UnforgettableLemon
Rock n' Roll Doggie ALL ACCESS
I really just hate myself right now. And the thing is there's really nothing wrong and I KNOW that. But knowing something and feeling something are a good bit different, if that makes any sense. Colleen and I have seen each other every day for the last week, and it's been great every time. But we went back to the house on campus where she's staying, and the other girls in the house were having a party. So we stayed in her room talking, only venturing into the party once. I started to dance, then wanted to just crawl up in a corner. I just don't do social situations. I was fine in her room, but after we went out around her friends, I froze up for the rest of hte night. Then I got scared that my behavior might be somehow insulting to her and got really apologetic. And I'm really annoying when I'm saying "I'm sorry" every five seconds. I just don't want to be boring or a burden, but the only way I can get involved in a party is to drink, and I had to drive back to my dorm, not to mention I'm an RA and if I was drunk on campus I would be royally fucked. But I didn't want to keep her from having a good time, and at the same time didn't want to leave because I love being around her so much. I've also got this intense fear of running out of things to say. It's not so much a fear of awkward silences, but that I don't have anything interesting to offer anyone when the small talk stops. I really just don't know. I've been moping around my room and crying all day, I talked to her very briefly on the phone, but she has a major paper to get working on, so the conversation didn't really go anywhere. The point is, I know how silly it all is, but it leaves me feeling so fucking defeated even though I know it's all in my mind. Sheesh. Sorry to bother you guys.