Diaries Part 6.

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Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
Nov 19, 2003
Counting the hairs on Bono's chest.
:wave: Ok, second attempt. :angry: Lets see what happens this time....

© All works by YDW.

Last bit from last bit>>>

I hate all my school books too. There’s too many of them and they weigh a ton; a ton I now had to carry all the way home. I scowled and cursed them; questioned the need for them because I knew I’d never learn anything anyway. One by one I picked them up and stuffed them into the hated school bag and then braced myself for the long walk home. It’d take me ages to get back and The Shit Head would have an excuse to have a go at me. I let out a loud frustrated sigh and swore again and that’s when I heard someone in the distance call out. “Wait up”. A man said. “Wait up”. And I recognised the voice immediately.

Part 6.

At the sound of his voice my stomach did the biggest flip. Even before I’d located him my insides reacted. Course, once my eyeballs had settled upon him that was it; lust, lust and more heated me up like a furnace. As I took him in I saw that he ticked every box. All of it, all of him; the whole package was complete perfection; that dark hair of his; how it fanned out behind him as he walked, shoulders so broad and strong, a chest made for pressing up against and thighs. Oh, don’t get me started on those thighs. If I’d stared at those hips and thighs a thousand times, it wouldn’t have been enough. He was so gorgeous I wanted to offer up a small prayer.

He called again; said those two words that will forever stay with me. “Wait up”. He’d said; wait up. He waved as he approached and I realised that I was smiling. Smiling doesn’t come easy to me, especially when I’m in the village or at home but to see him coming towards me like that; to hear him call out to me; to me. And I realised then, in those few seconds when my eyes slid over him that he’d brought a bright light into my life and he didn’t even have to try.

Mind you, it was only when he was almost level with me that I remembered I was in my shitty school uniform. Instantly my smile drooped. Resignation weighed heavy. He would see me in my stupid ‘young girl’ clothing, wouldn’t he. The closer he got the more deeply I sighed. So far he’d seen me wearing smudged make-up. He’d seen me with no make up. And, he’d seen me in my crappy school uniform. What chance did I have? But I didn’t get any time to mull it over further because he was speaking and oh but that voice was so musical. I can’t quite tell you where his accent is from, only that it’s softly spoken, sexy and seductive and makes me want.

“And I thought it was you”. His voice slid into my ears, a rich, deepness that was loaded with masculinity. I took it in entirely, fed on it, saved it to memory so that I could savour it later and my need for him knew a higher level. But then I remembered that I stood before him in all my schoolgirl glory; childlike; innocent, gullible. And why oh why didn’t I look sexy in my school uniform like Kim and Veronica did? How did they manage to look sexy and older whilst still at school yet I looked like I’d just turned ten?
And my ten turned fifteen year old brain wanted to lunge at him. I wanted to throw my school bag to the ground and leap right on him. I didn’t care what my white knee socks would look like wrapped around his thighs. I didn’t care if the neighbours saw my hideous pleated skirt rucked up around my waist or saw me sucking his face clean off. I wanted to mate with him; pure and simple.

That was only in my head though. In reality, all I managed was a weak, embarrassed smile. He eyeballed me, momentarily narrowing one eye as he took in my face before recovering and giving me a bright smile. I knew that he’d seen my still bruised lip and so my hand flew up to hide it but within seconds his eyes were twinkling again and he held out a meaty paw. My gaze dropped to it. I was unsure of what he wanted so I looked back up to his face. He gave me a slightly confused look and spoke; “Would you not have me take that heavy bag from you?”

I looked down at the hated school bag which now hung like a dead body around my knees. My eyebrows knit together. “What?”

He sighed and reached for it anyway, taking it from me and throwing it over his shoulder like it weighed nothing. “I saw you get off the bus or rather fall off was it?” I was horrified. Embarrassment consumed me so I didn’t answer him. He asked me another question. “Did you hurt yourself?”

“No”. I lied. Kill me now.

He cast a glance at my grubby, grazed knees. “Och but you’ve cut yourself”.

