I'm starting to feel it...

[cell]

the thing about being me...is that when i'm anti-social, i go all out. i dont talk to anyone, and i have this look on my face that says it all: don't fucking talk to me. i wasn't like this before. i was shy, but never like how i am now.

today, when i took my daughter out to the pool, i had 2 people who conversed with me. i was intimidated, but i'm good at hiding things. i felt happy, yet i wanted to keep to myself. im confused again. and im scared. i always wonder if people at my mobile home complex think im fucked in the head because of my mannerisms. there's this little old german lady who lives a few houses down. if she doesnt want to talk to you or anyone else, she hides her face with her hand or a newspaper, like she's ashamed to be seen. everybody makes fun of her when she does that...it sucks. im starting to feel like her, i just don't do the hand or newspaper thing. im the only one she'll talk to, and she's so nice, such a sweet lady. kinda wierd, but i identify with her more than anybody at times. people at this complex seem to see me as this very outgoing approachable person, when im really scared of talking to anybody at all at times. i always thought my acting talent came in handy.

im starting to feel lonely. i want to have real live friends, the kind you can see in front of you, shake their hands, etc. but im too scared. im scared that i'll get burned again like i've been so many times over the years, im scared of people thinking im just whacked. and then i have this fear of not being able to breathe from having that kind of friendship that i am desperate for. i need friends that i can relate to, talk to about everyday things, my passion for u2, music, finding that special guy, joke around with. but my instinct is to just push people away. i like my space, a bit too much. recently i pushed away people on screen and off on purpose. i just couldnt breathe. i felt like such a bitch, but i had to do it. there's only 3 people here who i feel really understand me. thank you for being here for me. i dont need to mention names i guess what im trying to say in general is, im done being this way, but im scared. i dont want to let go of myself just yet. scary...

 

[Lilly]

icelle peach...confronting our fears is a big task with little steps. i'm scared of swings...i don't like seeing them or being by them (this is not to trivialize your problem, it's just an analogy). but i still try them when i'm at the park. i've gotten it so that now i can sit on them. then after a while i started to move back and forth with my feet still on the ground, but when my feet *left* the ground i freaked out and cried (as a 17 year old lol) but every time i went to the park i'd keep trying the swings out and push myself a little higher and higher and higher. i can get my feet about 2 feet off the ground now, and i think that's as far as i'll ever get, but it's better than being afraid of just *seeing* a swing now, right?


it's hard to make a personal regime change because all of the strength has to come from within you. but you're on your way, because you've recognized that you want to change. and that alone indicates that you're strong enough to go out and do it. i really believe you've got the strength icelle, i truly do. and if you need help...there are so many places to seek reinforcement...the three people you trust here, God, music, lyrics, poetry, your daughter...anything! i'll even bake you cookies

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I can relate, icelle. Lately I've been in a huge depression about a lot of things, and came to a realization this weekend over some of it. It mostly has to do with if I want to be happy, I have to do things that will make me happy. Same with you, if you want change (which it sounds you do) you will do what is needed to change. It's hard to get started, trust me, but I'm sure soon enough we'll both find our way.

Good luck, girl. Keep us posted!

 

[beegee]

i want to have real live friends, the kind you can see in front of you, shake their hands, etc.

i'm only a few hours away, girl. i know we will see each other soon. as for the rest of it, you know where to find me so that we can really talk. i'm always here for you. you can even call me if you want to. hang in there, cellie. you are a great person and a wonderful friend. i am lucky to have you in my life. you are kind and honest, loyal and funny. there is nothing wrong with you. and i will never let you become the little old lady with the newspaper. not unless i'm right next to you sipping smirnoff through a straw with my dentures slipping. we can sit and bitch about those young whipper-snappers and their god-awful rap music. we'll be so old we'll be seeing bono on "where are they now?" then we can get angry and lift the blouses of our polyester pantsuits. even when we're a hundred, i still got your wrinkly back. how's that sound?

 

[cell]

thanks guys, i need to hear that

bg, i feel the same, thank you for hearing me out when i was at my most anal moment. growing old together, and lifting our polyesters...that sounds something i'd love to do. freak da shit out of everyone with our wrinklies

 

[beegee]

freak da shit out of everyone with our wrinklies

speak da freak for yourself...i'm still the shit, even with my wrinklies