FH's thread - I'll write more over time

[For Honor]

Well, good luck wizard.


I hope that you do not think of this world as being too bleak and perhaps depressing, though. There is a lot of potential. And yes, it could go either way, but there is a lot of potential...


Thank you, though.

 

[For Honor]

I realize now, something about my personality - I am a dreamer. I'm a big dreamer.

But..... on those few dreams - which are grand and spectacular and perhaps out of this world, yes - I seem to work relentlessly towards making them happen...................

I've done a lot of research on people, on myself, on love, and perhaps I am subconsciously driven by a desire to have it. I never really thought of it as something I "wanted", but I suppose I do.

ANd then...... there is a new dream....
"So dream out loud", as the song goes......

Well......

IT's a dream of world united.
It is a beginning of a dream, but.....
........
There is a lot of potential in this world.
We, as a human race, can do more now than ever before.....
Each passing day I realiize this more and more.
Despite all the crap on the news and such.....
I can see something very positive, very progressive.

I think we can reach the next level soon ... I hope we can

 

[For Honor]

I am slowly learning how to cook, and I enjoy it a l ot ...

 

[For Honor]

"I must be..."



More than an acrobat
Am I the dream landscaper?
I dream those dreams
That only dreamers can
That only believers can
That only those whose hearts can rise and soar
And fall...............
That only a dreamer can....
Yet I can only accept the truth
I'm not really an acrobat

Everything I write is about myself, as you can see
Conceited to the core
All there is is me
Me myself and I
Yet the only time I cry
Is for someone else
The only way I could die
Is for someone else
I must be... an acrobat........

See through the barriers
Listening not with touch, nor sense, but mind and soul
Take it all in, and don't be swayed
Don't be afraid
Don't loose yourself
To emotion,
To bias.
To falacy, and the untruth
I can't close my eyes
And it hurts the most when I do, I can't close them
Not on me, not you, not the world
I cannot look away




[[[[[[[[[ branch


Memory came back to me just now - 2


When I was a kid.......
I remember 2 things now.......
ONe of them intentional, the other not quite so
The first was......

I would watch somone, like in class, at school. Especially when they were quiet, and reading, or looking at something, or working on something. In a situation where they were focused or involved in something. And...... and what I would do is..... I'd "imagine" seeing what they saw, and feeling what they felt, and thinking what they would think. I'd get absorbed into it. I'd really focus on them. And sometimes, I remember, it would feel very real, like I could actually feel what that person felt. I could see what they could see.

2
in the hallway............ let me try to remember......
Walking in the hallways...
I distinclty remember the hallway of my 3rd grade. It was a large building, but I remember it, a strong visual imprint in my brain. That was ... I remember it happening a few times,,,,,,,,,

I'd walk through the halls, with the flurry of other students...... eveyrone going to where they needed to go and all..... but I'd..... I wouldn't go blank. I wouldn't close my eyes, but I remember a feeling. It was like I stopped "thinking" and just moved through the crowd. It's hard for me to remember, and to put into words what I felt, but I'm really tryin to be as honest and certain as possible without elaborating anything.

I don't remember if... if I could feel, like, sense other people's movements, or if it was just like a senseing of the group's motion and that groups mentality or something. All I can say is I remember a certain "green-ness", or green tint. Or my memories are tinted or something. Or perhaps I just had a light green tint when it happened. (It was a light green, not dark).


I remember the stairway, but no, it was a ramp, with stairs on the side, the one smaller side, but the ramp for the children with wheelchairs, etc. It was a ramp. Coming down it from the top, the windows were on the left, and on the right side, below, down from the railings and such, that was the other path, the ground level path, or hallway. The ramp would mee the ground level hallway in a medium-small sized lobby, and I am even remembering, slightly, the floor tiels, black and white traiangles with splats of gold in them. The ramp and ground level hallway would meet at the lobby, and also at the lobby would meet the far side path, which was open like the lobby, and lead all the way to the other windows, and the the....... the offices and stuff were there. It was the hall of fame or something, an dhonoraryhall (a small, semi-official one, that was more for "kiddie awards" and such, rather than official school or scholastic awards). ANd there as one other path between the ramp and the far wall path, the patht that lead to the stairs that shot off the side of the ramp.

