Shacking Up - Page 2 - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Free Your Mind > Free Your Mind Archive
Click Here to Login
 
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 11-18-2002, 04:58 AM   #21
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
daisybean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Born under a bad sign with a blue moon in your eyes
Posts: 8,577
Local Time: 01:11 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by LarryMullen's_POPAngel
Every couple is different, and they have to go with what works best.



My brother and his wife lived together for a number of years before getting married. They are still quite happy together.

My sister and her boyfriend have been living together for 4 years now. I don't know if they plan on getting married or not...and frankly I don't care, they are happy in the situation they are in. If they get married, fine, if not, fine.
__________________

__________________
"....But all I ever hear from you is "
daisybean is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 10:39 AM   #22
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
oliveu2cm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Live from Boston
Posts: 8,334
Local Time: 02:11 PM
Normal

I personally wouldn't do it. My best friend from high school did though, and they're getting married next October. I feel, however, that living together is a very strong commitment, and if he wants to do that then he can think about getting married. I don't play house. I can NOT IMAGINE living with someone and having the relationship falling through. I like my sanity too much, thanks!
__________________

oliveu2cm is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 10:48 AM   #23
New Yorker
 
Scarletwine's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Outside it's Amerika
Posts: 2,746
Local Time: 01:11 PM
My husband and I lived together for awhile before we were married. It was an economical necessity as well as emotional. We've been married 15 years, so I don't think the statistics are necessarily correct. It depends on your commitment to your marriage.

I think it is a good idea in most cases.
Scarletwine is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 01:06 PM   #24
Offishul Kitteh Doctor
Forum Moderator
 
bonosloveslave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Taking care of kitties
Posts: 9,655
Local Time: 02:11 PM
Ok - so to throw in a few more details........

-My sis is the girl involved, she's 21.
-The guy is someone she works with, he's 28 (this is actually the 4th guy she has chosen to date from the same restaurant).
-He is married - in process of divorce, but it's gonna be a few months yet until it is finalized.
-He has a 3 year old daughter that he and his wife are in a custody battle over.
-Part of the reason that he finally left was that he didn't think he could hold back much longer from hitting his wife during their arguments (his father was abusive to his mother).

I am just in shock that my sister cannot put the pieces together to see that this is a bad situation!

Only my mom has met him so far, and the current family fight is should he be invited to Thanksgiving dinner or not? I don't think this would be a good occasion for our first introductions.


____________
Sorry, this has gotten kind of personal, if the mods feel the need to move it, that's ok.
__________________
bonosloveslave [at] interference.com
bonosloveslave is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 01:57 PM   #25
War Child
 
najeena's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: an island paradise
Posts: 995
Local Time: 06:11 PM
My Mother told me that to marry without seeing if you could stand to live with each other first was foolish. God rest her, she was always honest with me.

Najeena
najeena is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 02:24 PM   #26
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
ILuvLarryMullen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: in the sunshine
Posts: 6,904
Local Time: 10:11 AM
it seems to me that the problem with your sister is the type of guy she chose and not necessarily the fact that she wants to live with him. He doesn't sound like a good guy to date, much less live with. Would it still be as much of an issue with you if the guy she wanted to move in with was a good guy? I think the best thing for you to do is to is to try to council your sister about the types of guys she chooses to date, and not the fact that she wants to move in with someone, this way she won't think you're making a moral judgement on her (wether or not you intend to) and is less likely to get defensive, and more likely to listen. That's just the way I see things, I could be wrong. You know your sister, and I of course don't.
ILuvLarryMullen is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 02:29 PM   #27
Rock n' Roll Doggie
VIP PASS
 
cass's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: Australia.
Posts: 6,117
Local Time: 04:11 AM
hmmmmm.it is personal, but my humble opinion

RUN!!!don't walk run.
At least the guy is honest( about the urge to clobber the missus).That is scary imho.
My father was treated brutally as a child , so was my husband, so was I. I think it's a cop out to use that as an excuse. I'd be very very VERY cautious...but I remember being 21(or18) too. You think you know it ALL.
Ack!! it's a tricky thing....best wishes to your mom. Mom's always want things to go smoothly at family gatherings.
can I make a badjoke?...the guy sounds like a bit of a turkey!
cass is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 02:49 PM   #28
Blue Crack Addict
 
deep's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: A far distance down.
Posts: 28,600
Local Time: 10:11 AM
BLSlave,

How would you feel if this guy just got his divorce final, and she married him and then moved in with him?

