Keeping things from your significant other

[Doozer61]

Do you?

I try not too but Caron does. In her previous relationship, she lived in complete fear and so she kept things to herself in order to avoid any type of conflict in the relationship.

I am finding out that she continues to do that even though we are able to talk about anything. This is especially true when it comes to her daughter.

When I do it, it is because something has completely slipped my mind or it is so insignificant that I forget to tell her. But she withholds things so that we don't have an agrument.

We are struggling right now with this because I feel it is okay for couples to have disagreements and she feels it might be the end of the relationship. We are learning how to communicate and listen better with each other in this process.

 

[martha]

She'll learn to trust you in time. It may take a while, but she will.

I don't keep things from Steve, but I had some trust issues early in our relationship due to a less than truthful old boyfriend. With time and patience we worked through it.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Im sorry Doozer I hope things grow better with you and Caron Great that something positive is coming out all of this though in terms of the communication .

I personally don't keep anything from Mike and vice versa. Like Martha I had trust issues because of a previous guy. But it's really true when they say time and patience will help you through. Now I have no problem at all telling him something that I know won't be the pleasant news. Think it's common to have arguements every now and then as long as they aren't damaging to the relationship.

 

[redkat]

I avoid conflict at all costs.

I actually think it's a pretty deeply ingrained trait in me that isn't likely to change anytime soon but who knows.

I would guess it might take a long time for her to change so try to be patient.

 

[Sicy]

I find it hard to believe when people say they dont keep ANYTHING AT ALL from their significant others. There has to be SOME things that you dont tell/mention to your significant other. I think its natural. I feel like no matter how many years you are with someone or how well you know them, you will NEVER know them 100% or know every little single tiny detail about them.

Of course I think there's a difference from purposely keeping things from one another to avoid an argument, and something just slipping your mind. How do you feel, would you rather have an argument and know everything or would you rather get along and not know things?

 

[zoobeatle]

My wife and i go and do whatever we want but we always come home to each other and we are always honest with each other. its just being honest that makes it through.

 

[martha]

I find it hard to believe when people say they dont keep ANYTHING AT ALL from their significant others. There has to be SOME things that you dont tell/mention to your significant other. I think its natural. I feel like no matter how many years you are with someone or how well you know them, you will NEVER know them 100% or know every little single tiny detail about them.

Well yeah, but I meant important stuff, stuff that he should know.

 

[Doozer61]

yeah, that's what I am talking about. i don't care about the little things that are so insignificant that they slip our minds. i do want to know when Sarah has been kicked out of her first period class for the rest of the year. because it affects the whole household. and i don't want her to be afraid to talk or share that with me.

 

[martha]

Give her time. Show her that she can trust you with this information. Don't get pissed when she keeps it from you; that may affirm her trust issues.

 

[U2Girl1978]

I don't keep things from my bf but I think he is keeping things from me.

 

[BAW]

When you are the parent of a child who brings chaos into the household, it's like walking on eggshells 24/7. When a new incident happens, you not only have to worry about and deal with what's going on with your child but you also have to worry about the reaction of your significant other. I'm sure Caron doesn't want to keep these things from you but I understand why she does it.

One of the most frustrating things EVER is trying to keep everyone happy in a blended family. It's a lot of pressure on the parent of the child who is acting out and getting in trouble. You feel guilty because it's YOUR child making things tense with the person you love...a person who volunteered to take on your child when he/she committed to the relationship. It makes the parent feel guilty because it's their child causing the drama. It's also kind of embarrasing to have to face your partner and say for the hundredth time..."well, I got another call from the school today"

Sometimes it's just easier to not say anything at all

 

[nbcrusader]

As has been suggested, openness and trust develop over time in a relationship. There should be an intentional effort towards such openness, and it can be a scary process.

I can’t think of anything I keep from my wife (except I’ll have to think of a good reason the rest of the Thin Mints disappeared).

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

This is very delicate. Proper communication can make or break a relationship.

"Reveal everything there is to know about yourself and let the chips fall where they may." - Meet Joe Black

I say be yourself, even if it doesn't work out, someone will love you just the way you are and you won't have to pretend to be somebody that you're not.

