MissVelvetDress_75
Blue Crack Addict
joyfulgirl said:
Sex before marriage....thoughts?
- Thread starter U2democrat
- Start date
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U2democrat
Blue Crack Addict
wow i had no idea this thread would generate so much response 
its good to see discussion like this.
but i still haven't made up my mind.
its good to see discussion like this.
but i still haven't made up my mind.
nbcrusader
Blue Crack Addict
I take it you have someone in mind (other than Edwards 
)
)U2democrat
Blue Crack Addict
nbcrusader said:I take it you have someone in mind (other than Edwards
No, i don't have anyone in mind (other than edwards
).I probably won't have anyone in mind untill i get to college. None of the guys i know could ever 'light my fire' and I certainly don't light theirs.
Liesje
Blue Crack Addict
U2democrat said:
No, i don't have anyone in mind (other than edwards
I probably won't have anyone in mind untill i get to college. None of the guys i know could ever 'light my fire' and I certainly don't light theirs.
That's ok b/c seriously WAY too many people get into "serious" relationships and end up in sexual situations w/o ever considering how they feel themselves and how they feel together. I had a friend like this. She told me she regreted it but said she didn't know what to do once the relationship went down the road towards sex. She ruined it b/c neither her nor her bf had ever thought it through by themselves or discussed it together, they just both assumed the other was game and went ahead with it. You need to know where YOU stand and make that clear once you do find a relationship.
intedomine
Rock n' Roll Doggie FOB
Absolutely fine, in fact it should be promoted. Sex is the ultimate experience, so therefore why run away from it.
starsgoblue
Blue Crack Addict
Ay yai yai....I'm holding on to my 10 foot pole here, cause I'm not touching this....
My thoughts on this subject have changed ALOT within the past year or so.....
My thoughts on this subject have changed ALOT within the past year or so.....
Mullen-Girl
Rock n' Roll Doggie Band-aid
Well in my situation I didn't have sex until I actually knew I LOVED a person...and this was the guy I ended up marrying...and we did have sex before marriage but again only because I knew it was love and it was going to last
Irvine511
Blue Crack Supplier
U2democrat said:wow i had no idea this thread would generate so much response
its good to see discussion like this.
but i still haven't made up my mind.
going back and looking at your posts, it sounds like you're still in high school. i think it's great that you're thinking seriously about these things and not doing what is expected of you -- whether that is listening to Abercrombie telling you to have sex if you want to be cool, or to have a church or some abstinence-only group telling you that if you have sex you'll die. both are equally simple-minded.
my advice: sex is a beautiful thing. sex with love is best. but you don't have to be in love to have sex, nor do you have to have sex to be in love. you need to listen to yourself, find out how you want sex to function in your life, and then make sure you take all the emotional and physical precautions necessary to have a positive experience.
sex with a stranger can be a positive experience. sex for the first time on your wedding night can be a positive experience. it all depends on you.
however, i would encourage you to wait until you are fully an adult -- both physically but especially emotionally. literally *everyone* i know who had sex in high school (especially before the age of 16) lived to regret it.
Windmilllane
War Child
U2 Democrat
How can you say nobody lights your fire???
You're a U2 fan, you're young, intelligent and insightful.
If that doesn't light any guy's fire, I don't know what will??
How can you say nobody lights your fire???
You're a U2 fan, you're young, intelligent and insightful.
If that doesn't light any guy's fire, I don't know what will??
Windmilllane
War Child
All hail U2 Democrat!!!!!!!!
Kate1
War Child
This is my thoughts anywayz..
marrige is only a piece of paper saying ur joined to the hip for the rest of ur life.
Even though i aint even had sex yet i think that you should have sex with ur partner before you get married. This so ya know if he/she is any good and knows what there doing lol!
marrige is only a piece of paper saying ur joined to the hip for the rest of ur life.
Even though i aint even had sex yet i think that you should have sex with ur partner before you get married. This so ya know if he/she is any good and knows what there doing lol!
intedomine said:
Um, no. Now don't get me wrong, sex is a great experience, but if, when you're an old (wo)man, you look back on your life and decide that sex was your ultimate experience, then you lived a pretty empty and/or superficial life.