That was a big area, where those stairs finally accumulated at the end. That's right....... they werne't regular stairs. They were for a bit, close to the ramp, but, the closer you got to the floor level, the stairs spread out in the lobby and sort of formed a row of bleachers. I remember some of the small presentations, sitting on those stairs, watching things in part of the lobbby. I think the library was on one side of that lobby, too..........


Heh.......

Memories are funny,aren't they..........



But let me try to recapruter those things one more time.......


eh

tobe continued

 

[For Honor]

^ I forgot about that........ I have to finish it........

It's been a while since I have encountered this feeling - the one that perhaps would make you alter the truth so it is "easier" on you to get through. Besides, it's only a signature image, and no one would really know what I was thinking, anyways. In all reality, it isn't that big of a deal. But this is just one of those things that I notice, or that I recognize. I... sometimes forget how honesty and courage are intertwined.

(^don't mind that, I was just thinking out loud)


Anyway
About my signature image... First thing, believe it or not, it is of a man, and not a woman. The hair is misleading, and the eyelashes in this shot are unneccesarily long, one could say. (which reminds me of my eariler years. For some reason, people liked pointing out that I had long eyelashes ). Secondly, the person is not dead, lol. (I know you didn't exactly say they were dead, Lady Luck, but I just wanted to clarify). The "frozen tear" - it's not really a tear, but it is actually a sort of reflection. In the original image, there is light of a sort coming from the left, and it happens to catch and illuminate the underside of his eyebrow and that area that you see with the icy blue color.

(looking back, the way the image is cropped, it does look as though it is a woman, so I don't blame you for assumtions)

Now, I suppose (for me), the real essence of this signature comes from what those words in the corner mean in correlation to the image. As I have already, um, spelled out, so to say... the phrase is "Transcend, and connect. Only by exceeding, and drawing closer, can we reach the higher levels". This originates from some of the things I've been thinking about lately, to put it lightly. For instance, think about those words in regards to love, or humankind in general.

Moving on... as I said, the correlation between those words and the image. I'll try to be brief. One could say that the character portrayed goes through a sort of transcendence, but that isn't exactly the reason I selected it. Actually, my creation of this signature, with that image, is slightly post modern, because I am taking an image that is already in existance, an image ... an image that already has its own unique meaning, yet I am taking that image and now placing my own meaning on it. And this meaning is something I've personally generated, so it is an interesting/odd sort of connection between the two, so to say. At its essence, the image represents the "base" of something, the very begining, the initial setting, the default. It appears at the beginning, it represents the beginning. And personally speaking, it represents "my beginning". In some ways that image (in my mind) represents my more essential nature, but on a greater scale (and more relating to the words in the corner), it represents all "essential nature" - as in, everyone's "beginning". One could also say it is about maturity, in one way. How we all are immatureand inexperienced at some point.

I think, generally, people need to "overcome themselves" in order to make real progress in life, as opposed to just being a function of your personality, and a product of your environment. (but then this sort of leads into a whole discussion about people, and what role they should play in the world, etc etc etc).

Anyways, (desparately) trying to stay on topic here, the image represents the beginning. Maybe to me it is a subconscious reminder of "who I am", because even though the signature talks about transcendence and such, you can't forget who you are, and more so, who you were. It's not about "forgeting", it's about building. I think that is an important thing (for me) to remember.


=========

Of course, one could, and probably has, looked at that image as a whole, and sees a woman looking sad or something. Are they wrong? Not neccesarily.

But that's how art, and life, goes. And I accept this. It's all open to interpretation.....

