I think I must confess...

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

I feel like that girl from Survivor...the deaf one, Christy, who just blurted out that she was deaf because she couldn't stand it anymore...

And so..

Sometimes I think I have an eating disorder. Sort of. There have been times, last year mainly, when I ate something and then threw it up. Ther have been full days when I've gone without food, or days when I've exercised extensively just to lose weight.
There have been days when I've eaten 2 crackers and felt guilty.

That said, I've come a looong way. I don't throw up. I don't go without eating. I try to exercise, when I can, moderately.

However, there are still some days when I'll binge-eat. A million cookies. Chocolates. And then I make myself feel terrible.

Some days I'll eat a cookie and feel guilty.

I've never told anyone this. No one, not even my parents. I think part of it stems from the fact that I used to dance, a lot, every day, in fact. Then I went off to university and gained about 10 pounds. Then I came home and lost it. But I still never feel as healthy as I did back then, the days where I could eat anything at all and not gain weight. I hate feeling like this. I know it's wrong. I know about anorexia. I had a cousin die from it. I've been around bulimic dancers and thought, "That'll never happen to me. I won't allow it." But the truth is, it CAN happen to you..to anyone. These things do happen, despite what anyone does to prevent it.

Why? I don't know. I'm thin. I am/was/still am comfortable with the way I look. Why do I put all this pressure on myself? It's not like I'm trying to look like some movie star--super Renee Zellwiger skinny. I think that's unhealthy. In fact, for the most part, I eat very healthily...fruits, veggies, little junk food. I think, in my mind, I have some superimposed ideal that I should the same as I did when I was 14 and dancing every day of the week. And I know that that is unrealistic. I'm 20 now. I'll obviously look different, for many reasons. Still, being around my super-skinny sister, or my mother, who is also quite weight crazed, I can't help feel this way...

It seems even when I talk to my friends our conversations revolve around food. We can't get away from it. As a society, what are we doing to ourselves? Why is a size-4 considered huge? Why when I walk down the street and see girls who are a size 0 do I envy them, yet at the same time think, "That looks unhealthy...they need some weight on them?"

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong spot. I considered putting it in my journal, but somehow, it seemed a little more appropriate in a confessional, despite the fact that most confessions here are quite lighthearted.

 

[brettig]

As someone whose lost quite alot of weight in the past 12-18 months, I can certainly relate to the mind games you invariably find yourself playing. Its a difficult situation where you're trying to manage your weight, you want to lose some, or you don't, but your body and mind don't seem to co-operate, then you get all hung up about it and about food itself...which leaves you asking the questions you have here!

Society is obsessed with appearance, and if we're brutal, of course appearance matters in this world, a hell of alot, and much more than it should matter. Bottom line is it does matter, right or wrong.

My advice to you is get back into some kind of sport or fitness activity, but not one where weight and aptitude is scrutinised to ridiculous degrees...eg don't join the WTA tour.

 

[meegannie]

I'm in the same boat. I either eat nothing or I eat WAY too much. There's never an in-between for me, and I feel guilty when I eat ANYTHING. I had a lot of problems with it in high school when I would go a week without eating or make myself sick, but I still don't eat sometimes on the weekend or I won't eat anything all day but some yogurt. Other times I'll eat a couple of bags of chips, a pint of ice cream, a box of rice or pasta mix, and a big bag of chocolates all in one sitting. I've been pretty much the same size since high school (except for the hips -- I was a "late bloomer" ), but I still obsess over what I eat.

Anyway, I think it's good that you recognize it, at least, and that you're concerned about yourself.

 

[tiny dancer]

When I'm under stress I pig out. I guess I eat to comfort me.

 

[Angel]

Unfortunately the society we live in has pressured us to believe that a certain 'size' = beauty, when in fact it does not. I am not going to lecture anyone here, because I have been down the road before. I have never made myself throw up or anything of the like, but I have pretty much been on a diet since I was 13. I drank slimfast for lunch in Highschool and gave myself an ulcer by age 19.
I am 28 now and have found a happy medium where I can enjoy the foods I like, actually enjoy exercising and the results I get from it that range from emotional well-being to physical comfortness and I tell you, you gotta live life in a way that makes you happy and you gotta like yourself because you're stuck with you for life.

Do not let weight rule who you are.

On an aside, and slightly scientific note: skipping meals and not eating for extensive periods of time is actually doing opposite to your body than what you realize. If your stomach remains empty for 8hrs or longer during waking hours... you go into 'starvation mode'. Meaning, the next ounce of food you put into your body will be 'stored' for safe-keeping because your body is desperate for something to maintain itself. You'll find that if you continue such behaviour on a fairly regular basis, you'll actually gain weight, and not lose it.
Easier said than done, but the best thing to do is to eat many small meals throughout the day. It keeps your metabolism working and at a faster pace.

