There's a catch......

[Lila64]

 

[U2democrat]

No worries, I am a very cautious person

 

[Techie2000]

Yes sir! How dare I respond to anything. :madspot:

Maybe I was wrong, but your original response to me appeared to convey a sense of offense to my post, and I may have responded in a manner I felt was in kind. My mind has rather been on the edge tonight, and if I have offended you in anyway with either post, I apologize. I have no beef with you.

 

[the rockin edge]

Yes sir! How dare I respond to anything. :madspot:

spot is mad??

 

[U2democrat]

I love Blue Crack-ers

 

[Liesje]

Maybe it was ok to wait for you, see? Maybe it was all developing very naturally and that´s exactly what you needed. I understand though that in the U.S. life must be different, because while you´re in college you´re staying at the campus. We don´t..

Actually I haven't lived on-campus in over two years. But even so, the lifestyle is very different. I live in a house with a few friends. But it's still a different lifestyle, being in school. Phil wanted to get married and start an actual career; I was more concerned with finished a homework assignment and fitting in enough work hours to pay rent.

And like I said, we're only 3 years apart. I can't imagine having to deal with an age difference of over 10 years.

 

[MooMoo!]

well id say go for a date. you are 19 after all, an adult, if anything should go wrong its just another learning experiance.

plus its not like youre bloody marrying him or anything! its a date. go for it.

buts thats coming from a no-dater myself. so dont mind me.

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

u2dem I'm in a similar situation right now... I'm 23 and for the past month I've been talking to/practically dating a 37 yr. old. It's funny though, when I guessed at his age upon first meeting him I thought he was 27, he doesn't come across his age. The age gap is not at all noticable to me when informing my parents recently, the mention of his age was met with a cringe. I've still been spending a lot of time with him though, and I feel they should meet him in order to subside some of their reservations about the situation... I hate feeling like I have to sneak around to be with someone I enjoy spending time with.

I do realize I need to take things slowly, we have both acknowledged this. Not only is there the age issue, but he also recently moved an hour away--ok so it's not tremendously far off, but it's been difficult to see him especially since my parents don't approve of what's going on.

I've never seriously dated anyone before either, btw--however, I've generally been attracted to men older than myself, and just don't seem to hit it off as well with people my own age

 

[Dutch Partygirl]

Maybe I am too cynical, but I don't see a 36 year old man looking to be friends with a 19 year old girl. I could be wrong and he could be a real great guy, but I guess what I'm saying is just be careful.

My best friend is 46 now and I'm 27. We met when I was 22 and he was 41. We have a normal friendship like everybody else and he has never ever tried to make a move on me. And I love him very much, but not in that way. Just as a friend. He's the best friend I could wish for, so I don't believe that age is a problem when it comes to friendship.

 

[u2bonogirl]

Laura, just so you know....it's almost impossible to 'just be friends' Especially with somebody who you share so many interests with and are attracted to.

In the back of your minds there will always be a tension and a what-if.

And for the record, I see nothing wrong with older men And being married to somebody who has his act together while I'm in college is something I can't be thankful enough for.

I have some actual advice for you, but I'm hesitant to post on here because I'm afraid I will get yelled at. If you're interested at all PM me

 

[the soul waits]

Why would you get yelled at?

 

[u2bonogirl]

Why would you get yelled at?

Obviously you haven't witnessed some of the replies I've had to my postings

 

[U2Girl1978]

I dated an older guy for on and off for 6 years. I was 18 at the time and he was 42. The age difference became too much so we stayed friends up until last year.

It doesn't hurt to be friends. If something more happens, then by all means go for it. I understand the parent situation though. My parents hated that I dated someone so much older. Ah well.

 

[u2bonogirl]

I love the short hair sig

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

Laura, just so you know....it's almost impossible to 'just be friends' Especially with somebody who you share so many interests with and are attracted to.

In the back of your minds there will always be a tension and a what-if.

I know this was addressed to Laura, but I've been mulling this idea over for some time now... the guy I'm talking to has a couple of best girlfriends (well, best friends that happen to be girls) one of which he actually dated and lived with for a year. (she is also younger than himself, 25). He says now that they're strictly friends, and says I should meet her at some point, that we'd get along well. I also agree that it's near impossible to be strictly platonic friends, but should the fact that they dated and failed ease my mind at all? I just want to reach a point where I don't feel intimidated by his female friendships.

