halfhearted to begin with. He was someone worth not ignoring, but not quite worth pursuing, either.

I'd say trust your heart, but also see what happens when semester starts back.

In some respects this is correct. But in many other ways it isn’t. we met at college, so I live with 300 other ppl who all make your business their’s. And it was hard for a long time having a relationship not just with him, but with all the interested witnesses.

I had this same thought with myself before we started to go out last year, but I knew it was now all or nothing. There was no more time for stuffing around, if I was going to do this, I was going to do it properly. So on my part once the commitment was made there was no halfway about it.


i think not being hasty is a good idea, but its hard to do that too him when my heart seems so certain. even harder when i havent seen him....

 

[Angela Harlem]

not every relationship needs a concrete reason to end, does it? it doesn't have to be an affair, a fight, one moving too far away, etc? i've had one or two end just because it was somehow not 'right' to continue. this can make things more confusing, as you dont have a reason to fall back on and direct your hurt and anger to, but sometimes we just emotionally or whatever drift apart. it doesn't mean you dont still care very much for them, or that you even dislike or hate the person. you just know it's not meant to be.

it's awfully vague. i'm not helping much, sorry.

 

[Mr. Green Eyes]

I have no experience with relationships, but I would say that you should trust your heart. If this isn't the guy for you, then keep in mind, you will eventually find the one.

 

[JCOSTER]

If your doubting the other guy you haven't seen in awhile....then maybe he's not the one for you.

And the new person just might be.

 

[Liesje]

In some respects this is correct. But in many other ways it isn’t. we met at college, so I live with 300 other ppl who all make your business their’s. And it was hard for a long time having a relationship not just with him, but with all the interested witnesses.

I can commiserate. The same was true for me. I went to a small religious college and started going out w/ my current husband my freshman year. He was an RA in our dorm, and I didn't know this but I guess there's an unwritten rule that the RAs don't date. To make it worse, his serious ex-gf of three years lived across the hall from me. But I had a lot of fun with him and my new college friends were friends/girlfriends of his suite mates. I told myself that I was probably just a rebound girl, but since I hadn't gone looking for a relationship, I took it in stride and just wanted to have fun and get to know people. I got a lot of crap from people who either thought RAs shouldn't date or who were confused about him breaking up w/ his ex and then me in the picture. It was weird, but those girls were crazy, spent more time in other peoples' business than cleaning up their own.

I think you need to do what's right for you since you are young and should not be tying yourself down just because it might seem easier/less messy. If you don't want to commit, then don't. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

i think that this is the problem. it does have to be all or nothing.

we have tried keeping it light... especially with the never ending round about we did for ages, freinds, more than and back to friends again it is just so difficult emotionally. especially in an environment where people watch what you do.

i know things arent always forever, and i am fine with that. it almost feels like a woke up one morning and thought that i dont want to be with him, and how we dont fit in one anothers lives and never will.


i think the dificult times are only begining... going back to uni and college at the start of term is going to be hard.

 

[jessi-ma-ca]

It's funny, I have been sitting here thinking about what I wrote in the above comments, and what was going through my head as I re-read and wrote the above comments. And I feel like my head has been defending him and this relationship., trying to almost justify its existence. I feel like my heart and head is at war. And I thing everyone is right in the fact that I should follow my heart, but that is so much easier that it sounds.

And I hate the fact I sound like a sook, that I cant do what know is right. Especially since normally I have no problem doing what I want, saying how I feel and standing up for what I believe. Yet here I am debating with myself over this whole dilemma.

 

[Liesje]

Well if it has to be all or nothing and you have any doubts, you'd better go with nothing.

 

[Got Philk?]

Jessi-ma-ca,
First, I'm the crazy guy who broke RA rules and dated Liesje. And I assure you she never was a rebound chick. I don't do that.

I think you sound like a person that doesn't need to hear this, but regardless of what the 300 people think, you have to not worry about them, but worry about what you want.

Exactly what Angela Harlem said. If something doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right. Perhaps you will learn just what wasn't right some time later in life, maybe in another relationship. Or perhaps as time goes on where you're not thinking of this so much.

I hope I added something...I hope you can feel a sense of clarity on this issue. Though, in my experience, you might not until you make a decision. And if or when you do, just remember it's really not too late to switch back.

peace
philk

 

[CKONE]

I am an old romantic and knew when I met my wife that was that! No more half hearted relationships, no more excuses to avoid, no more pretend 'I love you's'.

There is no doubt in my heart or my head. If there is doubt its probably just one of life's practise relationships.

 

[Lancemc]

No matter what you decide, I'll also just say to follow your heart. One's gut instincts are usually correct, and if you can maintain the clarity of thought to recognize what your heart is really telling you, then you should follow that. I'm not guaranteeing that it will always lead to an amazingly successful relationship or in this case, peace of mind, but if you follow your heart, things will find a way of working out.

 

[anitram]

I'm going to partially disagree with ^.

Sometimes, you need to think with your brain in these situations, because it lets you look at things more clearly and objectively. Love isn't logical, but so many times, you are clouded by your emotions when rational people around you can spot other things.

IMO, you need both, and I never follow one exclusively.

 

[redkat]

Listen to your gut

If you feel this way when you aren't around him, your head is clear and I'd believe it.