Dutch Partygirl
War Child
I think everybody should decide for that themselves. As long as you don't do anything against your will, than it's fine to me. I haven't waited until marriage, simply because I don't think I'll ever get married and I was ready for it. It was a guy I loved and he loved me, but unfortunately it didn't work out in the long run. Absolutely no regrets though!
U2democrat
Blue Crack Addict
Windmilllane said:U2 Democrat
How can you say nobody lights your fire???
You're a U2 fan, you're young, intelligent and insightful.
If that doesn't light any guy's fire, I don't know what will??
lol. who knows
Like someone else said, there's two extremes: the conservative that is "don't do it unless you're married" and the openly liberal that is "do it, it's fun". I think somewhere in the middle lies the answer.
IMO it should DEFINITELY be someone you love, know him very well and you both trust each other totally, are faithful to one another - you likely moved in together and tried living together for a while and you've been together for a while. (unless you're planning for a family, use protection, of course)
If you have any doubts whatsoever, don't do it. You will most likely know when the time comes.
IMO it should DEFINITELY be someone you love, know him very well and you both trust each other totally, are faithful to one another - you likely moved in together and tried living together for a while and you've been together for a while. (unless you're planning for a family, use protection, of course)
If you have any doubts whatsoever, don't do it. You will most likely know when the time comes.
U2democrat said:
Sex is good. Love is better. Sex and love is the best.
My advice: Don't rush into anything, and be prepared when the time comes (birth control and/or condoms).
I had little choice but to have sex before marriage, since gay marriage is illegal where I live. But we are making progress though, early last year it was illegal for me to even have sex. But I can still get fired or evicted if my employer or landlord doesn't like gays.
Someday, someday...
Nate
LyricalDrug
Rock n' Roll Doggie
Good sex takes practice and work--I know that doesn't sound too romantic, but it's true. Have fun and have lots of sex, I say.
"We're here... to make *love*!!!" -- Bono, PopMart live in Mexico City
"We're here... to make *love*!!!" -- Bono, PopMart live in Mexico City
I have not read through the whole thread Democrat, but to each her/his own. I see good reasons to wait.
My own experience tells me not to wait, enjoy it, sexual experience is not a bad thing, but can be a great thing. Just be smart about it. Choose wisely and it can be amazing.
My own experience tells me not to wait, enjoy it, sexual experience is not a bad thing, but can be a great thing. Just be smart about it. Choose wisely and it can be amazing.
ultrraviolette
Refugee
I think it's a great idea to wait because it makes that moment much more special, etc.
But on the other hand what if you wait til you're married and you just don't "click" with your spouse. Like it or not, sex is a big part of marriage and can cause divorce, etc. So maybe it's better to find out first?
I don't know, I'm torn 50/50
But on the other hand what if you wait til you're married and you just don't "click" with your spouse. Like it or not, sex is a big part of marriage and can cause divorce, etc. So maybe it's better to find out first?
I don't know, I'm torn 50/50
Liesje
Blue Crack Addict
ultrraviolette said:
I used to feel the exact same way until I thought about the people I've met.....I've heard SO many people say they regret not waiting. I've never once met someone who's regretted waiting, or divorced because of waiting.
Last edited:
Saracene
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
I don't plan to wait until I'm officially married, but I am willing to wait until I meet someone who I could have a real relationship with. Or at the very least, it would have to be someone I was very strongly attracted to, and not just on a physical level either.
TheHedge
The Fly
As Colin Farrell says "you can't beat a good rattle"
meegannie
Blue Crack Addict
I waited until I was married, even though my fiance and I lived together. Not because of religious reasons, but just because I had an irrational fear of accidental pregnancy and big trust/guilt/physical contact issues (and the fact that I have a non-existent libido). 
It's all a matter of personal choice, though, and what you feel comfortable with. I regret kissing other people before my husband, so I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd slept with other people. I'm glad I waited; I was too neurotic for pre-marital sex!
It's all a matter of personal choice, though, and what you feel comfortable with. I regret kissing other people before my husband, so I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd slept with other people. I'm glad I waited; I was too neurotic for pre-marital sex! U2democrat
Blue Crack Addict
lol meeganie
PaleBlueDot
War Child
Hmmm.
I think the more relevant question, here, is -- What part of you is asking the question?
If you are a Christian, then there is no question -- You believe that premarital sex is a sin. ...BUT. You ALSO believe that, if you sin and you repent, then you WILL be forgiven. So interpret that as you will, lol.
If you don't know what you believe with regards to religion, then well -- there's a good place to start.
If you are not particularly religious, or believe in a religion that simply doesn't have a stance on the issue, then there are probably 2 things you'd want to consider: your temperament and social expectations.
First of all, it is important to have some sort of moral standards regarding your behavior. There are a few different ways to look at this, depending on a person's values. For a person who values waiting, you could say that the fewer people you have slept with by the time you get married, the more important your spouse will feel to you. But on the other hand, you could also look at it this way -- You could tell your spouse, "I've slept with 23 guys, but I chose to marry YOU because I wanted to have sex EXCLUSIVELY with YOU." And that can really mean a lot to someone. It just depends how you look at it I guess.
In my mind -- now this is just a personal view, and totally disregarding religion -- premarital sex is essential to the survival of a potential marriage. The truth is, people have varying libidos. I heard a story of a guy moving in with a chick who wanted to have sex like, literally six times a day, and the poor lad was barely getting any work done. Now, there's ways you can work around that (vibrators, etc), but come on...Let's not be ridiculous.
Also, a person's sexual style is as individual as the person. Some people like S&M, or dirty talk, or dressing up...for others, that stuff is just plain WEIRD. You have to especially be careful if one partner is a virgin and the other is not. I mean, you don't want to marry like, a conservative Christian and end up getting scolded on your wedding night for using the Lord's name in vain...that would seriously kill the mood lol.
This is how it went for me. I cannot believe I am sharing this here, but it's a very unusual story and I did learn from it, which is why I'm sharing it. I was raised with really high standards in men -- I mean, my father, brothers, and uncles are all very handsome, VERY smart, and VERY good people. Therefore I have always been very picky about the men that I have warmed up to, and as a result, I found myself at age 22 and STILL had never french-kissed a guy. And I was getting into my 20's and you know...sex is ALL anyone talks about in their 20's, and it became an issue of great anxiety for me, from a social perspective. You see, at first, I was very open and honest about being a virgin -- I mean, I didn't care what people thought of me. It's not like it was because I was ugly or anything. But I started to realize that when I said it, I'd get one of two reactions: Either "Awww that's so sweet," or "WTF is wrong with you??!" Either way, I'd be treated differently from that point on, and I'd feel like, since I had never had sex before, then my opinions on the subject were not valid. That, coupled with my Catholic upbringing, caused a LOT of serious emotional and sexual frustration that built up in me and what finally happened was, in the midst of some boy drama, I went out one night and got VERY drunk and had a one night stand. And, though emotionally I have no real regrets (I know this sounds awful, but frankly I was pretty relieved to just "get it over with"), it was still pretty pointless, and morally wrong (In my opinion) and could have been avoided had I dealt with my sexual frustrations in a healthier way.
A lot happened in the months after that...And ultimately I decided, okay I've done the casual sex thing...and my feeling about that now is, been there, done that, I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. I have a lot of patience and fortitude built into my temperament...Meaning, I have the WILL to hold myself to pretty high standards...And therefore, I concluded that I should make the effort to do so. So I am waiting for not just love, but IN love.
I also come from a very Catholic family who makes a big fuss over sex and significant others (every time I bring a guy home, they absolutely SMOTHER the poor lad) so having (i.e. SNEAKING) a meaningless sexual relationship, coupled with the possibility (however small) of getting pregnant and shaming the family or whatever, is just not worth the trouble and fuss to me. I've got to focus on school right now.
And also, another issue that was barely touched on in here:
Oral sex is sex to me. Simple, really. I see it as a sort of cheap way out, when in fact you've pretty much seen everything there is to see. So I guess I don't believe in "technical" virginity.
You know, oral sex has always felt like very much a cop-out to me, too. It is a VERY popular thing (around here, at least) for young people to have oral sex while still, in their minds, "saving themselves" for love or marriage or whatever. But, I mean, I've seen people sleep around with a lot of people, and even if it's just oral sex, I still consider them sluts. It still involves taking off clothes and whatnot, and a large degree of vulnerability, etc, and for me -- perhaps this is wrong, but -- intercourse is not that big of a step beyond it.
But for what it's worth, I do feel more "connected" to a person during intercourse. It's very much a bonding experience for me...well, if I love the person, anyway. I have had casual sex, too, so it's perfectly possible for a person not to make much of a distinction.
...But I dunno. That is definitely a very personal thing, and really, I still don't know how I feel about it.
I will say this -- I was a relatively late bloomer and I do feel like I missed out a bit, especially since SO much happened to me at once. In fact one of the reasons I was relieved to "get it over with" was because I was worried that I would fall too far behind my peers in my social/emotional development. But fortunately, I was plenty old enough and found that the learning curve was not as steep as I anticipated. (read: Apparently, I'm a natural! hehe)
Also, I learned this: Sex, when it's with the right person, is the FUNNEST THING EVER. Drunk, casual sex -- boring as crap, and it's never any good either. And it's not worth doing anyway cuz you don't remember it ha ha. Having been there and done that, my feeling towards it is, it has to be with someone you're TOTALLY comfortable with, and would tell them ANYthing. And also, don't take it too seriously...Laughing makes sex SO much more fun and eases the tension and makes it better for both people involved.
At the VERY least, my opinion is that you should not have sex with any guy who you think would be a bad father. Because accidents DO happen, and I have a laundry list of friends who were screwed up because they had sucky fathers, and I would never forgive myself for being responsible for that. It's a pretty good rule to have, I think. I mean, it makes sense lol.
...that's just my $.02.
I think the more relevant question, here, is -- What part of you is asking the question?
If you are a Christian, then there is no question -- You believe that premarital sex is a sin. ...BUT. You ALSO believe that, if you sin and you repent, then you WILL be forgiven. So interpret that as you will, lol.
If you don't know what you believe with regards to religion, then well -- there's a good place to start.
If you are not particularly religious, or believe in a religion that simply doesn't have a stance on the issue, then there are probably 2 things you'd want to consider: your temperament and social expectations.
First of all, it is important to have some sort of moral standards regarding your behavior. There are a few different ways to look at this, depending on a person's values. For a person who values waiting, you could say that the fewer people you have slept with by the time you get married, the more important your spouse will feel to you. But on the other hand, you could also look at it this way -- You could tell your spouse, "I've slept with 23 guys, but I chose to marry YOU because I wanted to have sex EXCLUSIVELY with YOU." And that can really mean a lot to someone. It just depends how you look at it I guess.
In my mind -- now this is just a personal view, and totally disregarding religion -- premarital sex is essential to the survival of a potential marriage. The truth is, people have varying libidos. I heard a story of a guy moving in with a chick who wanted to have sex like, literally six times a day, and the poor lad was barely getting any work done. Now, there's ways you can work around that (vibrators, etc), but come on...Let's not be ridiculous.
Also, a person's sexual style is as individual as the person. Some people like S&M, or dirty talk, or dressing up...for others, that stuff is just plain WEIRD. You have to especially be careful if one partner is a virgin and the other is not. I mean, you don't want to marry like, a conservative Christian and end up getting scolded on your wedding night for using the Lord's name in vain...that would seriously kill the mood lol.
This is how it went for me. I cannot believe I am sharing this here, but it's a very unusual story and I did learn from it, which is why I'm sharing it. I was raised with really high standards in men -- I mean, my father, brothers, and uncles are all very handsome, VERY smart, and VERY good people. Therefore I have always been very picky about the men that I have warmed up to, and as a result, I found myself at age 22 and STILL had never french-kissed a guy. And I was getting into my 20's and you know...sex is ALL anyone talks about in their 20's, and it became an issue of great anxiety for me, from a social perspective. You see, at first, I was very open and honest about being a virgin -- I mean, I didn't care what people thought of me. It's not like it was because I was ugly or anything. But I started to realize that when I said it, I'd get one of two reactions: Either "Awww that's so sweet," or "WTF is wrong with you??!" Either way, I'd be treated differently from that point on, and I'd feel like, since I had never had sex before, then my opinions on the subject were not valid. That, coupled with my Catholic upbringing, caused a LOT of serious emotional and sexual frustration that built up in me and what finally happened was, in the midst of some boy drama, I went out one night and got VERY drunk and had a one night stand. And, though emotionally I have no real regrets (I know this sounds awful, but frankly I was pretty relieved to just "get it over with"), it was still pretty pointless, and morally wrong (In my opinion) and could have been avoided had I dealt with my sexual frustrations in a healthier way.
A lot happened in the months after that...And ultimately I decided, okay I've done the casual sex thing...and my feeling about that now is, been there, done that, I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things. I have a lot of patience and fortitude built into my temperament...Meaning, I have the WILL to hold myself to pretty high standards...And therefore, I concluded that I should make the effort to do so. So I am waiting for not just love, but IN love.
I also come from a very Catholic family who makes a big fuss over sex and significant others (every time I bring a guy home, they absolutely SMOTHER the poor lad) so having (i.e. SNEAKING) a meaningless sexual relationship, coupled with the possibility (however small) of getting pregnant and shaming the family or whatever, is just not worth the trouble and fuss to me. I've got to focus on school right now.
And also, another issue that was barely touched on in here:
Oral sex is sex to me. Simple, really. I see it as a sort of cheap way out, when in fact you've pretty much seen everything there is to see. So I guess I don't believe in "technical" virginity.
You know, oral sex has always felt like very much a cop-out to me, too. It is a VERY popular thing (around here, at least) for young people to have oral sex while still, in their minds, "saving themselves" for love or marriage or whatever. But, I mean, I've seen people sleep around with a lot of people, and even if it's just oral sex, I still consider them sluts. It still involves taking off clothes and whatnot, and a large degree of vulnerability, etc, and for me -- perhaps this is wrong, but -- intercourse is not that big of a step beyond it.
But for what it's worth, I do feel more "connected" to a person during intercourse. It's very much a bonding experience for me...well, if I love the person, anyway. I have had casual sex, too, so it's perfectly possible for a person not to make much of a distinction.
...But I dunno. That is definitely a very personal thing, and really, I still don't know how I feel about it.
I will say this -- I was a relatively late bloomer and I do feel like I missed out a bit, especially since SO much happened to me at once. In fact one of the reasons I was relieved to "get it over with" was because I was worried that I would fall too far behind my peers in my social/emotional development. But fortunately, I was plenty old enough and found that the learning curve was not as steep as I anticipated. (read: Apparently, I'm a natural! hehe)
Also, I learned this: Sex, when it's with the right person, is the FUNNEST THING EVER. Drunk, casual sex -- boring as crap, and it's never any good either. And it's not worth doing anyway cuz you don't remember it ha ha. Having been there and done that, my feeling towards it is, it has to be with someone you're TOTALLY comfortable with, and would tell them ANYthing. And also, don't take it too seriously...Laughing makes sex SO much more fun and eases the tension and makes it better for both people involved.
At the VERY least, my opinion is that you should not have sex with any guy who you think would be a bad father. Because accidents DO happen, and I have a laundry list of friends who were screwed up because they had sucky fathers, and I would never forgive myself for being responsible for that. It's a pretty good rule to have, I think. I mean, it makes sense lol.
...that's just my $.02.
PaleBlueDot
War Child
OH my gosh. I had NO idea I wrote that much. lol. I'm such a loser.
U2democrat
Blue Crack Addict
lol you're not a loser. it was very important for you to post your opinion. basically what i've gotten out of this discussion is that it's a very personal decision, whether your decide to go through with it before getting married or not. I think it will all depend on how i mature in the next few years and who i meet.
PaleBlueDot
War Child
U2democrat said:
I agree. people grow a LOT in their early 20's, especially when they first go off to college. I've grown up SO much. I dated a 19 year-old recently, and I just couldn't believe the difference between the way I saw the world and the way he and his friends did...and that's one of the reasons that the relationship, unfortunately, did not work out.
U2democrat
Blue Crack Addict
i can't wait until college. i want to meet new people, have new experiences. i WANT to grow up.
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