melon collie and the infinite sadness

[Zoomerang96]

maybe its cause its sunday night

im not quite sure.

i dont need anyone here to care, i just need a place to write this shit out, it doesnt make sense, but apparently poets who can sing about this sorta thing even make money while doin it so excuse me. this isnt a confession, more a place for me to vent. maybe itll make things feel better.

where to begin...

alright.

1. i wrote about this before, but its definately important now. on friday night, one of my two cats got into a fight with another cat and branches of plants were broken, hair was everywhere, and the window had piss on it from the tom cat.
the next day we couldnt find her. 1 + 1 = 2, so im assuming they continued fighting somewhere else and she died. it would be nice to know for sure though. its sunday night and still no sign of her.

this cat that i believe fought her, really really isnt cool. my dad had to rip him off of the cat about a month ago cause he was, well raping her. she couldnt really get away from him. a different time, i saw him on the yard, and it chased the male cat into the wheat field beside the yard, and drove my female cat up a tree. cats are petrified of this beast.

it really hurts to know that some cat came here and started his thing and probably killed my cat. i know its all natural and what not, but still. i always feared for my cat from that cat, and now the worst has happened. its such a dark feeling... dreading something that might happen and then it does...its not good.

i love my cats.

2. someone that i know very little, get along with alright and used to work with, told priority number 1 that i "have a crush on her." why. why would she do that?

priority number 1 apparently was flattered, and everything went well. SO I WAS TOLD. apparently shes not scared of me anymore either.
now im expected to go and make a move of sorts, well no chance, none, never is that going to happen. im not even going there anymore. i like the girl but i cant date her, i cant date anyone at least not now and thats fine cause thats the way its supposed to be for me.
people are pressuring me to do something about this now, and i dont know how to handle it.
i believe i will hole myself in my basement until i go back to europe next summer.

well maybe not but still. i go to the place where she works like 3 times a day. its not cause shes working, cause she barely ever works when i stop by, but i have to go there to pick up the newspaper, drop off film, get food, plus many other things. im horrified at the thought of going there again. i dont know what to do other than wish i could wear my radiohead shirt everyday because it protects me from the bad stuff and the bad people out there everyday and cause it makes me look dismissable and people wont worry about it and ya.

this whole thing is so rediculous, cause i didnt want her to find out i liked her. i mean ya, shes great and all, but i didnt want her to find out until like a week before i go away from everything. that way i dont have to face the consequences. it was never my intention for this to happen. i mean what if shes freaked out of me?! i dont need her to be afraid! everytime i go there and shes working, itll feel like theres about 50 guns pointed to my head with eyes staring me down, waiting for me to say something stupid, but instead i will simply LOOK stupid by not saying ANYTHING and simply walk away. what does she expect from me?! im just a man, im not giving in.

the whole thoughts of relationships revolt me, i cannot understand how i let her get to me the way she did/does and i wish it never happened. life doesnt need to be so complicated, even though i fully and readily admit that NOONE on earth would feel the same way about this situation as i do. i believe im going insane.

the only good thing happened last night at the club, when me and one of my friends got on the dance floor and started (again, we do this many times a night) playing hard air guitar/bass/and drums to dismayed girls who thought we'd lost it completely. maybe theyd laugh it off if we werent RIGHT in their face.

see the girls i dont like or have any use for im MORE than open with.

shes working on tuesday night, and my friends are forcing me to go with them to go see her. luckily i have a basebal game that night.

but the next time shes working, there is no way im going there. none. this isnt happening.

and what makes this all suck so much is because one of my most loyal silent and beautiful friends has gone AWOL. my cat. theyre always there for you, cats are far better than humans.

now i still have one cat, which is great, but wait until hes gone...

at least i still have beautiful music that i love and noone or nothing can take that away from me, ever. that and i have the best countryside in the universe and i can go down the road a mile and be alone by myself with the stars and escape everything.

i will deal with this, but sometimes it just feels really hard.

 

[Sicy]

its late otherwise i'd write more

1.

2. You will be fine bear.. just go with your feelings and dont act all weird.

 

[Zoomerang96]

thanks sicy, thats good enough really.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Your poor little cat. You know cats will crawl away until they are ready to limp home dont you. Years ago, I saw one of my cats run across the street after me. A motorbike came around the corner and clipped him. He was rolling in the road from the force and I guess just getting his bearings when a car came along quickly after and ran over him. I had started screaming by this stage and couldnt move. My little baby boy finally got to his feet and took off straight into the bush. This was on a friday afternoon. I took a can of cat food and a fork and walked kilometres a day calling him, tapping the tin, hoping to find him. I had this dreadful fear he had done the cat thing and crawled into the bush to die. Cats do that. I hated living in the bush sometimes. I continued this everyday into the following week. By the Wednesday, still no luck. My baby was gone. I got home in the pitch black and went to clean out some of his bowls from the laundry. 2 green glowing eyes stared back at me from the window sill outside. He had finally come home Bear. We whipped him up to the vet, not one scratch, not one broken bone. Muscle damamge. The vet didn't know how to explain it. My baby needed to go away by the looks of it and recover on his own. I imagine you would spend a while trying to work if you were alive at all after getting hit by a motorbike and a car in the space of about 20 seconds.