This relationship sounds like a mistake.

If she moves in, hopefully she will be out in a few months and have gotten one heck of a learning experience.


On Thanksgiving, have him over and your family will do better being decent to him. I am sure you have all told her your reservations. In the end you will be family forever and this guy will most likely be a mistake she won't repeat.



I think this has less to do with “shaking up”, that it does with choosing the wrong partner.
deep is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 02:56 PM   #29
New Yorker
 
Scarletwine's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Outside it's Amerika
Posts: 2,746
Local Time: 01:11 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by bonosloveslave
[B]Ok - so to throw in a few more details........

-My sis is the girl involved, she's 21.
-The guy is someone she works with, he's 28 (this is actually the 4th guy she has chosen to date from the same restaurant).
-He is married - in process of divorce, but it's gonna be a few months yet until it is finalized.
-He has a 3 year old daughter that he and his wife are in a custody battle over.
-Part of the reason that he finally left was that he didn't think he could hold back much longer from hitting his wife during their arguments (his father was abusive to his mother).QUOTE]

I seriously dated a guy at your sisters age, that I would say wasn't a "good" guy either. My parents and brother tried to deter our relationship also. But being sure that I knew better than they, it only made me more determined to prove them wrong. So I'd be cautious about dissing him. Once they accepted him, I was able to see his bad points on my own.
Scarletwine is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 02:59 PM   #30
Offishul Kitteh Doctor
Forum Moderator
 
bonosloveslave's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Taking care of kitties
Posts: 9,655
Local Time: 02:11 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by deep
BLSlave,

How would you feel if this guy just got his divorce final, and she married him and then moved in with him?

Actually she was talking about moving out west with restaurant boy #3 and some other people from work just this summer. I asked her if she saw herself marrying him, and she said she did. So I told her she'd have a much better chance of things working out if just she and him got hitched in Vegas or whatever and then just winged it on their own without other people to complicate it! Of course that marrying man was for some reason dumped shortly thereafter.
Seriously, the divorce rate is bad enough, but it is significantly higher among couples who have lived together beforehand. SHe is saying that she does want to marry this new guy, and I said if he's worth marrying he's worth WAITING for! Sheesh! But this doesn't seem to make sense to anyone!


_________________
sorry deep, not ranting at you, this is just very stressful for me in general
__________________
bonosloveslave [at] interference.com
bonosloveslave is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 03:58 PM   #31
Blue Crack Addict
 
deep's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: A far distance down.
Posts: 28,600
Local Time: 10:11 AM
BLSlave,

I do not think you are ranting.

More importantly, I hope you do not think I am taunting.

I understand you love your younger sister very much and only have her happiness in mind.

You began this thread with a very general question. With the additional information you have provided I think it no longer really is about “shaking up”.

If she had married BF no 3, it would not have salvaged that relationship. She would be 21 and divorced.
I respect the choices you have made in your own life and the success you have had.

Most of my family and friends share your views about co-habitation. I think the stats are irrelevant.
One could argue that couples from the same nationality are less likely to get divorced than couples from different nationalities. That does not mean one should not get involved with someone from a different nationality.

Being an older sibling I have felt the frustration you seem to be expressing here. The conclusion I came to was that it did not matter how much I tried to persuade. As adults they did what they chose.

Now, I just try to calmly present what I believe is correct in a way they will hear me. Then I let go.
Most of the time my sincere advice is proven correct and they listen the next time. My emotional ranting only shut down the communication.