 

[wizard2c]

reply

"About my signature image... First thing, believe it or not, it is of a man, and not a woman. "

For Honor, I immediately knew it was a man.....{just a wizard observation}.
Yesterday was a trying day, this morning I was on edge so I went over to the Walmart. Yes, inflation has set in....prices on many small items I buy went up at least 10 cents to 25 cents each.....it adds up in the long run at checkout time.

I did examine the clearance aisle where I got a tremendous buy on some Lord of the Rings characters and their Risk game. Furbys were also discounted so I got one {this one I will let out of the box}....it's just that they are so much bigger than their predecessors {spell check word} and take up more room.....

Books...why do I go buy the book aisle.....another Fellowship of the Ring paperbook...can't resist myself.......a chance reading at the store took me to page 285: 'Yes, long and weary,' said Gandalf, 'but not without profit. {and it goes on as I don't want to print it all here so I'll skip to the bottom of the page:

'One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One
Ring to bring them all and in the Darkness bind them,'

This will be my write-in book...I make notes in the margins...

carol
wizard2c



My friend is about the same....she won't answer her phone in the hospital so I haven't spoken with her.......I try to not think about it too much.....

I need to concentrate my efforts more on learning and listening and doing.

 

[For Honor]

I need to concentrate my efforts more on learning and listening and doing.

We all do..........

 

[For Honor]

Hmm..... I am not a personality type.

I am...... one of the most independant personality types. But when it comes to personal relationships, I look for a tremendous level of commitment, I might even demand it. So... still a am a contradiction, a paradox.

I'm a thinker, a rationalist who seeks to understand how emotions work. I don't shut them off, I just have a levelheadedness, but still, I've found myself to be tremendously amourous and loyal and loving, more so that I thought possible. It still shocks me, I guess I haven't quite gotten it, or gotten over it yet - that I can love in such a way.

But how can I be so "cold" and critical, calculating and rational when it comest to everything else?

Am I a double standard?
Or just ... is this just some sort of compexity?

I'm sure other people are this way, or have a similar contradiction in their lives. It's like I'm tryingto understand myself, yet... I'm not upset by my being - I like the way I am. I like that I am rational and objective in regards to things, yet I think that loving intensely and striving for a commited, "idealistic" kind of love, a lasting love, I think that is pefectly reasonable, and possible.

Maybe , heh......

heh heh heh.......

I just need to stop comparing myself to other people in some regards. I suppose, though, I am doing this because I'm trying to find out if I'm the only one who is this way, or feels this way, or....... or something

 

[wizard2c]

reply

For Honor...you know what it is...the difference? It's the eyelids themselves that led me to believe your sig was a man......

It's like the Furbys...they have no gender so their eyelids are all the same, but somehow the eyelids of men and women appear different {maybe again a wizard observation}.

Cedar.....I like the smell of it.....don't know why but I do. Don't know what this has to do with it all but somehow it does......{just a world-wide thing I suppose}.

I need to tend to some matters, but I'll write more later...so much backlog....paperwork, etc. I see they have a new Blonde James Bond.....I just can't imagine him existing in the real world........I mean suit and tie, polished shoes, hunting for the bad guys {wouldn't he stick out like a sore thumb?}....out in the desert world.......{hello....my name is Bond......James Bond}....and it seems
England is recruiting for spies off the James Bond fan site.....???? Does that mean there is still a chance for you and me, for Honor< to start our own rock band like U2???

And you call Lord of the Rings a fantasy......

I must stop typing....I must stop typing...I must stop trying.....
okay I'm over it now.....

carol
wizard2c

 

[wizard2c]

reply

For Honor....the sig........excessive mascara...I know that's the way they try to sell it ...bigger, bolder, longer lashes......but......

Things to do today....concentrate on whiter teeth......must attain the highest quality....but where does one stop.....when does one say...I've attained it?

Just think of all the money we could save if we didn't have to buy teeth whiteners and mascara............

