AI Recaps-January 24th
New York Auditions
I heart New York. Will the Big Apple be a Big Dud or a Big Success? Award-winning songwriter Carol Bayer Sager decides to sit a spell with the AI judges. I bet most of the kids auditioning will have no idea who she is. “When you get caught between the moon and the AI judges...”
Ian: Ian comes in with some roadkill around his neck and a huge claim to fame. He auditioned form “So You Think You Can Dance?” He also claims to have a long, impressive resume, at many fine eating and retail establishments, I’m sure. He sings “Gloria” and is horrible. Simon calls it rubbish and this Yank agrees with him. Ian has a hissyfit. How dare Simon and all British judges deny him superstar status. Somehow I don’t think Taylor Who and Carrie Underwear have anything to worry about.
Sarah: Sarah had to lie to her parents about auditioning for AI. She cries in front of the judges, and I wonder if she can keep together. Her father thinks she shouldn’t sing. Has he ever heard her? She’s very good, and has a wonderful tone. I actually puddled up a bit when she called her dad to tell him the good news. I just hope she has the strength to handle Hollywood week.
Fania: She’s Constantine’s female counterpart. However, she can’t sing. My Big Fat Greek Dreading.
Ashanti: Ashanti is returning to Idol, and gets another no. She has a scenery chewing moment of pure melodrama. I thought she was going to break out with “And I’m Telling You.”
Now we have New Jersey BFFs Amanda and Antonella. Gee, I didn’t know New Jersey had Valley Girls. Both Amanda and Antonella are very pretty so you know Simon is interested. But can they actually sing?
Amanda: She’s got a good voice, but is melisma city. She gets an unenthusiastic yes from the judges.
Antonella: Though she doesn’t have the training of her BFF Amanda, Antonella is a much better singer, and has a more distinct sound to her voice. She gets very positive feedback from the judges. Antonella will be joining Amanda in Hollywood. Will their friendship survive?
Clifton: He claims his talent shouldn’t got to waste. Actually his talent is waste, toxic waste. And he needs to learn how to pronounce the word “Tush.” Then Clifton brings out the harmonica. Yea, that’s really going to go over well with Simon. Not surprisingly, Clifton doesn’t get a golden ticket.
Philip: Loud and awful
Jose: I just remember his bright turquoise hair.
William: Ugh!
Kia: She can sing, but don’t these kids know that subtlety can be a good thing? The judges like her, but want her to tone it down.
The next day, Simon arrives late because he is nursing a hangover. With some of the auditioners, I can’t blame him for hitting the bottle.
Jenry: Is it just me or does he look a bit like the model Tyson Beckford? Henry is only 16 but sings with a maturity that belies his young years. I’m impressed (as is Paula, calm down girl), and Henry is off to Hollywood.
Nakia: She’s so hyper that she makes Taylor look still and zen-like. She sings two songs, and though she boasts a big, bluesy voice, it’s all over the place. It’s as if she has no control over it. She’s not going to Hollywood. I actually felt bad for her. She seems like a good kid.
Sarah: Another Sarah auditions, but is light years from the Sarah who auditioned the day before. This Sarah sings Selena’s “Dreaming of You.” I dream of puncturing out my ear drums. She claims she can’t sing, but she still thinks she’s the next American Idol. Um, news flash, Sarah. Being able to sing is the operative goal in being the next American Idol. She’s not unique; she’s obnoxious. With contestants like Sarah, I can understand why the judges go out drinking at the end of the day.
Antonio: He sings “New Yor, New Yor.” Just where is New Yor? Anybody know?
Jorie: From the Great White North, comes Jorie. She sings beautifully. I just love her warm, inviting tone. She knows when to be subtle and she knows when to belt. She’s going to Hollywood! Yeah!
Porcellana: Porcellana claims to be an American Idol Soldier from Queens. She just lost a lot of weight. Bravo to her for shedding the pounds. But can she sing? She sings in a gritty, interesting voice, and is a welcome change from the usual perky, pageant princess types.
Christopher: Christopher gets compared to George Michael and Simon Cowell. Yea, I see the resemblance, but I don’t want to know if Christopher has man boobies like Simon. There are some things I don’t need to know. He sings. Dude sings like a lady. I think he needs to check out auditioning for some drag shows on Christopher Street. And Simon and Paula need to sit in separate corners until they can behave.
Rachel: An opera student, Rachel starts off with a Jeff Buckley tune. I know some people who would be mighty pissed off if she screwed up a Jeff Buckley song. She then sings “Get Here.” However, she sounds best when she sings opera. But singing for the Met won’t get you access into Hyde or the Viper Room like singing on American Idol. All three of the singing Rachels get a golden ticket.
Christopher: Another Christopher, this one from Virginia. Sings “A Song For You.” His version isn’t quite as velvety sexy like Elliott Yamin’s, but Christopher is good, and has a look and style that you know the young girls and middle-aged women like Paula Abdul swooning over.
Nicholas: Nicholas is back for more. He made it to Hollywood last year, but bailed out during Hollywood week. He sings “Fly Me to the Moon” and gets a second chance. Let’s hope he doesn’t bail out this time.
Isadora/Julie: She claims she’s clairvoyant. I’m clairvoyant too. I don’t see Hollywood in Isadora/Julie’s future, perhaps a straight jacket.
At the end of two long days, 35 people are going to Hollywood. Next week, AI goes to where Idols seem to be born-Birmingham, Alabama. Yes, Sweet Home Alabama-the place that gave us Ruben, Bo, and Taylor.