16 Year Old Marries Her 40 Year Old High School Track Coach

[MrsSpringsteen]

How can you not assume the worst? She was 14 when it started. It doesn't matter what either one of them felt or whether it was real love or not.

It never should have progressed to the point of falling in love. The adult authority figure never should have let this get beyond a student-teacher relationship. Students have crushes on teachers and coaches all the time and the adult has to have enough self restraint to make sure it doesn't turn into something more.

I sent my kids to school for an education, not to get busy with their teachers.

I have to agree with that. If they have real love well they can wait until she is older and more mature and then get married. Let's see how the relationship progresses and matures and if it can survive that. I think back to when I was 16 and how I would think some guy was just the be all and end all when in reality I had no clue-and they were boys not 40 year old men who were much wiser about the world than 16 year old boys, ostensibly. Age difference doesn't matter when both people are sufficiently emotionally equipped for the relationship and it is on equal footing so to speak- neither is in a teacher/coach/similar position of authority. There may be issues that this girl has that she somehow thinks he is the solution for. If so those should be dealt with.

Whether the guy is a dirtbag or not is irrelevant, he had no business getting involved with her in his position and with the age difference within that position.

Put yourself personally in that position-if it was your 16, 14 year old daughter or son. It's easy to speak about in the abstract. We seem to believe for many reasons that 16 and 17 year olds are so mature and ready for all of this. I just have to wonder about a 40 year old guy being involved with and attracted to a girl that young and what is going on with him. Can't help that, that is a red flag for me.

 

[absintheminded]

I just have to give some points on this issue. Everyone is making a big deal about her only being 14-16, she's too young, she's not even fully developed, blah blah blah.

I had a friend in elementary, yes- ELEMENTARY, who had a baby during her sixth grade year. Her single mother, the boy's parents, and school officials suggested she have an abortion, reason being, "She's just a child, she wouldn't know how to raise a child." The single mother had problems raising her own daughter and how could she afford to raise another one on her own?
Despite all of this, she refused, continued to go to school by homeschooling, went back to Jr high after the baby was born, and continued until she graduated. She went to college after that and is now twenty nine years old and is a nurse. Her son is now 17 years old and is graduating from a school in Seattle and is on the honor roll and is going to go to U-of Washington to be a doctor. Venus credits her son as a lifesaver, seeing as when she was 11, she was getting into drinking and drugging and when she had him, he inspired her to turn her life around.

Same school, different friend, ahem, my best friend in elementary. We went to highschool together and we sort of grew apart. At fourteen she told me that she was having an affair with her dad's best friend, 18 years her senior. I was shocked. She told me that they were going to run away together and get married. I quickly told her parents about it and they stopped it. NO more than six months later she met a 22 year old army man and a few months later, she dropped out of highschool and they ran off and got married and had to leave state to avoid her parents, I guess she faked being 17...I don't know. All I know now is that she is also 29, a stay at home mom, her husband is back and forth to Iraq, but they've been together, happily, all these years and have four beautiful children.

I, on the other hand, was a slow child. While other girls my age were developing mentally, liking boys and parties, stuff like that, I preferred barbie dolls until I was 14. I didn't start highschool parties until I was 17, almost 18. It was like I was mentally always three or four years behind.

Like the person said, "Children mature differently and a lot faster than others."

My grandmother was to marry, by a matchmaker, when she was only fifteen years old to a man that she never met and he was eight or nine years older than her. They were together until death.

In some cultures, like Indian chiefs as old as 80 were taking on 12 year old wives (circa 1860).

When I was 14 I developed a major and serious crush on Bono, who was 32...and IF I could I would have ran off and married him...regardless of if he was my music teacher or not. Circumstantial evidence weighs much more than society standards.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

So possibly we could say because it works out for some kids we should allow it. Teachers should be allowed to be involved with students- sexually, romantically. We should have no standard. Forty year olds should date 13 and 14 year olds-hey why not even younger? What about when it doesn't work? It's not just the age, it's the position he had.

The guy was texting her at 2AM- odds are they weren't discussing track. Then he denied anything was going on when that was discovered.

 

[absintheminded]

So since she was 16 they couldn't call the cops on him? When did they find out that he was seeing her? When she was 14 or 15?

They should have called the cops on him then. That's what I would have done, had my daughter been seeing her teacher.

The fact that the parents didn't do any of this is red flags to me. This man should not be taking advantage of any student, no. He really should be behind bars.

 

[BVS]

I can't see how anyone can think this is OK. Who here was ready to make a life altering decision at age 14? Raise your hand...

And anyone who thinks that an authority figure having a relationship with their student is going to be a true and equal relationship is lying to themselves.

 

[anitram]

I had a friend in elementary, yes- ELEMENTARY, who had a baby during her sixth grade year.

And probably 99% of the children who have babies at that age end up living a MUCH different life than your friend did.

Third world cultures are different. Somebody having a baby at the age of 12 or 13 in our society is a failure of the social and parental safety net.

