Uncertainty - help?

[Alisaura]

Uncertainty is NOT always a guiding light. Some times it's a pain in the arse.

Some background information first - I'm 23 years old, never had a bf (or a gf before you ask, but I'm fairly sure I'm straight), never been properly kissed. I think "fridgid" is the word they used to use. Sheltered upbringings can only account for so much. I'm as innocent physically, and to an extent, emotionally as they come.
(I realise this may be too much information for some of you - sorry.)

Up until recently, my crushes on guys were restricted to (older) famous people (eg, U2) and this super-charming American guy I met at uni who is now probably (wishing he was) hunting down Mr Bin Laden and saving the universe.

My parents are about 19 years apart in age, my father turned 76 this year and my mother will shortly be 57. I'm the eldest of two children, my brother is 6 years younger than me. My parents left childrearing a bit late

I met a guy about 4 weeks ago... I knew him off the internet, but not well at all, and I must emphasise we were not in any way having a net relationship. We chatted maybe twice. He is currently travelling around the world, meeting people from the online community he knows thru that chat room and bulletin board, as he goes. Not this one. I learned he was coming through here, and just out of curiousity I emailed him a couple of weeks before hand and asked him if he'd like to just meet up and say hello. He's 41 years old and from England, no thought was in my head but meeting someone from this chat, which would be cool. Besides, everyone he'd met in the US said he was really nice.

He had only planned to stay one day here, but he ended up staying around for 3 days... We met on a wednesday, had a great conversation, laughed our arses off, hung shit on each others accent, agreed that cricket was the most boring sport in the universe, and talked about other net people.
Did I mention his accent sounds a LOT like Adam Clayton's? He also looks damn good for 41. I wanted to see more of him and he apprently felt the same way so we spent thursday night together too.

I'll cut it short, we got along very well indeed. We were both interested... nothing happened because for some reason I am petrified of physical closeness, which must be a bit tough on him cos he's a very tactile person. The age gap freaks us both out a bit, but because of my parents it doesn't bother me that much (although it turns out both our parents are about the same age)... what bothers me more is his exes and family details back in England, which I won't elaborate on.

He talked me into going to Melbourne with him... I was feeling impulsive and despite only having known him for 2 days, I trusted him. And so far my trust has not been taken advantage of in any way. We stayed in Melbourne having a great time until Tuesday, by which point I was really feeling the unreality and needed to get back to normalcy. I was "weirded out", as he would say. So was he but there were other ppl in Melbourne he had to meet up with. So I ran back to real life. We didn't get to say goodbye properly cos another net person dropped me off at the train station and we didn't want rumours flying about the bulletin board. Hug, there's my train, take care, have fun, email me...

I was shoved immediately back into real life, bass lesson, driving lesson, donate blood, back to work after my (well timed!) week off. I thought of him quite a lot. But I didn't have a chance to really think about it until I started writing the whole thing down in my diary. I surprised myself at how much I missed him, and I started kicking myself for not saying this, doing that, staying longer, etc... I knew I would probably not see him again, or not for years anyway. Cue the crying at night with loud music on the headphones.

On the Tuesday after I got back I sent him a huge confused email and cried all over my keyboard. He rang my mobile at work the next day, which shocked the shit out of me and made me feel a lot better. (I also got my drivers license that day!)

Cutting it short again... I am extremely confused. He is coming back to see me in a few weeks, to try and do the normal dating thing and see if there really is anything there, or if it was just an infatuation thing...

And I can't figure out what I think, feel, want, anything. I miss him, I want to see him, but I'm not getting palpitations or anything, I don't feel about him how I felt about, say Bono or Edge when I was madly in love with them. The sad thing is, that is the only experience I have with emotional stuff like that. I enjoyed the snuggling we did, but anything more than a little kiss freaked me out, and the idea of sex scares me. Why? Am I a complete freak? Why am I so afraid? Does it mean I'm not really attracted to him? If I was, wouldn't I want to stick my tongue down his throat and the rest of it?