I seriously would recommend Weight Watchers to anyone who wants to learn good eating habits that will stay with you your whole life. Trust me. It doesn't have to be about losing weight, or dieting or anything, it really teaches you moderation and how to maintain an ideal weight while enjoying life's great pleasures. Ok, now I sound like Fergie or something..... or was she with Jennie Craig? Anyway.

I commend you The_Sweetest_Thing for being so honest about this. You will find (as you already have here) that you are so not alone.



And if you all think I sound like a total cheeseball or that 'loving you for you' just seems impossible, well, I never believed I ever would and I do. So there you go. Living proof that insecurities can be beaten.

 

[Angela Harlem]

sweetest thing. Ballet is a very good starting point for this type of thing. I did ballet for years and years and stopped when I was about 17 and "too fat to continue". Fat being about 55kg. Dont know what that is in lbs. I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa at one stage (may as well confess mine in your thread!) but to this day do not believe that was the disorder I had. I had an eating problem for sure, but I dont think that was mine. I was threatened with hospitalisation if I didnt go to a counsellor, which dumbfounded me as my weight had never been at a dangerous level. But its not necessarily about weight. Nevertheless I went to one session to shut everyone up and the woman told me there were around 17 types of diagnosable eating disorders. I guess for a lot of my life I had one kind. But I think many women especially, do have some kind. Males as well, but the prevalence is in women.
I dont want to interfere, or try to pretend I have any answers, but ask yourself honestly if you are in control of this. If you have alarm bells, or know deep down there is a problem, even a 'kind of maybe' problem, dont let it take over. It starts off small, but it grows. It eventually takes over. It may take awhile, but it can happen. If you feel this might happen, or has happened, please seek some help. Its not always about eating. And I dont want to sound critical, but you do need to be careful how you are eating. What you have described is not good and you probably already are aware of this and I hope I dont sound all judgemental, but your body needs looking after as you know. People can be in the healthy weight range and still have a problem. Dont let it overcome you, fight it before it gets too big. The purging is a problem. Bulimia is not ok, its not a 'maybe' problem. In moments of clarity you must admit to yourself that throwing up is not being in control of it all.
Sorry if I sound like the voice of doom, but you dont want to shrug it off. Its not making a problem bigger than you think it is by acknowledging it for what it is. It might only be small and something you can overcome quite easily. But dont brush it off. Please seek some help, because its damned hard work fighting it.
All the hugs and best wishes to you, sweetest thing.

 

[melon]

I used to crave sugars and carbohydrates badly, where I would sometimes binge on them. I'll tell you right now it is likely due to serotonin levels in the brain, which is also a cause of depression. Serotonin is metabolized from the amino acid, typtophan, which comes from dairy products and sugars. Unfortunately, there isn't enough tryptophan in either to actually satisfy the imbalance, so you just end up binging on bad food. Once I fixed my serotonin, I stopped craving sugars completely.

Look into that with a doctor possibly, and if you do, inquire about L-tryptophan (available by presciption only in the U.S.) or 5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan; available over-the counter) to boost the serotonin, rather than prescription SSRIs, which I am very skeptical of. If you don't bring it up, they'll automatically go on an SSRI kick.

And also try eating several small meals throughout the day. The brain craves sugar even worse if it is starving.

Melon

 

[daisybean]

I'm kinda the opposite here....I feel like I'm always eating. I'm not obese, but I could stand to lose a couple of pounds..however, it's hard for me to cut back on my portions. Eating is a comfort zone for me. I eat very little when I'm at work, but when I get home I am practically eating or snacking on something until I go to bed. I also have this thing about eating in front of people, it's like if I'm afraid to eat more than a teeny portion of something people are gonna look at me like I'm this giant pig or something.

I wish I had some advice for you

 

[cell]

this reminds me of the time i was going thru some teenage hell...my mom was not the best to live with, being she could be a total b**** to me, just for not being aggressive enough in the real world, always telling me to lose weight, even though at 18 years old, and im 5"2', i was 130 pounds. to some that would be considered "fat" and then to others, it would be considered light. i was always ragged on because of my weight. and in return, i rebelled. i ate. it comforted me. not only would my mother rag on me, i had my grandmother do the same thing to me. when i lived with my grandmother, i was always at work, and i would come home to her bitching at me about what i ate that day, and all that shit. she could be downright mean about the way i look. ok, as some of you know, i had a rant in my journal about how my grandmother wants me to lose weight. i'll lose weight when im good and ready. a few years ago, my mom apologized to me for that time, realizing that i was not all that bad then. she totally regrets it now, because sometimes i eat out of comfort, and yes, i am overweight as a result. its a struggle women go thru every day. i did something pretty stupid yesterday. i froze my gym account. was i being rebellious? i think i was. i wish i had the courage to go work out without the fear of failing. who would i fail? my family? or myself? probably both. i dont even know what im doing in the gym half the time. i did lose a few inches, but im impatient. i want results like yesterday. ah well...as long as we all are healthy, we are all beautiful. thats what i say. s to everyone.

