I Surrender

[Techie2000]

I've had a crush on a female friend of mine. I assumed it would just go away with time and did my best to ignore it. It seems to not be relenting. It's been nearly two and a half years now. Nothing seems to help this at all. Ignoring it, talking about it with friends, it always seems to be lurking in the back of my brain. I'll be honest in saying I feel rather juvenile posting this, but I'm at my wits end. Solutions or advice? I just want it to go away.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Maybe what you are feeling is more than a crush? If you are feeling brave enough and don't think she would react negatively. Than try just telling your female friend about your crush. Sometimes just saying what you are feeling about one person helps. Good luck

 

[U2democrat]

Are you comfortable enough to tell her you've got a crush on her? If so, tell her. If not....ermm...maybe one of the wiser interferencers will have more sage advice.

 

[mickey]

you know techie, there are some cliches out there that really have a grain of wisdom them:

better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all
necessity is the mother of invention
fear of failure can be life threatening
it is not the things I have done in my life that are regretful, it is the things I did not do.

I've elected those four in particular because of the gravity of your situation. It's no passing fancy that will go away without some from of conclusion. The facts as they stand are A. You do not know how she might respond to your sentiments B. You cannot let it go C. You haven't made the attempt to pour your affections.

I'd reckon the obstacle facing you is your own fear of it not working out exactly the way you would like it to. In light of this, please consider the current situation. Is the status quo acceptable to you? From your own description, I would say it is not.

So; apply a scale to all this.

1. Is the status quo more preferable to having her feel the same way abot you? (Obviously not, so throw this out the window)
2. Is the staus quo more preferable to having her NOT feel the same way about you? Which offers LEAST comfort?

Now, consider the foreseeable future of such a matter If you do not conclude this situation (which revolves around discerning her position (telling her))

1. You will eventually move on
2. You will indefinitely hold on

Either case is prone to regret. it's a fast changing world out there. You might not be in a situation to even be around her ten years from now, different cities, different countries who knows? You are very likely going to regret not acting on this, whatever the outcome.

Don't, or try not to, let this develop into a life long regret. It's far more troublesome then talking to this person.

You need finality and closure on the matter, it's been too long in the making to simply go away on its own.

Techie, on another note, things will not fall into your lap from out of the sky. If you have not wooed her, if you have not made the effort, or sincerely even tried to be an intimate friend because this is getting in the way, then it will not simply happen. relationships are forged because people have worked on them.

 

[Techie2000]

Maybe what you are feeling is more than a crush? If you are feeling brave enough and don't think she would react negatively. Than try just telling your female friend about your crush. Sometimes just saying what you are feeling about one person helps. Good luck

I would guess telling her is the option that makes the most sense, and it is probably unfair if I don't tell her. I just need to muster up the gumption...

 

[Diemen]

I agree that telling her is the best thing to do. I did the same with one of my good friends a few years back, and she was gracious enough to take it well and also let me down gently, so I was able to put it behind me and get back to the friendship.

What mickey says is true - if you have not shown her the signs that you're interested, then it's doubtful she's going to have any other response but no, so make it easy on her. Remember, as far as she knows you've just been a friend for the past 2 1/2 years (if she had feelings for you then something probably would've happened by now), so don't plan anything over dramatic as it will just catch her completely off guard. Be honest and straightforward, but keep it simple. Let her know how you feel without overwhelming her with your deep down desires and feelings. There'll be a bit of awkward time between you, but if she's worth it as a friend, it'll pass soon enough.

Good luck.

 

[Techie2000]

you know techie, there are some cliches out there that really have a grain of wisdom them:

better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all
necessity is the mother of invention
fear of failure can be life threatening
it is not the things I have done in my life that are regretful, it is the things I did not do.

I've elected those four in particular because of the gravity of your situation. It's no passing fancy that will go away without some from of conclusion. The facts as they stand are A. You do not know how she might respond to your sentiments B. You cannot let it go C. You haven't made the attempt to pour your affections.

I'd reckon the obstacle facing you is your own fear of it not working out exactly the way you would like it to. In light of this, please consider the current situation. Is the status quo acceptable to you? From your own description, I would say it is not.

So; apply a scale to all this.

1. Is the status quo more preferable to having her feel the same way abot you? (Obviously not, so throw this out the window)
2. Is the staus quo more preferable to having her NOT feel the same way about you? Which offers LEAST comfort?