HOW DOES ALL THIS WORK?!?!!?

I've talked to my mum and my best friend, and I've talked to him a lot... I decided last night that I'm stressing about the whole thing too much and I should just relax and see what happens with no pressure...
But at the same time, I think I'm stupid for not taking an opportunity to learn how it works on some one who is very kind and considerate (and experienced, *ahem*). I'm afraid of looking and feeling stupid, I'm just way fucked up.
Okay, I only knew him for a week... I don't know him. That's the thing... with me it's going to take forever and a day to figure anything out. And time is not something he has vast amounts of, he's supposed to be in Africa for 10 weeks at some point before he sods off back to the UK. Then what? As he put it, I've gone and chosen someone almost unavailable. Almost.

This sucks. But he's a great guy and I really want to get to know him better. And from what I can tell, he can't get me out of his head. Which is giving my ego no end of boosting.

Sorry this is so long.

Help?

PS - goddamnit, of all the times I could have used my bloody alias... *sigh*

 

[hiphop]

The age gap freaks us both out a bit, but because of my parents it doesn't bother me that much (although it turns out both our parents are about the same age)... what bothers me more is his exes and family details back in England, which I won't elaborate on.

I thought of him quite a lot. But I didn't have a chance to really think about it until I started writing the whole thing down in my diary. I surprised myself at how much I missed him, and I started kicking myself for not saying this, doing that, staying longer, etc... I knew I would probably not see him again, or not for years anyway. Cue the crying at night with loud music on the headphones.

On the Tuesday after I got back I sent him a huge confused email and cried all over my keyboard. He rang my mobile at work the next day, which shocked the shit out of me and made me feel a lot better. (I also got my drivers license that day!)

Cutting it short again... I am extremely confused. He is coming back to see me in a few weeks, to try and do the normal dating thing and see if there really is anything there, or if it was just an infatuation thing...

And I can't figure out what I think, feel, want, anything. I miss him, I want to see him, but I'm not getting palpitations or anything, I don't feel about him how I felt about, say Bono or Edge when I was madly in love with them. I enjoyed the snuggling we did, but anything more than a little kiss freaked me out, and the idea of sex scares me. Why? Am I a complete freak? Why am I so afraid? Does it mean I'm not really attracted to him? If I was, wouldn't I want to stick my tongue down his throat and the rest of it?

Okay, I only knew him for a week... I don't know him. That's the thing... with me it's going to take forever and a day to figure anything out. And time is not something he has vast amounts of, he's supposed to be in Africa for 10 weeks at some point before he sods off back to the UK. Then what? As he put it, I've gone and chosen someone almost unavailable. Almost.

This sucks. But he's a great guy and I really want to get to know him better. And from what I can tell, he can't get me out of his head. Which is giving my ego no end of boosting.

Why do his exes worry you? No reason.

Why did he tell you about them? Don?t say you did trick twentytwo and asked him about his past... and then get worried. No reason.

Now. You think about him. You miss him. You write diary. You want to see him.

If you don?t feel about him like about your idolized stars "whenyouweremadlyinlovewithBonoandEdge", that?s fine. I don?t really think you were in love with them. You never met them.

But I think you are feeling love with this 41 year old guy now. There is two possibilities:

Either you can go practical and say "it will never work out, he?s from another country, he travels around so much, he is too far away, he is definitely unavailable - wtf does nearly mean, that he plays with me? - " and search actively or wait for a man who really is available. Or you could decide men and relations are not as important for you as f.e. your career.

Or you can allow your feelings to influence your actions. To be attracted by someone doesn?t mean to stick tongues in throats. If he is a great man, like you describe him, he will have enough time to wait. He will take all the fear away. Sex is so natural, and you will have pleasure lying beside him naked, feeling feminine, feeling the confession and speciality of the moment you chose to give all your body, all your soul away for the first time. The last thing in this scenery will be fear... there is nothing to be afraid of, and you know it.

