AI Recaps-February 7th
“Best of the Rest”
Auditions have been going on for the past 87 weeks. Well, it sure seems that way. To celebrate the end of this long, tedious, exhausting journey, I am enjoying a glass (okay, several glasses) of wine.
Now AI isn’t here just to entertain us; it’s also here to teach us necessary life lessons. Pay attention there may be a quiz at the end of the show. Damn, I’m just not a good test taker.
Lesson-Have a Memorable and Distinctive Look
Christa: Well, Christa has a memorable and distinctive look. She’s wearing Scarlett O’Hara’s corset, dad’s bermuda shorts, grandma’s hat circa 1947, and fuck-me pumps. I think Christa’s look is channeling Sybil. Too bad she can’t channel good singing.
Tami: After Christa’s look of multiple personalities, Tami’s lip ring is down right tame. She sings “Whipping Post” made very memorable by Bo Bice in the fourth season. I love her voice, very sexy. I think her gritty and unpolished look is welcome relief after some of the Barbies we’ve been treated to (Baylie Brown, I’m looking in your direction).
Lesson-Seek Inspiration
Paul Kim: Paul was inspired by William Hung to audition-to show that Asians do not have to be a national punch line. Thanks to my lovely AI spies, I was privy to Mr. Kim’s
Myspace. In his audition, Paul proves he can sing, but in his Myspace page, Paul proves he can SANG! His voice is vocal sex and I am completely sated. Anyone have a cigarette?
Jack: From vocal sex, we go to vocal celibacy. Jack claims to be inspired by Bo. Poor Bo. He doesn’t deserve this.
Lesson-Never Give Up
Gina: Many of the auditioners were not AI virgins, including Gina. Gina got to Hollywood last season, but didn’t get very far. Now she’s back for more. She sings “Black Velvet” and unlike Sandie from yesterday, you can actually make out the song. Gina can sing and has a huge crush on Simon. She gets another chance. Will she get further than Hollywood week? We’ll find out.
Edward: Edward has a serious jones for Paula. Let’s ignore Edward’s singing (please), and discuss Paula’s dress. How cute is it? I wonder where she got it. Usually Paula makes fashion missteps, but that dress is simply adorable.
Lesson-Audition on Your Own
Now we have three carhops-Heather, Ashley, and Ebony.
Heather: Can sing, but kind of meh.
Ashley: Sings better than Heather (marginally better), but unfortunately set her make-up gun to “whore.”
Ebony: Can SANG! She’s definitely my favorite out of the three. She shows the most potential.
Ashley and Ebony skate away with golden tickets. Heather asks you if you want fries with your order.
In case you’ve been out of the AI loop, the show is running a contestant for viewers to write the coronation song for the next AI winner. Considering some of the dreck of the past five years, I figure any of us could write a better song using the words found in a game of Boggle. But I digress.
William: Using the acronym Wes, Wes decides to auditon using a original song, “Don’t Worry, Don’t Hurry.” And don’t give this guy a golden ticket.
Now we are told to shake our moneymaker, and we get a dancing montage. These people make Taylor Hicks look like Gene Kelly.
Alex: Well, Alex is very flexible and was inspired by Paula Abdul when it comes to dancing. ...5678 JAZZ HANDS! Great guy, but can’t sing and isn’t going to Hollywood. He is a nice kid, and I’m glad the judges weren’t brutal to him.
Lesson-Clarity
We learn that it’s important to actual be understood when we sing. Imagine that? We are asked to “Name that Song.” Um, I can’t. I’m so glad I’m drinking. Riesling has never tasted so good.
Lakisha: Note the Lakisha’s footwear. I love her shoes (damn, I must be desperate if I’m paying more attention to what people are wearing than the songs they are singing). She sings Aretha’s “Think” and blows it out of the park. Remember when Kat sang this last year? Me neither. Lakisha really gets into the spirit of the song. What do I think? I think she’s great. I’m glad she got through.
In the end we get a montage of memorable auditions, both the great and the grating.
Next week we get to the drama known as “Hollywood Week.” Remind me to replenish my wine rack.