Enough said....gotta search for some key words. BTW, my friend is in ICU now....so I can't get to talk to her.....must concentrate on other things as her thoughts keep drifting by.

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

interesting................

 

[For Honor]

I am openly not a super-religious person, but it seems everytime I go to church, I find more and more reason to go again. first and foremost, my stepmother really enjoys it when I go with her. To her, she always wanted a family to go to church with on sundays, etc, and kind of have a plesant old-fashioned family life. Unfortunately, she doens't have anything much resembling that.

So obviously, I don't mind going because it's something she appreciates. But... I find it so interesting to go, even as an observer. Just to see the people interacting, even. The people talking to each other, before, after, and sometimes during mass. THe comminuty spirit - things like that I always appreciate,regardless. But even in religious contexts, observing and understanding what is being said and why and how... it is quite something.

And, to be honest, there apparently are a few younger people coming these days. And to be even more honest, a few of those girls are quite attractive

seroiusly, though, I think it isa good ideafor me to keep going. My stepmother had, shyly and politely, asked me if I'd go with her until I move away for college. Seeing how that's only a few more months, I definitely think I should................

My stepmother....... I never realized how kindhearted a person she is until this last year. It's sort of amazing... Things like..... how, even this morning, when I wasn't quite awake in bed, she came in and made sure I didn't want tosleep in and not go to church - EVEN when she had already asked me to go before, and I said that I would. It's things like that which fascinate me sometimes - because it really shows that someone care about you. When someone would sacrifice what they wanted most, just because they don't want to discomfort you, etc... that is a l ot.

****thoughts****

Iguess...... I understand something better now.........
Maybe..... 6 years ago, one sunday morning, there was an incident that I remember to this day. But now I understand it, at least much more so. See, up to that point, as a family (my father, my stepmother, and myself), would all go to church Sundays, 10:30 mass, at our local "Our Lady of Mercy" church.

Now, 6 yearsago, I was ... wow, I was 12 six years ago.......
So, yes, I was definitely a kid. But... I did something without realizing it. My father and I were talking about church... let me try to remember...... But I know my response was "but we're going to church anyways!". I don't know what the context was, though...... hmmm........

I do know, though, especially having done a small amount of personality research, that it was an early development of some traits I have today - they type of logic I use, how I say what I say, how my words can be pointed at times, etc. "we're going to church anyways!".... Well, it currently escapes me. But I do know these things, for sure: My words, though I sincerely had no intention of this, struck a nerve of some sort with my stepmother. Her reaction was one of "anger", saying "well you don't have to go if you don't want to!" or maybe "well no one is forcing you to go!". The point is... something I said upset her, but I realize now that it was more..........

she was upset that she couldn't have something that she wanted so much. It wasn't that she was mad at me or anything like that. I mean, I reassured her, when the time was right, that my statement was not made because I didn't want to go to church anymore. (In all honesty, I think it was one of my first criticisms against... well... no........ when I was a kid, I had issues with "obligations". I refered to things as 'family obligations'... Iwas incredibly anti-social in my youngest days. And serious. So it was just me going through a typical rebellion, but it was against people being nice. Oh yeah, it was because people asked me if I wanted to do something, yet it had to be done anyways- for instance: "Could you grab me that?", "Could you help me with this?" - questions like that. They irratated me a lot when I was young, because it wasn't really a question, in my young eyes. Believe it or not, I was irratated because...... because it was like someone was doubting me. I realize this now. But... it was....... yes, like I felt that when someone asked me things like that, it was as if they thought I wouldn't or something. Very strange, yes. But that's part of being young, I guess.

I will say what cured me of this: Despite my antisocial nautre, I always observed people. Still, one day, something clicked. It was an odd day, maybeI was moody, and I was actually scolding someone for being nice to me. That's right - they were being too nice and supportive, not just that, but so typical in their answer. They said the same BS things that everyone else said to me.