You are not a complete freak, (I am ). You are attracted. You are in love.

Try to let go your constant need for one hundred percent of control.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Oh wow Alisaura what an incredibaly emotional time you are going through.

First off, I suggest trying to forget this age thing you are dealing with with yourself. At 23 all this means nothing. Whether you are 13, 23, or 43, the firsts are hard to deal with because not only is it all brand new with nothing to prepare you, but add on the emotions of falling for someone in a way that is terribly real. Not a crush, or a love of a rock and roll band, but a real human being that you can touch and talk to. Its very heady stuff. Experiencing everything the first time it happens is really quite traumatic. You have no idea really how to handle a lot of it, there is nothing to compare it to really. You enter this previously unchartered territory and have no idea what you are doing, nothing makes sense, its confusing, its exhilarating, it has a sense of non-reality as you have found. If you do continue on with this man, you will find yourself either getting used to it, or finding a comfortable path to go down and it does get easier. This lack of construct you have be feeling will go away eventually. The confusion I think we go through is not totally about doubts or whatever we have about the person in question, it is also trying to take in all that is changing on an emotional level. You kinda sit there thinking I am so scared and dont really understand all this, then you think, does this mean I am not falling for this person? You question what you DO feel for him. The answers are not always clear. I think the answers will come to you once some of this other confusion passes. Ask yourself, do you miss him? Does he match what you would describe in your ideal man? Can you imagine the future with him anywhere in it? How much do you regret the things you wanted to say but didnt? How does he feel? Are you more comfortable with a scary future with him and all it involves or a future devoid of him?

I hope you find your answers soon Al. Its scary no matter who with or when you finally do it. Dont do anything you aren't ready for. Be comfortable with all your choices. Do what makes you happy. Stop it all if you are no longer happy. Try and enjoy it.

 

[Alisaura]

Thanks for the input

whenhiphopdrovethebigcars - I should have rephrased some of that... it's more that the ex-wife and ex-gf and 5 kids somewhat emphasises the age gap. It's baggage... I just keep having bizarre and uncomfortable visions of me meeting the kids... Of course, ultimately I know that it wouldn't matter, he wouldn't be the same person without all that. It's just another thing. I didn't ask him about his past, he told me quite freely, before he said he was interested. We talked about it, but only as you would with anyone you meet. And I'm not stupid, I know I'm only getting his side of things, however much I trust him. I'm just trying to be sensible... *maniacal laughter*
And I know I was never REALLY in love with the U2 guys, however much I posted on PLEBA... If this guy was as unreachable, I may well be palpitating all over the place cos I wouldn't have to worry about anything happening.
And neither of us has mentioned the "L" word... I don't think I'd describe it as love after a week. It's not lust on my part. I don't know what it is, and that's the problem. Time, time...
Walking the line between practical and emotions is also tricky... He is of the opinion that he's had enough misery in his life and if there's the smallest chance of something here, it's worth pursuing. The logistics are challenging... He is as surprised to be attracted to someone my age as I am surprised by everything.
A lot of what you (both!) say, I already know on some level... I have always been stronger on theory than on practise.
And I never knew I was such a control freak... my fear is probably based on not wanting to lose control, of myself... Although it is unnerving to be in a position where I can decide, perhaps, that it is too hard to make it work, that I'm not that interested, that I'm too afraid, and call it off, and that would affect him too... *shrug*

Angela - I can honestly say the age issue is not what's bothering me... if anything, it seems to be bothering him more than me. He asked me how I'd deal (hypothetically) with him getting older, but I don't think I need to worry about that just yet. Kids is another thing that is a long way off for me. I know I'm not old/mature enough for motherhood.
I also can't say I had an idea of my "ideal man"... I figured it was a bit silly to do that cos you could miss someone because they didn't fit criterion X, Y or Z... You never know. Because of my parents, and of how I am, I tend to be attracted to older guys... he reckons any interest from me for him is immensely flattering. As I said, he doesn't look a day over 35...
We've agreed that whatever happens, at the very least we can be great friends. I would be more than happy with that, although just-friends on different continents is a slightly depressing ending. I want to see him...
He gave me a quick phone call from somewhere on the Western Australian coast between when I posted this thread and now... I didn't think he'd call cos he's travelling from Broome to Monkey Mia, but I plugged the phone in anyway and was absurdly happy to talk to him for 5 minutes. I'm showing symptoms of a crush at least... but I'm not going to call it love. That might be a bit too scary

Thank you both again... you have helped, if only just to back up my own feelings...