Now, consider the foreseeable future of such a matter If you do not conclude this situation (which revolves around discerning her position (telling her))

1. You will eventually move on
2. You will indefinitely hold on

Either case is prone to regret. it's a fast changing world out there. You might not be in a situation to even be around her ten years from now, different cities, different countries who knows? You are very likely going to regret not acting on this, whatever the outcome.

Don't, or try not to, let this develop into a life long regret. It's far more troublesome then talking to this person.

You need finality and closure on the matter, it's been too long in the making to simply go away on its own.

Techie, on another note, things will not fall into your lap from out of the sky. If you have not wooed her, if you have not made the effort, or sincerely even tried to be an intimate friend because this is getting in the way, then it will not simply happen. relationships are forged because people have worked on them.

I thank you for an excellent post. I'll be honest in saying that I rather expected closure to close itself in that I didn't really expect to see her anymore after I graduated high school, and then I ended up talking to and seeing her after all.

 

[BonosBaby12]

I had a thing for my best friend for the longest time. Yet each time I went to tell him how I felt I would back away from doing it. Finally I just blurted it out to him one day and he was very gracious and touched by how I felt. While he didn't feel the way I did it was ok. Felt better for just having taken that plunge instead of keeping it all inside. Hope you find the courage to tell your friend.

Mickey that was a great post

 

[AtomicBono]

I had a thing for my best friend for the longest time. Yet each time I went to tell him how I felt I would back away from doing it. Finally I just blurted it out to him one day and he was very gracious and touched by how I felt. While he didn't feel the way I did it was ok. Felt better for just having taken that plunge instead of keeping it all inside. Hope you find the courage to tell your friend.

I was/am in a similar situation. I'd had a crush on my friend for awhile, but the thing was he was dating my other friend, so there was no way it would ever work out... but I told him anyway, and he was really flattered and nice about it, and really I think it brought us closer together, in a strange way.

that was like a year and a half ago...I still feel the same, but we're also still really good friends. I thought maybe I wouldn't see him much after he graduated from high school, but we still hang out and talk all the time. so it's not a happy storybook ending, but it's no greek tragedy either

Mickey's post summed it up I think. I'd tell her, because there is a chance that it could work out for you, and even if it doesn't, you'll feel better getting it off your chest. The longer you hold it in the more it will tear you up inside and stuff. Obviously it's not just a passing thing if you've liked her for two and a half years.

good luck

 

[A_Wanderer]

But you don't wamt tp speak out of turn and make yourself look like a fool. Or hang around too much without saying anything because thats just creepy. Or a million other little things and excuses that you can invent to stop yourself from taking that step. I must confess that I am in a similar situation, not as much time to be sure (and two years plus is a *long* time) but you can tie yourself in infinite knots trying to think your way out of it.

Perhaps you could play it a little bit Machiavellian, ingratiate yourself with the best friend and then confide in them, if your intentions aren't nefarious that could work. Or try to woo her in a Wodehousian third person

 

[Techie2000]

Getting ingratiated with the best friend wouldn't quite work. We actually do not share social networks at all. I am not friends with any of her friends, and she is not friends with any of my friends...

 

[gareth brown]

I'm in a similar situation I daresay and it's really quite frustrating. I would tell my friend everything after nearly three years but there's someone else still in the picture and I want to put that whole issue to rest before moving on.

The best thing is to get it off your chest. I remember being told once that problems don't seem so big once you get them out in the open and stop bottling them up. Just take it one step at a time which you have by talking about it to other people. Talking to one of my friends about my feelings was a massive help and it made me feel a lot better but it doesn't matter how many people you tell unless you tell HER.

At one point you really should just ask her if she has time to talk at some point and tell her everything more or less. You'll probably feel silly/embarassed after that but you'll feel much better having got it off your mind finally. Plus there's nothing worse than regret surely.[/cliche]

 

[Techie2000]

Okay this is weird now she just hasn't returned any calls for like a week and a half now, when last time we talked she said she was going to call me so we could hang out last weekend. Unless she suddenly calls me, I guess that solves the problem, albeit in a weird way...

 

[gareth brown]

She's just suddenly stopped returning calls, etc? Do you think someone could have mentioned something?? How many people did you tell?

 

[Techie2000]

She's just suddenly stopped returning calls, etc? Do you think someone could have mentioned something?? How many people did you tell?

I told no one, except this thread. None of my friends talk to her so I know its not them. I know she gets super busy with many things and sometimes doesn't have time to talk and such, though not returning calls within a week is unlike her.