I don't have any extremely close guy friends, but my sister does--and she swears they're nothing more than friends, plus she's been dating someone for 5 yrs. off and on now, and it doesn't seem to hinder her relationship much.

 

[u2bonogirl]

I wouldn't find any comfort in the fact that they tried and failed, personally. It would actually make me more uncomfortable with the situation. Just from my experience with exboyfriends being in my circle of friends, there was a kind of intrigue, a what-if that followed me around sometimes. Especially the one that I was still really close with. When you've already opened the door to emotional intimacy it's hard to shut it when you're still acting as friends.
But that's just my take on it.

When my husband felt that he was at a point in his life when he wanted to settle down we distanced himself from his female friendships because he knew it wouldn't be fair to his wife to be sharing the closeness that was meant for her...er...me And he didn't want to have to just ditch his female friends like hot potatoes as soon as he met a girl
It's something I really appreciate. And I feel the same way about having male friendships. Being friendly is all fine, but sharing a close bond just seems like a bad idea. Why put yourself in situations that, given the right circumstances (fight with significant other/ moment of weakness) could lead to big mistakes?

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

When you've already opened the door to emotional intimacy it's hard to shut it when you're still acting as friends.
But that's just my take on it.

...

Being friendly is all fine, but sharing a close bond just seems like a bad idea. Why put yourself in situations that, given the right circumstances (fight with significant other/ moment of weakness) could lead to big mistakes?

I feel that you're right on all counts, and it does make me uncomfortable that he has such close girl friends. I think it's too early on though for me to be making demands... in fact, I hope to never have to demand him to ease the intensity of these friendships, I feel he should be wanting to do this on his own initiative (assuming we continue talking 'til that point arrives)

I'll just try to relax for now; however I do want to reach a point where I don't have to worry about what he's doing when I'm not there, but I imagine it takes some time to establish trust in a relationship. (certainly longer than a month)

 

[u2bonogirl]

yep, I think you're right not to just go jumping into some tirade about his friendships with women. But if it persists for a while and it still makes you uncomfortable you should definitely tell him.

I was with the same guy for almost 3 years and the whole time I never trusted him because all his friends were girls, and I never knew what he was doing when I wasn't around. It wasn't that I thought he was cheating on me, it just made me really uncomfortable and paranoid. Altogether very unhealthy I was a mess. On top of that he had a lying problem

Are you reading all of this Laura? Avoid mana's boys with compulsive lying problems, who only befriend girls

 

[U2Girl1978]

I love the short hair sig

 

[anitram]

Being friendly is all fine, but sharing a close bond just seems like a bad idea. Why put yourself in situations that, given the right circumstances (fight with significant other/ moment of weakness) could lead to big mistakes?

If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.

 

[AtomicBono]

If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.

This is true. My closest friends are all guys. I am admittingly in love with one of them (yeah okay maybe I'm not the best example... ), but the others I don't see that way at all, and they don't see me that way either, and I trust them completely. It's possible to be really good friends with someone of the opposite sex and not be attracted to them that way.

As for older men...well seeing as I have no dating experience I guess I don't have much advice to give. But I am generally attracted to older guys as well I do think the age difference can make a relationship tougher, but not impossible. I'd get to know the guy well before I actually started dating him though.

 

[MacHat]

If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.

One of my best friends is a guy, I never have nor ever will be sexually attracted to him. I've known him for 13 years.

 

[digsy]

If I'm friends with a person, there is a reason I'm not sleeping with them - I am not attracted to them sexually nor will I ever be.

Why is there an assumption that this is a powderkeg ready to explode?

It seems a bit paranoid to me to see all close bonds as potential sexual relationships at some point. It just isn't true at all.

are we really all so sex obsessed with such a lack of self-control that we can't have good friends of the opposite sex in case one day we accidently sleep with them?
i have had many close male friends, the closest of whom i would never dream of hopping into bed with.

surely we're not all physically attracted to absolutely everyone in the world? it must be possible that there are men out there who we can get along with and not what to shag

 

[u2bonogirl]

Most of my friends used to be guys too. I just get along with them better. And I wasn't attracted to most of them either, but after a while I realized that they all wanted in my pants It was a little disturbing

I'm not saying that we're all powder kegs waiting to explode, I'm saying that especially in marriage it isn't fair to the other partner to share the same bond with somemone of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse.