 

[beegee]

icelle! there is a photo of you in your profile! you're beautiful! and now i will recognize you when you come to las vegas!

 

[cell]

thank you! i can't wait til vegas!

 

[BAW]

I have eating and body image issues of my own that I'm not very good at dealing with so I can't really offer you any advice other than to take care of yourself.

I tend to do things in the extreme....I over-excercise and don't eat or I eat too much, get depressed and stop excercising. I have yet to find the middle ground. My weight goes up and down by 20 pounds constantly and I know that is so bad for my health but I keep doing the same things.

 

[guaca]

hey I know that feeling...I get that feeling when I watch Jess eat...BAH!!!..sorry had to throw that light hearted comment in to make you smile..

I sometimes have the adverse problem of that, where I physically have to force myself to eat something and looking at the things on my plate sometimes want to make me feel ill...but I force myself to eat it anyway...and when you get like that I think your whole body makeup changes where you get used to not eating therefore the littlest amount fills you up.

Sometimes I think Im a bit anorexic but not to the point where I look at myself and see someone who is obese....but I do sometimes feel that way...its a very difficult thing.

I dont like it when people tell me that I dont eat enough or that I need to gain weight..makes me eat whole vats of Hagen Daaz sometimes..and then I feel like absolute crap afterwards. blah...

anyhow...smile and group hug...and we should go out and eat together sometime...

 

[Giant Lemon]

I don't really have any advice to give, but I just wanted to say that I also have issues with food. I'm not overweight, but I'm always in fear of gaining weight. I have a major sweet tooth and can easily get tempted by junky food, and so practically every day I have this "eat it! don't eat it!" battle with myself. And when I succumb and eat a candy bar or fries or something I feel really guilty about it.

The sad thing is that I've felt like this since I was about 12 years old. Probably part of the problem is that my dad used to (and sometimes still does, although I don't live with him for most of the year) occasionally make comments about me eating too much and possibly getting fat.

But anyway, take care of yourself, Sweetest Thing, and know that you're not alone.

 

[~LadyLemon~]

Thanks for sharing your story Sweetest Thing. Maybe it would be best for you to talk to someone, to a counselor if you can. I think it would do you a lot of good.

I've also spent some time talking to counselors about my body image problems. I still struggle today, but they have helped me.

My problems began when I was 7 and my parents got divorced. Soon my mother's boyfriend moved in with his, and he stayed til the end of my freshman year of college. He was an alcoholic, and he was verbally abusive toward me. To get through this, I ate, and by the time I was in junior high, I wasn't huge, but still, I was made fun of a lot. It was horrible. And of course the pain from that made me eat even more. It's a vicious cycle.

When I was a freshman in high school, I finally started to pay attention to what I ate, quit binging on junk food, and starting working out. I lost around 40 pounds and never felt better. Even though I was still living at home with my mom's fuckwit boyfriend, I had finally developed some self esteem and felt good about myself, plus I was stoked to be leaving for college.

Freshman year I gained the 15...due to lots of beer drinking, and eating junk that I had previously weaned myself off from. Then that summer I broke my ankle, and had surgery and put on a few more pounds. At the end of the next summer, my boyfriend of two years dumped me for someone else. Previously we had a great relationship, but during that last summer, he starting making comments about my weight, saying that he wished that I looked like I did in high school again, etc. That hurt. The break-up hurt even worse, and as a result of my depression, I went back into my nasty cycle of binge-eating when I was upset...

I'm still dealing with this all over again, although lately I've been eating better and working out consistantly again. But still, I've got 30 pounds on me that weren't there when I graduated from high school, and it still leaves me feeling like shit sometimes.

Right now I kind of have a long-distance thing going on with a friend of a friend...I know he likes me, thinks I'm funny, smart, and cute etc, but I keep hearing this voice in the back of my head saying that for some reason he's going to find me unattractive when I see him again over spring break, because I'm not in this perfect little body. God, it's soooo fucked up. I know, if he thinks that, he's not worth it, but still, it goes through my mind.