The teacher is in a position of trust and a position of authority. He has NO business dating a 14 year old student in that position. Period. We are adults who can control our behaviour. Maybe most teachers felt attracted to some student at some point, who knows. But nearly all of them understand the inappropriate nature of starting up a relationship. A 40 year old man who feels an attraction to a 14 year old child and then pursues her or responds to her pursuit in the middle of the night and lies about it later...certainly suggests his judgment is poor if not impaired.

40 year old teachers have NO business dating their 14 year old students. And if you heard of a 40 year old man going to Cambodia or Thailand to romance a 14 year old, we're all repulsed by his sexual attraction to a child.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

It says in the article that they went to "the law" so I would assume that means the police. I don't understand how anyone can think this is ok either. I feel old fashioned or something, I dunno. When I was in junior high I had a male teacher who would tease me by giving me a nickname for my name, would have "window ladies" who opened and closed the windows and brought his lunch to the refrigerator down the hall. And I thought those things and some of his other behavior was strange. Looking back on it when I got older I thought it was creepy and felt inappropriate. It was the looks he gave too, and the way he teased. When I was that age a girl that age was vulnerable to any sort of positive attention from males-you are so unsure of yourself and your looks and sexual feelings starting, etc. Positive attention from males means so much to you, but the thing is you need the time and maturity to sort all of that out and know yourself first before taking all of that on. Even when you are much older it is tough sometimes.

I believe that teacher I had made the news years later for some inappropriate sexual stuff, don't think it was with a student but my memory is fuzzy.

 

[BVS]

When I was 31 I dated someone 21, and it wasn't the age difference that got in the way it was maturity level and life experience level that got in the way. I cannot see how any 40 year old man can be attracted to(not speaking physically) a 14 year old unless it's the control aspect that he's attracted to.

He probably has bald spots older than her...

 

[absintheminded]

I never said this was ok, but I was reiterating what I thought about people saying that since she's "only 16" she doesn't know any better. A lot of children mature at different ages. Maybe this girl pursued him first...maybe she's not this innocent kid like we're making her out to be...

I never said it was ok for a 40 year old teacher to marry his student.
I understand exactly where you're coming from Mrs Springsteen, I had some unwarranted attention to myself from an older man that I thought was creepy and inappropriate.

But seriously though, this man should have been put in jail for his actions, pursuing a fourteen year old school girl, regardless of if she was in his school or not. But there must be some underlying issues because the parents obviously didn't do anything about their relationship when they first found out about it.

 

[Irvine511]

40 year old teachers have NO business dating their 14 year old students.

and this is the only thing that matters.

her parents should have been locked up 2 years ago.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Well even if she did pursue him, it is his responsibility to say no. That starts getting into a very dangerous area, taking it to where pedophiles are saying the kids are coming on to them. I'm not saying this guy is a pedophile, but I think it is understood what I mean.

When you are a 14 and 16 year old girl you are starting to realize how it can feel to have males find you attractive and you might behave accordingly in certain ways. That is innocent, it is part of growing up.That is not the same as coming on to someone and it is the adult's responsibility to draw the line. Or else we have no line.

 

[MirrorballLemon]

I'm a 23 yr old HS teacher...

I know what I think about this, but would it be any different if the coach was in his 20s?

 

[indra]

The guy's a creep, the parents are stupid, and the girl probably isn't much brighter, but somehow I just can't get all outraged about it.

If it was my kid would I have signed the consent form? No.

If it was my kid would I have worked as hard as possible to keep the pair separated? Of course. Can you say boarding school in a remote area far, far away?

Would I hire the guy to work in any way with children or teenagers? No.

But being outraged about it tends to lead to reactionary laws which do little more than give us other things to be outraged against (the case in the ten years in jail for oral sex thread for example). People do stupid things all the time and while I do think this isn't good for this kid, I also don't think it is necessarily going to irreparably destroy her life.

So creepy, yes. Interesting to ponder, yes. Outrage inducing, not really.

 

[BVS]

I'm a 23 yr old HS teacher...

I know what I think about this, but would it be any different if the coach was in his 20s?

No, it would still be an authority figure taking advantage. Even if they were a senior and of consenting age, it's not a proper relationship...

 

[A_Wanderer]

If only she was 20 and he was 44 (and not her teacher.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

I'm a 23 yr old HS teacher...

I know what I think about this, but would it be any different if the coach was in his 20s?

No. It happened at the high school I went to. The coach was convicted.

 

[anitram]

I'm a 23 yr old HS teacher...

I know what I think about this, but would it be any different if the coach was in his 20s?

It would be less creepy (sexually) but just as wrong because teachers have no business dating students. Period.

I mean, there are clear cut rules about doctors not being able to sleep with patients, lawyers not being able to sleep with clients, so why should this be any different? If anything, it's much worse because you're dealing with minors rather than adults who are employing your services.

 

[indra]

I mean, there are clear cut rules about doctors not being able to sleep with patients, lawyers not being able to sleep with clients, so why should this be any different?

Aren't those rules within their licensing associations though, not actual laws?

 

[anitram]

Aren't those rules within their licensing associations though, not actual laws?

Well what criminal law provision states that a teacher can't date a 14 year old, provided there is no intercourse?

 

[indra]

Well what criminal law provision states that a teacher can't date a 14 year old, provided there is no intercourse?