I followed his gaze; saw my filthy, knobbly knees where I’d fallen on them and knew the need to crawl away and die. How could I possibly appear sexy in a crappy second hand school uniform and how could he possibly be interested in me with my naked, grubby knobbly knees? I’d just as well have worn a Big Bird outfit for all the sexual attraction I was creating.

I had to divert his attention. “It’s ok”. I said airily and ignoring my own self revulsion. “I’ll clean up when I get home”.

Luckily he didn’t proceed to embarrass me further and seemed happy with my reply until his eyes returned to my face to re-settle on my mouth. The swellings had gone down but I was still bruised enough for it to show although it was a faded bluey, browny yellow by now.

And I squirmed as he examined me but I said nothing; braved his gaze on me. His eyebrows suddenly went up in his forehead and his words were quite jovial as though he wasn’t asking me what he was asking me. “Did you get that from falling from the bus too?” Of course, as he’d seen me fall from the bus he’d have known that I hadn’t hit my head or face. I turned away from him as my stomach filled with shame and embarrassment.

“I have to get home”. I said ignoring his question. “I’ve missed two stops. I’m going to be late now”.

“I’ll walk with you”. He stated like I had no choice. “…Carry this bag for you”.

“You don’t need to”.

“Aye, I know but I will… what? Don’t you want me to help you?”

Nobody did before so why would you now? “That, that’d be great thank you”.

We fell into step. I knew such shame at him catching me with my face the way it was and wearing my shitty school uniform but the excitement at walking alongside him, feeling his presence, soaking up his scent was wonderful. I had to be with him no matter what the cost. His voice seduced my ears again. “You must be really brainy to be looking after all these books”. I felt his eyes on me but didn’t return his stare.

“No, I’m not brainy” I told the road ahead. “…Not brainy at all. In fact, I think they’ve given me those books just to show me how much I need to learn”.

“Being brainy is good but you don’t always need exam passes to learn about life”. I looked at him then, saw he was grinning. “Me,” He continued. “I just wanted to be free”.


“Aye; wanted to be outside, travel the road; see where it took me. Classrooms weren’t for me. Not that I’m dense or anything. In fact, I was told I had promise”. He chuckled then; a girly giggle that began low in his throat. “But the only promise I had was the one I made to myself to live the life I wanted and not what was expected of me”. I understood exactly what he was saying. The only difference between us was that he’d had the nerve to do it. “I’m glad that I saw you”. He was saying.

My heart did a little dance. He was glad that he saw me. I sighed inwardly; covered up the fact that he ignited a ferocious flame inside me. “Oh?” I replied indifferently.

“Well,” He began. “I wanted to tell you that we’re packing up at the weekend”. Excuse me? And there they were; the words that I’d been dreading ever since I laid eyes on him.

“Already?” I tried not to sound too disappointed.

“Aye. We’ve been here longer than we intended. We never stay put too long in any one place. It gets kinda boring”.

I turned my gaze away from him. “I know that feeling”. I pulled in a long sigh, took in the road ahead; missing him already. “You’re very lucky”.

“Oh and why would that be?”

“You can leave it all behind. Not like me”.

He stopped walking so I did too. I turned to look at him and for a second he examined me. I didn’t like it so I looked away but then he went and touched my arm; the lightest touch, the deepest touch. My eyes returned to his face and he began to talk again, his eyes twinkling. “I got something for you”. He said and fished inside his jacket pocket. I waited with curiosity as his hand re-appeared and presented me with a tiny teddy bear; so small it fit into his palm. I swallowed hard at the sight of it; disbelieving that he’d got it for me. “I won it at the fair last night”. He offered. “Jimmy creased up when they handed it to me; said, an’ wot are you gonna do with a feckin’ teddy bear? But I said to him, I said; I know just the person to give this to, so here you are, Little Susan. It’s not much but…”

I took it from him and looked at it. It appeared so much bigger in my small hands and as I examined it I felt my eyes beginning to heating up. So much negativity over the past few days and here was someone not only thinking kindly of me but doing something thoughtful. It was too much. I said nothing. Couldn’t say anything.

