OMG LiveLuv, that's hilarious! Have you wormed her lately?
( only half serious there) Ummmm... sensible suggestions...
Continue to yell & hiss at her when she does something bad, to tell her it's definately her that pissed you off, and if you can catch her, lock her in another room/outside for a little while to show her you're really annoyed.
Put her out while you prepare food and make sure there is never anything edible on the bench so that when she investigates she can see there's no point. Then again, one of mine still crawls my legs every time I chop things at the bench even though 99.9999% of the time it's vegies.
The fish tank thing is BAD, hope she doesn't ever knock it over or fall in, LOL! Can you sprinkle something nasty smelling on the cover to deter her? Not something that will poison the fish but something like pepper or lemon peel often offends them.
Actually that might work on your kitchen bench too - also, if you have wood/tiled floors (anything but carpet) you could sprinkle a small amount of flour or salt which will gack up her paws & feel yuk to walk on, and taste
when she washes. Prob a bad idea if you have a velvet couch, expensive rugs & thick gorgeous berber through out though LOL.
Check access too - if you make it easy to get onto things she'll never stop. If there is any furniture next to the bench or fish tank that she's easily stepping across from, see if you can move anything away to make it that wee bit fiddlier for her to get up there.
One that may sound silly, but may help with her landing in your lap during dinner - always feed your cats when the family sits down to eat. Cats get extremely offended if you sit down to a meal and don't give them anything. They feel left out - even if that's because you fed them while cooking to get them out of your hair, a handful of dry food will still hopefully distract her.
Reward her for being good, too, if she ever is. When you feed her in her regular spot, give her a big pat and tell her she's a good girl kind of thing. If you cut up meat & give her scraps, always take it through to the food place, don't let her have any on the counter or at your feet to get her out of the way. Consistency helps them to get what you're on about.
Anyhow, sounds like you've got your hands full, but good luck!
One question - is she ginger? They're usually the most trouble.
Cheers ~Ultra