Dont give up on your cat. They do strange things so often and we dont know why.

It seems with P1 you want to admire her from afar where it is safe. Safety is good. It doesn't seem enough though sometimes does it. Safety once again becomes more important. Maybe it is worse to be too close and wish you had that safe distance between you, back. Its a hard one to win.

 

[Zoomerang96]

thank you angela for taking the time to write that.

about the cat, i can only hope she comes back.

about priority number 1, well, you hit the nail right on the head.

i do want to admire her from afar, though at times i wouldnt mind calling her my girlfriend or something...

i like safety more though, you dont get hurt.

thanks again.

 

[brettig]

lol

'I like her but i don't wanna deal with it'

Deal with it!

After youve had your medicine things will be alot easier.

lol also@ referring to the girl as 'P1'...surely shes at least a D or an HD!

 

[Tabby]

I thought this was about the album and I was going to say how much I liked it, but this is terrible. You might still find your cat, I hope. I know a stray in my neigborhood that I feed got his butt kicked really bad by another cat. He had a poked out eye, a limp leg, blood all over him and a bald spot on his back. He wouldn't let me help him, he ran off. I didn't see him for 2 weeks and I knew he must've crawled off and died of his wounds. But, one morning he showed up, his eye was healed, his leg wasn't limp, no more cuts, and even his bald spot had grown over! He must have gone off and hibernated and nursed himself the old fashioned way, because he's alive and healthy to this day. I wish that for yours too.

 

[Screaming Flower]

bear i'm really sorry you are having such a crappy time right now. i'm especially sad about your cat. that's so horrible. i hope she's actually ok and i hope that you will be ok. it also really sucks that p1 found out that way. maybe it will end up being a good thing. some things are worth taking risks for. if not, and you really don't want to pursue it, don't let anyone pressure you into anything that you don't want to do. i wish i could say something to make you feel better. just know that i am thinking about you (even at work today ). drop me a line on the msn if you want to talk.

 

[Sicy]

These cat stories make me and at the same time.

 

[Blue_Angel]

Ok deathbear, first off, your cat. Do you know the owner of this freakish nightmare? Or is it a feral cat, like a barncat that is half wild? The good news is cats rarely kill other cats, they fight really violently and usually go for the eyes, not something that would kill the other cat (although it could be a pretty serious wound). If you know who owns this other cat, please, please talk to them. If nobody owns it call animal control. This thing shouldn't be roaming around harassing your pets (plus if it is wild, it could be spreading disease). As for your kitty, I don't know what to say...has she ever dissappeared before? My cats are indoor/outdoor cats and they sometimes disappear for a couple days, it's not very often but they do it. Also, is she fixed? That might be part of the problem if she isn't. I really, really hope she comes home, please tell us when she does.
And you're not going to lose your other kitty, don't say that.

Now....girls suck don't they???? No, I am serious. I HATE it when my friends take it upon themselves to go inform the person I am crushing on what my feeling are. Because not only do I now have to face an embarrassing and awkward situation, but I also look like a total coward for not doing anything about it myself which is hardly a great first impression. But what happened has happened bearness, and now you've gotta deal with it. I totally understand that this suddenly feels overwhelming and totally complicated, but you've gotta get a grip on yourself and realize it's not. It's just scary because this girl matters so much to you. But I will bet you she's hardly feeling totally confident about the situation either as there are VERY few girls like that.
Now, if it takes going a mile down your road and lying alone underneath the stars to make you feel grounded, so be it. But you cannot stay lying there alone and hiding from this forever. You're going to go somewhere, you're going to see her, and you will talk to her. And you WILL NOT look stupid. She will understand that you're nervous, you've gotta give her some credit. And if nothing really happens after that, you cannot eat yourself up about it. You have to stop second-guessing and critiquing everything you say and do around this girl. Just be you, even if it is a nervous you. If she is flattered that you have feelings about her, this will be enough for her.

So much advice from someone who is so bad at all this stuff. Thing is, I know what I have to do, I am just not confident enough to do it yet. You'll know when you're ready, you just have to really lighten up on yourself. And you have to start somewhere, if you never do anything about your feelings, you will never fully appreciate life for what it has to offer. But you will, I know you will. Best of luck to you bear, and I hope your cat comes home soon so you can have her around to give you that quiet, unfaltering support that these little guys are so good for

 

[U2girl]

GO BEAR!

1) I hope you'll find the cat alive soon.

2) I must say it's interesting to see this kind of attitude about dating from a guy. I always thought guys were supposed to be the confident ones and that us girls were the shy ones.

Anyway...if she was flattered, like you heard, what's the problem?


