Why can't I talk to women?

[joerags]

I am 34 and never had a girlfriend. For the past four years, this has bothered me a lot. I have no self-esteem and no self-confidence. I really wish I can feel better about myself and be proud of who I am and what I look like. But I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. I am afraid that I will never get married and have a family. I am afraid of being alone. I wish I can have more self-confidence and have self-esteem. For the past few days, I keep telling myself how I hate myself and I have been extremely depressed. But I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel happy and positive. At times, I have felt happy. The weather has been great and I have watched and covered a lot of baseball games for my job, which gets me excited. Plus, I have been following the Yankees more intently because the games have more meaning since they are not doing so great. But still, it bothers me that I don't have a girlfriend. I was at the mall and I saw all these couples and instead of being jeolous, I was sad and depressed that I am still single. But what it comes down to is, I am afraid of talking to women. Which to me, makes no sense because I am an easy-going, friendly, nice guy who can make friendly conversation. I am afraid of rejection because I have no self-confidence and no self-esteem and if I get rejected, this will confirm that I am a loser, which I am scared to face.

So what do I do?

I know in the past I have ranted about giving up when it comes to women and finding a girlfriend. But that was just my frustration. I have nothing against women whatsoever. I was more so mad at myself.

Mods, I know I have talked about my situation so much. But right now, I feel like I am almost at the end of my rope with this.

 

[corianderstem]

I have no self-esteem and no self-confidence.

This says it all right there. I would think a lot of women pick up on this right off the bat and know you aren't someone they might want to have a relationship with. No women I know want to get involved with someone who doesn't even like themselves.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about things. Have you ever talked to someone professionally about all of this?

It's good you at least find moments of happiness in your hobbies and job. Little pieces of joy in your life are important; it's not always about the big stuff.

 

[Cin]

The woman of your dreams will turn up when the time is right, any earlier and it just won't stick.

 

[joerags]

Re: Re: Why can't I talk to women?

This says it all right there. I would think a lot of women pick up on this right off the bat and know you aren't someone they might want to have a relationship with. No women I know want to get involved with someone who doesn't even like themselves.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about things. Have you ever talked to someone professionally about all of this?

It's good you at least find moments of happiness in your hobbies and job. Little pieces of joy in your life are important; it's not always about the big stuff.

I know I should see a therapist. Because I know that I have to start believing in myself and liking myself. I know that's the most important thing, above all. But right now, I can't bring myself to that point.

 

[joerags]

The woman of your dreams will turn up when the time is right, any earlier and it just won't stick.

My family has told me that I am still young and just to be patient. But I can't help but think that I will be stuck alone for the rest of my life and that the older I get, the harder it will be to find a girlfiend.

 

[corianderstem]

Well, at least you've considered it. Maybe for the time being you might try learning to be happy by yourself. Life's too short to worry about what you don't have - focus on what you do.

I know it's not easy to shake the deep desire to want to be with someone, and it's easy for me to say as a single, independent woman ... who does want to share my life with someone, but I'm learning to be happy alone as well. Everyone's different.

Also, I know it's not easy for a lot of people to go to talk to a therapist or counselor. And no one can tell you "this is the right time." But when will be the right time? If you're anxious about not finding someone before you get "too old" (and hey, lots of women like older men!), why not now?

Does your employer have some sort of employee assistance program? Why not talk to someone just to try it out? If you completely hate it, you can always try someone else, or just not go again. You don't have to sign your life away or anything. But maybe give it a try.

 

[joerags]

That's the key. If I can be happy with myself, then the rest will take care of itself. I know that I have to accept who I am.

 

[corianderstem]

Good luck.

 

[joerags]

Also, I know it's not easy for a lot of people to go to talk to a therapist or counselor. And no one can tell you "this is the right time." But when will be the right time? If you're anxious about not finding someone before you get "too old" (and hey, lots of women like older men!), why not now?

Does your employer have some sort of employee assistance program? Why not talk to someone just to try it out? If you completely hate it, you can always try someone else, or just not go again. You don't have to sign your life away or anything. But maybe give it a try.

I know that it doesn't hurt to try therapy, and if this really gets worse, then yeah I know I have to go. I just don't want to get to the point of thinking of killing myself. I really hope it never comes to that. But I am afraid that it could as I get older.

