BabyGrace
Refugee
I'm so depressed right now, usually I can get out of it but lately I haven't been able to for some reason. so I'm gonna let it all spill because maybe it will help a little. if you don't feel like reading about my petty troubles, go no further. just don't say I didn't warn you.
I don't know how someone like myself, a girl who has everything, money, family, wonderful friends, a great place to live, etc. can be miserable so much. or why for that matter. but the truth is I feel awful right now and there's a couple of things contributing to it..
I switched teams in the spring and while that may not seem like a big deal, I swim about 24 hours of every week. that's pretty much all my free waking hours during the school year. so I spend a lot of time with the people there. the problem comes in when you're not getting along with them that well..they're a really close-knit group that have been together since about 10 years ago and they're not horribly welcoming, whether they mean it or not, to new people. several kids that joined when I did have quit, and I know my sister's having a tough time, too. so that's not helping.
then, to make matters worse, there's one guy there who's nice to me, I go and fall for him, and he's more than I could ever dream of having. He's funny, he's intelligent, he's cool, he's wild, he's sexy, he's 100% bad-ass on the outside and 100% compassionate on the inside, he could care less what people think of him, he's unafraid, he's thoughtful...and he couldn't give a fuck about me. actually that's not fair, he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me, it's just to him I'm just another girl.
another problem I've been going up against lately is my own mind. no matter where I go it just seems like the world is full of lonely people trying to pretend they're happy and make themselves feel fullfilled by hurting others, and thus demonstrating their own strength in exposing others' weaknesses. you know that feeling you get when you're somewhere, hanging out with friends, maybe at a party, and you're having a great time and then it suddenly hits you and you feel like you've never been lonlier in your life?maybe I just need a new perspective on my life..
I just think the world would be so much easier if people were kinder to eachother. or maybe that's my own insecurities showing through.
of course it doesn't help that I'm don't like myself all that much. I'm smart but I'm not intelligent. I'm self-centered but I feel I have to be that way to survive. problem is, you only get what you give. and I dont' feel like i can give anymore. and then there's the fact that I have two gorgeous sisters, one who's gonna be a super-model, I swear..she's 13 and she has 18 yr old guys after her. and of course I'm average. isn't that the way life works? i just can't come to peace with who I am and until I figure out how to, I know I can't be happy.
I just wish I could get rid of all this, figure out how to let go without letting go..
if you read this, you cna now cart me away to a mental hospital please. I know most people go through this kind of thing, they just don't like to admit it. but if anyone feels like telling me how they've dealt with it, well I'm listening.
now I just feel like being a wimp and crying so I'm leaving.
I don't know how someone like myself, a girl who has everything, money, family, wonderful friends, a great place to live, etc. can be miserable so much. or why for that matter. but the truth is I feel awful right now and there's a couple of things contributing to it..
I switched teams in the spring and while that may not seem like a big deal, I swim about 24 hours of every week. that's pretty much all my free waking hours during the school year. so I spend a lot of time with the people there. the problem comes in when you're not getting along with them that well..they're a really close-knit group that have been together since about 10 years ago and they're not horribly welcoming, whether they mean it or not, to new people. several kids that joined when I did have quit, and I know my sister's having a tough time, too. so that's not helping.
then, to make matters worse, there's one guy there who's nice to me, I go and fall for him, and he's more than I could ever dream of having. He's funny, he's intelligent, he's cool, he's wild, he's sexy, he's 100% bad-ass on the outside and 100% compassionate on the inside, he could care less what people think of him, he's unafraid, he's thoughtful...and he couldn't give a fuck about me. actually that's not fair, he wouldn't ever intentionally hurt me, it's just to him I'm just another girl.
another problem I've been going up against lately is my own mind. no matter where I go it just seems like the world is full of lonely people trying to pretend they're happy and make themselves feel fullfilled by hurting others, and thus demonstrating their own strength in exposing others' weaknesses. you know that feeling you get when you're somewhere, hanging out with friends, maybe at a party, and you're having a great time and then it suddenly hits you and you feel like you've never been lonlier in your life?maybe I just need a new perspective on my life..
I just think the world would be so much easier if people were kinder to eachother. or maybe that's my own insecurities showing through.
of course it doesn't help that I'm don't like myself all that much. I'm smart but I'm not intelligent. I'm self-centered but I feel I have to be that way to survive. problem is, you only get what you give. and I dont' feel like i can give anymore. and then there's the fact that I have two gorgeous sisters, one who's gonna be a super-model, I swear..she's 13 and she has 18 yr old guys after her. and of course I'm average. isn't that the way life works? i just can't come to peace with who I am and until I figure out how to, I know I can't be happy.
I just wish I could get rid of all this, figure out how to let go without letting go..
if you read this, you cna now cart me away to a mental hospital please. I know most people go through this kind of thing, they just don't like to admit it. but if anyone feels like telling me how they've dealt with it, well I'm listening.
now I just feel like being a wimp and crying so I'm leaving.