But then, someone just had a gut reaction and said - "Well... what else should I say? Would you rather I was the opposite, and told you to blow off, or that I don't care?" (or somethinglike that). From that moment on, though, I began to see things a little differently. I was, and still am, sometimes, irratated by people's cliche actions, especially false kindness, or saying someone cares when they don't, etc. But since that day, since I put myself in the shoes of the other person, I realized that sometimes people really do want to be nice to you, but they just don't know what to say.

(or somtimes, like in my case, you just don't give them much of an oppertunity/aren't very approachable in that regard)

I guess I still don't accept... kindness very well (which comes from my "thing" about sincerity.) HOwever, when I do see real kindness, and real care, and real love expressed, I respect it tremendously.




So, I guess, to conclude this (long) post...
I think going to church is a good thing for me - well, I've decided it is a good thing for me. my stepmother, and how I understand her, and her kindness. me... in regards to the past shaping the present and future.


Looking back at the beginning, it is interesting to see the flow of things........... and i'd actually write more, but I'm very tired...... and it's not yet 9pm, which is a rarity...........

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Sorry....I should keep my comments to myself. Your sig is great.

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

This site is all about opinions. You can say whatever you'd like

 

[For Honor]

and besides... I respect your opinion. You've seen a lot of the things I've said and written, so your thoughts mean more than the average "Joe-Interferencer"

 

[For Honor]

circumstances beyond my control have ..... compelled me, heh......

to retire this sig........

I'm developing the new idea as we speak.


See what happens whenever I do a nice sig about love, and transcendence, and coming together?

It creates controversy.

But if I had a big "FUCK YOU" for a sig, no one would probably give a damn

people are so strange........

But then again, I have to remember... I'm different than most......

...are the most self-confident of all types, having "self-power" awareness. Found in about 1 percent of the general population...

 

[For Honor]

I think it's time for me to start acting more......... In character......


I suppose this thread should be closed soon. But I really want to keep it around, and don't want it destroyed or lost. There are a lot of things here in this thread..........

things that I should remember, perhaps...

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Don't feel alone. I have searched the internet for years trying to find forums where I could fit in....just to chat and express my views......you know what I found out........no one ever reads what you write anyway. Others seem to fit in with one another. Then others on the internet seem so phoney.....deceptors of who they really are {to me they are cowards}.

Perhaps I am as well a self-made person...not following the mainstream of society but I do know the power within myself which I possess.....and above all else...that is what is important.....believing in yourself.......because no one else will, except for a CHOSEN few.....and I will find that fellowship and the purpose.

Love....I don't seek it out.....I am not even looking for it. I will be losing a very good friend soon and it leaves my heart empty just thinking about it.

Perhaps it's that timeline which separates me.

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

I worry sometimes, about falling into the trap of seeking love.

I think that's why it's good for me to take a break from it, form talking about it so much for a while. It can be far too consuming for me, especially at this point in my life when I need to be focusing on other things.

I h ave to go back to the beginning again

Even though I know I will return here again, I have to go back.
Even before I started writing in this thread, I have to find a way all the way back. So that........ when I am "here" again, ............. I'll know what I need to know.

 

[For Honor]

I think.......

I think it's time I do something. I will, metaphorically and non, be going on a jounrey.

I have to go back, back to ... before......
........before I encountered some thing, or some one. I have to essentially let go of something to see if it's real. Kind of like how Bono says (ala lady luck in "on love") "you can run from love, and if it's really love it will find you...
and catch you by the heel"


I have to do that, yet... it is with myself. Or... a part of myself, perhaps.



So I guess this is my "formal" goodbye
I'm going to start a new thread, and I might even have a different personality online for a while, too. I know it's changing a little in real life. But I think this is something I have to do.

