cjboog
Refugee
I would love to hear some advice from anyone who has been through a long distance relationship. I am going through it right now, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
That's the bottom line, but if you want to read on so you know the details of my story, here goes:
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Actually -- when I first started liking her, I asked people on this forum for some ideas on how to ask her to our first dance! It worked! We started dating senior year of high school and have spent the last 4 years together at the same university.
We are starting a long distance relationship right now which means we will be apart for about 1.5 years. She had an opportunity to move to another state to do 1.5 years of national service teaching low income students while I continue to work on my education. We both decided this was the right thing to do and a once in a lifetime opportunity. At the time I avoided thinking about how hard it would be. I thought, "we are strong enough, it'll be hard, but we can make it. Then we'll be together again." Some may think putting ourselves through this is crazy, but keep in mind that we are both young (22 and 23) and each still have about 4 years of higher education to go because we are very motivated in our professional lives (law school for me and medical school for her).
To give you a little more perspective, I have basically spent every day of the past 5 years with this girl. We have been best friends and spent nearly all our free time together. We stayed at each other's houses almost every night, living essentially like a married couple. We often speak about the future as though we will be together. I am deeply in love with her and am feeling depressed - it is an enormous void in my life. I truly believe that she may be "the one." I often imagine getting married to her.
She seems to not be struggling as much as me because she is so busy with her job and she has made a lot of new friends in her new city. I am currently not working and am a student - which means I have a lot of "free time" to do school work. I am having trouble getting motivated to do things. I am a bit withdrawn when I'm hanging out with other people because I miss her. I will sometimes cry when I'm alone because I miss her so much.
We have both saved up some money for visiting each other and have so far been able to visit about every 3 weeks, which is great. She doesn't like Skype, because she feels as though seeing me and not being able to touch me is just a reminder of how far apart we are. Last time I visited her, she said, "When you're away I feel so distant from you. But it's so much better when you're here." I just get so worried about "drifting" apart not being in each other's lives every day. I asked her recently if she still feels committed to me and and she said, "Yes. And I still love you very much." She said she's just decided not to let our situation freak her out and just try to focus on her job and when she'll see me next.
I am also having trust issues. I do trust her and want her to make new friends, but I don't necessarily trust other people. One of the new friends she has made who she enjoys hanging out with is a guy who I think may have feelings for her, and it is absolutely maddening being a thousand miles away when you have a suspicion like this. Again, I do trust her. But the prospect of someone else trying to win over the person you love when you are far away and not respecting your relationship ... it just hurts that it's even a possibility. I am ashamed to admit it, but my suspicion led me to read a few of the texts he sent her. I found that this person is texting her a lot asking her to hang out and saying things like, "Call me if you want to talk about school or just about anything. Please." I half-jokingly asked if this person had a crush on her and she once responded with, "I don't think so" and later with "I don't know." Instead of addressing the issue, I made a joke about needing to get in a fist fight with this guy. Again it's tough because I do trust her. She does enjoy hanging out with him (always in a group) but you can see why I would be uncomfortable. I think perhaps the solution here is just for us to be completely honest with each other about our relationships with others. I don't have to be uncomfortable... as long as she's honest with me about his behavior around her. Please let me know if you have experience approaching conversations like this, especially in the context of long distance.
I don't know anyone who has been in a long distance relationship like this and I've read online that long distance relationships only last if there is good communication and clear expectations. She is coming to visit me next weekend and I want to have a talk with her about all of this. It's tough because I want our time with each other to be fun and natural, but I will simply go crazy if I don't talk to her about this and I can't do it over the phone. Although we've talked about our situation, I don't feel that we've talked clearly enough about our long term plans and wants. There is a lot of uncertainty about how we will be together after her teaching job is over. She'll be going to medical school. I'll be in my second year of law school. At this point I feel like I'll transfer law schools to be in the same city as her if I have to. At some point, we will have to choose that being together is worth a sacrifice in one of both of our professional lives. I am almost certain that we are on the same page, but I need to make certain she has the same level of commitment as I do. Typically she has been the one to talk about commitment and call me her "partner" rather than boyfriend. She even called me her "fiancé" in her teaching application in an attempt to get placed in the same city as me. Now I'm the one who wants to talk about these issues.
Anyway. That's about it. I'm hurting a lot right now, and still have a long ways to go before this is over. We've been apart for about 8 months in our relationship (including the past 5) and have about 16 more months to go. Part of the therapy here is just having a place to write this all down and make sense of it - but any positive thoughts or suggestions would be so much appreciated.