Anyway, just wanted to share my story...hang in there...I know it's rough....

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

's to everyone.


I can totally relate to what everyone has posted. Ever since I was little, I've been slightly overweight. I've been lucky in being tall, so it doesn't really look like it (I've had people tell me I don't look big at all) but it didn't prevent me from being picked on in school. I lost about 25-30 lbs 5 years ago, but no matter how much I keep off or what, I'll always feel like the "fat girl". In relationships I constantly have issues, whether the guy has them or not (and in all my relationships except one, my boyfriends have been totally cool and supportive), and even now, if I like a guy or flirt, I always have the voice in the back of my head saying "there's no way he likes you, you look like crap".

Women, unfortunately, have the pressures of always looking slim and therefore have the majority of weight issues/disorders. I am still struggling with mine, and always try to be careful about what I eat and manage a bit of exercise each day (running up and down stairs at work helps), but still... it's up to us to make us feel ok. I hope we all find that peace one day.

 

[cass]

thank you for sharing your stories

I have been having a bad time lately...it's a chicken and egg thing for me...what comes first?
feeling down, eating the wrong things?
eating the wrong things, feeling down?
Big old vicious circle, can be hard to stay balanced sometimes.
Appearance, weight issues, health, emotions....they are all so powerfully linked and we are so powerfully fed messages about what is the ideal.
I was wanting to say something like a lot of you have just said...but didn't know where to start, and you know, with me, where to finish. I have recently lost weight and become a lot fitter than I was, but it is so easy to slide back. I am currently trying to get the control back.I thought I had it, but, nah, not yet. So reading your stories, checking in here, helps a great deal...thanks.

 

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

Sorry to re-bring this up again...although, I think it's only been a week since I posted it. It's hard to know what to say about such a subject...

Megannie - I do a lot of the same thing...I can eat nothing for days, and then make up for it in one sitting. Not even 'cause I'm hungry, but because it's there..*sigh* GiantLemon - I feel the same way. A constant day-to-day battle over "Eat that. Don't eat that." And when I DO eat it, I feel guilty.

(I was actually really good all week long last week...went to the gym, ate well. Then Sunday I killed it by eating all this chocolate and carbs, just pigging out because I was studying and nervous. Didn't eat Monday. Ate well yesterday, ate well today. Am eating out tomorrow and Friday. Will feel guilty.)

I'm not surprised to find that many women have weight issues. I guess it's a good thing that we're all so willing to share our stories. Angel, Angela Harlem, Daisybean, melon, cass (it IS the chicken and the egg. What comes first? Feeling down and eating, or eating and then feeling down?), icelle, BAW, LadyLemon, Giant Lemon, brettig, meg, Pop_angel, Wacka (the Jess story DID make me smile! I'd love to eat out sometime) to everyone

It's so sad at the same time. I mean, why does society objectify us in this way? Why are we constantly pressured to comform to this stick-figured, no-hips, ideal? Not even that, but so many of your stories have been about other people SAYING things about you, being in abusive relationships where you then started worrying about body image. That's terrible, although I know, even my family will sometimes look at me and say, "You actually ate all that?"
(It's like Karen Carpenter. One reviewer called he "chubby" and she ended up dying of anorexia. All it takes is one thought)

I understand that being at a healthy weigh is ideal, for health reasons, but to go so far...yet still, I find myself aslmost wistfully looking at other really skinny girls, wishing I wouldn't have to worry about what I ate. I HATE that feeling.

(I'm actually going to see a ballet tomorrow night, so I may end up feeling worse for a while...gah).

Your advice is wonderful everyone...I know I should seek some help, talk to a counsellor, seek weight watchers, etc. But it's so weird...where would I even find one? How on earth would I approach it? "Hi. I think I might have an eating disorder??" ??? 17 types of eating disorders? Seratonin levels? Skipping meals, gaining weight? Maybe I am in over my head...

Thanks so much for your stories guys. Just knowing how supportive people can be makes me feel a lot better. Really, thanks for caring

Take care of yourselves guys. Everyone.

 

[Stories for Boys]

in 7th grade, a girl in my class told all the other girls "is it just me or did laura get fat over the summer?"...

i think that really started it...

i agree with your post completely, april. i know i'm not fat, but deep down, if i flirt or like someone, it's always that thought that there's no way they like me. it hurts. i understand you girls.

let me edit to say this: i don't know i'm not fat. i tell myself that everytime i try and think logically, but i always have that gut instinct that i am...i hate my stomach. i hate that i have huge love handles. i think i'm just stressing because i've had a bad couple of weeks...sorry...needed to vent...