“Aren’t you going to say something then?”

I tried to force down the lump in my throat. I knew I had to answer him but no words would come out unless I shed tears at the same time and I didn’t want to do that.

“Susan?” He touched my arm. I looked up at him. He saw that my eyes were glittering with unshed tears. He was surprised. “Susan?” And he gave a tiny, humourless laugh. “Please don’t cry; it’s only a feckin’ bear”.

I turned away from him as he waited patiently for me to reply. When I could trust myself to speak without weeping I answered him. “You’re right”. I said. “I’m sorry”.

He shook his head as he watched me and I felt embarrassed; ashamed that I let him see my emotions. His hand was still on my arm but I wouldn’t look at him, instead choosing to look at nothing at the side of his dark head. I knew that he was examining me; that he was staring hard at the bruise on my lip. In the end I couldn’t stand it so I pulled my arm from his grasp and his hand immediately dropped to his side. He shook his head; pulled in a breath. “You’re a funny little thing, Susan”. He said softly. “And you know what, I’m glad you managed to hold back those tears”. I looked sideways at him; saw that he was half smiling and shaking his head. His voice held a humour and although he thought what he said next was serious I didn’t believe him for a moment. “…Because,” He said. “I’m no good with weeping women”.

And I thought about that you know; him saying he was no good with weeping women. All that week I thought about it. No good with weeping women. That night when I went to bed all I could think about was what he’d be like with weeping women. And my insides turned to squelch. No good with weeping women? Who was he kidding?

Friday 20th.

Ok, tonight I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. Oh yes. I can smile when I want. I can sing to myself. In fact, if I so choose, I can even dance. I can dance completely naked should I choose. Now, you might be wondering why I’m so happy. Well, let me tell you. It’s because The Shit Head has gone away. Yup; up and left leaving mother and I free of him. We can do what we want; eat what we want, when we want. We can watch what we want on TV and, I can even go to bed when I want, although mother will still probably send me up to my room at 9:00. Still, I can read or something. She won’t mind that. There’ll be no ‘lights out’ at 9:15 for me for a while.

Course, you’re wondering where he’s gone aren’t you? Maybe I’ve killed him. That would be nice wouldn’t it, but I haven’t. Ok, well, I’ll tell you. See, tonight The Shit Head receives a phone call from some relative up country. They’ve told him that Aunt Maud is in the process of croaking. I think she’s over 90 anyways so I guess she’s done quite well. Anyhow, turns out that if he; that The Shit Head, wants to see Aunt Maud before she meets her maker, he’d have to go up there straight away as she wasn’t expected to last much longer.

The phone call came when we were having our evening meal. The Shit Head came back from answering it and sat down whilst mother and I kept our eyes averted and got on with the task of trying to ignore him whilst appearing not to be. Once settled on his throne, The Shit Head announces that he has to pack a bag and be on the 10:00pm train. This news, although somewhat surprising led to a huge upsurge of excitement for me although I didn’t show it. I just sat there nibbling at my food and listening to the grown ups discuss what was going on. And whilst I sat there listening I got to feeling sorry for Aunt Maud. After all, if The Shit Head were to show his ugly gob up there, chances were that’d finish her off for sure. And I was forming a fantasy in my mind of the old girl clutching at her chest whilst The Shit Head looked on when I heard mother say; “Well, you must go then, dear”, and my heart leapt with joy. Oh yes. You must go. And here, lemme get your coat. Don’t bother taking a key because we don’t want you coming back. Bye.

So yeah, he’s gone now. And tomorrow, it being Saturday I’m off down that newsagents as normal, even though I’ve no newspaper to collect. I must make the most of my freedom whilst The Shit Head is away and I must see Rowan before he ups and leaves.

Saturday 21st.