That's the bottom line, but if you want to read on so you know the details of my story, here goes:
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Actually -- when I first started liking her, I asked people on this forum for some ideas on how to ask her to our first dance! It worked! We started dating senior year of high school and have spent the last 4 years together at the same university.
We are starting a long distance relationship right now which means we will be apart for about 1.5 years. She had an opportunity to move to another state to do 1.5 years of national service teaching low income students while I continue to work on my education. We both decided this was the right thing to do and a once in a lifetime opportunity. At the time I avoided thinking about how hard it would be. I thought, "we are strong enough, it'll be hard, but we can make it. Then we'll be together again." Some may think putting ourselves through this is crazy, but keep in mind that we are both young (22 and 23) and each still have about 4 years of higher education to go because we are very motivated in our professional lives (law school for me and medical school for her).
To give you a little more perspective, I have basically spent every day of the past 5 years with this girl. We have been best friends and spent nearly all our free time together. We stayed at each other's houses almost every night, living essentially like a married couple. We often speak about the future as though we will be together. I am deeply in love with her and am feeling depressed - it is an enormous void in my life. I truly believe that she may be "the one." I often imagine getting married to her.
She seems to not be struggling as much as me because she is so busy with her job and she has made a lot of new friends in her new city. I am currently not working and am a student - which means I have a lot of "free time" to do school work. I am having trouble getting motivated to do things. I am a bit withdrawn when I'm hanging out with other people because I miss her. I will sometimes cry when I'm alone because I miss her so much.
We have both saved up some money for visiting each other and have so far been able to visit about every 3 weeks, which is great. She doesn't like Skype, because she feels as though seeing me and not being able to touch me is just a reminder of how far apart we are. Last time I visited her, she said, "When you're away I feel so distant from you. But it's so much better when you're here." I just get so worried about "drifting" apart not being in each other's lives every day. I asked her recently if she still feels committed to me and and she said, "Yes. And I still love you very much." She said she's just decided not to let our situation freak her out and just try to focus on her job and when she'll see me next.
I am also having trust issues. I do trust her and want her to make new friends, but I don't necessarily trust other people. One of the new friends she has made who she enjoys hanging out with is a guy who I think may have feelings for her, and it is absolutely maddening being a thousand miles away when you have a suspicion like this. Again, I do trust her. But the prospect of someone else trying to win over the person you love when you are far away and not respecting your relationship ... it just hurts that it's even a possibility. I am ashamed to admit it, but my suspicion led me to read a few of the texts he sent her. I found that this person is texting her a lot asking her to hang out and saying things like, "Call me if you want to talk about school or just about anything. Please." I half-jokingly asked if this person had a crush on her and she once responded with, "I don't think so" and later with "I don't know." Instead of addressing the issue, I made a joke about needing to get in a fist fight with this guy. Again it's tough because I do trust her. She does enjoy hanging out with him (always in a group) but you can see why I would be uncomfortable. I think perhaps the solution here is just for us to be completely honest with each other about our relationships with others. I don't have to be uncomfortable... as long as she's honest with me about his behavior around her. Please let me know if you have experience approaching conversations like this, especially in the context of long distance.
I don't know anyone who has been in a long distance relationship like this and I've read online that long distance relationships only last if there is good communication and clear expectations. She is coming to visit me next weekend and I want to have a talk with her about all of this. It's tough because I want our time with each other to be fun and natural, but I will simply go crazy if I don't talk to her about this and I can't do it over the phone. Although we've talked about our situation, I don't feel that we've talked clearly enough about our long term plans and wants. There is a lot of uncertainty about how we will be together after her teaching job is over. She'll be going to medical school. I'll be in my second year of law school. At this point I feel like I'll transfer law schools to be in the same city as her if I have to. At some point, we will have to choose that being together is worth a sacrifice in one of both of our professional lives. I am almost certain that we are on the same page, but I need to make certain she has the same level of commitment as I do. Typically she has been the one to talk about commitment and call me her "partner" rather than boyfriend. She even called me her "fiancé" in her teaching application in an attempt to get placed in the same city as me. Now I'm the one who wants to talk about these issues.
Anyway. That's about it. I'm hurting a lot right now, and still have a long ways to go before this is over. We've been apart for about 8 months in our relationship (including the past 5) and have about 16 more months to go. Part of the therapy here is just having a place to write this all down and make sense of it - but any positive thoughts or suggestions would be so much appreciated.