 

[Techie2000]

My friend will intentionally do things and keep it from his girlfriend and it bothers me a lot. I've never been in a relationship, but have always felt that for any relationship, whether it be a romantic one, a family one, or a friendship, to grow there needs to be honesty. Obviously the level of honesty and openness varies with the closeness of the relationship, but with marriage being the closest relationship one can have with another, to marr the foundation of the relationship building with lies can only lead to a crumpling building.

 

[mickey]

here's a tip for you. If you convince somebody of the merits in being open with you, then often that's the path they'll elect. Quite simply, we're ingrained to follow where we feel most comfortable. The only obstacle preventing openess of the type you are referring to is a degree of comfort.

I put my finger on it a few months ago. In my parents generation it was more comfortable to believe the world at large wanted to accept & understand each other, there was a faith in humanity (notable exceptions like WW2, Pol Pot, Mao aside), here in the now, we're innundated from all sides not to trust. Our default mode is one of suspicion.

Example? What if I told you my name was mickey gidwani, my address is PO Box 6413, Sharjah, United Arab Emirates & my cell phone number is +97150-462-4155? What would you do with this information. What would somebody living in the 1980s or 70's do with the information (leaving aside the techie cell phone issue).

Doozer, if you accept that the default mode we walk around with is one of suspicion, all you need do is convince your signficant other of the merits in being honest.

with a ground check on reality of course. A person needs to know that yes you'll be irritated, and yes, even possibly be upset at times with blatent honesty, and maybe wish even momentarily you never heard something that was really awful, but you ultimately are better off for knowing the facts, because, with facts at hand the pair of you can move forward clearly and confidently. With inklings and reservations, moving forward perhaps might land you in a mine field of resentment, desensitization, blame....yuck, you don't ever want to go there with people significant in your life.

convince your partner Doozer, sell the idea of being more honest because truly, it is the better and more comfortable way.


hope this has helped.

 

[mickey]

oh yeah, the above isn't necessarily the easiest thing for people to understand - it takes a dogmatic approach from your side, a willingness to be injured by such a level of honesty if need be. Society at large today inherently instills in all of us a very ingrained suspicion of people's motives, justifiably so in certain cases, but all-to-expensive in others.

I've had some of the best times in my life when I simply determined to trust another. Trust, faith, humanity...sort of the approach a young child takes to the world around them. It's got a lot of promise.

 

[Doozer61]

i agree. in my previous relationship we had a rigorous honesty rule, no matter what. she was in AA and that is how she ran her life. so i adopted that and become comfortable with being honest in that relationship. i began speaking up to my family instead of shying away for fear of conflict. i spoke my truth.

but knowing Caron when she was in her marriage, i see the same patterns happening with us. and it is hard to convince her that it is okay to tell me things. we will work through it.

and BAW is right about the kid being in the mix. it gets old and tiring saying and hearing about the continued "failures".

i just want her to be okay with talking to me and not be afraid. i am not her previous partner but i guess it is so ingrained in her that it is hard to believe that.

 

[martha]

i am not her previous partner but i guess it is so ingrained in her that it is hard to believe that.

This is it exactly. It'll change with time and patience.

 

[MsGiggles]

A lot of factors are thrown into the mix of why they hold things back from you - could have been the way they were raised or may be trying to avoid a confrontation. If they've been burnt before, they could be afraid of a repeat situation.

As others have suggested, I'm all for giving that person some time to open up. If after an adequate amount of time has passed and still no progress, then perhaps therapy might help???

 

[cell]

daisy, my ten yr old, has a tendancy to keep things from me, but she lets it slip some very important stuff to my mother. i think daisy knows me too well when it comes to my reaction at certain things. im working on that.

 

[Mr. BAW]

i think daisy knows me too well when it comes to my reaction at certain things. im working on that.

that may be the bottom line for any situation; when we know how the other person will react, we don't tell 'em....

 

[Mr. BAW]

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Threadkiller

 

[Doozer61]

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

I'm not really sure what my policy is as I'm fairly quiet about most things and don't tend to initiate conversations. I have nothing to hide and I'll talk about things comprehensively if I'm asked, though. I don't have much love for just going around talking about all sorts of things that noone cares about or are completely irrelevant to everything, as far as current or past events go. I guess first and foremost, I'm a 'need-to-know basis' kindof guy, but I'm forthright and open and don't actively hide things (because really, I suck at lying and it'd only be a matter of time before what was hidden were to be revealed).