 

[souLnation2002]

follow your heart.

 

[scatteroflight]

Hey Alisaura,

I probably can't add anything that could really be considered "helpful" here, but I don't think you should feel that feeling fearful in a situation like this is abnormal. I'm also 23 (why was I positive that you were years older than me??) and I've only had one boyfriend, and that was a couple of years ago and not for very long. Earlier this year, he committed suicide. I went to his funeral. I have a great deal of insecurity about relationships, and fears that only people with major problems are attracted to me at all, and this didn't exactly help, besides all the other ways in which it was horrible. I had a couple of extremely painful crushes in the past, and a couple of years ago I had a crush on a guy in the bookstore I worked in, but it wasn't really, really major. Since then I haven't felt that way about anyone at all. About a year ago a guy I met expressed interest in me, though it "wasn't the right time" for him, and I was flattered, and scared out of my mind, and though I didn't feel like I was in love or anything, I did like him. Then he started being a jerk and refusing to talk to me for no apparent reason. Another blow to that part of my psyche. Basically, I'm terrified that no one will ever fall in love with me, or that it'll only be people with messed-up lives, that I'll never fall in love again, even though when I felt like I was "in love" it was crazy and painful, and whenever a guy actually does express interest in me, at the same time as I feel flattered, I feel terrified to the point of being physically ill. I think I have some kind of anxiety problem in that direction and I may eventually have to get help if it recurs to that extent. I've actually found it quite crippling. I think it goes back to one of those exceedingly painful crushes I had, which caused me to feel that way, and some of me has never quite recovered.

I think what I have just written is rather depressing and not helpful at all! You might derive comfort from the thought that some people are much more messed up than you! But I guess I just wanted to say that feeling apprehensive is certainly not abnormal. What I think, though, is that if you were engaged or getting married or something and STILL felt like "I don't know and I'm terrified," that would be a bad sign.

Hope all works out.

 

[hiphop]

I?m not sleeping

Don?t be afraid to call it love. Yes yes we all know that real love develops after a longer period of time (my example after two years, it was really changing, getting very deep love). But don?t be afraid to call it love. You can call this feeling whatever you want, but deepdown you know that its butterflies in your stomach. And a crush, a crush.. what is a crush? If I had got ten cents for every girl I have had a crush on, I?d be a millionaire right now. If you call it love, it might give you power.

Just take a look into the mirror, now. Tell yourself that no matter what, the person you love most is yourself. Caress your face. This will give you confidence. And then admit that you are in love. Enjoy it.

Sure, I didn?t mean you were a ctrl freak. I meant exactly what you said: that you have fear to lose control, of yourself. Let this go. It?s senseless. Let the feelings overflow you. Real strength doesn?t develop if you are controlling yourself. It comes from knowing that you are in tune with the world around you.

And I wish so much that I could say those words not to you, and that she would understand. But as I said, it is always a question of what you prefer. You can as well stay in this state forever, go your way, keep your eyes closed in your fear of being truly near to another person. No problem, if you choose this life. But I doubt you really want that.

So, take the step. You really really like him, much. Tell him the next time he calls you. And open your wings.

Let it go now aha
Fade away ay ay

 

[martha]

Alisaura,
You've given some good advice already, so let me throw mine in as well. First off, don't sell yourself short. If you feel weird about having sex with someone you've only known in the flesh for a week or two, that's fine. That doesn't make you weird or frigid. If you want to make love with him, do it, but only with the respect for yourself that you deserve. (Use birth control, please.)