I didn't ask about a teacher and a student. I asked about a lawyer or a doctor dating an adult client.

 

[anitram]

Yes, the College of Physicians (or whatever it's called locally) and the Bar Associations set codes of ethical behaviour. Same goes for nurses, teachers, etc.

So I'm not really sure what your point was. I called them rules, not laws.

 

[A_Wanderer]

It's interesting how very different it is when the teacher is female and the male student ends up marrying her.

 

[fly so high!]

The parents are stupid.

The guy is a deadset creep.

The 16 year old girl has some issues:

i mean to be attracted to a 40yr old in the first place.....i mean shit.....i remember when i was 16, 40 was the age of my dad and that was frikkin' fossil material

But then again....... i can't talk (but anyhooo, I will!) LOL ......... i went out with a guy who was 10 years older than me , i was 18......he was a complete bastard, and i can only assume he was a little SPECIAL in the head.

I realised that when i reached the age of 28 myself and i had 2 children by then that i thought to myself what a sad,sad,sad little man for wanting to date a young girl like me , (i could not even contemplate dating someone, let alone having sex with a 18 year old man at that age, it was just WRONG!)

He would use guilt trips and know what buttons to press to get his own way with me.... i was trapped , i could not see the wood for the trees.

That is the reason why SOME men like 16-18yr olds.....it's all about CONTROL and POWER. They would not get away with those mindsets with women their own age

 

[Axver]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if these two had sex even the day before their wedding, it would be considered statutory rape, right?

It strikes me as a huge legal inconsistency that two people can legally have sex inside a marriage despite the fact that if they didn't have a piece of paper and a fancy ceremony, it would be illegal and he'd be off to jail. The way I see it, if you can't legally have sex, you shouldn't be able to legally get married.

This story is hideously repulsive.

 

[fly so high!]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if these two had sex even the day before their wedding, it would be considered statutory rape, right?

It would if she was under the age of consent (16) but she is already 16.

I'm just wondering if the parents/friends or other reli's can still stop the marriage by objecting to the marriage at the church or celebrant....you know....the bit when the priest says "Is there anyone that is against or objects to this union/marriage", or something like that.

I've been to a few weddings and they all say that , i have never been to one that someone that has actually piped up and said "Yes", thank God, it would be awful to have that happen but it must be in place for a reason,surely.

 

[BluRmGrl]

This is a big story here... Brunswick Co. is New Hanover Co.'s/Wilmington NC's backyard - just across the Cape Fear River, actually.

According to yesterday's local paper, Windy's parents did everything they knew to interrupt/interfere with the relationship: they approached Wuchae when they realized their daughter had a potentially dangerous fascination/crush - he denied there was any reciprocation on his part. When they saw that to be untrue, they approached the school principal, the school board, and finally the county sherriff's office. None of these entities could find proof of any illegal activity - immoral & inappropriate perhaps, but not illegal.

The school board has since announced plans to develop something of a moral contract that their teachers would have to agree to & sign.

I don't know the family involved, but it's been reported that they did everything short of chain the kid to her bed to put an end to this. I think they finally chose the lesser of two evils: signing the consent & allowing her to take the path she wanted so they'll at least maintain something of a relationship with her, versus the alternative of trying to forbid her any longer & having the two of them run off to God knows where & never being heard of again.

As for the relationship itself, I personally think it's doomed, but who's to say? In spite of how she appears from this story, maybe she's a remarkably mature young woman & after the scandal blows over they'll just seem like any other May/December couple.

Again, from everything I've been able to read, these aren't parents who've raised a brat with no boundries & now are wringing their hands, crying 'Woe is me!' because they just don't understand how this could happen. These were involved parents who did everything they could legally do: followed her movements to & from work or school so they knew her whereabouts, monitored her cell phone, talked to school officials, etc. etc.

Interesting, though... I didn't realize this had gotten national attention.

 

[Bono's shades]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if these two had sex even the day before their wedding, it would be considered statutory rape, right?

It strikes me as a huge legal inconsistency that two people can legally have sex inside a marriage despite the fact that if they didn't have a piece of paper and a fancy ceremony, it would be illegal and he'd be off to jail. The way I see it, if you can't legally have sex, you shouldn't be able to legally get married.

This story is hideously repulsive.

I never even considered that.

You're right. Why should their being married make it suddenly OK? The marriage certificate isn't going to make her magically 18 instead of 16.

The hypocracy boggles the mind.

 

[BVS]

I never even considered that.

You're right. Why should their being married make it suddenly OK? The marriage certificate isn't going to make her magically 18 instead of 16.

The hypocracy boggles the mind.

Because they are straight, that's all that matters in this country.

 

[randhail]

was this guy actually her teacher or just her coach? because from the article it sounded like he was just her coach - if so, while not making it right, it would not be as bad as a teacher getting together with a student.

 

[Bono's shades]

was this guy actually her teacher or just her coach? because from the article it sounded like he was just her coach - if so, while not making it right, it would not be as bad as a teacher getting together with a student.

A high school coach is still in a position of authority over underage kids, so it's not really any different.