 

[indra]

You can talk to guys about stuff -- baseball, music, etc. -- right? So try to not think of a woman as ACK!!! A WOMAN and think of her as just a person that you are going to talk to about whatever subject is at hand (if you are somewhere and everyone is watching baseball or talking about baseball then talk about baseball). Don't think of her as a potential girlfriend -- don't put that much pressure of either yourself or on her -- just think of it as a way to pass a minute or two of your time. If the conversation takes off -- great! Go with it. But if it fizzles out or you get shut down, don't beat yourself up over it. There are all sorts of reasons people do that -- it doesn't neccesarily mean you are a loser. Think about it -- she could have just had a fight with someone; gotten bad news about a family member or friend; been fired; gotten bad health news; etc. So let that person be and say hi to someone else.

It's not easy, especially if you don't have a lot of confidence (or practice), but you can do this. If you really can't face talking, try smiling and saying "hi" to the people (both genders -- it's less creepy that way) you pass on the sidewalk or in the halls at work.

 

[joerags]

Indra,

Thanks. I like to smile and if I smile at people, then they will know that I am a nice person. And I know that if I can just be myself around women and be friendly, that will make me feel better about myself and not feel pressured and not make her feel pressured about potentially being boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

[indra]

Indra,

Thanks. I like to smile and if I smile at people, then they will know that I am a nice person.

Yep. And most people are much more willing to talk to people the see as nice and friendly. So that will be a good start. And then you can work more on conversations. And if you can talk to women, you can develop friendships with some, and many women (who might not be available themselves) love to play matchmaker. Go for it!

You can do this.

 

[Dr. Lemonseed]

Well,
My suggestion is :

1. Take it as a personal experiment in growth, like exercise or going to the gym--but make it talking and meeting with women. In fact, I would suggest a 30 day committment to meet x number of women, during which you should NOT try to date any of them. It'll take the pressure off, and pay more attention to the quality of interaction than any future goals.

2. Ultimately, you're going to want someone who understands you. This will include the difficulty in meeting people. So something like a woman who also has low confidence. You'll be able to tell if its appropraite to talk about, and if it IS, it will be very refreshing...

3. Baseball? Sounds like a great place for a nice laid back date.

Good luck!

 

[struckpx]

Do you work out? Work on how you feel about yourself first, then worry about chicks second. If you look good physically (not just looks) but health wise, they will come to you.

haha. idk, just an idea.

 

[Liesje]

I agree with indra. Personally, I'm turned off by guys who you can tell are really nervous around women just because they are.....women. It's obsessive and sort of demeaning in a way. You can't really go out looking for girlfriends. If you do and find one, she's probably not the type of girl you were looking for in the first place. Just chill out and talk to people in general and not freak out just because women are....women.

 

[BVS]

Re: Re: Re: Why can't I talk to women?

But right now, I can't bring myself to that point.

Why? Ask yourself, what are you so scared of?

 

[Got Philk?]

I like the tone of this post much better than earlier posts so I will reply.

Notice this. On this forum, you have made some great changes and people are starting to accept you for who you are! Why? Not because of looks or huge muscles. But because you have gotten comfortable and people notice this.

It will be similar now to actually gain confidence out in the real world. If I were you, I would take small steps. At first, talking to some women will be sooooo difficult. But the more you do it, the easier it will become. I don't know what places are comfortable places for you, but maybe start with some people at a Yankees game or somewhere YOU are comfortable with right off the bat.

You hit the nail on the head by the way. Smiling is a great start.

 

[redhotswami]

joerags, it sounds to me from a lot of your posts that you do spend a considerate amount of time alone. i'm just trying to understand your situation, is it just women you have difficulty talking to, or is it when you're in a one-on-one situation, or with groups of people, etc.?

How do you feel when you're hanging around friends? Are you comparing yourself to your friends a lot?

It is difficult, because coming on too strong can drive women away, but at the same time avoiding conversation altogether isn't good either.

I think you could perhaps hang around with friends more, join local groups that share your interests, volunteer, etc. Doing stuff like that will not only make you feel good about yourself because you'll be surrounded by a like-minded community, but it will also put you in social situations where you get to meet all sorts of people and engage with both men and women.

I'm just typing off the top of my head, so I don't know if any of that makes sense. But I hope it helps some!

 

[starsgoblue]

Re: Re: Re: Why can't I talk to women?

I know I should see a therapist. But right now, I can't bring myself to that point.

But you have been doing this roundabout for YEARS. Don't you think it's time to do something.

 

[Pearl]

I know I should see a therapist. But right now, I can't bring myself to that point.

Why? Why are you afraid to see a therapist?

 

[cstar]

Instead of going to see a therapist, how about some self-therapy? My recommendation is to get yourself some Tony Robbins cds and follow his program. I hear its life changing for those that are serious. Have you ever seen him on QVC? He's pretty inspiring. And there are a variety of topics to choose from. Look him up on the internet. And good luck dude.

