AI Recaps-January 16th
Minneapolis Auditions
I told myself I wouldn’t get emotionally invested in this season of American Idol. After being put through the wringer last year, and putting my life on hold, I approached season 6 with dread and a wee bit of disgust, mostly at myself. But also because of Simon Cowell’s bitch tits. Those are seriously disturbing.
The season opener shows Taylor Hicks winning season five of American Idol. And then you that’s the last you see of our favorite gray-haired soulster (or spaz, YMMV). I guess “fizzlegate” has bit him on the ass. However, you do see plenty of DAUGHTRY! and Katharine McPhee. Anyway, onto the show.
Auditions start in Minneapolis, home of Prince and Mary Tyler Moore...and countless (deluded) auditioners. Things don’t start off well in the land of many lakes. First, Jewel is a guest judge. Is she still relevant? Does she have an album to promote? Silly me. Of course, she has an album to promote.
Onto the auditions...
At the beginning, we are treated to a girl wearing a cowboy hat simulating an orgasm...or a cat with his tail stuck in the car door. Take your pick.
Jessica: She’s the biggest Jewel fan evah! and a total up-talker. She sings a Jewel song and Jewel looks seriously pissed. Jessica can’t sing and gets a “no” from all of the judges. Thus, she has a nervous breakdown in front of Randy, Jewel, Paula, and Simon. I shed less tears when I got mugged. Still, I liked Jessica. Maybe she can get a gig as a huge celebrity make-up artist and be the next Laura Mercier.
Troy: Urban Amish and he’s from Wisconsin. I should have known. He has no plan and no TV to watch “American Idol.” And he basically has no clue on how to sing.
Next we get a montage of bad singing featuring some interchangeable blondes and some guy who truly sucks. “Jesus Take the Wheel (and Drive Me Away From this Trainwreck).”
Jesse: Mangles the English language. I think I hate him. Then he sings. Now I know I hate him. Leaves, and unfortunately comes back to sing another song. Simon calls Jesse a two-year-old who can’t sing.” Two-year-olds everywhere say, “Bitch, please!”
Charles aka Apollo Creed: He sings REO in Italian. Well, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write. He doesn’t sing too badly (given some of the competition), but next time leave the crazy at home and bring a better song.
Denise: Brings a sorrowful back story. Was born a crack baby. She’s from Wisconsin. Do not embarrass me! Yes, she can sing. Finally, we get someone who can actually sing. Squee! A fellow cheesehead is going to Hollywood!
Next we have PSA for the AI Appeal-Forgetting Your Words. Sally Struthers behooves you to give.
Tashawn: That was “Kiss?” Are we sure? Prince begins to dig his (very tiny) grave.
Perla: Originally from Columbia and trying to live the American Dream. She asks Ryan if he likes Spanish girls. Yes, he likes Spanish girls who introduce him to their Spanish brothers. What is Perla wearing? Doesn’t she realize that “Grease-You’re the One That I Want” is on another network? However, she can sing and I really like her energy. I can hear her singing Latin-tinged pop.
Matthew the Cowboy: He claims he has a lot of pizzazz. He has as much pizzazz as a dead battery. He sings “Folsom Prison Blues.” Simon shoots Matthew just to see him die.
Jarrod the “Top Gun” guy: He gets his start with “Reagan Idol” and then brings it to “American Idol.” Wow, he can actually sing; he has a good country voice. I just can’t snark on the actually talented ones.
Trista the Cowardly Lion: Wow, you really need courage to listen to her...or ear plugs.
Stephen: He claims he’s a vocal teacher... of singing? He comes across as the Adam Sandler doing “Opera Man.” Randy gives him the Simon treatment. Stephen is encouraged to do off-Broadway...way off-Broadway.
Michelle: Blonde and sings country. Haven’t we been down this road before? However, she can sing and she seems very likable and confident.
Dayna: Has a very nice boss who flew her out to Minneapolis to audition. My boss didn’t bother to learn my name the first couple of months he knew me. I hope Dayna’s boss gets frequent flier mileage. Dayna has power, but is tone deaf. She sings around the office but doesn’t get fired. I’ve known people to get fired for much less.
Matt: I get a total theater geek vibe from him. I’m surprised he didn’t whip out the jazz hands while singing “California Dreamin’” Wow, I actually got verklempt when he called his mom to give her the good news that he’s going to Hollywood. Damn, kid. Don’t make a wuss out of this cynic.
Rachel: She works in her family’s body shop and has joined the Army reserves. Her hubby is in Iraq. I really like her tone. She has a very warm, husky quality that appeals to me. I’m so glad she got through. I really like her.
Sarah: Another Wisconsin girl and she can sing! Tonight is my night! She sings “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and sounds miles better than Screech McPhee.
Jason: He’s a triple threat. He can dance, juggle, and sing. Okay, he can juggle a little bit. American Idol doesn’t want him but the nearest Renaissance fair might. He gets rejected by the judges and swears more in one segment than I do all month. I laughed at him. Was that mean? Parents stop deluding your kids. At best, your kids will be woefully mediocre.
Brenna: She looks like a cross between a goth and a soccer mom. Her favorite contestant from last year was the very pretty Ace. I heard many stories of Ace being very generous and giving to the fans. However, Ace sweetie, you do not have to be nice to everyone. Brenna, er, sings. MARY, MOTHER OF GOD! MAKE IT STOP!!! Of course, she is shocked that the judges aren’t bowled over and impressed by her ten years of training talent and star quality. She should consider herself lucky that she got to be on her favorite show. Hey, no one has asked me to be on my favorite show “The Office.” I sulk in a corner.
Now we get a montage of bad auditions featuring Prince songs. How is that digging going Oh Purple One?
Josh: Forgoes hockey to audition for “American Idol.” He was inspired by the DAUGHTRY! to show his rocker boy street cred. Ahem. Strike One: Josh sings a Fuel song. Strike Two: He can’t sing. Strike Three: His dad is way cuter. Josh, stick with your band.
Out of all of the people who auditioned in Minneapolis and only 17 made it through. Tomorrow the judges head to Seattle, reportedly the city of suck.
So, how did I do?
but I still think the judges are extremely rude! Do they have to start laughing in their faces like that before they're even done???
and I thought they should of been more rude for more the funniness of it
can't wait for the next one
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your recaps. 