The age difference: Think about your parents. Were they happy together despite the quite serious difference in their ages?

Why did this man split from his wife, leave her with five kids, and travel the world?

Does he have a job?

There may be perfectly good answers to these questions. Please consider them.

 

[Lilly]

i'm so happy i'm leaving minnesota.

i was going to quote you a bunch to let you know what i'm referring to, but i'm lazy and sort of naseous, so i'm going to refrain from that.


at any rate. i understand not liking being touched. i don't like it either. to me, if i'm in a relationship that's not worth a lot to me, why make myself more vulnerable? and since i just graduated high school, we can all deduce that no relationship i've ever had was worth anything.

what you're feeling is all pre-relationship stuff. my best friend loves it, all those questions and stuff. but i hate it, it fills me with self-doubt and self-deprication. be honest, that's all you can do. and about thinking about him all the time...well...you're smitten, that'll happen

 

[Angela Harlem]

Alisaura I just wanted to say, with the age thing, I didnt mean the difference between you and this fella, of course there is nothing wrong with that! I meant you dont want to feel abnormal in anyway for being a bit unsure about things. What age you go through this means very little, matters nothing if it is at your age or in 10 years time, or 10 years ago. Most people will wait for those things they think are worth a wait. You will and so will your new man. I hope it does work out well! Sounds like he is a great guy

 

[Blue_Angel]

hey Ali, I can't exactly offer you any great advice because I seriously think I am a younger version of you, but being afraid is not abnormal. at least I have felt that way and I know many others who have as well. this sounds like it could be really good for you, if I was in your position this would be one of the times where I would try to let go and follow my heart and instincts. easier said than done, I know! but try. I really, really hope this works out for you.

and btw, congrats on getting your drivers liscence!!!!!

 

[Alisaura]

Thankyou!

I'd like to thank you all for your thoughts and advice... I think the thing I wanted most when I posted this was to know that what I'm feeling IS normal...

Martha- There are good answers to those questions... admittedly I've only heard them from him but he has offered to give me both his mum's and his ex-wife's emails, to check up on him. His ex-wife is his best friend and I think that's probably a good sign.
And he is in a highly-paid, high-demand vocation and he has a lot of earning power... Not that I'm in it for money, but it's reassuring.
And of course we'll use protection, IF it gets that far.

Scatteroflight - thanks for sharing your story, and *HUGS*! I hope everything works out well for you. As everyone kept telling me, I'm sure the right person will come along!
I have no idea why you thought I was older... but this guy seems to think I act a lot older than I am in a lot of ways (which is kind of what started everything). So you're not alone! He tells me he spent the first night we met telling himself incredulously, "She's 23! She's 23!"

Blue Angel - Thanks! The streets are no longer safe... no car yet but I'm working on it.

Angela - Ooops, I get it... and thanks

This has helped... I will try to let go a bit and follow my heart, as SoulNation so succinctly put it! I'm kind of glad he hasn't been here while I've been going thru the mad, question-everything stage... I'm over it now and I can relax.
This might be a good time to start listening to all my U2 CDs again... they might mean something a bit different this time...

Thank you all again!

Alison

 

[Blue_Angel]

good, I am glad you're feeling a bit better about it Ali!

 

[Alisaura]

Update

Hi guys.... Just thought I'd pop by... He's been back for a few weeks now, and everything's going quite well... We had a lovely weekend on the north coast and we're happy.
Sucks that he's off to Africa next week though.... but I knew this was never going to be very easy. I'll need to get myself a passport soon, I think....



Alison

 

[ghetofabu]

I know how you feel some of these issues. I am seeing someone who is older as well. I am 24 and he is 42. It gave me a warm fuzzy reading about your parents. Thank you. I think the distance thing may be a complication. I don't know how you can work around it. I think you should relax though. Don't stress about the physical. Some people are just late bloomers. Just have fun and enjoy the time you have when you have it.