You know... this part might need to go to Zoo Confessional or sumptin..
Diamond--
I kinda have the same problem.
I mean, I'm totally straight as an arrow, and always longed for a girlfriend... but my introvert/introspectiveness, social anxiety/awkwardness, and capricious idiosyncrasies always at times seem to beg people (straight and gay) to ask "Is he or isn't he?"
And it's like they think they know all about gays but they never cease their urge to talk about such fascinations and speculations.
And it's always seems like people think whatever they say is the ultimate judgement on the other person (e.g. me)... They'll say: "He prolly is, but just doesn't know it yet."
I mean, I'm not flamboyant or anything... but I do have a dark, gloomy temperament, always carrying a dark cloud over my head, so to speak... I'm usually uncomfortable in social situations (a la agoraphobia/social anxiety)... and I have a totally deflated self-esteem/self-confidence because of extreme psychological trauma and stress....
All of which goes to show that I'm pretty
fucked up!! but people see me and say "He's gay."
It's been 12 years since I've been in therapy... I'm
almost considered (by mental health workers) as bipolar manic-depressive type II paranoid schizophrenic w/ schizotypal personality disorder and post-traumatic stress syndrome...
(but NOT gay... ) except for the fact that i'm not a lifer in a psychiatric hospital...
And I'm not being a defensive homophobic either... I've just had direct, personal experience that drove me to paranoid tendencies to the nth degree, because fucking kids in high school would shut the fuck up with the faggot slander that spread across the hometown and the whole town reacted with homophobia... and I'm getting shit from them about things that were never true....
:GAO: :GAO: