LittleBono
The Fly
I guess first of all i should give a bit of info on my situation, i guess thats all i can call it ... Ive been seeing this guy for almost a year now (it'll be a year on my birthday, this thursday coming), but im really not happy. In fact, i havent been happy for quite a while, five months to be exact, but i just cant seem to bring myself to end it. Why? Because anytime i tell him im not happy and dont think i can be with him anymore, he cries and i feel shite .. like im a really bad person. It all started going wrong when i agreed to do something that he wanted to do - even though i didnt - and when we finally tried it he got all nasty about it .. he said he didnt like it after all and began to make me feel like i was disgusting for agreeing to do it.
Thing is, its not just that its died out or is dying out, the reason i want out is because of how he makes me feel and the way he treats me and people i care about ... and i dont mean that in a good way ....
It all started going wrong when i agreed to do something that he wanted to do - even though i didnt - and when we finally tried it he got all nasty about it .. he said he didnt like it after all and began to make me feel like i was disgusting for agreeing to do it. It all started going down hill from there onwards ...
The first day he met my grandparents, he was really rude and nasty towards my granda and recently he's become really horrible towards my mum too, who goes out of her way to make him feel like one of the family when he's in my our house. He's also really rude to my best friend. He says he feels threatened by him and by the fact that me and him are so close .. he really has no need to feel that way considering the fact that my best friend is gay ... thats another thing he hates too. He's very homophobic which really bothers me considering the fact that i have quite a few gay friends, who i love to bits.
Now on to how he makes me feel ... useless, stupid, worthless .. i could go on for quite a while. He makes me feel like im nothing compared to him, he seems to think that he's better than everyone in every possible way. He talks down his nose to me, cuts me down and makes me feel like what i think, care about, hold dear is stupid and pointless .. Yes, i know im not into the same intellectual subjects and topics like him - philosophy, quantum physics and the latest technology (i havent a clue about technology) - but i dont think that i should be treated like any less of a person because of that fact. He thinks im stupid because i wont argue with him over politics or current affairs . Im doing a degree in politics and tend to hold the view that once ive come out of class or stopped studying for the day, i dont want to bring it up again ... i want something less taxing to do, i want to relax ... Listen to some music, read a book, draw, strum away on the guitar ... anything to help me chill out ... He thinks that they are all a big waste of time, particularly listening to music .. he thinks im sad for being so into my music. He's also become very pushy sexually, even though he knows im terrified of stuff like that .. He says that i belong to him
He's extremely moody, jealous and possessive. If he's not the centre of attention, he sulks, if i talk to a guy (i mean friends, i have quite a few male friends, most of whom ive known for years, long before i ever met him) he gets into a mood, he grabs me by the arm if i try to wander too faraway from him, he turns up on my doorstep and stays in my house on the days when he knows im supposed to be hanging out with my friends back home (i end up not going out because he thinks that they are stupid .. he's never met them)
It seems that since ive been with him ive slowly turned into someone i hate, ive become really irritable, uptight, im miserable all the time ... i dont feel like im myself anymore ...and everyone around me is starting to notice ive changed .. for the worst. Ive started to take out my frustration at him out on those close to me ...
He's taking me to Dublin for my birthday/ our anniversary even though i told him i didnt really want to go ... I know its going to be one of the most awful weekends ever. He knows how much i love Dublin and i suppose he thinks he's doing something nice for me, but i dont want to go with him, because i know he's going to ruin it for me.
I just dont know what to do. I cant take much more of it. Its causing me so much trouble and misery, but i cant seem to end it because he makes out like he's a victim when i tell him i dont want to see him anymore. He's nice for a few weeks and then he becomes worse than he was before ... I dont want to be stuck with him for the rest of my life .. I had to watch my mum go through the same thing with my dad as i was growing up and i swore id never let a guy treat me the way he treated my mum, yet here i am in the one situation i swore id never get myself into ..