 

[shart1780]

When I was younger I had a ton of trouble talking to EVERYONE ( not just women). he best way to get over it, from my experience, is to just get out there and force yourself to socialize a lot. It's really hard and awkward at first, but it worked wonders for me. Now I think I'm a little too talkative. But I can talk to girls like it's nothing at all.

My guess is you don't need a therapist/ You probably just have a shy nature that's been festering and building for way too long. Try and break it down. You may convince yourself that it's not such a big deal after all.

 

[kafrun]

^ I have to agree. Just work on it.. Socialize, talk to girls, talk yourself into it. You'll get there. Don't put too much emphasis on how they react either. If she's receptive, take it as a good sign and don't try to pick the conversation apart too much. If she's negative, I'd say 'fuck it'. Any girl who's going to blow you off or make you feel worse about yourself is a waste of space

 

[Karlonthe2nd]

I can pretty much relate as I used to have a similar problem.

Up until 2 years ago I could barely make eye contact with a girl, never mind make conversation with them. The problem simply turned out to be that I was simply looking in the wrong place, as all the girls local to me are kinda Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan wannabes which suffice to say is not my type.

The whole situation changed when I started University. I found the Uni girls to be nothing like the ones from my town and that they and I had very similar interests. Since that time my confidence has slowly grown around women by following a simple rule: Just talk to them as if they were another of my male friends.

Over time the relationship may develop and they may become interested in you in that way. This worked wonders for me and I went from never having a girlfriend in 18 years to having 3 in the space of 1 year, the 3rd one I am still with today and we have been going out for over a year and a half ( I even managed to convert her into a U2 fan )

The lesson I learned: Don't go out looking for a girlfriend, let the one for you be a diamond in the rough that you weren't even looking for.

 

[Zoots]

shart1780 and kaf pretty much hit the nail on the head! The only way to get out of this situation is talk to a lot of people and socialize. Be friendly and cheerful with even strangers everywhere you go. And it doesn't have to be just people of the opposite sex! The saying, Practice makes perfect couldn't be true-er here. You cannot be afraid to practice. Cos if you do, you're shooting yourself in the foot before even starting the race. Maybe if you think of this as something everyone does, it'll not seem like such a daunting task!

 

[redhotswami]

shart1780 and kaf pretty much hit the nail on the head!

 

[joerags]

It's absolutely hard for me to believe that I am 34 years old and I HAVE NEVER ASKED A GIRL OUT. EVER.

WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!

When I was in my teens and early 20s, I was the absolute nerd/geek/doofus/dork. Then I got contacts and put on a few pounds, but I still thought I was downright ugly. Now, for the past few years, I am starting to lose my hair, which freaks me out even more and makes me even more depressed and I'm back to my cycle of feeling ugly.

Right now, I have a strong crush on this one girl at work. I really want to go up to her and tell her how I feel. In fact, last week, I just said to myself, "What the hell" and I told another co-worker that I have this crush. The co-worker is real close with the girl I have a crush on. I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY THAT I HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL. I totally couldn't believe I did that. The co-worker said she wasn't going to tell anybody, but I told her she can tell the girl I have a crush on. This past week, I haven't said anything to the co-worker and pretended that nothing happened. She didn't tell me anything either. So I have no idea what to do. Should I just go this girl I have a crush on and get this off my chest and tell her how I feel?

I have lived with TOO MANY REGRETS in my life, namely not asking girls out, especially the ones that I had a crush on. I don't want to blow this. Why am I so scared?? Why can't I just go for it??? At least I'll know that I tried. This has bothered me for the past few weeks now. Come Wednesday, when I go back to work, I have no idea what I will do?? Will I just say, "WTF" and just go for it and act on the biggest impulse of my life. Or will I chicken out? Man, this is scarying me, big time.

 

[U2democrat]

I've only ever asked 2 guys out, got rejected twice. 0-2 I guess you could say, and I'm not torn up inside about it, as there really are other fish in the sea.

You HAVE to try. The worst that could happen is she says no, it hurts some, but you move on and try again...until you hear that magical word "yes"...but you're never going to hear that word unless you try.

 

[randhail]

Go for it!

Not to sound trite or corny, but I love this line from the movie Rounders:

"You can't lose what you don't put in the middle....but you can't win much either."

Thats my attitude with most things in life - playing it safe is just that safe and boring. Take the chance because regret SUCKS!

 

[corianderstem]

Yes, you should talk to her, but I wouldn't necessarily tell her right off the bat "I have such a crush on you!"

Why not just ask if she'd like to get lunch together one day, or go out for a drink/coffee after work?

The worst she can do is say "no." And yeah, that'll suck because you like her so much, but hey - at least you'll no longer be able to say that you've never asked a girl out!