And I really do believe that when you are serious about being with someone it is a bad idea to spend one on one close personal time with someone of the opposite sex.

 

[A_Wanderer]

One can be more than capable of upholding a platonic relationship (in the modern sense, not in the way of the ancient Greeks). Any idle fancy will pass in time, crushes will weaken.

And what bond are we talking about sharing? Friendship, support and advice aren't restricted to romantic entanglements. To deny a persons friendships in principle (in the broadest sense, not in any specific situation) strikes me as demanding and possessive.

 

[digsy]

Most of my friends used to be guys too. I just get along with them better. And I wasn't attracted to most of them either, but after a while I realized that they all wanted in my pants It was a little disturbing

I'm saying that especially in marriage it isn't fair to the other partner to share the same bond with somemone of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse.

i see what you're saying, but i don't think it IS the same bond.

i know the way i felt and the way i behaved with one of my best mates in my last relationship resembled more closely the relationship i have with my sister or my female friends than it did with my boyfriend.

there were certain things i did with the boyfriend that i wouldn't have done or shared with my mate (no, i dont mean that - head out of the gutter people! ) and other things that i was more comfortable diong with my best friend.
they had different personalities therefore enjoyed doing different things that i liked - ie. my boyfriend liked to go do outdoorsey stuff and go for drives or bike rides and stuff which i loved while my mate and i would spend a saturday evening indoors playing poker, drinking ourselves blind and then killing each other repeatedly on play station - activities my guy at the time had no interest in.

i didn't see it any different than spending time with one of my female friends and i would never expect a boyfriend/husband would have problems with that, the same way i never have problems with their females friends.

it is tough when you discover the feelings of friendship are one-sided though and the guy maybe has a less than platonic interest. yes, maybe those relationships are doomed to failure but then you need to be more careful when choosing your friends as i promise you, there are amny platonic relationships to be had with mmbers of the opposite sex.

 

[digsy]

And I really do believe that when you are serious about being with someone it is a bad idea to spend one on one close personal time with someone of the opposite sex.

oh yeah, one last thing
could you not integrate those friendships into your marriage? i mean it wouldn't have to be one on one time if you weren't comfortable with that.
my sisters male friends all know her husband very well now and she knows his female friends so they'll mix as a group and all be friendly with each other. the friendships wouldn't have to be separate to your relationship, theres no real reason why they can't mix.

 

[u2bonogirl]

oh yeah, one last thing
could you not integrate those friendships into your marriage? i mean it wouldn't have to be one on one time if you weren't comfortable with that.
my sisters male friends all know her husband very well now and she knows his female friends so they'll mix as a group and all be friendly with each other. the friendships wouldn't have to be separate to your relationship, theres no real reason why they can't mix.

I think that's an excellent way to go about it. If I still had any of my old guy friends around me (since i moved across the country that sort of rules it out) that's how I would approach it. I think that it's good to integrate your previous friendships into a relationship to the best of your ability. Of course people might not get along or whatever, but its a good way not cut each other off from your other friendships.
I never thought that you should just abandon people that you were friends with before you got in a relationship, and I should have said it plainly, but my solution to that would be to just integrate rather than keep 'your' friends and 'his' friends totally separate.
But this is also from the perspective of marriage. It may be different when you are just dating. And casual dating is much different altogether.
I guess in my situation, neither me or Tim feel comfortable spending one on one time with people of the opposite sex. Besides, we're best friends and really don't like hanging out with other people as much as we do each other

 

[The Disciple]

I have a question... you said you agreed on religion by saying your were both liberals... what is the connection, in your mind, between the two?

 

[hiphop]

I also agree that it's near impossible to be strictly platonic friends, but should the fact that they dated and failed ease my mind at all? I just want to reach a point where I don't feel intimidated by his female friendships.

If I was this guy you would put on my nerves if you were intimidated. I agree its not the best thing to see an ex and maybe makes you feel bad - I disagree when you say it´s practically impossible to be strictly platonic. I have a friend, a singer who I work with, and to both of us its natural that we´re friends.

I am not able to stay with a girlfriend who is jealous of my friends. Its totally against my sense and need of freedom, to see who I want when I want. You can´t own a person.

I guess I agree with digsy.