So I got up at the usual time this morning. Of course, mother wanted to know why I was up when I didn’t have to be. “You could have had a lie in”. She’d said but I’d just shrugged and pretended to be uninterested in any lying in.

“Shall I go down the shop?” I asked a little while later.

“There’s no need with your father not being here”. She’d replied.

“I could still get a paper for you”.

She’d looked at me then and I noticed her eyebrows rise slightly before she’d smiled and nodded. “It’d be nice to get to read a newspaper before anyone else for a change”. So I’d got my way and cleared off before she’d had a chance to change her mind.


And there he was; sitting on the little wall; my little wall. He looked so fine resting there with his blue clad denim legs crossed at the ankles, brown boots disappearing inside them and above, above those blue jeans, a black shirt open at the neck and what a fine, strong neck he had. And his hair; his hair was tied back in a ponytail just like it was the first time I laid eyes on him.

And even though I’d hoped he’d be there I was still surprised that he was and my heart leapt in my chest. When he saw me he jumped up and waved. I waved back. “I’ve been waiting for you”. He said as I drew level with him. And then his hands were on me. They were on my arms and he was pulling me in for a quick hug before gesturing for me to sit on the wall. “Here”, he said patting a place and sitting down next to it. “Won’t you sit with me, Little Susan?” Course, I was sitting next to him before he’d finished his sentence. “You’re looking very pretty today”.

I frowned. How could he say that when I wore no make up? I didn’t dare put any on otherwise mother would have grown suspicious. Anyhow, there he was examining me with those beautiful blue orbs; eyes so blue they made me think of summer and I didn’t much like it. He was also grinning like a Cheshire Cat. “I bought you some more chocolate”. He said as though pleased with himself and he began to rummage around in his coat pocket. “At least I thought I did. Oh, here it is. It’s a bit squashed, sorry”.

Feeling somewhat embarrassed at his kindness, I took it off him, willing my hand not to tremble. As my fingers closed around the bar, his fingers closed around mine and I gasped. I hadn’t meant to. It just kind of came out. When I raised my gaze to his, he was still grinning; that gorgeous, roguish smile of his making my heart leap in my chest. As a result of those knowing eyes, I pulled my hand out of his a little too quickly. His touch had been electric but something inside me had told me not to show it. I looked away embarrassed; angry at myself being so reserved; for acting so childlike.
“Susan?” His soft burr slid into my ear but I wouldn’t look at him. Instead, I concentrated on a house across the road. He repeated himself. “Susan?”
After a few moments I turned; looked properly at him, allowed his blue gaze to rake over me. For the first time since I’d met him, I returned his steady look with one of my own. He spoke again. “I’m glad you came. I was afraid that I’d miss you”.

I hauled my eyes from him and returned to examining the house across the road. “He’s gone away”. I stated like he’d know what I was talking about.

“Gone away; who’s gone away?”

“The Shit Head”.

“The Shit Head?”

“My father”.

Rowan chuckled; that girly laugh I love so much. “You call him The Shit Head, do you?”



“Because he is”.

“I like that”. And he chuckled again. I felt him pull his eyes from me to follow my gaze and rest alongside mine on the house opposite. “Don’t much like him then?”

“I hate him”. It was the truth. Beside me, Rowan became quiet. I sensed in him that he wanted to say something, to speak and yet was reluctant to do so. A silence lengthened between us so I spoke again. “Why were you waiting for me?”

“I needed to see you”. He was still looking at that house. I hauled in a steadying breath. I didn’t much like the way the conversation was going. When I said nothing, he continued. “I needed to see you to tell you that we’re leaving tomorrow”.


We’re leaving tomorrow; three words; three little words. We’re leaving tomorrow. Oh, I’d known those words would come; expected them and yet to hear him speak them brought sickness to my stomach. How could I live without him now that I’d met him? I’d accepted my life before; known that it would always be crap but then he’d turned up and blown a hole right through those thoughts; opened me up to question my existence. Why should I accept that I’d always be alone? Why couldn’t there be anyone out there for me? Why was I so sure that The Shit Head was right; that no one would ever care for me; that no man in his right mind would ever look at me; ever want me? I wasn’t ugly; useless. Surely I wasn’t?

