This is probably pretty petty in comparison to what a lot of people here go through...ahh but here goes anyway.
I am almost 19, my birthday is in fact this Monday...when i was about 10, i was very outgoing, enthusiastic a decent public speaker, performing in a musical (The Music Man) at Belfast's Grand Opera House...into theatre, going to auditions etc...When i went to secondary school (high school for you Americans)...i was kinda bullied about how i spoke, the way i said some words like school, bull, bowl sounded American to the guys in my class, kind of a silly thing to get bullied about right...even sillier to take notice of them...but basically they laughed or made fun of it everytime i spoke...hence i eventually became terrified of public speaking...i dreaded being asked to read passages from books in class...i became very quiet as a result, rarely ever speaking, just because i became scared of how people thought of the way i spoke..so i became reserved, mute even at times especially round people i didn't know.
It was mainly two guys who were responsible for the majority of making fun of me...we always ended up in the same classes, even after the class shakeup in 3rd year, we were in the same class...in 5th year i changed schools even...they changed to the same school I changed mainly because my old school was not going to do a class for German at A Level, but i was looking forward to escaping these guys who had annoyed me for the past 5 years...but first day at the new school, there they were...after two weeks i went back to my old school...i was better for it, i came out of myself after a year..i just basically said what do i care how people think of me, all that matters is how i think of myself and my own self respect....haha now i sing just going into town...jingle bells in the middle of the summer...i am the first person on the dance floor at clubs...i hop about the place...i am very outgoing now...but some things kinda remain with me....
In 5th year for my GCSE English course, you had to prepare a speech for a grade in your oral skills...i was terrified of speaking in front of my class especially those two guys...so the day came and i did a speech on the Irish Diaspora....i uhh began to shake while speaking, my voice tremorred, my arms began to shake and my right leg just started shaking violently, my foot was tapping the ground quite violently and very loudly, i was a wreck and i could see those two guys just grinning at me...i got so bad my teacher had to tell me to sit down as my foot was making a very loud sound from tapping off the ground, plus my voice was breaking up...i did get to the end of my speech though and i got near enough full marks for it too...of course those guys went on about 'how crap i was and how i didn't deserve my marks because i was nervous'...
I thought i had gotten over that stage of fear of public speaking...turns out itwas untrue...
Recently a friend from my year in school died, the same day he got his A level results and he had gotten in to the course he wanted to at university too...he had epilepsy and had a fit the night of his results, and died in his sleep...that was terrible...so most of my year went to his funeral, and tonight was his months mind..it was a service held up at my old school..i turn up and i am asked by one of the teachers would i do the Prayers of the Faithful..so i agree and when my time came, i got up to the altar and yeh i start getting terrified again, tremor in my voice and my leg starts to wobble again..i got through it better than last time...but it is an awful feeling...it annoys me that i let those two guys get to me so much that it still effects me....
You know i am actually scared of making phone calls unless to someone i know very well...but calling the bank for instance terrifies me i jsut freeze and start babbling...the first call i made to someone other than a relative or friend was to a bookshop last year...i had to sit by the phone for about an hour before i could pick it up to make a simple bloody enquiry...i am getting better now at it though...but it still takes me absolutely too long just to ask simple bloody questions over the phone..
It is just stupid and i really piss myself off about it..i have not had a job yet..i had been to a couple of interviews just before the summer, but i shake at them or stumble over my words all the time...i know that is not uncommon but they do literally scare me to death...
Ahh sorry for the rant, just needed to vent i guess.
I am almost 19, my birthday is in fact this Monday...when i was about 10, i was very outgoing, enthusiastic a decent public speaker, performing in a musical (The Music Man) at Belfast's Grand Opera House...into theatre, going to auditions etc...When i went to secondary school (high school for you Americans)...i was kinda bullied about how i spoke, the way i said some words like school, bull, bowl sounded American to the guys in my class, kind of a silly thing to get bullied about right...even sillier to take notice of them...but basically they laughed or made fun of it everytime i spoke...hence i eventually became terrified of public speaking...i dreaded being asked to read passages from books in class...i became very quiet as a result, rarely ever speaking, just because i became scared of how people thought of the way i spoke..so i became reserved, mute even at times especially round people i didn't know.
It was mainly two guys who were responsible for the majority of making fun of me...we always ended up in the same classes, even after the class shakeup in 3rd year, we were in the same class...in 5th year i changed schools even...they changed to the same school I changed mainly because my old school was not going to do a class for German at A Level, but i was looking forward to escaping these guys who had annoyed me for the past 5 years...but first day at the new school, there they were...after two weeks i went back to my old school...i was better for it, i came out of myself after a year..i just basically said what do i care how people think of me, all that matters is how i think of myself and my own self respect....haha now i sing just going into town...jingle bells in the middle of the summer...i am the first person on the dance floor at clubs...i hop about the place...i am very outgoing now...but some things kinda remain with me....
In 5th year for my GCSE English course, you had to prepare a speech for a grade in your oral skills...i was terrified of speaking in front of my class especially those two guys...so the day came and i did a speech on the Irish Diaspora....i uhh began to shake while speaking, my voice tremorred, my arms began to shake and my right leg just started shaking violently, my foot was tapping the ground quite violently and very loudly, i was a wreck and i could see those two guys just grinning at me...i got so bad my teacher had to tell me to sit down as my foot was making a very loud sound from tapping off the ground, plus my voice was breaking up...i did get to the end of my speech though and i got near enough full marks for it too...of course those guys went on about 'how crap i was and how i didn't deserve my marks because i was nervous'...
I thought i had gotten over that stage of fear of public speaking...turns out itwas untrue...
Recently a friend from my year in school died, the same day he got his A level results and he had gotten in to the course he wanted to at university too...he had epilepsy and had a fit the night of his results, and died in his sleep...that was terrible...so most of my year went to his funeral, and tonight was his months mind..it was a service held up at my old school..i turn up and i am asked by one of the teachers would i do the Prayers of the Faithful..so i agree and when my time came, i got up to the altar and yeh i start getting terrified again, tremor in my voice and my leg starts to wobble again..i got through it better than last time...but it is an awful feeling...it annoys me that i let those two guys get to me so much that it still effects me....
You know i am actually scared of making phone calls unless to someone i know very well...but calling the bank for instance terrifies me i jsut freeze and start babbling...the first call i made to someone other than a relative or friend was to a bookshop last year...i had to sit by the phone for about an hour before i could pick it up to make a simple bloody enquiry...i am getting better now at it though...but it still takes me absolutely too long just to ask simple bloody questions over the phone..
It is just stupid and i really piss myself off about it..i have not had a job yet..i had been to a couple of interviews just before the summer, but i shake at them or stumble over my words all the time...i know that is not uncommon but they do literally scare me to death...
Ahh sorry for the rant, just needed to vent i guess.
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