 

[gareth brown]

aah right. I thought when you mentioned talking about it with friends as an example of what you could do, that you had actually done it.

What are you going to do? Are you going to leave it for a couple of days to see if she returns your calls or what??

 

[Techie2000]

Umm, I talked to her online like right after I posted that, and I left her a voicemail Friday asked if she wanted to get together she never returend it. I know she gets super busy and stuff, though when we do talk she's always really nice and stuff, part of me is thinking she maybe just doesn't care about the friendship. I'm not going to bother to try calling her or IM her or whatever again. So I'm just going to forget about this whole thing, because seriously, if its not worth her time then its not worth mine...

 

[Liesje]

aw! At least you tried right? We could be optimistic - maybe she feels the same way and isn't sure how to react? Like maybe she likes you a lot but feels like if she calls back right away, she makes herself look desperate? I apologize on behalf of women. We don't make things easy for you!

 

[Techie2000]

aw! At least you tried right? We could be optimistic - maybe she feels the same way and isn't sure how to react? Like maybe she likes you a lot but feels like if she calls back right away, she makes herself look desperate? I apologize on behalf of women. We don't make things easy for you!

I don't know. I think I might call her later today just to talk because I don't think I'm thinking about this rationally at all. My other friends, sometimes I don't hear from them for a week or two just because we get busy and its no big deal, though usually in the second week my brain goes "I haven't seen/talked to X in a long time better give a call or IM or something" but still. If she doesn't want to do stuff or really is too busy to do stuff, then that's fine, I think I just will tell her over the phone so maybe the voices in my head shut-up .

 

[Liesje]

I don't know. I think I might call her later today just to talk because I don't think I'm thinking about this rationally at all. My other friends, sometimes I don't hear from them for a week or two just because we get busy and its no big deal, though usually in the second week my brain goes "I haven't seen/talked to X in a long time better give a call or IM or something" but still. If she doesn't want to do stuff or really is too busy to do stuff, then that's fine, I think I just will tell her over the phone so maybe the voices in my head shut-up .

Yep, I see what you're saying. I would try to talk to her in person and see what the deal is.

 

[Techie2000]

She must read this forum or something because I got an IM today from her and without me saying a thing about anything, she was extremely apologetic. I feel better now because at least I know she still wants to be friends. As to the original thread topic, I'll tell her next time I see her in person, because honestly I'd feel like a jerk doing it only in IM or on the phone, it's simply too impersonal.

 

[A_Wanderer]

Look on the bright side, if she is really reads this forum then she shares at least one common interest

 

[Techie2000]

Okay I've recently come to realize that while I've been ignored by her, and she hasn't made the time to hang out with me even though we are supposedly "friends" she's still been hanging out with her other friends and making time for them. So I'm just going to unilaterally end the friendship, because quite frankly I don't need it nor deserve to be treated the way I have by this so called friend.

 

[gareth brown]

Do you not think you're overreacting a little?

 

[Techie2000]

Do you not think you're overreacting a little?

Yeah, I was. I was smart enough not to act on that post at all. I did send her an e-mail telling her about the thing, and asking if I offended or bothered her at some point instead. I haven't been thinking overly rationally because of a bit of other stress. Thankfully my rational side of my brain kicked my irrational sides butt before I did anything drastic...

 

[Techie2000]

I must say, overall I am disappointed in myself. I have managed to manufacture a one sided drama that culminated on an internet message board, to which I ended up feeling like there was no escape, because my mind is messing with me. My feelings consistantly blinded me from thinking rationally about this, and I just became too impatient. I'm not at all worried that my e-mail might be offensive, because it wasn't at all accusatory and just relayed my worries about the friendship. The suspense in waiting for a reply from the e-mail does make me anxious, but at the end of the day I firmly believe in the importance of communication in a friendship, and if it has to be via e-mail, then it has to be via e-mail and once she replies, I can finally stop being the worry-wart I am, and no matter what happens, I think it will be better for my head than me dwindling in uncertainty for how ever many months I was going to be left dwindling in uncertainty because of not communicating. I will let you guys know how it turns out when it does.

 

[Techie2000]

Well it seems my prediction was correct. She thought I wanted something more than friendship, and that's why she stopped returning the calls. I'm glad I cleared it up.

Communication, that's the big idea...

 

[U2democrat]

Glad you got everything figured out. Communication

 

[gareth brown]

update please. am in similar situation still though this person hasn't responded to me for around a month and a half now, any advice??