I guess I want to take a moment and thank everyone that has posted in this thread. It has meant a lot to me to know that people want to say something about these words here. And also, I want to thank all the people that may have looked through these pages or anything like that. Seeing how my thread has lasted as long as it did, it's kind of nice........ And lastly to interference.com itself, and the mods and such that have upkept it during my stay.


I think it's time for me to go on a bit of a journey, though. Yet I'm not really going anywhere "new", so to say...

 

[For Honor]

PS: I won't write as much in this thread, at least not for a long time. Unless a rare happening or similar comes up and I feel it should be here, in this first thread, then I will not update it frequently.

 

[wizard2c]

How is your journal coming along......I didn't read today's entry. I wrote one of my best works this evening.....but I'm not going to post it. Most people don't understand what I write anyway....but that's okay.

I've started a journal as well...and it is a very important one.....it is about a fellowship and a journey and a golden ring..........but it is real......and it will come to be.........because....it has to.

carol
wizard2c


PS: I'm using this post because I don't want to interfere with your new journal.

 

[For Honor]

Hmm, do you mean my actual "interference" jounral, (like, the one witht the link at the bottom of my avatar section

( http://forum.interference.com/journal.php?s=&journalid=37728&action=view )

), or my other thread, "FH's Thread II" ?


Either way, it's okay.


My journey is coming along well. Actually, it has gone better than I thought. Ihad a really good converstion today with one of the few (4) friends from school that I keep in touch with now that we've all gone our separate ways.

It was a very good conversation, and it helped me........

Helped me a lot. Helped shape my view of what I need to strive for.



I said something like "Sometimes... "who do I want to be?" can be infinitely more important than "who am I?". "


That is something to remember...........

 

[wizard2c]

reply

For Honor, I'm probably not going to post here any longer.....somehow I just don't like the agenda.......I like U2 but it's best I keep my mouth shut.....there is no friendship here................

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

what?

you mean here, as in online? On this sites?

Don't go yet... What's wrong; what do you mean?

 

[wizard2c]

Mind control......it's the state of mind they are trying to create again...... FEAR of the storm........then you wonder who really is behind it all?

But as our HERO....SpongeBob SquarePants says......"WE'RE READY!"

{ugh..................excuse me...I'm going back to my dragon-hunting}

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

The best thing I heard today is about a god and emotional control.


Cain and Abel


Cain displeased god by giving him leftovers instead of initials
God was dissapointed in Cain
Cain was mad
His countenance fell
His attitude droped, which also affect his physical appearance, apparently......

ANd they go on to say how emotions dictate decisions, and decisions dictate your life. I agree with this, more so than I agree with most things I hear in talk of religion. Perhaps because it is a rather secular thing./

But god said Cain could control his emotions.
I agree...

 

[wizard2c]

reply

Like your new avatar, For Honor......does it represent a knight?

carol
wizard2c

 

[wizard2c]

reply

I found out today.........it was about 4 in the morning.........I am all alone in this Middle Earth world...........but I sense the future.

And then I look back over my shoulder and there it is (what I sensed)....all written down....I guess because I write in Tolkien language.....and then I say as the Beatles "Let It Be".

Why do they keep playing "Try and Catch The Wind" repetitively on cable news..........another mind game?

Anyhow.......my Sword shall be arriving soon by courier.......it is very special.....as Gandalf's......it is magical. And, if I am correct, it will be accompanied by an item of great power.

carol
wizard2c

 

[For Honor]

A sword? Hmm...... I like swords.....

=====

My avatar.... it does represent a knight; it is the logo for my college's mascot. the Geneseo Knights.

Their colors are Royal Blue and white, but I grayscaled the image.


So, I am a knight after all, heh....
I always had a...... an intuition about going to this college. But it was just the way I saw the name. I guess it's kinda like what you talk about when you see things in words and stuff. Though I'm sure I don't quite do it the way you do.

"Geneseo" just sort of reached out to me, I saw something.

Only until after I decided to go there did I really realize that their mascot were Knights. Cool, I think