I know it is not easy.
deep is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 05:57 PM   #32
Blue Crack Addict
 
joyfulgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 16,652
Local Time: 12:11 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by DrTeeth
I don't even mind when people choose to live together without wanting to get married ever!

And they can adopt kids too if they want to

Quote:
Originally posted by deep
It is really only the business of the individuals involved.

I realize most religious adherents frown upon it. That is their right

When someone tells me so and so are living together, I think that is information.
When someone tells me so and so are shaking up, it sounds like a judgement.
joyfulgirl is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 07:20 PM   #33
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Band-aid
 
DrTeeth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: The Q continuum
Posts: 4,770
Local Time: 07:11 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by nbcrusader
Actually, recent studies showed that couples who lived together before marriage had a higher divorce rate.
The question is whether those higher divorce rate (if these numbers are real) is caused by the fact that these couples have been living together before marriage, or if the living together and the higher divorce rate share another cause. I wouldn't know why 'Shacking up' would have any negative effect on the marriage, so I guess I'm with Melon on this one.
DrTeeth is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 07:54 PM   #34
BAW
The Flower
 
BAW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: The OC....!!!!
Posts: 11,094
Local Time: 10:11 AM
I tend to disagree with the studies too. My mom lived with my stepfather for 2 or 3 years before they got married and they've been married for almost 22 years. I didn't live with my first husband before we got married and it didn't even last 4 years. I lived with my current husband for 6 years before we got married and we just had our 7th anniversary in October.
BAW is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 08:44 PM   #35
Bono's Belly Dancing Friend
 
Mrs. Edge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Torontonian in Maryland
Posts: 2,913
Local Time: 02:11 PM
My brother and his girlfriend (for want of a better term) have been living together for something like 13 years now, and have a house and 2 children. They never felt the desire to get married at all, and they are seen as married according to the law here, "common law marriage".

They are one of the happiest couples I know. Maybe it's because there isn't this contract hanging over them....they are choosing to be together, not staying loyal out of obligation...I don't know.
Mrs. Edge is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 09:57 PM   #36
Rock n' Roll Doggie
 
U2Bama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Gulf Coast State of Mine
Posts: 3,405
Local Time: 01:11 PM

My wife and I did not live together prior to marriage, and we have had a wonderful marriage, going on 5 1/2 years. The transition was surprisingly easy for us too, despite the fact that we were both recently out of college and had been temporarily residing in our parents' respective homes.

~U2Alabama
U2Bama is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 09:59 PM   #37
Babyface
 
Idiosyncrasy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Far far away
Posts: 6
Local Time: 10:11 AM
I dont see anything wrong with it at all. In fact, I think its a wise choice. Maybe not in the case of bonosloveslave's sister, because I agree with the fact that it depends on the couple, and the situation, but how can you really get to know someone unless you live with them day in and day out? Witness first hand all of their habits.. pros and cons?

I lived with someone for 2 years after dating them for 2 years. I am glad that I did because we both realized that we were not right for each other and totally did not mesh well living together.

I am now happier than I have ever been and cant wait until I can live with my current mate.
Idiosyncrasy is offline  
Old 11-18-2002, 11:17 PM   #38
Blue Crack Addict
 
Moonlit_Angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: In a dimension known as the Twilight Zone...do de doo doo, do de doo doo...
Posts: 20,568
Local Time: 12:11 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Idiosyncrasy
I dont see anything wrong with it at all. In fact, I think its a wise choice. Maybe not in the case of bonosloveslave's sister, because I agree with the fact that it depends on the couple, and the situation, but how can you really get to know someone unless you live with them day in and day out? Witness first hand all of their habits.. pros and cons?

I lived with someone for 2 years after dating them for 2 years. I am glad that I did because we both realized that we were not right for each other and totally did not mesh well living together.

I am now happier than I have ever been and cant wait until I can live with my current mate.
Exactly what I was getting at.

Angela
__________________

Moonlit_Angel is offline  
 

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:11 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com
×