Maybe her finding out was a good thing and you two can start up something beautiful. (i'm not sure how much i'm qualified to give dating advice...) Who knows, maybe SHE might ask YOU out?
Would you be any more comfortable with that? And perhaps if you have trouble talking to her, you could explain it in some letter, or maybe have a common friend talk to her for you and explain your thoughts?

You know, as long as she knows, i think there's no harm in trying and ask her out - you might as well gather up the courage and go for it. If she says no, you can still stay friends, if she says yes, well -

isn't it worth the risk?

ps: i think "priority number 1" sounds cute, by the way.

 

[U2girl]

life doesnt need to be so complicated, even though i fully and readily admit that NOONE on earth would feel the same way about this situation as i do. i believe im going insane.

shes working on tuesday night, and my friends are forcing me to go with them to go see her. luckily i have a basebal game that night.

You know, believe it or not, i think there's a lot of people who would react like you did. True, some are the kind of people who go "YEAH!" and take the iniciative, and there's those who go "Yikes!" and ... take cover.

I know i'd probably freak out too if some guy found out i liked him. (or vice versa, that i would find out some guy likes me...actually that happened once and i was...."YEEESH! *panic* Nahhh, i don't believe it."
The thing is he never said anything to me personally...and of course me and my shyness didn't do anything about it neither, so.... Can't say he was my type though - can't say i had any interest in him in that way, but then again...who knows what might have happened?)

Hmmm have you considered talking to her in private, and telling her what you're saying to us? I bet she'd understand.

 

[TripThruUreWires]

I feel for ya DB...both concerning your cat and the girl. Unfortunately, i've experienced similar circumstances where the outcome wasn't positive. I lost my childhood dog (a little shetland sheepdog) to a viscious neighbor's german shepard (it damaged my dog's kidneys beyond medical attention). Needless to say, I was devastated. I think many of us know what it's like to have such an attachment to an animal. i hope to God your cat is safe.

About the girl, you shouldn't let it stress you out so much. I know that's easy to say and all, but have enough confidence in yourself. So what if your not "Rico Suave" with the ladies. Believe me, not every girl expects or wants that. You have enough redeeming qualities and unique attributes that make you worthwhile. If you can't be yourself around a girl, than what's the point? If she's scared off by the person you are, than she's not even worth your time. You can only admire a girl from afar for so long before you start going insane. I guess you have to weigh the outcome of your decision: insanity/regret vs. potential rejection or a connection. And even "rejection" isn't as bad as it seems. Been there, experienced that. Yeah, it stings for a moment or two, but at the same time you get a whole lot off your mind and heart and are able to move on with your life. It's never as hard as it looks, especially if you don't let yourself get too attached to a person from afar. Also, remember, people can appear "perfect" when you're admiring them from afar, but you need to remind yourself that in all reality, they are NOT....which, in turn, makes them more approachable.

Good luck with everything DB
~brooke

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I am praying for you to get your cat back safely. I would be absolutely heartbroken if anything happened to my animals.


As for the girl, I totally agree with everything Miss Trip had to say. Good luck, deathbear!

 

[Zoomerang96]

thanks all very much, perhaps i will give updates here tommorow since something bad is about to happen.

thanks for taking all your time to respond to this, thank you very very much.

 

[The Wanderer]

I'm very sorry about your cat

good luck with the girl, or I guess maybe I should say with other girls, or whatever you decide to do, and it's not that big of a deal if you decide to do nothing at all since you don't seem ready or comfortable, anyway, hope your cat turns up ok

 

[Cowgirl]

im sending u a PM

 

[Sicy]

* says a prayer for sabrina *

 

[Naya]

I'm sorry to hear about your cat, db. I really hope she will return safe and sound.

About priority no 1: I have to agree with what Trip wrote. You're a great guy and if you're not what she's looking for, then it's her loss. But you must take a chance, you must take a risk. It seems she likes you, so go for it.

Take care

 

[Zoomerang96]

thanks sicy, thats nice of you.

funny though, she didnt look anything like that though. ever. thats a poor picture i took of her. plus it looks like my other cat is sniffing her ass. maybe he was!



...

 

[wannabe]

terribly sorry to hear about your cat. i'll keep its safe return to you in my thoughts.

about the girl that knows about you, i'd say give it a go. instead of talking in person, could you ask her for her phone number and call later? that might make things less tense. if you're like me, the phone is feasable cause she can't see you pace vigorously. best of luck to you.

on a side note, you may really like the new Filter album. it has some over-excessive swearing, but still worth a buy.

 

[Zoomerang96]

hey wannabe, thanks for the thoughts, same goes to everyone again, thank you.

i will never approach her for her phone number, ever.

lol.

anyway, about the filter cd, i wish theyd come out with an album where he doesnt scream as much. when the guy sings, he has a beautiful voice. check out miss blue on title of record.

and im not a big fan of swearing on cds. to me, i dont like for a number of reasons but also it makes the writer look stupid for not coming up with a more imaginative way to describe how they feel.