“Susan?” I turned to look at him; to stare at him as though I didn’t know him. He asked me a question. “What are you thinking?”

I didn’t answer him straight away, just stared at him; stared into those gorgeous blue eyes; so blue they made me think of summer. I’m thinking what are you doing here? Why are you showing me an interest? And how can I ever go back to who I was now that I’ve known you? Instead; “I have to get back”.

“But you only just got here”.

I felt my eyes begin to sting with tears so I said nothing. Beside me, Rowan was watching me intently. It made me uncomfortable and as I was already emotional due to the fact that I was loosing him, I jumped up off the wall. I didn’t want to show myself up yet again. “I need to get home”.

Rowan was up on his feet immediately and reaching out to take my hand. “Susan! Susan! Wait up”.

“I’m sorry”. I said without looking at him. “I need to go”.

“Let’s go for a walk; just a short walk and then you can go home”.

I glanced down at our hands. He was still holding mine and you know, it looked so tiny wrapped inside his; like a little girl’s and not a blossoming young woman’s. I made to pull out of his grasp but he held me fast. When I looked up at him I saw that where The Shit Head’s eyes were cold and hard, his were kind, sincere and again my brain asked him why he was bothering with me. He was speaking so I said nothing. “Would you not give me five minutes, Little Susan?”

I considered his request; all the while my heart ached and broke at the sight of him. In my eyes he was so very handsome, so utterly perfect and if I hadn’t been bound by my father’s chains I would have done anything for him. He spoke again; repeated himself. “Shall we go then; for a walk?”

“I don’t know. I…should get…”

“It won’t take long and I promise I won’t ravish you along the way”. His eyes at once held a twinkle. His words lifted the atmosphere between us and I couldn’t prevent a tiny smile from twitching in my face. “Although,” He was saying, feeding on my reaction. “I will if you’d like me to”. When I stared at him, when I tried to read his eyes, I had no idea that he was reading mine and that what he read there was correct. He grinned yet further. “Or maybe you’d like to ravish me?”

I stared right back at him; denied my feelings for him. “In your dreams, mister”.

“Aye; and you are in my dreams Mistress Susan”.

I snorted at his words; wanted to believe him, didn’t, but wished that I did.
“Do you not believe me?” His words were teasing but as I was used to sarcasm, I didn’t understand the difference. I snorted. He grinned. “Come on”, He said. “Take my hand. I feel like half the world and his nosy wife are looking at us through their neat and tidy net curtains”.

I nodded and glanced round, knowing that he’d be right. Nothing ever went on in the village without everyone knowing about it.


They’re weather-worn you know, Rowan’s hands; skin slightly roughened. I could tell by the feel of them that his hands have known hard graft at some point. They haven’t remained soft whilst everyone else does all the work; unlike the owner of my father’s hands, who sits on his fat arse and gives out his orders. And it seemed that I wasn’t the only one examining our entwined fingers because Rowan’s voice made me look up at him and at once I saw that he was grinning. “You have such tiny hands Little Susan”.

Immediately I pulled away from him and snorted. “Bugger off”. But the tone of my words did nothing to discourage him for he was instantly grabbing my hand again; the smile in his voice making him chuckle.

“Now don’t be going all crabby on me Miss Susan. I was only stating a fact; look”. And he held my hand up to his own; pressed them together, palm to palm. His fingers were much longer than mine and the hand itself was chunky and square, whereas mine was narrow and childlike. Mind you, I still scowled though I grudgingly accepted that he wasn’t having a go or insulting me. And it was whilst I was scowling and grudgingly accepting that he wasn’t having a go at me, that he raised both our hands to his face, turned mine towards his jaw and gently pressed his lips to the back of it. My breath caught in my throat in reaction to his lips and I couldn’t prevent the look of shock from registering in my face. I was imploding with excitement though I did my best not to show it. And he knew the effect he was having on me. “Susan”. He said with twinkling eyes. “Walk with your man”.