I know this went on quite a bit, well a lot. I guess i didnt think i had so much to say .. Im not really into talking about my feelings and emotions .. my dad brought me up thinking things like that were wrong. But anyway, i dont really know what i expect to hear, i guess i just needed to get out how im feeling. Id appreciate any comments back, anything at all. Even if its just to tell me how stupid i am ..
Thing is, its not just that its died out or is dying out, the reason i want out is because of how he makes me feel and the way he treats me and people i care about ... and i dont mean that in a good way ....
It all started going wrong when i agreed to do something that he wanted to do - even though i didnt - and when we finally tried it he got all nasty about it .. he said he didnt like it after all and began to make me feel like i was disgusting for agreeing to do it. It all started going down hill from there onwards ...
The first day he met my grandparents, he was really rude and nasty towards my granda and recently he's become really horrible towards my mum too, who goes out of her way to make him feel like one of the family when he's in my our house. He's also really rude to my best friend. He says he feels threatened by him and by the fact that me and him are so close .. he really has no need to feel that way considering the fact that my best friend is gay ... thats another thing he hates too. He's very homophobic which really bothers me considering the fact that i have quite a few gay friends, who i love to bits.
Now on to how he makes me feel ... useless, stupid, worthless .. i could go on for quite a while. He makes me feel like im nothing compared to him, he seems to think that he's better than everyone in every possible way. He talks down his nose to me, cuts me down and makes me feel like what i think, care about, hold dear is stupid and pointless .. Yes, i know im not into the same intellectual subjects and topics like him - philosophy, quantum physics and the latest technology (i havent a clue about technology) - but i dont think that i should be treated like any less of a person because of that fact. He thinks im stupid because i wont argue with him over politics or current affairs . Im doing a degree in politics and tend to hold the view that once ive come out of class or stopped studying for the day, i dont want to bring it up again ... i want something less taxing to do, i want to relax ... Listen to some music, read a book, draw, strum away on the guitar ... anything to help me chill out ... He thinks that they are all a big waste of time, particularly listening to music .. he thinks im sad for being so into my music. He's also become very pushy sexually, even though he knows im terrified of stuff like that .. He says that i belong to him
He's extremely moody, jealous and possessive. If he's not the centre of attention, he sulks, if i talk to a guy (i mean friends, i have quite a few male friends, most of whom ive known for years, long before i ever met him) he gets into a mood, he grabs me by the arm if i try to wander too faraway from him, he turns up on my doorstep and stays in my house on the days when he knows im supposed to be hanging out with my friends back home (i end up not going out because he thinks that they are stupid .. he's never met them)
It seems that since ive been with him ive slowly turned into someone i hate, ive become really irritable, uptight, im miserable all the time ... i dont feel like im myself anymore ...and everyone around me is starting to notice ive changed .. for the worst. Ive started to take out my frustration at him out on those close to me ...
He's taking me to Dublin for my birthday/ our anniversary even though i told him i didnt really want to go ... I know its going to be one of the most awful weekends ever. He knows how much i love Dublin and i suppose he thinks he's doing something nice for me, but i dont want to go with him, because i know he's going to ruin it for me.
I just dont know what to do. I cant take much more of it. Its causing me so much trouble and misery, but i cant seem to end it because he makes out like he's a victim when i tell him i dont want to see him anymore. He's nice for a few weeks and then he becomes worse than he was before ... I dont want to be stuck with him for the rest of my life .. I had to watch my mum go through the same thing with my dad as i was growing up and i swore id never let a guy treat me the way he treated my mum, yet here i am in the one situation i swore id never get myself into ..
I know this went on quite a bit, well a lot. I guess i didnt think i had so much to say .. Im not really into talking about my feelings and emotions .. my dad brought me up thinking things like that were wrong. But anyway, i dont really know what i expect to hear, i guess i just needed to get out how im feeling. Id appreciate any comments back, anything at all. Even if its just to tell me how stupid i am ..