Walk with your man. Walk with your man. Now, was that simply an expression he used; walk with your man or did he genuinely mean walk with your man? What had he just said? What did he mean? Was he my man… my man. The feel of those two words brought about such anticipation; such want. And I wanted that, you know; wanted him so much to be ‘my man’ but that was just schoolgirl fantasy wasn’t it. And here he was, certainly no schoolboy but a full grown man; gorgeous and experienced. But, as usual I was afraid and I hesitated. I’ve never been one to do something I’m unsure of. He questioned my silence, his voice bringing me out of myself. “Susan?”

“I don’t know. I… I should go home”.

“C’mon” He insisted. “You’ve spiked my interest and I’ve a mind to know a little more about you”.

“Well, in that case”, I said wryly, “I just as well go home right now because there’s nothing of interest about me”.

His eyebrows went up in his forehead and his mouth lengthened. “And why don’t you let me be the judge o’ that, Little Susan”.

“You’re wasting your time. I…” But I never had the chance to finish my sentence because he was leading me away, taking me with him, guiding me to a place I had no knowledge of.


My hand felt good all wrapped up inside his. This tiny gesture, this small intimacy felt so right. It was as though my hand was made to fit inside his; like all my life I’d been waiting to feel the gentle touch of one man whilst enduring the violence of another.

And so I allowed him to lead me away whilst his words went round inside my head. Walk with your man. You’ve spiked my interest and I’ve a mind to know a little more about you. And they scared me, you know, his words; they scared me, excited me, but scared me. I was also shocked at how easily I’d reacted to him. My mind, my body, he’d given me something completely new. He only had to look at me in a certain way or come within touching distance and my entire body seemed to heat up and glow with anticipation and that’s not something you learn about in human biology. No one told me that I’d die a little death at the very thought of him or that he only needed to lean in towards me and I’d feel a surge of molten desire. It was excitement and fear all mixed into one and as such was very potent. Course, I knew that he’d never feel anything quite like that for me. Here was an experienced, full grown man. He’d be used to little girls like me having a crush on him. Little girls like me. Why did it always come back to me being a little girl? Why did I feel so like a little girl when I was with him? Why did he make me feel a woman’s desire whilst at the same time feel so ridiculously childlike?

And it was the child in me who, quite unexpectedly, became afraid. I realised with some unease that we’d reached the end of the village; that we’d just walked passed the last house. Ahead of us lay a small plot of grass and beyond that, a densely wooded area. I felt a sudden apprehension. I stopped walking. Beside me Rowan stopped too and was looking down at me. “What?” He asked as I eyeballed the village behind us.

“I’m not going into the woods”. I blurted out.

“The woods?” He seemed confused and turned his head towards the trees. We were both examining them though for different reasons. I knew mine were reasons of panic, of fear whilst his, well, who knew what his reasons were. He turned to look at me proper. His eyes narrowed as he took me in. And then he spoke, a light seemingly going on in his eyes. “Oh, no, Little Susan”. He said. “I’ve no intention of taking you into the woods. I wouldn’t do that”.

I knew embarrassment. Why would he want to take me into the woods? Was I so stupid that I thought he may want to…

He was speaking. “I thought we might sit over there, on that low wall away from prying eyes and big ears”. And he pointed to a stone wall that had been there for so long, nobody actually remembered who’d built it. My eyes followed his finger. I felt ridiculous. He spoke again. “We could sit on the other side of it so no one would know or hear what we were talking about”.

“I still don’t know, I…”

He cocked his head to one side. “I wouldn’t be taking you into any woods or anywhere else that you’d not want to go to, Susan. That’s not that what I have in mind”.

He was looking down at me, kindness, understanding in his blue eyes and I knew such stupidity. The child in me had shown her face to him and I didn’t like it. In truth I hated her; wished her dead....


Ok, I've split it where I can. :angry: Not happy with it but never mind. Hope you like it.
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